


We Can Rewrite our Stories

by heizl



Series: We Have Been Shattered, We can Piece it Back Together [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Banished Loki, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:31:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 85,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heizl/pseuds/heizl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki happens to cause havoc upon Asgard, its effect heavy upon all the Realms.<br/>With what little anyone could do, Odin comes upon the decision to banish him to Midgard without a clue of who he is, who he was.<br/>He starts a new life however Thor does not know how to cope with the loss of his dear brother and begs to go to Earth as well to spend his every waking moment with Loki.</p><p>Chaos ensues, followed by good times and good memories.</p><p>Is it an easy journey? No, actually, this was the hardest thing either of them had ever done in their lives.<br/>But, was it worth it? Yes, very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's fingers twirled, the books sprung open as the pages fluttered and turned with little green sparks. The books, they were filled with notes and scribbles and strange drawings.
> 
> Notes of plots, notes of plans, notes of...
> 
> How he'd kill Thor.
> 
> Thor looked at Loki in shock, his eyes wide and fearful. He was speechless.
> 
> Loki snickered. “Look at you, finally seeing the truth.”
> 
> Loki's eyes fell down, landing on a small black book. He carefully bent, and with a snicker he removed a butter knife from its entirety; all of its pages had been carved out, creating an opening for the weapon to rest. The knife's once blunt blade had been sharpened over time, possibly weeks, the end of it as sharp as a dagger now.
> 
> Thor stood, the atmosphere and mood was beginning to make him uneasy. He hated when Loki would make him feel unsafe; this was the man he trusted more than anyone, anything, in all the realms. He adjusted his navy blue robe that was slumping off his shoulders, tense, yet he still spoke.
> 
> Despite how uncomfortable he may get, in any situation, he was far too stubborn to let that effect him. Or at least, appear as if he was affected. 
> 
> “You put on quite the act, brother.”

 

Thor walked through the long dark prison halls, his steps heavy against the white marble. Prisoners, some quite frightening, glared and mockingly shouted as he walked by.  
He kept his head low, a purple book with gold embroidery in tow. He walked until he reached the very last chamber, a light yellow force-field made of magic surrounding its entirety. Inside, a man with a green tunic and long ebony hair sat, a book in hand.  


Thor entered the chamber, Loki giving him a quick glance before returning back to his book, turning the page. A small giggle escaped from the trickster's lips as he bit down to prevent any further laughter.  


“What is so funny?” Thor chuckled out, settling down next to Loki on the cold floor. He placed the book down between the two of them, taking up the little space that separated them.  


“I've read that book,” Loki smirked at Thor, his eyes meeting the other's, “...Eight times.”  


Thor laughed, leaning his head back against the white walls, the strands of his hair ever-so-slightly sliding up. “Mother insisted I bring you this one, but I knew you would have already read this. I know you too well, brother.”  


Loki eyes peered down, lowering his book. His mood shifted, the energy in the room growing... sadder, quite possibly. “Or so you think.”  


Thor noticed changes in Loki. He noticed how those once vibrant, brilliant, green eyes were now dull and tired and looked just plain... Sad wasn't the correct word, perhaps miserable was a better fit. He was that man whose hair would always be slicked back in perfection, not one single hair loose. And now, he sat there with his hair tangled and frizzed and just a plain mess.  
  
And that's what he really was now, a _mess_.  


He hated seeing him looking like this, it was unbearable. He hated seeing his brother, the person most precious in his life, sitting in a cramped cell, glum and filled with sorrow.   
And sure, he knew why they had to keep him in there, but he denied it. He denied that Loki was this evil monster that they made him out to be.  
  
He isn't.  
 

He _knew_ that.  
 

Loki cleared his throat, breaking the growing silence. “You do not know me, Thor. At all.”  
 

Thor shook from his thoughts. “Of course I do. We grew up together, brother. We spent every moment together. How would I not--”  
 

“It is not like that anymore," he hissed. "You can not deny reality any longer.”  
 

Loki pushed his knees into his chest, wrapping slender arms around them.  
His leather trousers were torn, dried blood and dirt in various spots.  
 

“I am not denying reality, I am only denying the lies they wish me to believe.”  
 

 Loki offered Thor a glance, an amused look bestowed upon his face. “And what would those be?”  
  

Thor's voice grew low. Low, quiet and gentle. “You are not a monster, Loki.”  
 

He met his eyes, brows furrowing. “Nor are you evil.”  
 

Loki mockingly laughed, shaking his head. 

“ _Thor_... You are so...” he paused, carefully choosing his next word, “ _naive_.”  
  

Thor reached out his arm, without even a slight amount of hesitation, he gripped Loki's slender shoulders.

“I know you, Loki. You are not full of hate, or venom. You are ill, that is all.”  
 

 Loki peered down at his hand in disgust, yet he did not detest to being touched. He visibly rolled his eyes.  
 

“No, _Thor,_ ” he said his name sternly. “I _am_. I am a _monster_. I am evil. I am exactly what you are ignoring, what you deny. You know what they tell you is truth, and yet are too moronic to accept.”  
 

He swiftly pulled away, pushing himself to a stand with a feverish haste, pacing over to the tall dark-brown bookcase. He pulled out a light green book, flinging it at Thor. He picked out another book, blue velvet cover with embossed stars, tossing it towards the confused God. He continuously threw book after book in his direction only to stop when the shelf became half empty.  
 

“All these books... Magic, sorcery, spell making, spell casting, hunting, killing..." Loki's voice grew dark, "Murdering."  
 

“All of these books, Thor, I would read. Whenever I was sat alone, these books, they were my true friends. Studying the dark arts of magic, perfecting my trickery, plotting for when I would take the throne.”  
 

Loki's fingers twirled, the books sprung open as the pages fluttered and turned with little green sparks. The books, they were filled with notes and scribbles and strange drawings.  
   
Notes of plots, notes of plans, notes of...

  

How he'd kill Thor.

  

Thor looked at Loki in shock, his eyes wide and fearful. He was speechless.  
 

Loki snickered. “Look at you, finally seeing the truth.”

His eyes fell down, landing on a small black book. He carefully bent, and with a snicker he removed a butter knife from its entirety; all of its pages had been carved out, creating an opening for the weapon to rest. The knife's once blunt blade had been sharpened over time, possibly weeks, the end of it as sharp as a dagger now.  


Thor stood, the atmosphere and mood was beginning to make him uneasy. He hated when Loki would make him feel unsafe; this was the man he trusted more than anyone, anything, in all the realms. He adjusted his navy blue robe that was slumping off his shoulders, tense, yet he still spoke.

Despite how uncomfortable he may get, in any situation, he was far too stubborn to let that effect him. Or at least, appear as if he was affected. 

“You put on quite the act, brother.”  
 

Loki's hand twitched, the twinge of irritation strong. Thor let alone irked him, but his words, when he would challenge him...

He stroked across the flat of the blade with his thumb, playing with his handmade weapon, holding it close to his body. He was careful for Thor not to see it, as it would ruin the surprise.   
  

Yet, as much anticipation as this moment was giving him, as much as he was looking forward to being rid of his  _horrid_ oaf of a  _brother_ , minuscule hints of guilt rang in his head.   
 

“Leave.” Loki said, voice quiet.  
 

“No.” Thor, with a heavy step, came closer towards Loki. “Sit down, brother. Please.”  
 

“I have always been your shadow. The brother of the _glorious_ Thor _Odin_ son. I never had the slightest chance, father promised empty lies. I knew that." He paused momentarily. "I always knew. I acknowledged becoming the threat would easily make them obey as well. Everyone is so... _petty_.”  
 

Loki's hand shook, the suspense was eating at him as he continued to mindlessly fiddle with the object. He looked it over, admiring his fine work, spending day in and night out, going for weeks without slumber so this moment could happen. His reflection enticed him, a mad man staring back, smirk forming.   


“You were always as loved as myself. By mother, father, every-”  
 

“Do not play me at my own game. That is a lie.” Loki's head snapped back in anger, the look in his far-gone eyes poisonous. “I was _never_ respected, _never_ trusted, _never_ loved.”  
 

“I loved you, brother. I _do_ love you.”  
 

Loki scoffed. “You say that as if it means a thing to me.”  
 

Thor, who couldn't keep his hands to himself, gripped onto Loki's shoulder once more. He could feel the mounds of tension and insecurity radiating from him. So, he took his voice to a tone that he knew could calm even Loki at his worst, a tone that he always use to speak in, a tone he knew Loki  _loved_.

“I've always cared.”  
 

Loki looked behind him, his expression blank. Emotions were escaping from him, he was not sure anymore how to feel. He couldn't keep going on for eternity acting as if he hated Thor, the master of lies would crack at some point. Everyone cracks eventually.  
 

So, he smiled. It was faint, some would not even consider that a smile, but it was visible enough for Thor to see it, and to accept it.

And the smile, as small and under powered as it was, it was true, pure.  
 

Honest.  
 

But, that changed frighteningly quickly as he gritted his teeth, the grin washing, wasting away as quickly as he was. Without any further thoughts, he lashed out, the knife growing heavy in his hand, the pain inside of him aching.   
 

He lunged towards Thor's chest, all the hurt and frustration directed into that one stab.   
 

Just one stab. That's all it would take.   
 

But, Thor stood there. Not flinching, not moving, just standing perfectly still.  
 

Loki's eyes widened, the reality of his words and him not at all reacting _scaring_ him. He was terrified.   
 

Would he honestly let him kill him, just like that?   
 

The knife dropped from his hand, the metal clinking once it hit the floor, the noise near silent but it rung in Loki's ears. He felt overwhelmed. Confused. Disturbed.   
 

Why did he not react? Why did he not push past the small, initial fear and do it, and then be done with him, forever?

Why is he scared? He never did anything for him, he was always just a burden to him.  
 

Why is he...  
 

Crying?  
 

Tears dripped down his pale cheeks, wetting his face.  
 

He felt pathetic, worthless. He knew he was a disappointment, to himself for not being able to carry out this simple task and to everyone else for his actions.

But, his worries and anxieties and racing thoughts seemed to come to a halt when Thor pulled him in, close and tight, and he was wrapped up in his warmth.  
 

He pushed his head into Thor's muscular but always comforting chest.

He swore to himself that this was the last time he'd let Thor see him cry, the last time he'd ever let himself cry period.   
 

“I know you care.” He sobbed out, voice unsteady and cracking and he was so uncertain of himself, and everything around him.   
 

Thor calmly stroked his fingers through Loki's thick dark hair, as matted as it was.

He knew how to crack his brother.

In the end, he always did. Like he said,  _everyone_ eventually cracks.   
 

“I know you know.” He kissed the top of Loki's head, loose strands tickling at his nose.   
 

“I love you, Thor.” He choked on his words, forcing himself to spit them out.   
 

“I love you too, Loki. You know that.”  
 

He nodded. “I know.”

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Time ticked by, hours painfully and slowly passing by, leaving Loki to his own thoughts, but basking in the affection from Thor. He was exhausted, completely worn out, both emotionally and physically. He had passed out on Thor's lap, head on his thighs, body curled up beside, still on the cold, hard floor.  
 

He always looked so peaceful in his sleep, Thor thought, and he just loved that. Loki was never at peace anymore, no longer that calm, caring boy he always knew.

He cherished moments like this. He wasn't sure how many more he would get, if he ever got another.  
 

He lazily stroked his hand down Loki's back, the fabric of his over-worn tunic soft and warm from his heat under his rough calloused fingertips.  
 

He glanced around the room, the hallways silent and uneventful. The pile of forgotten books from earlier caught his attention, and one particular book called to him. He pulled over a small green book, the cover clearly aging and the spine torn.  The cover read, "Accepting Your Self Worth". Thor became curious, questioning where Loki even managed to find a book like this, but then again, where did he find the others. He clearly had ways of obtaining books Father would never approve of.  
 

He opened it, flipping through pages and periodically stopping on whatever looked interesting. Until, he saw a page full of scribbles.   
 

At first, he became frightened again, wondering just how many times Loki had planned out Thor's death, but he looked closer. They were scribbles of Loki and him, not quite how he'd imagine them.   
 

Pictures of them on adventures. He started to reminisce of the good old days, exploring new land and discovering secret hide outs.

Pictures of them fighting, reminding him of their practices everyday as their Father watched.

And lastly, there were pictures of...  
 

Thor felt confused by this. He knew Loki cared about him, how he loved him, how they said they would always be together until the end, but, he didn't expect Loki to imagine them like this.   
   
The drawings depicted them getting married, handfuls of doodles of them sitting side by side as Kings.   
 

He looked at Loki, studying him. Content and at ease, how Thor remembered him.   
 

He knew there was still good in him. He knew that his Loki was still there.  
 

He hadn't lost him just yet.   
 

He knew it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put this on the last chapter as well, but I figured I should put it here as well.  
> This is a playlist I made for this story, and a lot of these songs I used to inspire me to write this. So, if you want, you can listen to these as well!
> 
> General Loki songs:  
> I am Not a Robot- Marina and the Diamonds  
> Animal I have become- Three Days Grace  
> Demons- Imagine Dragons  
> Primadonna- Marina and the Diamonds  
> Numb- Marina and the Diamonds 
> 
> Mental struggles and stressors:  
> Breathe Me- Sia  
> Let me go- HAIM  
> Silhouettes – Of Monsters and Men  
> Elastic Heart- Sia  
> Pity Party- Melaine Martinez  
> Terrible Love- Moda Spira
> 
> Thor and Loki's love:  
> Young and Beautiful- Lana del Rey  
> Let Go- RAC (Very much recommend this as a Thorki song just in general)  
> Love me Again- John Newman  
> Love me Like you Do- Ellie Goulding  
> I Hate Everything About You- Three Days Grace
> 
> Family and miscellaneous:  
> Dollhouse- Melaine Martinez  
> Soap- Melaine Martinez  
> I'm Alive- Shinedown


	2. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the corner of his eye he could see the tall bookshelf that housed many of Loki's favorite books, the ones he had read a hundred times over; covers dirty and spines torn and weathered. 
> 
> “He's happy without you. He no longer needs you, he has not for years... He never has." He shakily said in a low whisper. 
> 
> Maybe if I say it enough, I will come to believe it. He thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much to Scoot, my proof reader, and thank you to everyone reading this!

 

 

“Can you see him?”  
  


“I can.”  
 

“How does he look?”  
 

“He smiles.”  
 

Thor nodded, thanked Heimdall, and then turned to walk back over to his horse.  
 

This was Thor's daily routine.  
 

  
Wake up, go check in with Heimdall to see how Loki was, go to the training fields to let out his anger, attend supper, then drink himself to sleep.

Not much of a life anymore, he'd say himself.  
  


He kept his head down as he mounted the animal, thoughts rushing through his mind.  
 

Was he really happy there, without him?

Was everything he once said, all those moments of sentiment and intimacy in the past, a lie?

Did he truly mean those times he screamed “ _I hate you_ ” at him in rage?  
 

A frown sat upon his face as he rode back into the rich gold city that was Asgard.  
 

It had been exactly five months since Loki had been banished to Midgard; Thor knew, he counted each and every day.

Loki had nearly started a second war, and after escaping from his cell a handful of times, Odin was at loss for what to do.

Holding him up in a confinement and taking away the majority of his powers could not prevent him from destruction, chaos still happening upon being held prisoner.

So he did the last thing he could think of. He stripped Loki of all his magic, erased him of his memories, both the precious and painful, and replaced them with a carefully spun lie, new memories, all without Thor.  
 

And it was unbearable for Thor. Even when Loki was trapped in that brim room, he'd pay him daily visits, multiple times that same day on occasions.

He'd always bring him a new book to read when he had finished the last, and sometimes sneak down a plate of cooked Boar from the kitchen, which always earned him a faint but treasured smile.   
 

Thor, being caught in the web of flowing thoughts and emotions, rushed into the palace, sprinting past Sif and his mother, paying them no attention.

Loki was his attention, his only attention.   
 

“I worry about him...” Frigga sighed in anguish as she watched her son disappear into Odin's hall, the doors slamming shut behind him. It pained her to see what had become of Loki, the cruel yet necessary decision of his banishment haunted her constantly. Her heart further ached as she watched Thor day in and day out suffering, she had never seen him quite like this.   
 

Sif peered at Frigga, the All Mother's face filled with concern, sadness, confusion. She wasn't quite sure what to do in this type of situation, or how to comfort someone. Her eyes wandered as she pondered, a sigh escaping. "He is in grievance. He needs time."   
 

Frigga put on a smile, weak, but she could not conjure anything better than that. 

“I felt that the punishment was too harsh, however Loki nearly caused havoc upon us... again." She paused for a moment, her smile heartfelt as memories of her boys that were once well behaved and enjoyed each other's presence flooding back.   
 

“The boys were always so close, nothing could dare pull them apart. They were always exploring new places together, coming back full of laughter and new exciting tales to tell." She felt herself chuckle. "Thor would be full of excitement, eager to inform whoever he could of his adventures. Loki would be sat beside him, intently listening to the stories, reliving the moment."   
 

Sif offered her a smile before she was overcome with worry, Odin's voice booming throughout the halls.  
 

They both ran, steps loudly echoing in the otherwise silent hallways, armor clanking, fabric bustling as they hurriedly threw open the massive golden doors to the throne room.   
 

“My boy, there is, and will never be, any possible way to convince me to allow that Monster back into our--”  
 

“But father, Loki is of Asgard. He is your son! I will take him into my care, I will--”  
 

“ **SILENCE**.” Odin boomed as he steadily came to a stand, grip tight on his spear, other hand balled into a fist.   
 

“You very well know why he was to be banished. For the safety of Asgard, for the safety of my family, my son. If I had not done so, you would not be standing here. Asgard would be full of _death_ and _destruction_. We would be in a never ending war.”  
 

“Loki is not the monster you make him out to be. He is ill. He does not comprehend all of what he is doing, he can not understand the severity of his actions."

Thor tried to reason with him, praying that the Norns would be on his side today. He knew his Father was stubborn, where else would he have gotten his hot-headedness from after all? Certainly not his mother.   
 

“Then what, Thor?” Odin barked at him, as he ventured closer to Thor, rear of his golden staff clanking against the stone stairs that led up to his throne. 

"Give him forgiveness, allow him back in anticipation of yet another war to begin? Stop living in a delusion, my boy. Loki is not of Asgard, and he shall remain this way until the end of time."  
 

“Maybe if you had given him the attention he asked for, the respect he screamed for, he would not have done wrong. All he ever wanted was for your approval, and all he ever got in return was your _back_.” Thor retaliated, anger quickly spreading through his body. His hands started to shake, jaw clenched and teeth gritting. He was enraged that no one could see the Loki he saw. Maybe he was delusional, he started to question, but he knew Loki. He honestly and truly knew him more than anyone ever could.  
 

With a swift turn, his back faced Odin, the abrupt movement causing a gust of air, his thick red cape swaying. 

He pushed past Sif and his mother, unsteady hands throwing open the doors to shut them with a loud slam. His steps were heavy, legs feeling as if they were lead. No one could stop him from reuniting with Loki, proving all of the realms wrong in their ways of perceiving Loki. His Father had nothing on him, he would find a way.   
 

Odin ran a hand down his rugged face, fingers stroking through coarse white hairs, patches of stubble rough under his touch. He began to mutter to himself as he would do this when frustrated.   
 

Frigga made her way over to the distressed All Father. She knew this was hard on him, she knew he deeply cared about the boys, but Odin be damned if he ever expressed his emotions.   
 

“My dear husband..." The sadness was consuming her, she felt overwhelmed as did nearly everyone else. Her gaze met his eye as she placed a slender hand upon his tense shoulder.   
 

“What has been done..." He released a tired huff, remaining still for a few moments. He turned to return back to his throne, cape dragging behind, "has been done."

 

 

Thor had returned to his chambers, cheeks damp with the trails of dried tears, body shuddering, knuckles bruised and adorned in not yet dried blood.

He stared at the pile of shattered, splintered, broken up pieces of wood that had once made his bed frame.   
 

In the corner of his eye he could see the tall bookshelf that housed many of Loki's favorite books, the ones he had read a hundred times over; covers dirty and spines torn and weathered.   
 

“He's happy without you. He no longer needs you, he has not for years... He never has." He shakily said in a low whisper.   
 

 _Maybe if I say it enough, I will come to believe it,_ he thought. 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor sat on top of the mattress that now rested on the floor, wrapped in the quilt his mother had made for Loki and him when they were children. Half of the blanket's coloring was red, the other side being shades of green. 

His appetite was dull and his anger at his Father still strong and bitter. He opted to pass supper, figuring sulking would be a better way to spend the night.   
 

Suddenly a light knock came from behind the thin door, irritation spreading further throughout his body. All he wished for was to be left alone, however he knew his Father wouldn't dare try to talk to him. He huffed, a long warm breath leaving his mouth in pure annoyance.   
 

He sat there for a long while, giving no response.   
 

"What is it?" He spat out, voice hoarse as he pawed at his face in an attempt to dry the dampness.   
 

The door creaked open as Frigga stepped inside his room. She noticed the mess of bloodied wood surrounding the perturbed blonde God who wore bloodshot eyes.   
 

“Darling...” Her voiced was full of sorrow as she settled down next to him, hands flattening out the created wrinkles in her gown. “We are all concerned. Your father wishes to speak with you.”  
 

“I do not wish to speak with him.” Thor pushed his knees into his chest, wrapping his muscular arms around them tightly, blanket still serving as a comfort.  
 

Frigga gazed at him, biting on her lower lip. She hesitated momentarily before outstretching her arm to wrap it around his back, head resting against his broad shoulders.   
“He wishes to apologize for his actions. We are all worried, dear. Please allow him this."   
 

He sniffled, feeling an onset of tears fill his eyes. He did not want to speak to his Father, he did not want to speak to anyone. He didn't want to do anything, he felt absolutely miserable, distraught. He could hardly take the pain of suffering through this agony of losing his brother anymore.

Most people were to think he was ridiculous for being this affected by someone leaving, but to him, Loki was his world. He was the man he cared for, the man he grew with and learned to love from the moment he laid eyes on him. It was as if he had died.  
  

They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity before he opened his mouth to speak.  
 

"...Alright. I will go, for you"

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

They all sat at the long wooden dinner table, Odin at the end, Frigga and Thor across from one another. 

Food was spread down across it's entirety, plates of steaming cooked Boar and vines of grapes and various other delicacies all sitting upon silver platters. It was a feast fit for a God, or in this case many. A feast that would have been normally fully consumed by this time.   
 

But, the mood, sour and tense, no one had moved even a finger. The air had grown silent, not that there had been much speaking in the first place.   
 

“Absolutely not.” Odin's strong voice broke the hushed atmosphere. He thumbed at the large loaf of bread that sat before him, his look at Thor stern.   
 

“Why? Why will you not allow me this? There is nothing I live for anymore, you have taken that away from me.” Thor tossed the slice of warm meat around his plate, rage once more seeming to surface in him. He was not one good with his temper.  
 

“As time comes, Asgard will be in need of a King. Asgard needs to be ruled. If you were to see him, I would never allow for your return."

Odin lifted his mug of mead, swishing around the contents of it before taking a short swig.   
 

“But, father wh-"  
 

“Because, you _fool_ ,” He slammed the mug back down onto the table, the foamy liquids dripping to the floor, “with your powers, you are capable of allowing his return. With memories regained, Hel knows what would become of us. What would become of you."   
 

Thor stood up, chair screeching against the floor. “So be it, I will go. I prefer to spend my time with Loki than return here to my misery."  
 

“ **I WILL NOT ALLOW IT**.” Odin's voice trembled, the color of his face instantly turning to a light pink.   
 

Thor stomped his way over to Odin with confidence, bending to level their faces, his eyes locking with his Father's one. 

“Do you not understand me?  I would be set ablaze, consume poison, do _anything_ if it meant me reuniting with Loki. I can not live another day with the knowledge that I will  _hate_ myself for waking."  
 

Odin's stern approach begun to grow fierce, glaring at his son.

“The brother you once had will not remember you. The boy you played with, learned with, grew with, has been lost. Erased. _Forever._ He has been lost for much longer than you have cared to realize, Thor." Odin paused to breath, Thor opening his mouth to speak a moment too soon. 

"However, a single glance will awaken that  ** _Demon_ ** , what he truly is."   
 

“Loki is not-"   
 

“Do you not listen, boy? One look, your death guaranteed."   
 

Thor's eyes narrowed. "I will take the risk."   
 

Odin rolled his eye, guffawing in disbelief. “Your powers, stripped. Your return to Asgard will be never. Asgard will be at loss of a Prince, a future King, Mjölnir will lose her owner... I will lose my Son."  
 

“I will do whatever it takes.”

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

Thor crossed the Bifröst for the last time in his life. He took in the sights; the endless stars in the skies twinkle and shun in the darkness, the gleaming gold of the tall, rich buildings always a wonderful sight, the radiating colors of the bridge as they sparked and ran in electric patterns were always captivating.  
 

He remembered how he and Loki would lay together across the bridge, staring up into that breathtaking sight, trying to count the stars. They'd always connect them, conjuring up stories about warriors, Princes, the Kings they had hoped to be.   
 

He stepped down from his horse, giving a gentle pat on the creature's neck. He stood beside Heimdall, turning to see the usually expressionless man downcast.   
 

“Thank you, for everything you have done.”

Thor knew Heimdall had always been there for him, since the beginning. He felt as if he was the only person to not judge him.

He was certain he was not in favor of what he would do, however he would comply when he questioned about Loki's whereabouts and let him leave with no further questioning.   
 

Heimdall gave a nod, discreetly handing Thor a small leather pouch resembling a wallet, almost. 

“Keep this safe. It is needed." He said in a whisper.   
 

Thor carefully slid the pouch into his pocket, a small smile cast upon his face.   
 

Odin, Frigga, the warriors three, and Sif stood adjacent from Thor. His mother's eyes were full of tears yet she managed her best looks. 

Internally, she was heartbroken from the thought of losing yet another son, regretting Loki's banishment in the first place.  
 

Sif stood close by her, her eyes downcast, lips sucked in. She had tried to understand Thor and Loki's relationship since they were all children, she always did her best to be compassionate towards them, however she never did understand where the connection was there. 

But, if she had known  _just_ how far it went... If _anyone_ had caught their discretely disguised shared kisses or the embraces that had always lasted a few moments too long or the times they ventured into each other's chambers and never left, they could have faced dire consequences, execution in some cases.    
 

Flandrall and Hogunn shook their heads in disapproval, scowls upon their faces. Volstagg seemed to be disinterested in the whole ordeal, his mind possibly wandering over what he would consume for that night's meal.

Now they, they never understood Loki nor their relationship. They had always thought Loki to be quite odd and therefore, teased him quite frequently, never inviting him on an adventure if Thor wasn't present. 

Thor had stood up for Loki on multiple occasions, stating that he was as much like the others as anyone else. That always earned a heartfelt smile from his brother.   
 

Odin stood before him decorated in his heavy glistening golden armor, pure white hair tucked behind ears, long metal staff not present.

His expression of sternness ceased to change.   
 

“Asgard will mourn the loss of their Prince, as I will mourn the loss of my only son."   
 

Thor scoffed under his breath, _Only son_.

How dare he address Thor as his only child.  _He_ was the one to rescue Loki that night,  _he_ was the one to bring him into Asgard and into their lives.   
 

Without much more to say, he begun to remove Thor's armor, one piece at a time. He wrapped slender fingers underneath the circular pieces of thick metal on Thor's chest armor and pulled them off, small sparks of yellow enchantment being released as he spoke in Runes. 

His powers begun to dissipate and disappear, scaled pieces falling from his muscular arms, clanking onto the glass floor.   
 

“I banish thee Thor Odinson to a life in Midgard, to never return.”

 

 

“ _Farewell_.”

The word rung in his mind as colors faded into darkness.  
 

He opened his eyes to be greeted by a dark-blue sky, the stars twinkling brilliantly, much like they were in Asgard.

For a moment he begun to question where he was, if he was still in the same realm with his parents. However, as he felt a cold surface underneath him, the strong concrete ground, and he was lain on his back, he knew something was different.   
  

He could not help but allow himself to smile.  
  

“Here I come, brother,” he breathed out with a laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 


	3. I Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This could not be him. This could not really be happening.
> 
> No. 
> 
> No, no, no, no, no.
> 
> And then, to his horror, everyone roared in terror.
> 
> He didn't want to look, he didn't want to see it. He didn't want to believe this. 
> 
> This couldn't be him, what could have driven him to do something that drastic?
> 
> His eyes opened and to his dismay, the man was falling fast through the air. Despite the building being as high as it was, he was traveling at an alarming speed.
> 
> Thor dashed, sprinted, his body reacting faster than he could process. He forced himself to move at a pace he never thought was possible.
> 
> He shoved, pushed, made his way through the barrier of warm bodies. 
> 
> He remembered the time he had caught Loki when he fell from a tree quite high up, and Loki greeted him with tear-filled green eyes, smile plastered across his face. 
> 
>  
> 
> You caught me.
> 
>  
> 
> I would not ever let you fall, Loki! Thor giggled.
> 
>  
> 
> He needs me.

 

Thor pushed himself from the ground, brushing off pieces of rubble and dirt from his blue short sleeved shirt. A crowd had managed to surround around him, faces of worry and panic, the bustle of whispers loud. He glanced down, the pavement cracked with an indent of where his body was thrown.

 

 

“ _Oh my god, did you see that man_?”  
 

“ _Yeah, where the hell did he come from!?_ ”  
 

“ _I wonder if he's alright?_ ”  
   
Everyone around him buzzed.

 

 

He pushed past the mounds of people without much further thought, he was nearly clueless of the commotion he was causing.

He hardly knew how to act like a civil _Midgardian_ , how they differed so much from Gods. However, he did realize that he would have to blend in to the best of his abilities.  
 

He causally waltzed off and down the "grey paths", or so he would call them, having not a clue where to go first.   
 

Everything was quite overwhelming.

Lights shining bright around him, loud noises from vehicles honking and racing in the streets, electronic billboards blaring music and advertisements, the never ending sea of people.

His heart was racing and pounding in his chest, each beat nearly as loud as the sounds around him.   
 

Everything was new and frighting yet so very  _exciting_.  
 

He never read much about Midgard, Earth, whatever you'd like to call this realm. It never interested him much, seeing as he had nearly everything he needed in Asgard, or the other more  _amusing_ places. 

Plenty of Gods had traveled down there, to go on vacation they'd always say, of course even his Father had been there. Thor never did join them, had never imagined himself down on this World.   
 

His interest began to peak however when Loki was sent down and so he'd ask Heimdall to tell him stories, describe to him what it was like.

It was full of life, he'd say.  
 

Forests littered with creatures he'd never think to imagine, bodies of water covering most of its surface, and of course, mortals surrounding most of its land.

There they would exchange thin papers and small coins to receive goods or services. They were more technologically advanced than them, he would say, which made sense as they didn't have a need for much technology.   
 

Thor was nearly spinning, he didn't know where to look first, what to stop and stare at. Behind tall glass windows were illuminated signs in neon colors with words describing the store and what it could offer. Windows as well were casting a light yellow, buildings all lit up in harmony.   
 

He continued making his way down the street until he noticed a sign reading “ _Come on in!_ ”.  
  

With a gentle pull of the door, a semi-quiet jingle played as he entered the shop, the noise amusing him. The florescent overhead lights were much too bright for him yet alone anyone really, and the store was much too silent, lacking the bustle of life that was just outside. Long metal containers and storage shelves contained a plethora of drinks and snack items, a low hum coming from the machines.   
  


He peered around before a magazine rack caught his attention, sign above it spelling out, "Take One". 

He pawed through the various folded pieces of paper, all in a variety of interesting colors.   
 

Thor pulled out a pamphlet, opening it up to see many different things listed inside it; a map depicting hotels nearby, restaurants, stores, interesting things to do and see. There was a section containing information about the city, listing the name of the state nearby.    
  


_'New York'_  he mouthed out loud. He was not sure where that was at all, or if all of Midgard was this "New York", but he knew Loki must have been here somewhere, hopefully. He prayed he wasn't cast into an area where he'd never be able to locate his brother, but he tried to let those worries pass.   
 

Thor was pulled abruptly out of his thoughts when he felt a tap on his shoulder, a yelp escaping him in response. Instinctively, he spun around, arm outstretched, hand open. 

Oh right, no more hammer time.  
 

“I-I'm sorry to startle you!” A short girl with dark hair that was pulled back and fair light skin, very reminiscent of Sif, muttered out in embarrassment. “If there is anything you need, please let me know.”  
 

“I am looking for a _man, Loki._ Have you heard of him?” Thor glanced back to the map in his hands. Only if it could lead him exactly to the location of his brother, but that would be far too easy, and this story would be far too short.   
 

“I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have not..." She pointed over to a payphone in the far back corner of the store. "But, we do have a phone book over there! Are you visiting?"   
 

“I have never ventured this realm before. Will this book lead me to him?”  
 

The lady was puzzled. “If it has his name in it, you could try calling him.”  
 

“Calling? If I locate his name, he will come to me?”  
 

“You can call the number listed next to his name, with the phone.”  
 

Thor gave a nod, reading the poor young lady's name tag. “You have my gratitude, daughter of Susan.”  
 

She nodded, watching him walk away, not sure of what just happened.  
 

Thor flipped open the large yellow book, flipping through the pages endlessly. He picked up right away that it was alphabetized, making it easier for him. 

“Loki, Loki”, he mumbled as he skimmed through the wrinkled pages, pausing momentarily.   
 

 _What if father give him a new name..._  The thought never passing his mind until just now. Surely he would have, Odin being cruel and in heavy disapproval of Thor ever finding him. But, it was just his luck as bold black lettering caught his attention.  
 

 ** _Laufeyson, Loki_** , his name was listed.  
 

He looked up at the device, studying the small buttons with engravings of numbers. He punched in the numbers slowly and carefully, mimicking what was listed on the paper sheet that was so thin it would nearly rip with a single movement.  With shaky hands, he lifted the black curved piece of plastic that had a long cord connected to it. He assumed this part went to his ear so he could speak. He really had no idea what he was doing, but if this meant being one step closer to finding Loki, he would do anything.   
 

A low buzz came from the device, and Thor stood there as the moments passed by. Was this normal? Why were there no voices emitting from the machine?   
 

Dumbfounded, Thor called out, “Daughter of Susan”.   
 

Susan rushed over from behind her counter. “Is there something you need, sir?”  
 

“How do I work this device?”  
 

“Have you inserted a coin?”  
 

Thor's expression was blank.   
 

She pointed at the silver slot with 25¢. engraved on it. “Do you have a quarter?”  
 

Thor felt into his pockets, pulling out the leather pouch Heimdall had given him. He peered inside it, green sheets of paper and silver coins filled it.

Ah, yes, so this is what he explained that was used as currency. He thanked him greatly for not leaving him without any kind of money, now that would make this whole journey nearly impossible.   
 

He pulled out one of the larger silver coins. “This one?”  
 

She nodded, taking the quarter from him and letting it fall into the slot. She went back over to her previous spot, straightening her posture as another customer entered the store.   
 

Thor placed the receiver back up to his ear, a new noise now playing, the tone of a ring sounding. It continuously rung until it went silent, then he heard something new.  
 

“Hello.” The voice was low, he sounded dead tired.   
 

Thor's ears perked up and felt as if they were burning. Chills traveled down his body and through his spine, heart once again feeling as if it would burst through his skin.

That voice, that precious voice that he longed for, that voice that he dreamed about every night, that he thought about everyday, that voice he never thought he'd ever hear again, was speaking in his ears. He did notice that he had a newly obtained accent, or possibly his old accent had just begun to fade. He spoke differently now.  
 

“L-Loki?” Thor meekly said.  
  

“I'm not here right now." There was a long sigh.  "Please leave a message and I'll get back to you, hopefully.” After Loki had finished speaking, a high pitched beep echoed.   
 

He placed the phone back into its holder, body stock still. He wasn't aware of how to leave this message, and even if he did, Loki would have no idea who he was. 

He was in complete disbelief of hearing his voice, even if he wasn't able to actually speak to him. He felt closer, more hopeful, regardless of not receiving much more information than he already had.   
 

He was in this general area at least, this New York. Thor hadn't a clue how large this place was, but he wasn't about to give up.   
 

He was full of hope. He felt as if he could actually find him, he _knew_ that he'd be able locate him. And, he felt as if he could fix this whole terrible situation and just make it all  _okay_. If he awoke Loki's real memories, if he all came flooding back, he was sure he could handle it. He scoffed at the idea of Loki trying to kill him, despite all the attempts in the past. 

Loki wasn't like that, he reassured himself.   
 

He ventured back to the door, giving Susan a wave.   
 

The chill of the night had a harsh bite on his exposed arms. Despite being filled with determination, he was lost. He had no idea where he really would start looking for him. He could be walking along the streets, he could be at his home, and honestly, he could be in a completely different place. The phone book meant nothing in actuality when anyone had the ability to travel freely. 

Thor continued to process his thoughts as he stood in the middle of the sidewalk, business men pushing past him hurriedly.  
 

 _Loki could be-  
_  

A bloodcurdling scream shook him into reality. A woman stood, pointing up at the roof of a skyscraper-like building. 

A man stood on the edge, body wavering unsteadily. Thor examined what he could see, the distance between them far. Long black hair, he noticed. Skin as light as snow, he started to grow more worrisome. 

He was adorned in a dark green jacket coupled with a dark green scarf. Thor's eyes instinctively squeezed tightly shut.   
  

This could not be him. This could not really be happening.

No.  
 

No,  _no, no, no, no_.  
  

And then, to his horror, everyone roared in terror.  
 

He didn't want to look, he didn't want to see it. He didn't want to believe this. 

This couldn't be him, what could have driven him to do something that drastic?  
 

His eyes opened and to his dismay, the man was falling fast through the air. Despite the building being as high as it was, he was traveling at an alarming speed.  
 

Thor dashed, sprinted, his body reacting faster than he could process. He forced himself to move at a pace he never thought was possible.

He shoved, pushed, made his way through the barrier of warm bodies. 

 

 

▪

 

 

He remembered the time he had caught Loki when he fell from a tree quite high up, and Loki greeted him with tear-filled green eyes, smile plastered across his face. 

 

 

 _You caught me.  
_   

 _I would not ever let you fall, Loki!_ Thor giggled.

 

 

▪

 

▪

 

▪

 

 

 

_He needs me._

 

 

Thor was so out of reach, he did the only thing he could think of. He flung himself into the air, skidding against the hard concrete, the noise of fabric tearing piercing, the stings of his torso being scratched and beaten to Hell causing him to tightly grit his teeth.

His arms were stretched above him as far as they possibly reach, and with a miracle, Loki harshly fell into him, the force of his arrival knocking the wind out of Thor.

He fought past all the pain and discomfort and held Loki up against him, tightly, chin resting on the top of his head. His body absolutely burned and ached, blood starting to form small beads above his newly acquired wounds on his biceps, running down the length of his arm. Pieces of debris stuck in his skin, a layer of dirt coating him, shirt becoming damp from his abdomen bleeding.

But, he had Loki, and that was all that mattered to him. As long as Loki was safe, Thor would be fine.   
 

His heart sank, more than it already had, as he noticed thick scratches that coated his slender neck, the injuries an irritated red and quite raised.

He gazed down the length of his body, the thick fabric of his coat soaked in dark blood, turning the green color nearly black. His hands were coated in a dried crimson, streams running down to his black-painted fingertips.   
 

 _This is how we are reunited..._ Thor was at a loss for what to think, he glared up at the sky with a strong hate burning inside. _This is what you have driven your son to._

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

Loki's eyes slowly fluttered open, vision blurry. He was in a daze.

 Under his touch he felt fabric, soft and warm and thick, he tugged at the mounds of blankets that covered him. Comforting his confusion, he begun to relax into the nice sensation. But, these were not his. He peered around the room as well as he could, neck sensitive, making the gesture of turning his head near impossible.  

The walls, painted a monotone white, a low light dimly cast across a small portion of the room. A wall-mounted television had been turned on, the sound merely inaudible; he could hardly figure out what was playing on it, some kind of cartoon, he supposed.

Rushed footsteps and the wheels of carts zooming by outside the door proved to be too loud for him and he felt a panic rise in him.   
  

And well, when he realized the fact that he was  _alive_ , and still  _breathing_ and not actually  _dead_ , he didn't know what to do. He hadn't expected to wake from this, he was expecting to be done, and was perfectly fine with that.   
 

His arms were exposed as he was dressed in a light green hospital gown, layers of tape holding in the IV that rested in the crevasse of his inner-elbow. The rest of his arm had been bandaged, the once white gauze blotched with crusty, dried blood. The non-wrapped areas of his arms, which was little to no space, were also quite filled, with indented white and raised brownish pink scars.   
 

“Now they finally have the chance to lock me up,” he cooed mockingly to himself, halfheartedly joking.    
 

His body tensed, unfamiliar footsteps being heard, which seemed to be coming from inside the room. He thought he had been alone, he'd much rather be left alone so he could conjure up a plan of how to escape from reality.   
 

Thor slowly crouched down next to Loki, their eyes meeting, both bloodshot and tired. 

He was at a lost for words. He had found him.

Yes, maybe not in a way he'd necessarily like to find his brother in, or rather anyone to be honest, but he was here.  
 

He was breathing, he was warm, and most importantly, for Thor at least, he was  _alive_.  
 

Taking a bold step, he brushed a piece of hair behind Loki's ear, hand being shoved away in response.   
 

Loki looked disorientated, like a lost child.   
 

“What are you, my mom?” He said with a stifled chuckle.   
  

“Not exactly.” Thor replied, he couldn't help but smile, just a little.   
 

Loki's brows started to lower. “...Who are you?”  
 

“I am..." Thor wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. He couldn't say, 'Hey, I'm your brother and we're Gods', or 'I'm here to take care of you', even though he so desperately wanted to.    
 

"I saved you.”   
 

“Saved me...” Loki breathed.  
 

Loki examined the man before him. 

His eyes, a bright, brilliant, shade of blue. His hair, almost the same length as his own, was a blonde mess, ending at his chest. He noticed the shirt he wore was torn harshly in multiple locations, his exposed tan muscular arms covered in small beige bandages, friction burns in many places.  
 

He was the complete opposite of himself, picturing the typical desired "Hunk" that most people would dream to be with, or desire to become.   
 

Loki cautiously turned his head to the best of his abilities, fingers tracing across the thin scratches. He gazed out of the window, the sky a pale blue, clouds littering the majority of the openness, sun hardly peaking out.  
 

"What gave you the right?" Loki dully asked.   
 

“The right of what?” Thor replied, confusion settling over him.  
 

“To _save_ me.” Loki replied, irked.   
 

“I... I could not bear to let you go. Life is a gift.”  
 

Loki's head snapped back, his glare venomous. Ah yes, this is the look Thor had received on many occasions, usually when he said something moronic... which was often, in Loki's opinion.  

 "I never asked to be ' _saved'._ I did what I did because I wanted to be _done_. Don't you _dare_ say life is a gift. It may be a gift for _you_ , but that's certainly not the case for everyone else.”  
 

“Life _is_ a gift. You should be thanking the Norns you are here today. It is truly a mira--”  
 

Loki, with a quick push, came into a sitting position, lowering his face to level with Thor's, leaving not much separation between the two of them.

“It is _not_ a gift, it is _not_ a blessing, it is _not_ a miracle. Every day is a _dread_ for me. Why do you even care to save some stranger? One less life isn't a difference, especially  mine."   
 

“Why must you be so  _ungrateful_?” Thor let himself say, a mocking laugh escaping at the end. He was met with a sharp slap to his face, wanting to take back his words ever so much.   
 

“Fuck you.” Loki stood up, gritting his teeth as he ripped the sticky tape off his arm, yanking the plastic end of the IV from his skin, warm blood slowly dripping down his arm, seeping into the gauze. He stormed out the room on weak legs, wobbling, putting all his strength into the power to not pass out.

Thor chased behind him, firmly grasping onto his uninjured wrist.   
 

“Let go of me!” Loki yelped as he attempted to rip his arm away. But Thor would not give up so easily, his grip tightening.   
 

“Please, Loki, do not do this.” Thor pleaded, not wanting to lose his brother yet once again.  
 

Loki ignored the fact that this stranger knew his name, he probably had to search for his ID to check him in anyway.

“Why!? I never wanted to be in this situation, because I just wanted to be _dead!_  What the hell is your problem?”  
 

“My problem? No, no. The question we have here is, what drove you to this?” He gestured towards his wrist. “What makes you so closed off from everyone?"   
 

Loki kicked him in the shins with as much power as he could muster, freeing his arm as he dashed down the long halls in haste. He slid on his heels, cursing the fact that the socks they made him wear contributed to this.   
 

“For Odin's sake... Loki!” Thor called out, chasing after him.  
 

Loki continued to sprint until he was met by a door, eagerly yanking on the handle. He cursed loudly, it was locked, just his luck. He slammed his foot against it, yelling in annoyance. He found himself smirking in mischief as he spotted a small glass window in the middle of the door, and before he knew it, he rammed his elbow into the thick glass. He begun hitting it again and again and again, over and over until his elbow begun to turn bright red and blood seeped up from in between the lines in skin.

Oh, that was going to leave one Hell of a bruise.  
  

Tears welled in his eyes, he wouldn't give up. He needed to go, to be free. He hated hospitals, he despised being looked at and watched and judged, even more so than people would do daily.

The door shook and rattled and caused quite the commotion, security guards emerging.   
 

“ ** _Loki_**.” Thor growled, sneaking from behind, grabbing Loki under his shoulders. Loki thrashed, kicking his feet and hitting Thor in the face, arms, where ever he could reach. As a last resort, he threw himself to the floor, trying to become as heavy as possible, not wanting to budge.   
 

“ **GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME**!” He screamed, his throat feeling as if he was drinking molten lava. The tears fell fast down his pink cheeks, breath escaping him.   
 

The officers, a handful of them, approached the scene. Thor's eyes narrowed, he couldn't throw up his hands, so the next best thing he got was to yell at them.

He didn't want anyone else interfering and diminishing his chance at being with his brother.  
 

“ ** _LOKI_**.” Thor shouted, voice booming, the one thing he could thank his Father for. Without much struggle, he lifted Loki up; he had always been quite lightweight but now it was worrisome, he was as light as a feather.  
 

“You are acting as if you are a  _ **CHILD**_!” he growled.  
  

“ **JUST KILL ME**.” The desperation in his look and pleas was tearing Thor apart. “ **PLEASE**.”  
 

He hauled Loki back down the hallway to his assigned room, the distressed trickster thrashing and cursing and squirming. Everyone stood to watch the event taking place, whispering among themselves in disgust and fear, even. The guards kept a close eye, trailing behind them, standing outside of the room.   
 

Thor dictatorially threw Loki on the bed, pushing him down with one strong hand on his chest, the other placed across his mouth.  

“Listen, damn you. You are acting out of your _mind_. I do not know what happened to you, but in Hel's name, you need to calm down, Loki.”  
 

Loki glared, biting at Thor's fingers. In response, he pushed further into his chest. “Do not test me. I am not to be trifled with.”  
 

“Fuck off.” Loki spat under his hand, not ceasing to wriggle around.  
 

Neither of them heard a knock at the door and were surprised by a man in a long white coat, a nurse standing beside him. The both of them looked at what was happening; the much larger man aggressively pinning down the slim, very miffed, bleeding man.   
 

The doctor discretely said something to the nurse, the middle-aged woman going over to the tiny sink in the room. She unlocked the cabinet underneath, pulling out a roll of beige gauze and little packs of disinfectant wipes. As she made it closer to the pair, the half-empty saline bag whose cord was hanging, and still dripping, creating a nice small puddle, caught her attention.   
  

Thor moved from his position on top of Loki, allowing the nurse to do what she needed. Loki hissed as his newly acquired injury was cleaned and bandaged. She searched around for a new needle to repoke Loki with, the pinch and sting bothersome. She replaced the needle with a new tube, reconnecting the drip to supply Loki's dehydrated body with what was needed.   
 

“Thor, if he runs again, you let us handle it. Alright?” The doctor said as he flipped through the papers in his clipboard. "We will need to have someone watch him for suicide precautions, not sure why that hasn't already been done."   
 

"The fuck you will." Loki murmured, earning a long stare from Thor.   
 

“Well, we will. They will be here as soon as they can, and I will return shortly after.” The doctor added before turning to leave, the woman following behind. The door was left partially open, hounds of security guards loitering outside the room in the meantime.   
 

As soon as they were left alone, Thor gripped back onto Loki's arm.   
 

“Stop. Fucking. Touching. Me.” Loki swatted at his hand, uncontrollably sniffling, pawing at the few loose tears trailing down.    
 

“Are you calm?” Thor denied his requests and instead held onto his shoulder.   
 

“Yes, yes, I'm _calm_.” Loki replied. He was beyond irritated at this point, extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to get this man away from him, and either punch him in his stupid face or kill him, whatever came first.   
 

After much hesitation, he let go, crossing his arms. He admired all the contraptions in the room; the picture box hanging from the wall, the machine that the "water bag" hung from and periodically beeped, the large metal machine that was in the corner of the room.   
 

“These healers are doing nothing but trying to help you.”  
 

“I don't want their help. I want out of this _prison_.” He replied softly, hands stroking through his tangled hair. Steadily, he begun to lay back down, reaching to pull up the covers. He noticed Thor begin to move, pointing a finger quickly in his direction. “ _Don't_. I'm not a child.”  
 

“This place is not a prison.” He backed away, deciding to sit in the leather recliner chair that was located next to the window.   
 

“I wasn't talking about the hospital.” Loki curled up into the blankets, wrapped the thick knitted blanket around his head, making a small yet big enough opening for him to be able to see Thor.  “...Some way to first meet, huh.”  
 

“I just wish for you to be well, Loki.” Thor stroked his stubble, releasing a subtle sigh.   
 

“They're going to come back and lock me up in the coo-coo hut. They always do.” He murmured, biting on his lower lip out of anxiety.  
 

“What is a coo-coo hut?” Thor dumbly questioned.  
 

“What is a... A crazy bin. A looney lock up.”  
 

Thor looked at him, confused out of his mind.  
 

“...A mental hospital.”  
 

Thor still continued to be dazed.  
 

“...You're not from here, are you?”  
 

Thor shook his head. “No. I hail from Asg-” He caught himself there. “I am not of New York.”  
 

“Yeah, I can tell. You know why?”  
 

“Why?” Thor looked at him.  
 

“You speak funny.”  
 

“What is humorous about the way I speak?”  
 

“ _Everything_.” He said, mockingly.  
 

“Maybe you do need to go to one of these, what do you call it?  'Coo-coo huts'.” Thor said with a grin on his face.  
 

Loki reached behind him to grab one of the many pillows, chucking it at Thor's face.  
 

He dodged the pillow with a large smile. “That was a good try, Loki!”  
 

Loki stifled a laugh.“Yeah, well, next time it won't be a 'try'.”  
 

Thor's grin grew bigger, as he glanced out the cracked door. In a way, it felt like old times, the two of them just goofing around.  
 

He noticed as a person made their way over to the door, dragging along a stool on wheels. They gave the door a strong shove, allowing more viewing space into the room from outside. They crossed their legs, searching into the bag next to them for a magazine to read.  
 

He turned his head back over to Loki who appeared distraught once again, cautiously watching the sitter. He tried to distract him, however he possibly could.

“Do you desire anything? Nourishment, water?"   
 

Loki was caught up in his own thoughts, then after a long moment, replied. “...Water. I could get it myself, you know."   
 

“No. Stay.”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes with a huff. “I'm not a dog...”  
 

Thor strolled over to the sink near the door, removing a paper cup from its large stack. He peered into the sink, tugging on one of the handles, the water coming out of the curved faucet. He filled its entirety, not realizing if the liquid was coming out warm or cold. He handed the glass over to Loki.   
 

Loki took it from him, nodding in return. He took a small sip, the contents being lukewarm, but he tried to not care much. Anything would feel good right now on his throat, which was burning and sore and ever so dry.   
 

He set the cup down next to him on the bed, throwing his head back into the pillow, massaging his temples with a sigh.   
 

“So, I assume you're not going away anytime soon.” He gave Thor a glance. “Right?”  
  

Thor nodded, returning back to his previous sitting position. "I will not leave your side."   
 

“ _Great,_ ” he said with a roll of the eyes. "...Who are you, really?"   
 

"Hm?"   
 

"You never formally told me your name."  
 

Thor's eyes widened at the realization that he, indeed, never actually did. "Thor."  
  

 _Thor? Why is that name so familiar... Interesting_.  
 

"You already know my name, clearly. But yeah, Loki."  
 

"It is nice to meet you Loki."   
 

"Oh, don't you fucking say that, this is the worst possible way to meet someone."   
 

Thor shrugged. "It is nice to meet you, this situation does not impact how I feel about you."   
 

"Oh... Wait... What? How do you feel about me?"  
  

Thor grinned.   
 

"Don't just grin, tell me!"

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doctors came by as they had promised, reassessing Loki, drilling him with a variety of questions, from previous suicide attempts to if he owned a pet.

Thor sat still, watching them, not making a peep. He studied Loki as he kept a calm demeanor, it really _was_ as if had done this a hundred times before.  
 

As the light coming from the window started to die down, doctor upon doctor, multiple nurses, social workers, psychiatrist, they all paid Loki a visit.

And Thor would oblige to anything they'd ask. If they wished for him to step out, he'd wait by patiently. If Loki asked for food, he'd go down and purchase some; he still didn't really grasp the concept of money.  
 

Thor reentered, the setting of the room had changed. All lights had been turned off, the only illumination was coming from the television that periodically flicked and changed colors as Loki flipped through multiple channels, settling on some action movie.  He had been sitting up, legs dangling off the side of the bed, blanket folded over his lap.  
  

“You really aren't leaving, huh?”  
 

“Why would I lie to you?” He sat down beside Loki, careful to not sit too overly close, the mattress dipping at the weight difference. He had bought a sandwich for Loki from the cafeteria, as it was past dinner time in the hospital. He placed the package down next to him.   
 

After a long pause, the silence in the room creating a tension, making them both uneasy, Loki finally spoke up. 

“Hey, you know... I'm sorry I slapped you. And ran away from you. And kicked you. And swore at you. And well... Just, sorry for being a total dick.”  
 

“It was my doing for provoking you.” Thor said in response, feeling his still tender cheek.   
 

“Still...” He looked at Thor, who despite having been there the whole day, and probably all of the night before, still radiated energy and positivity.  
 

“Today's been such a shit day.” He said with a loud sigh. “It first started in the morning when my fucking ass of an ex- _boyfriend_ broke up with me, and then—”  
 

“B... _Boyfriend_?” Thor stuttered out. He felt shocked, not shocked that Loki would find someone but the fact that he  _did_ find someone. He couldn't blame him, however, he had no memories of their past. He had to keep reminding himself that.   
  

"You're not homophobic or some shit, are you?" Loki's brows furrowed.   
 

Thor wasn't quite sure what that meant; they didn't use the terms homosexual or heterosexual in Asgard, they just called it love. But, he wasn't that, he was sure of. He shook his head.  
 

“Okay, good. But, yeah, he was a real douche. He always made awful comments about everything I did. ' _Why are you so useless? Why are you so pale? Why do you never eat? Why do you cut, are you emo?_ ' I really hated him.”  
 

“Why would you be with such a man?"   
 

“I needed a distraction.” He gave Thor a good look, up and down. “He actually looked a lot like you, now that I think about it. You're like his nice long-lost twin.”  
 

Loki momentarily paused from speaking, lifting up the sandwich to peel back the plastic cover. He removed it from its wrappings and bit into it, a small bite, but at least he was eating something.   
 

“But, then after that, I went to my work feeling both angry and relieved. And then, the manager comes out and fucking fires me. Says I scare off too many people with my 'looks', whatever the hell that means. Then when I got home, which is like, an hour train ride away, I got the notice that I'm going to have to move out by next week if I don't get my rent in on time. And hell, I can't pay for it now, not like I could before either.” Loki pulled at the ends of his hair nervously, re-wrapping the sandwich before putting it on the side table.   
 

“Why did you jump from that building?” Thor asked abruptly.  
 

Loki felt irritation growing in him, and opened his mouth to make a snippy remark, but he just sighed. Either he was extremely nosy, or he cared, which he could not comprehend the concept of anyone caring for him.

“Because today was the worst day of my life, were you not listening? But...It's not the first time. I was in the hospital short of 2 months ago for _another_ suicide attempt.”  
 

“ _Why_?” Thor felt tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. He was perceiving Loki to be happy, he thought he no longer needed him and was better off here than back home. He would never be able to forgive himself for not coming sooner.   
 

“I...I don't know you well enough to get into that right now, or well... ever.” Loki looked down at his hands, rubbing them against the blankets. “Life's just too much sometimes.”  
 

“Your family, your friends, do they not come to check on you?” Thor asked. He was heartbroken.   
 

“Any ' _friends_ ' I do have don't give a shit, and there's no family to rely on... so... I'm kind of all alone.” He took a deep breath. “I lived in an orphanage up until I was 18, then I lived on the streets until I could find a job and save up for a shitty apartment. And now I have a shitty apartment, but I can hardly afford it, let alone anything else. Great story, huh.” Loki pushed his knees up to his chest, head pressed into his kneecaps. “I know, my life's fucked.”  
 

 _You could not even fill him with decent memories. You cruel bastard._ Thor thought, his urge of wanting to just hold Loki and wrap him up in his arms incredibly strong.  
 

“What about you? Surely you must have a better story than mine.” He peeked at Thor, head still down.   
 

Thor shrugged, rubbing his fingers against his stubble; he seemed to do this more often when he was either frustrated, pondering something, or nervous. 

“I was raised in a city surrounded by the dark never ending skies; stars gleaming bright and the strong, large, beautiful buildings towering above all. I had a brother who I love... loved dearly. We would play together, dawn to dusk. He was far more knowledgeable than I, but I was more skilled in combat. He would tell me about the books he read, reciting old tales and legends while I showed him how to use a sword for protection. I was the oldest, I was pampered by my Mother and Father. He grew jealous, he caused havoc across the land..."   
 

Loki stared at him with curiosity. “What happened to him?”  
   
  
“He... He was forced to leave. He is safe now.” Thor said, nodding.   
 

Loki glanced down at his hand, studying his fingernails that were covered in black nail polish, already chipping and fading. “Well... Thanks for staying. Honestly. It would've been more terrifying being here alone.”  
 

Thor took this moment to slide just a bit closer. “I would not let you be alone.”  
 

Loki glanced once more at Thor.  _What an interesting man.  
_  

For the rest of the night, they shared stories; Thor telling Loki about the legends he had once taught him, Loki telling Thor about his _new_ childhood and his _new_ dreams. They talked about themselves, they shared jokes, they learned about each other all over again.  
 

Thor had said his father was ' _famous_ ', and he was going to inherit his ' _fame_ ', however that would work. Loki said he wanted to open his own tea shop and become a well-known artist.  
 

As morning came, Thor had fallen asleep next to Loki, using his coat as a substitute pillow, blood drenched sleeve now dry and facing the mattress. Loki constantly drifted in and out of sleep, the high anxiety and noise and being constantly checked on keeping him more than awake.

He had been staring mindlessly at the wall for more than an hour, giving up on the idea of rest. He peeked over at Thor, sound asleep. He looked at ease, face relaxed.   
 

“You're still there...” He said quietly, and he would never admit this to anyone, he wouldn't even acknowledge it himself, but he  _was_ glad he had stayed there by his side.   
 

Loki's ears perked up as he heard the tapping of shoes. He quickly threw his head back, closing his eyes tightly, mimicking sleep.  
 

The doctor firstly approached Thor, giving him a light tap on his beaten, quite bruised arm.   
 

He stirred from his slumber, gazing at the doctor in a groggy confusion. He begun to sit up, trying as to not disturb Loki.   
 

“Good morning.”   
 

“Good morning.” Thor yawned. “Are you in need of my assistance?”  
 

The doctor nodded. “We have decided to admit Loki based on all the information he gave us yesterday. We need him to sign some things and talk to him further before he is sent over.”  
 

“Admit? To where?” Thor became cluttered with confusion. He peered over at Loki, protectively putting his hands on him. “You are to not take him anywhere.”  
 

“Thor, this is what Loki needs. He needs to be sent down to the psychiatric unit where we will take good care of him. He is a danger to himself, and too high of a risk for relapse.”  
 

“You are _not_ taking him.” He growled out, instinctively gripping onto Loki's hand. He would always do this when they were younger, hold his hand out of fear or when either one of them was upset.   
 

Loki did everything he could to hold back a laugh. Here he was, pretending to be asleep as a man he had never met viciously defended him. He decided to wait and let this play out before he spoke up.  
 

 _Oh_ , was this man interesting.  
 

“This is not up to you. This is about Loki and his health, not you, Thor.” The doctor said, keeping a firm yet calm voice.  
 

Loki finally opened his eyes, the room felt as if it was spinning for a moment. “What if I don't want to go?”  
 

"Were you awake this whole time?" The doctor questioned.  
 

"Doesn't matter."  
 

“We think you are too much of a risk to yourself to let you return back home, Loki.”  
 

He pushed himself with one hand to sit up, still letting Thor hold onto him. He didn't know why, but it was awfully comforting even if he _despised_ of him.

“You are not locking me up with those other crazies, alright. I'm not insane, I don't need to be treated like a fucking _animal_ and watched over.”  
 

“No one is calling you that, Loki. The psychiatric ward is a place to help people get back to their daily lives.” The doctor responded.  
 

“Yeah, I know what it's like. I should get a fucking point card from all the times I've gone there, next visit free. I'm not fucking going. There's no way.” He abruptly got up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and jumping to a stand. They left the IV tube in all night despite not actually giving him any more saline.

Once again, with the doctor jumping into action to stop him, he tore off the tape and pulled out the tube. Oh, his poor, poor arm.   
 

He began to make his way out of the door, pushing past the doctor and sitter, who had changed throughout the night.   
 

Thor ran his hand down his face in annoyance. Why must he be so _damn_ stubborn?  
 

Both the doctor and Thor trailed behind, exiting the room. However, they were a moment too slow and Loki had begun dashing down the hallways, managing to get past the door he previously struggled with. The doctor yelled for security to come, turning around to block Thor in his steps.   
 

“This is not your job. Don't interfere anymore than you already have.”  
 

“He does not know you like he knows me. He does not fear me.”  
 

“ **Stay. Back**.” The doctor sternly looked at him, removing an old-fashioned silver phone from his pocket, dialing to request any help he could get. He ran down the halls, security guards and a nurse close on his heels.   
 

Thor watched them sprint in a hurry. He noticed a sign that read "stairs" behind the heavy doors; they were now remaining open, good on Thor's half.   
 

Loki begun to curse under his breath as he was met with two options; either he take the stairs and find himself behind locked doors again or wait ages for an elevator and most likely get stopped, and forced to get sent away. Either of these options were not great, but he took his chances as he threw open the doors, weakly making his way down to wherever he felt he could escape from. He did _not_   want to be locked up, he didn't want his life to suck anymore than it already did... All he wanted was to be curled up with that man telling him soothing stories.  
 

Wait, _what_?  
  

Loki was so engaged in his own thinking, focused on just going down and down as fast as he possibly could, pushing away all of his thoughts towards that guy. He didn't even notice when he crashed right into a familiar face, stumbling backwards. He looked at Thor in a daze, whipping his head around, bloody confused. “Where the actual Hell did you come from?”  
 

“You had run down the halls, I knew you would not allow them to catch you. I traveled to the floor below.” He grinned, proving to be not as moronic as Loki picked him out to be.   
 

“But, those stairs aren't even connected, are they? I don't..." He shook his head. "Never mind that. Now what? You got any further of a plan, genius?”  
 

“Return back to the room. I will speak to the healers. I am not allowing them to take you away.” He reached for his wrist, beginning to return back up the stairs.  
 

“Now, hang on a moment there, pal. Why do you think that they're going to listen to _you_?” He crossed his arms in an attempt to avoid contact. He knew he was far stronger than him, he wouldn't be able to escape his grasp.  

“They will listen, I know.” Thor nodded. He wasn't as good with words as Loki was, but he was alright when it came to making an argument. He was convinced he would get the doctors to agree with him, no doubt about it.   
  


“No, no. Think realistically. We could just keep going down and leave this place. We could get out of here and not deal with them at _all_.” He took a step back, ghosting for the door handle, hoping to get him to follow his lead. “I mean, you want to protect me, right?”  
 

Thor nodded, stepping off the stairs and closer to the sly dark-haired man. “Of course. I only wish for nothing bad to happen to you.”  
 

“Right. So, we can go and get out of here, and everything will be okay. I can help you get back to your hotel or whatever, and then I can get home. And be safe. Okay?”  
 

Loki, with one hand on the door handle, ready to go, other hand extended, he waited for Thor to decide on what to do. He was so close to being free of this hospital, what he had considered a true hell hole, and being rid of this freak.   
 

Thor took his hand into his own as he begun to step closer and closer. Loki took in a deep breath, Thor was now a little too in his space, his sense of comfort being gone.

Then swiftly and quickly, Thor pushed Loki up against the cold brick wall, face leveling with his. “I may not be as bright as you, but I am not the oaf you make me out to be, Loki. I can see your tricks.”  
 

Loki couldn't help but smirk. You know, maybe this guy wasn't so bad after all.   
 

“I have my own tricks as well.” Thor whispered, the tips of their noses brushing, sending a spark down through Loki's body. His heart was thumping in his chest, and he cursed his body for betraying him, his reaction displeasing.  
 

Loki could feel his eyes instinctively close, he was now acting more on what his body fed him than what his logical state screamed at him.  
 

 _Run away, you don't even know this guy, slut.  
_  

His mind was racing, and as their lips ghosted, the feeling of Thor's hot breath on his face, he knew he wanted to close the gap between them. He could feel himself giving in. Thor however, quickly scooped Loki up, hoisting him over his shoulder.   
 

“ _Oh_ , you sly son of a bitch.” He laughed in frustration.   
  

“...You promise you won't let them take me away?” Loki sincerely asked.   
 

“I promise.”

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 


	4. I Always Get My Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor felt goosebumps form. He might have just cracked it, that he truly was living in a delusion and a lie, seeing only what he wished to believe. 
> 
> His Father, his friends, even Loki himself... They were all right.
> 
> And he saw it just then, that blood-curdling look of pure crazed evil deep inside his brother's eyes. 
> 
> Was there really a way to fix all of this, to make Loki return to what he wished he would be? Could he really apologize for all of the hurt that he had caused him? 
> 
>  
> 
> “You know what, get out.”
> 
> “Lo—”
> 
> “OUT.”
> 
> He shoved Thor over to the door, Thor half willingly going as Loki would never have the strength to actually push him across the room. He slammed the door shut, hard, loud, in his face.

 

“He will be admitted, Thor. At this point, there is nothing you or Loki can say that will convince us otherwise. It's for his own safety.” Dr. Selvig, as he had introduced himself, spoke in a calm tone. He twirled around the black pen he held in his hands, anticipating Thor's response, because he  _knew_ he'd have one.   
  


Thor was otherwise occupied, the distractions plenty; the beeps of machinery that resided in the hallway and other patient's rooms causing clustered noise, the bright overhead lights shining down, person after person walking by. He kept thinking about Loki, sitting alone in the room with security personals hovering over the hospital bed, watching him like a hawk to ensure he wouldn't attempt another grand escape.  
 

He was utterly overwhelmed by everything.

Here he is in a whole new realm that he knows little to nothing about, where he found his brother trying to kill himself, and now they are stuck in what they call a "hospital" and they are trying to further take Loki away from him.   
 

Dr. Selvig cleared his throat, Thor snapping back into the present with a shake of his head, racing thoughts clearing.  
 

“Is there not a way for him to return home yet you healers make sure he is not ill?” Thor asked, practically begging at this point. He didn't want to, but he would of gotten down on his hands and knees, crying, if that ensured the release of the trickster.   
 

They stood outside of his room, the gray metal door shut.   
 

After Thor had coaxed Loki into going back to the room, which resulted in many screams and hits to the face, they threatened to strap him down if he did not behave. Loki agreed that it would be in his best interest to not be tied down and literally trapped, like an animal, and therefore decided to sit down and shut up.   
 

 _Same old Loki_ , Thor had thought, _Full of tricks and mischief_.  
 

The doctor let out a heavy sigh, tapping the metal tip of the pen against his wooden clipboard. “You're a close friend of his, yes?”  
 

“Boyfriend.” Thor blurted out. “I am Loki's _boyfriend_.”  
 

Oh, if Loki found out that he had said that, now,  _that's_ when a monster would be released. If they thought he was a demon before, they would be heavily surprised.   
 

Dr. Selvig gave a nod as he begun flipping through the massive amounts of papers he had, scribbling down words and various other things that Thor was clueless about. "One moment."   
 

Thor nodded as Dr. Selvig knocked on the door, asking to speak with the social worker and psychiatrist. 

They emerged from behind the door, standing around, speaking in hushed tones and exchanging papers. They occasionally would glance back at Thor, nodding and adding hand gestures to further their discussion.   
 

After what seemed like an hour, but was realistically more like fifteen minutes, Dr. Selvig returned back to Thor.   
 

“We have discussed what we think is the best for Loki, and you." he started, "If you stay with him for no less than a week and you comply to daily visits from one of our specialists, and he attends daily therapy, and within that week shows no sign of threat to himself, wither this be scratching or burning or overdosing, then he can stay in outpatient treatment. We feel Loki could benefit from not being kept further in the hospital."   
 

“We will do this.” Thor said quickly in disbelief. He didn't think it was possible to actually convince the doctor to let him stay with Loki.  
 

"But Thor, I am trusting you that you can handle this. I am not saying it will be your fault if he attempts to hurt himself any further, but I believe that this could be the best for you both. I have never made a compromise of this sort when the patient is already secured to be admitted. So, please, take care of him."   
 

"I will."   
 

The doctor nodded. “Good. I need to get Loki's say on this too, Thor, before anything is officially arranged. Let's talk it over with him, and if he agrees, I will go get the proper papers for you two to sign and ensure his discharge to you."   
 

They pulled open the heavy door, Loki catching the doctor's gaze, Thor apprehensively standing close behind.   
 

"What's wrong?" 

Loki immediately stood up, a nurse who was mixed in with the miniature gathering that appeared to be happening in his room rushed over to his side, ushering him to sit back down. 

“I'm not fucking going to pass out or shatter or run away or whatever the hell you think just by standing up. Damn.”  
 

“Loki,” The doctor cleared his throat as he would do every so often. “I talked over with Thor among various other people you have seen these past few days, and we have come to realize that sending you to our behavioral health and psychiatric services unit would not benefit you at this time."  
 

"Yeah, no shit." Loki scoffed.   
  

"Loki..." Thor said in a 'behave yourself' tone.   
 

"We have formed a plan that we think you could take from the most, and it would revolve around you being at home."   
 

“Go on.” Loki crossed his arms. He wouldn't admit it, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't impressed that Thor actually managed to talk some sense into them.   
 

“I am willing to let you do outpatient treatment, Loki. But, only if you will comply with the rules. Do you understand?”  
 

He nodded.  
 

“Are you willing to have daily visits by me, and oblige if I feel there are any safety concerns, wither this means I suspect you are self harming again or feel you want to end your life?”  
 

Loki gazed at the wall, having second thoughts for a split second, making a mental checklist of the pros and cons of this whole ordeal.  
 

_Pros: You won't have to go where the crazies are._

_Cons: You have to deal with these jackasses. And possibly a blonde one too.  
_  

He took in a deep breath. “...Yeah, sure.”  
 

Dr. Selvig nodded. “Are you willing to attend daily group therapy?”  
 

“Therapy?” Loki scoffed. “First of all, I hate therapy. I don't do that kind of thing. Secondly, with a group of weird ass people? No thank you. Third, I wouldn't have any way to get to therapy. I don't have a car.”  
 

“What if we provided you with at-home therapy, one on one, no group?” Dr. Selvig said, reasoning with him.  
 

Thor reassured him with a stern glance.  _“Please."  
_  

Loki felt a lump in his throat, palms becoming warm. He played with the strings hanging from the hospital gown they forced him to wear, despite him not remembering ever putting it on.   
 

“Fine. I'll do that.” He found himself spitting out.   
 

“And, lastly, do you agree to having your boyfriend stay by you, and allow him to remove anything that he sees as a danger, for at least a week, no less?”  
 

“B-boyfriend?” Loki said, eyes widening, eyebrows raised as high as they possibly could go. Loki stared dead straight at Thor, trying to get him to read his mind, repeating a mantra of ' _I fucking hate you_ '.

Thor felt cold sweat drip down his neck. He knew that Loki was going to give him a piece of his mind later, he would have wither he had all of his memories or not.   
 

“I don't want him to babysit me for a week, hell no.”  
 

“Then, Loki, this isn't going to work. You agreed you would comply to all the rules. I am not going to make any more exceptions, especially involving this.” Dr. Selvig said with a smug grin.   
 

“Fine,” Loki huffed, exasperatingly rolling his eyes. “Fuck me.”  
 

“I'll go get the paperwork for you two to complete. And I'll have a nurse send down your clothes.” He turned to leave with the nurse close behind, the plethora of security guards thinning out to just two, who would instead wait outside of the door instead of close by in the room.  He peered back one last time. “It won't be like this next time, Loki, I can promise you that. Be careful."   
 

The door remained half way open, enough for him to be checked without too much hassle.   
 

The coast being clear, Loki opted to stand up, stretching out his limbs. Both of his arms were completely sore, a variety of bruises blotched among his skin, a small cotton bandage laid across the spot where the IV had been removed from. His legs ached, the feeling of heaviness, as if they were made out of lead, bothering him endlessly.   
 

“So, _boyfriend_.” He put emphasis on that last word.  
 

“I had to say that, Loki.”  
 

"Whatever," Loki paused as a young man wearing blue scrubs handed Thor a large plastic bag, full of Loki's clothing items and personal belongings, leaving shortly after. "Don't go thinking that because you  _'saved me'_ , automatically I'm going to be forever in your debt or whatever. I don't know what goes on in that little fucked up mind of yours, but I swear to God, if you try something on me..."    
 

He still felt faint, his head spinning with every step he took, but he didn't want to spend any extra second in this place. He snatched the bag from Thor's hands, looking around, pondering how he would make this work. There was no bathroom, the room microscopic, leaving no place to get dressed in peace.   
 

He glanced back at Thor, coughing.  
 

“Close your eyes.”  
 

“What?”  
 

“Close them!” He half-jokingly yelled.   
 

Thor obliged, covering his face in his hands.   
 

Once Loki was certain Thor could not see even a peak, he begun to untie the back of the robe, letting it fall to the floor. Sure, the security people could see him, but, for some reason, that was different. Maybe he was too afraid of Thor seeing his body, his body that was massively covered in scars and burns and various other things he considered foul that made him absolutely despise the way he looked. 

He searched through the bag, removing his wallet and phone first, clothing items secondly. He wasn't quite too sure why they didn't take his coat away, but he didn't care enough to ask anyone. They did however take his boxers, as they had in past experiences, usually as another safety precaution. That made him wonder too, who undressed him in the first place and put him in that gown? 

He started to internally scream at that thought.   
 

He slid one lanky leg into his boxers at a time, up over his hips whose bones protruded. He removed his black skinny jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them in preparation of getting them on his body as fast as possible.   
 

Thor heard the bustle of fabric dropping onto the ground, sliding against skin, zipping or unzipping, he wasn't quite sure. His curiosity grew, and against what his conscious was telling him, screaming at him not to do, he ever-so-slightly spread his fingers, a slither of light to be seen between them. He could see a glimpse of Loki, the man hardly dressed, skin just as pale as he remembered it.    
 

However, he was taken aback by the presentation of his body. He had seen parts of his scars earlier, his arms raised like mountains with dips like craters in a multitude of locations. But, that wasn't what had caught his eye. No, that wasn't as bothersome as what he was seeing in that moment.   
 

He'd always been different than the rest of the Æsir, with his skin as fair as the moon and hair as dark as coal and his body as petite as a maiden's. Most men had toned muscular arms, veins bulging at even the slightest movement. But Loki, he had always been quite small.   
 

This was different. This wasn't just being a different body type anymore, he was as close to a walking skeleton as could be, or at least he was in Thor's eyes.

Loki believed himself to be perfectly fine, quite possibly a bit  _too_ fine in some areas.   
 

Ribs peaked out from under his nearly translucent skin, they could even be seen from his back. And his spine, every bone could be counted. Thor figured he could wrap his fingers around Loki's bicep and there would still be space left.  
 

He continued to stare through the small opening between his fingers, watching in awe.   
 

Once Loki had become dressed, shoes still in hand, he spun around on his heel to face Thor. He wore a dark green button up shirt, the fabric having a light shine to it and a simple stripe print. Over it was a black vest, quite possibly leather, the buttons a bright silver with emblems imprinted. His form fitting jeans weren't so form fitting as they would bag in various places. To hide the scratches on his neck, and also probably for extra fashion points, and because it was bloody cold outside, he wore a thick knitted scarf. Of course, it had to be in the color green.   
 

Loki still dressed just as polished and clean and sophisticated as he did before, some aspects of him seeing to never change. He had always been the one with a keen eye and sense for fashion. 

With his eyes focused on his shoes the whole time, he glanced upwards.   
 

“Thor, can I just say-”  
 

In a panic induced frenzy, Thor scrambled to close his fingers together tight, begging any God out there to not let him notice. Please, please don't let him notice.   
 

But, of course, he noticed.  
 

“Fucking pervert!” He yelped. "What did I tell you about trying something?"

Thor tensed, hands lowering in embarrassment. He was ready for quite possibly another slap to the face or screams of a string of profanities. However, Loki's reaction was not suspected. He begun to burst out into laughter, placing a shoe down to slide his foot in. “I guess you're not so sly after all, huh.”  
 

"I..." Thor's face had gone hot, he was certain it had changed colors noticeably.   
 

“How _cute_ , you're blushing.” Loki mocked, sticking out his tongue.  
 

“Hush, you.” Thor looked away quickly, scratching the back of his head, swallowing his guilt.   
 

Loki waltzed over to Thor, planting his hands on his shoulders. He begun to lean into him, Thor's face instinctively reddening further.   

Was Loki toying with him, teasing him? After all of those threats, after all of that kicking and yelling and he tries to further mess with him?  
 

Loki let out a boisterous laugh. “Oh man, you really are _cute_.”

The words had just slipped out, and Loki felt odd. He was letting his guard down too much, starting to actually  _enjoy_ this Thor's company. What was he doing?   
 

Thor took this as his opportunity to retaliate. With Loki still leaning on him, all in his personal space, he smirked.    
 

“Oh, am I?”  
 

"No, you're not."  
 

Loki sucked in his lower lip, meekly backing away to fetch his coat. He knew for certain his sleeve would be stained, doubting any amount of fabric cleaner would fix the mess that was made. And he didn't want to wear that, knowing he'd have to go out in public to get home, but he'd rather have people stare than be freezing. He carefully slid it on over his shirt, tucking wallet and phone into the front pocket.   
 

They both turned in surprise at the sound of a gentle knock on the door, Dr. Selvig gesturing for them to follow him.   
 

“Come now, _boyfriend,_ ” Thor said, exaggeration heavy in his voice, as well as a slight hint of tease.   
 

“Fuck you.” Loki pushed pass him but not without Thor latching on, a firm tug on his sleeve. Was he really still worried about him running off, despite the fact he was actually getting discharged?   
 

They followed and walked down the seemingly endless halls, it was almost like a maze. One wrong turn and you'd be lost in here forever. The wall's paint jobs changed in colors, going from pure white to a light blue. Pictures of wildlife and paintings of flowers filled up the blank spaces. It made Loki sick to his stomach while Thor on the other hand was quite amused.   
 

"You're all ready and set to go. Ms. Perali will finish going over the papers with you. The forums are all here and approved, just in need of your signature.” He patted a moderately tall stack of thin papers.   
 

“And, Thor,” he cleared his throat, “If you have any complications, please call the number on the handout you'll get. It's there in case of a crisis. We'll see you tomorrow.” He quickly disappeared behind closed doors, leaving the pair to finish up and set on their journey home. Or well, Loki's home in that case.  
 

Wait, did Thor really think Loki was going to just let him stay there as well? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

Thor took the first step to exit the hospital, pushing past the sliding glass doors. He glanced down at the handout he was instructed to keep, folding it up as neatly as possible to put into his pocket with his treasured pouch. 

Loki was a step behind him, trying to distance himself at this point.   
 

Thor looked ridiculous; not only wearing a short sleeved shirt in this kind of weather but one that was littered with holes and wounds all over his arms. His pants were quite dirty as well, stains of blood and dirt patches among them.

Loki almost felt guilty. This man that had come out of nowhere makes it so he doesn't die, injures himself in the process, ruins his clothes, and then spends multiple days being abused by him verbally and physically.  
 

He peered at his coat, wanting to offer it to him, but was unsure if it would fit him or not. After all, he was pretty ripped, he would say so.    
 

“Where to now?” Thor stopped in the middle of the drop-off zone, looking around in awe.  
  

“Fucking idiot!” Loki yelled, shoving Thor out of the way of a speeding red car, just in the nick of time. The guilt had vanished. This man was truly a moron. “You're going to get yourself killed, Jesus Christ.”  
 

“Where to?” Thor asked, oblivious of his surroundings.   
 

Loki sighed, he was beginning to do this much more often. “Grocery store, then home for me, back to your hotel or whatever for you.”  
 

“What is this hotel you speak of? Dr. Selvig said I was to stay with you.”  
 

Loki continued on his way to the sidewalk. “Yeah well, that's not happening.”  
 

Thor gripped onto Loki's coat, halting their steps. “They will take you back, Loki. They lock you in that, what did you call it, 'coo-coo hut'. You heard what Selvig said, Loki.”  
 

“No. No one's going to take me away. We'll just trick them into _thinking_ you're staying with me.”  
 

“That is deceit.”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes. “No offense, but I'm not letting you stay with me. Got it?”  
 

“Why not?”  
 

“I... Because.”  
 

“Because, why?”  
 

Loki twisted the ends of his hair in frustration. “Just shut up.”

 

 

Loki lead the way to the train station, a far walk from the hospital but nothing too unbearable for either of them.

Thor stayed close by Loki as they waited for their particular train, sea of people rushing to get on, filling up all the seats. Thus, they were forced to sit side by side. All sorts of people were on; children with their backpacks stuffed to the brim, women hushing their crying infants, businessmen clutching the handles of their brown briefcases, and even a man playing on the bongos, something not too uncommon.  
 

Loki started to drift off into a sleepy haze, the exhaustion from the previous days finally catching up to him. He peered around before leaning his head over on Thor's shoulder, using him as a pillow. Not a very good one at that, but he didn't quite care at that exact moment.   
 

Thor felt himself begin to smile, fingers stroking through his hair in a soothing matter.  
 

“Don't... touch me...” Loki muttered, eyes half-lidded.   
 

“You were the initiator."  He proceeded to play with his long ebony locks, twisting the tips into a curl.   
  

“Whatever...” Loki's eyes came to a close as he yawned.  “Thor?”  
 

“Hmm?” Thor hummed out. He had thought he had already fallen asleep, but apparently not.   
 

“Thanks...Despite what I say, you're... a good person.”  
 

“You are full of good as well, Loki.” His hand traveled down his spine, creeping down his body until he found comfort in Loki's palm, their fingers lacing. 

Loki was too tired to give a damn at this point. He knew he was conflicted between hating the shit out of this guy or loving him to Hell and back. And that scared him, feeling that strongly either way about someone you  _just_ met.   
 

“Such a... good person.”

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

“The pharmacy is in the back.” Loki said as he palmed at the prescription the doctor wrote. He hated taking medicine, he really resented it, but there was a spark in him that wanted to get better and stop living the way he did, in pure agony. Those long nights crying himself to sleep, wondering if he'd be able to make it even just another hour.  
 

It had already grown dark out by the time they made it back to his general area. Thankfully Loki lived right across from a grocery store. The game plan was to get what they really came there for and then figure out what to do after that. Loki was a hundred percent set on Thor not staying with him, but Thor thought otherwise.  
 

Thor was starting to feel the effects of lack of sleep as well. He could not imagine how it must have been for Loki, the poor thing probably needing to sleep for days on end.  
 

“Do you need any nourishment? They do sell that here, food, do they not?” Thor asked as he followed tightly behind Loki, entering the quite massive store. They traveled through the aisles, gaining a few odd stares. An elder lady paused from her shopping trip to gawk, shaking her head in disgust.   
 

Thor grounded himself, fist tightening, but he knew better than to make a scene.   
 

“All I want to do is pick up the medication and leave. I just want to sleep, and I'm sure you're exhausted too.” Loki stopped at the pharmacy, standing behind the small line that consisted of about two other people.  
 

He turned to look at Thor. “Once we're done here, I'll help you find a place to stay in, okay?”  
 

“But Loki, Dr. Selvig said I am to stay-”  
 

Loki cut him off mid-sentence. “I know what he said.”  
 

“So I am to stay with you.”  
 

“No. You are not _to stay with_ me.” Loki mocked as he glanced downwards. “Look, I really appreciate everything you've done, I just... We just met. You understand, right?”  
 

“Of course.” Thor said with a nod. He'd figure out a way to make Loki break. He always did in the end. He had done is a hundred times before, it wouldn't be any different now.   
 

“Next in line.” A woman called out.

Loki moved up to the counter. “We came to pick up this prescription, under Loki Laufeyson. It should have been sent in already.”  
 

The lady nodded, going into the depths of the pharmacy to check. She came back, a smile on her face.

“It'll be ready in ten minutes.”  
 

Loki nodded. “Thank you.”  
  

Thor gazed around in awe, admiring the shelves stocked with food he'd never seen before. Cartons of small eggs were all stacked in an aisle, jugs of milk were inside "cooling chambers", blocks of packaged cheese and other dairy products were all in rows. It really did amuse him, but then again, nearly everything did.   
 

“Come on, weirdo.” Loki tugged on the brim of Thor's shirt, trying to coax him out of the way of fellow shoppers.   
 

“What is that?” Thor rushed over to the large refrigerated shelves, stocked with different varieties of yogurt.  
 

“Uh... yogurt?” Loki observed Thor. He was quite odd, indeed. But, there was a sense of innocence to him, something that was just fascinating.   
 

Thor backtracked over to a table adorned in various packaged cakes and cupcakes, the frosting on the sweets in a variety of bright colors. “What is this?”  
 

“Overpriced sweets.” Loki snickered at his own joke.  
 

Thor picked up one of the packages, examining it. A chocolate cupcake with blue frosting.  
 

“I will buy one!” Thor held the package close, as if he were protecting it.  
 

“Yeah, alright. Good for you.” Loki stifled a laugh.   
 

The image of a man over six feet tall, buff as can be, cradling a small cheaply made cupcake, acting like it was the best thing in the world, was just too much for Loki.   
 

“What is so funny?” Thor's eyebrows arched.  
 

“You.”  
 

“Why? What have I done?”  
 

Loki shook his head. “Nothing. You're just adorable, that's all.”

He bit his tongue. Why in Hell did he say that? Why in the Hell did he keep calling him names like that - adorable, cute, nice. Why did he let him hold his hand, why did he let him almost kiss him? What was happening, was he having a nervous breakdown?   
 

"You think of me as adorable?” Thor beamed.   
  

“N-no. You're... you're awful. That's what I said.”  
 

“This is not what I heard.”  
 

“Shush.” Loki cleared his throat. He fetched his phone from his pocket, pressing down the side button to display the time.   
 

“Stay here. I'll be right back.” Loki walked back over to the pharmacy, the line diminished.   
 

Thor nodded, going back to admiring his precious cupcake. He observed all sides of the cupcake, the frosting looking delectable and the cake part of it looking divine.  
 

He craned his neck at the sound of yelling. His gaze moved from his sweet to his Loki, seeing him arguing with the pharmacist. He rushed over to him, cupcake in one hand, his other hand resting on Loki's shoulder.  
 

“What is wrong?"  
 

Loki bit his chapped lips in frustration. “What's wrong is, apparently, my shitty insurance won't cover the costs, and this damn medication is fucking four hundred dollars. Where the hell am I supposed to get that money? No one can afford that.”  
 

“If you can't afford this medication, you can talk over finding a cheaper alternative with your doctor.” The lady clutched onto the white paper bag.  
 

“I don't have a doctor because my insurance won't cover any, and I have _no_ money.” Loki snapped, turning in what was building up to be a blind rage. “Let's go.”  
 

Thor looked at the pharmacist, pulling the leather pouch from his pants pocket. He peered into it, pulling out multiple _green papers_. “Does this cover what is needed?"   
 

She nodded, timidly sliding the bag across the counter.   
 

“Thank you for your services.” She said quietly with eyes full of tears.   
 

“Services? More like _robbery_.” Loki spat, pulling Thor away to a less crowded area in the store. “H-how did you even...?”  
 

Thor shrugged, handing Loki the bag. “I just did.”  
 

In a rash decision, Loki blurted out the words. “You... You can stay with me for tonight. But, _only_ tonight. Got that?”  
 

Thor grinned, large and warm. He _always_ got what he wanted in the end. Always.  
 

“I've never been able to afford to buy my medication, despite never wanting it... Never had the opportunity to test it in the first place." 

Loki peered around the store, making sure that there were not too many people in sight. He straightened his posture, adding an extra inch to embrace Thor, tightly.   
 

"Thank you..."

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Loki slid his key card in front of the scanner, the entrance door to his apartment complex unlocking. He held open the door for Thor, who was carrying his cupcake in one hand and the medication in the other.  
 

He lead them over to a set of stairs, traveling side by side up to his floor.  
 

“Sorry, the elevator for this place is broken. It's an alright complex, but, well, I wish I could live in a nice loft downtown. But, that's never going to happen. ” Loki nervously pulled on the cuff of his jacket. One of his many nervous habits was playing with his clothes, Thor begun to notice. He had developed a lot of these habits, things that he never did much of before.   
 

“There is no need for apologies, Loki. Ever."   
  

“R-right, I'm sorry. I mean... uh...” Loki fidgeted around with his keys, bumping into the door once they reached his apartment.

Why did Thor make him so damn flustered?   
 

“Are you alright?”  
 

“Quite.”  
 

Loki unlocked the door to his tiny apartment.  
 

“Home sweet home.” He snorted.  
 

They stepped inside, Loki closing the door behind them, turning the lock. He flicked on the lights, hanging his coat up on the door hook.

   
“I'll have to wash you later, or throw you away, something.” He noted, heading towards his bedroom.  
 

Thor was left to stand in the middle of his apartment, taking it all in. It just screamed Loki. It was reminiscent of his old chambers.  
 

The walls of his apartment were stark white, but adorned with paintings of interesting buildings and photographs of fashion.

There stood two tall black bookshelves; one filled top to bottom with books, very very typical Loki. The other was decorated with a multitude of CDs from various artists, Thor spotted a few that had the signed initials of what he assumed to be the musicians. Trinkets were also contained upon the shelves; figurines of snakes, wooden abstract sculptures.   
 

In the middle of his living room, the tiny lounge area that it was, housed a small worn green couch, hardly long enough for one person to lay on. He had a glass table, art supplies spread across it; half empty paint bottles, a case of colored pencils representing the rainbow, a cup filled with a diverse array of paint brushes.

He got a glimpse of the bedroom, the walls covered in band posters. The majority of it was empty, despite a wooden dresser and a futon on the floor with blankets thrown on top of it.   
 

He peered over into the kitchen, which had hardly any separation from the living room. There was an oven, an electric stove on top, beside a medium sized fridge. These devices were new for Thor, things in Midgard differed so heavily from Asgard, as was to be expected, but he didn't expect it on this scale.

On the counter tops were more gadgets, all in matching red; a microwave, a toaster, a kettle.

Different cook books sat on the overhead shelves, some larger than others, the spines of each book was either red or black or white. On the wall hung several oven mitts; one red, one green, and one blue.  
 

He loved it. Loki had struggled, was struggling, had been through some pretty rough shit, yet he kept his sense of who he really was.  
  

So, he basked in the thoughts of being here with Loki.

Finally finding him, being able to talk to him and smile at him, touch him even, and the fact that he was still alive.

It felt almost too good to be true.  
 

He nonchalantly tucked his hand into his pocket, the rough edge of paper poking him. He pulled it out, remembering about that handout. He forgot he placed it in there for safe keeping.    
 

Curiously, he decided to give it a look over.

The title read ' **Crisis** **Prevention Instructions** ' in big bold letters. Underneath was a list of things he could do; take away all sharp objects or anything dangerous, such as strings or ropes or medication, keep watch over him throughout the night, keep track of who he's communicating with, and the such. 

He felt as if maybe these rules were a bit too much, as he didn't want to further upset Loki.   
 

But when he looked around, he noticed a knife rack in the kitchen housing five  _very_ sharp blades. Of course, they were for cutting up vegetables and what have yous, but Thor was petrified at the possibility of Loki having to go somewhere strange, for his own sanity and Loki's well being. 

 

 

He searched around, collecting all of the blades and whatever he deemed too sharp within the radius. A plastic shopping bag was lain on the counter, so he took it and carefully piled all the objects inside.   
 

Loki came out of his room in a new change of clothes, sweat pants and a comfortable oversized sweater, in yet again his favorite color. 

He heard the ruckus Thor was making before he actually saw him, bent over and rummaging through all his drawers.   
 

“Now what are you doing?” He muttered under his breath, making his way into the kitchen.   
 

He cleared his throat, bent over, staring at Thor. “Hey, you need help finding something? Or...”  
 

The bag Thor held was packed full. His kitchen knives, scissors, peelers, even his butter knives... They were all tossed in in a big mix mash.   
  
“The hell are you doing?” Loki said dully.   
 

“Making sure you are to be safe.” Thor hoisted the bag up, its weight starting to grow. He brought it over to the front door, twisting the lock, preparing to set the bag outdoors.

Loki hurried over to him, putting his hand on his wrist in an attempt to get this hotheaded oaf to stop and just think for a moment.  
 

“Stop. Just stop.” He pushed down lightly, hoping he would lower the bag. “Just because I have those doesn't mean I'm going to up and kill myself or whatever you think is going to happen. I need those to cook and eat and stuff, okay? And also, it's kind of rude to just come into someone's house and look through all their shit, let alone throw it all in a bag...”  
  

“It is not safe. I am following what those papers instructed me to do.” He proceeded to open the door, throwing the hazards out into the hallway.   
 

Loki went back to the kitchen, looking around for the paper in question. He lifted up a yellow paper, dented with crease marks. His eyes shifted around, reading the title and certain instructions. That irritation that had been surfacing so often was starting to build up yet again. 

He most importantly wasn't his problem, and he certainly wasn't a child whose moves had to be watched and recorded. He could make his own damn choices.  
 

He _did_ make his own choices, despite the outcome not always being the healthiest.   
 

"Don't... Don't." Loki repeated to himself, tapping his fingers against the counter, nails clicking. "You don't need to get mad at him. He's just stupid."   
 

His ears perked as he heard an odd noise, a quick swipe of fabric being pulled. "What in God's name..."   
 

He was in complete awe when he saw what he actually saw. Thor had begun pulling shoelaces from his favorite pair of high tops.  
 

"Okay, that's it." Loki clenched his fist, the blunt tips of his fingernails scratching against the counter top surface. "Stop, right now."   
 

He still proceeded in his quest of removing any kind of string. Was he stubborn, was he ignoring him, was he out of his mind?  
 

“For **fucks** sake," Loki's voice trembled and nearly cracked as he raised it. Thor stood stock still, staring at Loki with a nearly blank expression. "I am not a _child_. You don't have to worry over me and take away all my shit, and you definitely don't have to  _protect_ me. If I really wanted to hurt myself or something, I'd do it, and you wouldn't be able to stop me. So, what you're doing is not only pointless, but it's royally pissing me off.”  
 

Thor opened his mouth to speak, but Loki didn't give him even a second to continue, he didn't want to hear anymore bullshit excuses. “I know what the doctor said, don't you dare try quoting that on me. And that sheet, that's the kind of shit that creates a psychopath.”  
 

“I am only following what the information has told me to do. I wish for you to be well, to be healthy, to be safe, Loki. These objects are unsafe, you are unsafe."   
 

Loki lifted the paper, ripping it slowly, piece by piece, until it was nothing more than a pile of shreds.   
 

“Why don't you get it? You don't need to be concerned about me! Stop saying you wish for me to be well, stop trying to take care of me and please, stop trying to make things seem better. If you hadn't “ _saved”_ me in the first place, I wouldn't have to be in this god damn situation. And what the fuck do you mean I'm unsafe? Being here alone with you in my apartment is just as unsafe, so fuck off.”  
 

Thor dashed over to Loki in a haste, his emotions completely guiding his actions, steering them, steering him. Usually, he was controlled by an agonizing, terrorizing rage, but this time, it was fear.

It was all fear. He was chilled to the bone with fright that he'd lose Loki, forever, and he'd never know when to expect it.

The thought of losing Loki tore him apart from the inside-out. The thought of no longer being able to hear his calm, sly voice, or admire his delicate, perfectly carved face, or feel the warmth radiating from him... This fear was real, no matter how much Loki scoffed or dismissed it. 

He knew if this were to happen, if he were to cease being, Thor would soon join him. He knew that he would.

And yes, he knew at times that thinking that way was mighty selfish. If Loki chose to end his life, there was no way he could counteract that, and he shouldn't make it about himself, because it wouldn't be about himself. It would be about Loki deciding to end the suffering for his own reasons.   
 

But, he still proceeded to act on instincts.   
 

He grabbed a hold of Loki's arm, shoving his sleeve as far up as possible. "This expresses safety?"    
 

He had seen the scars in the hospital, his arms having been exposed for the world to see. The story these scars told was one full of pain and sadness and hurt and so much self hate.

But, when he stood there, face to face with Loki, arm in his grasp, it was as if all the memories from his past came gushing out, bursting like a dam.  
 

He could feel the misery, he could feel just how  _bad_ it was, and it made him think. Loki appeared all smiles, he appeared happy and energetic, carefree. 

Maybe he was  _never_ happy. Maybe all of those things he said, when he expressed feeling as if he were just a mere shadow, as if he had been ignored his whole life... Did Thor create the fantasy  _he_ wanted to see and cut out what was really happening?  
 

Had Loki truly become a monster? And perhaps, because of his own  _brother_?  
 

“What the fuck are you doing!?" Loki shoved Thor away from him as hard as he possibly could, hiding the exposed part of his body behind his back with shame. "Don't you ever touch me again!"   
 

Thor felt goosebumps form. He might have just cracked it, that he truly _was_ living in a  _delusion_ and a _lie_ , seeing only what he wished to believe. 

His Father, his friends, even Loki himself... They were all right.

And he saw it just then, that blood-curdling look of pure crazed evil deep inside his brother's eyes.   
 

Was there really a way to fix all of this, to make Loki return to what he  _wished_ he would be? Could he really apologize for all of the hurt that he had caused him? 

 

  
“You know what, get out.”  
 

“Lo—”  
 

“ **OUT**.”  
  

He shoved Thor over to the door, Thor half willingly going as Loki would never have the strength to actually push him across the room. He slammed the door shut, hard, loud, in his face.  
 

"Lord..." He begun to pace around the small living space, fingers digging into his scalp, creating crescent shape marks, which luckily could not be seen. "What the fuck..."   
 

He was terrified of what had just happened. The look Thor had in his eyes when he saw his _truth_ , all of the things he had done to himself over all these years. 

He was far past irritated. Irked that he acted as if he cared, pissed that he actually did seem to genuinely care, angry that he hadn't found him sooner.

And on top of everything, he absolutely hated himself for thinking that maybe this guy was a good thing, thinking that maybe he could change him. That maybe he _could_ actually make everything okay.   
 

No, of course he couldn't. He didn't understand _anything_. No one could make anything okay at this point. Hope was lost far too long ago.   
 

Thor stood outside the door, neck craned, viewing the sky. “Laugh all you wish. It was an idiotic idea, even I comprehend that. I am not _that_ stupid. Possibly I am for coming here.”  
 

Loki continued to pace, his hands trembling, breath unsteady. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He just didn't know how to handle something like this.  
 

“I don't fucking know anything anymore...” He cried out.  
 

Loki threw himself against the door; he could hear Thor rambling on and on to himself. His hand hovered above the doorknob, palms sweaty, thoughts unclear, his motivation uncertain.  
 

Why could he not have just one emotion for this man? Why could he not be plain mad? Why did it have to be concerned and angry and confused and hopeful all at once?  
 

He barely even knew this man. He could care less for this man.  
 

...Right?  
 

He pulled his hand back, clenching it tightly into a fist.  
 

“He gave you a second chance. You can't let him go now, even though he's a fucking idiot.”  
  

He forced himself to grip the handle. The door swung and came to an open with a loud thump, hitting Thor in the back.

Thor decided to ignore the burning pain and move over so Loki could venture outside with him.  
 

There he was, sat on the ground in the chill of the night, his blue eyes sparkling, as if they reflected the world around them.

All of his worries and doubts and irritation melted away as he just continued to stare and admire Thor.  
  

“I am sorry. So very sorry.” “Thor, I'm—” They both spoke at once.   
 

“I was a fool to act in that manner. I have always been a fool.”  
 

“No, you're not—”  
 

“I have never been kind to you...”  
 

“You've been nothing but nice to—”  
 

“All I wish to do is to protect you, in my own self centered manners. I am such a foo—”  
 

“For Christ's sake, let me talk.”  
 

Loki crouched down next to Thor, arms crossed over one another. “You've been nothing but kind to me, Thor. Don't be so hard on yourself.”  
 

“I have failed you. I always have.”  
 

Loki took in a deep breath through his nose. “Let's put what just happened behind us and forget about it. Okay? Let's just start over.”  
 

“Are you sure?”  
 

Loki nodded, forcing a smile. “Yes. Very sure.”  
 

Thor wrapped his arms around Loki, catching him off guard, and they both toppled over on top of one another. “Thank you.”  
 

Loki felt his face grow warm, cursing himself for blushing so damn much.

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Thor walked around the kitchen, humming to himself.  
 

Loki had said he wanted to relax, so Thor came up with the idea of preparing pasta for the both of them, another attempt to lighten the mood. Or, well, at least give it a try. He was not known for being the best cook in Asgard, let alone being known for being a cook at all.  
 

He pulled down two black plastic bowls from the cupboards, bringing them over to the pot, scooping out a handful of spaghetti noodles with a large wooden spoon. He sprinkled a fair helping of cheese on top of both.  
 

“Loki!” Thor turned around, cheerful. “Dinner's ready.”  
 

Loki was sprawled out on the couch, one arm over his eyes, the other hanging down. He had passed out the second Thor started cooking, sleep coming easy to him.  
 

He carefully sat both of the bowls down, grinning.  
 

He walked over to the couch, scooping Loki up into his arms. He carried him over and into his room, carefully maneuvering with one arm all of the sheets into a large pile, placing Loki down on his futon. He wrapped him up in layer after layer.  
 

With a gentle kiss to the forehead, he quietly left his room to allow the younger man to enjoy his rest.  
 

“Goodnight, brother.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. These New Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He jumped as a bolt of lightening struck, the aftermath of the noise it made, cracking, caused his body to tremble. 
> 
> Thor chuckled, not demeaning or directly at him, but out of love. He outstretched his arm, reaching to find Loki's shoulder, patting him gently.
> 
> “There is no need to be afraid.”
> 
> “I know... I know it's stupid. It's just... It scares me. Always has.” He pushed his head into the side of the sofa, shuddering. 
> 
> “I'll protect you. Do not worry."
> 
> Following close behind, thunder boomed and nearly shook the whole apartment. 
> 
> “Thunder has always calmed me though. Weird how that works, huh.”
> 
> Thor yawned, his fingers traveling to find the top of Loki's head, running through his hair. “Thunder would never hurt you.”

 

Loki stirred awake with a low grumble, a heavy handed knock coming from the front door. He blindly pawed for his phone, reaching in all of the spots he typically would have put the device. Thinking back, he didn't quite recall getting into bed, and thinking back even further, he didn't remember even falling asleep.

He felt the rectangular cellular device tucked away in his pocket, pressed against his thigh. He yanked it out, pressing the side buttons to display the time.  
  


“Why is someone here at _seven_ in the fucking _morning_...” He nearly growled, grabbing onto a pillow, throwing it on top of his face.  
 

The knocking grew louder and harsher, impatient shouting soon followed.   
 

“One day to pay your rent, Loki! One day, or you're  _out_.” The vexed man bellowed as he slid a yellow paper of notice under the minuscule gap between the ground and his door. 

  

Loki exhaled, eyes closing tightly. He had completely forgotten about _that_. Just another great addition to the cluster fuck that was his life. 

“Great, just great.”  
 

“What is great?” Thor said, hovering above.  
  


Loki's eyes widely shot open as he threw the pillow off of him. How long had he been standing there...?  
 

“...What are you doing in here?”  
 

“I heard you speak.”  
 

“Well, I wasn't talking to you.” He pushed himself into a sitting position, tugging a blanket around his shoulders.   
 

“Who were you speaking to?”  
 

Loki pointed a finger towards his chest. “Myself.”  
 

“That is silly.” Thor chuckled.  
 

Loki rolled his eyes. “Not as silly as you.”  
 

“I am silly?”  
 

“Very.”  
 

Thor found a space next to Loki on the futon, sinking down further into the cushion that gave little to no support. He crossed his legs, gleaming at Loki warmly.   
 

Loki sucked in his lower lip. He could never differ wither he was irked or enchanted by this man.  “What? You look like you want something.”  
 

Thor shook his head. “I enjoy gazing at you.”  
  

Loki turned his head, the sun starting to peer through the blinds, casting an orange tint upon the otherwise dark room. “Maybe you could, uh... do that less.”  
 

But then, Loki asked, insecurity flooding his voice.

“Why?”  
 

After a painstakingly long moment passed by without an answer, just as Thor was about to reply, words begging to leave his mouth, Loki shook his head. “Never mind.”  
 

He looked back at him, hurriedly changing the subject. “Are those the only clothes you have with you? I mean, like, you didn't bring a suitcase or bag or anything, did you?”  
 

Thor nodded, looking down at his nearly tattered clothing.  “They have seen some wear.”  
 

"Uh, yeah." Loki stood, making his way over to the moderately-sized open closet, blanket still resting on his shoulders, acting as if it were a cape almost. “Get up.”  
 

Thor obliged, making his way to stand beside him, goofy grin still plastered across his face.   
 

“We're gonna go clothes shopping.” Loki bit his tongue.  
 

Just that one night he'd planned for him to stay, he didn't want this to continue on any further. Yet, he didn't quite want to kick out this man, at least not yet. 

No, he was still interested in what further shenanigans he had planned, what other stories he'd share, how he'd react to, well, everything. He knew, he could feel it, every time he gazed at Thor, he'd get a glimmer in his eyes and butterflies in the pit of his stomach. He resented him yet he didn't want to see him go, quite possibly ever.  
 

“Clothes shopping?”  
 

 _Stupid, stupid,_ Loki thought to himself.   
 

“Yeah, for you. I don't think I have anything that would be your uh...” Loki stopped, not wanting to insult the other man, because he clearly wasn't large, he was just built extremely well and nothing like Loki's lanky stature.

That surprised even him, the thought of not wanting to insult him, anymore, or at least in this given moment.

 "...Style."   
 

Loki searched through the various pieces of clothes, pushing hanger after hanger aside. Despite not having much extra cash, he did have quite a collection of nice looking clothes, most from thrift shops. 

He located a brown leather jacket, the collar lined with fleece, the zipper and buttons a cool black metal. He had bought this jacket so long ago, he hardly remembered when, and where it was from even. The jacket was quite a few sizes too big, and with high hopes, he believed this could fit Thor. 

“It's cold out, so, try this one, would ya?"   
 

Thor removed the jacket from its hanger, admiring the appearance. He unzipped it slowly, sliding one arm in at a time. It was just a tad too tight, but otherwise fit him quite handsomely.   
 

Loki cursed under his breath, Thor actually looked quite  _great_. He didn't expect him to look so dashing, and for himself to actually fancy his appearance. 

“Looks... good. There's a mirror in the bathroom.”  
 

Thor strolled into the wash room. He had learned that a small switch on the wall could control the amount of brightness in a room, and so he flipped on the lights. He gazed into the mirror, taking notice of his face furthermost. He looked tired; wrinkles under his dull eyes, skin not as vibrant it was once before.

However, despite those negatives, he did enjoy how this jacket looked. He stood in various poses, viewing himself from all angles.   
 

His eyes wandered lower and he glanced around the tan counter top that was neatly organized; a toothbrush paired alongside a thin tube of toothpaste, a medium sized hairbrush and a pack of hair bands.

He removed a hair tie, hoping Loki wouldn't mind him borrowing one. He ran his hands through his, very, messy blonde hair, scooping it up into a ponytail, something he wore quite often back in Asgard.

Loose strands hung down the length of his face. He swooshed them behind his ears yet one deviously decided it wouldn't budge.   
 

Loki stood in the doorway, adjusting the collar on his jacket, a different one than what he wore previously, something not stained with his own blood, at least on the outside.

His outfit simple, adorned in a striped black and green sweater, a different pair of skinny jeans that hardly looked different than the ones from yesterday, and short grey boots.   
  

“Stealing my hair bands?” Loki questioned. Normally, he would slick his hair back, make himself look at least remotely decent. But, he lacked the energy to. 

If Thor hadn't been there, well, he most likely wouldn't have been alive, but if he had been, he would mope around in bed all day. He didn't love doing that, yet that's what his days always consisted of.   
 

“No." Thor denied.   
 

Loki scoffed, hitting his arm in a playful manner. 

 

“There's a store around here that I think you would like.”  
 

“Should we consume a meal before we leave?” They exited the bathroom together, Thor wandering off into the kitchen while Loki stood by the front door, hands on hips.

Thor begun to ponder, wishing to search through the cabinets and fridge for nourishment, however, he went against this idea for the better.  
 

“There's this great coffee shop we can go to nearby, grab something while we wait. The store doesn't open for another hour, so we have time to kill.”  
 

“This sounds great!” Thor nodded in agreement.  
 

“Off we go then.” Loki unlocked the door, the nippy air of a fresh day inviting itself in. He noticed the yellow paper on the floor, glancing at Thor who had seemed to not take notice.  
 

Perhaps he didn't hear the commotion either that had happened that morning, but he probably did and didn't want to ask any further questions, which would be a shock because he asked _everything_ without a hint of regret.  
 

He shoved the paper aside with a brisk movement of the foot, holding the door open for Thor, locking it tightly behind them.

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

“I come here a lot.” With his lips pressed against the brim of the black ceramic cup, Loki took small well paced sips of his mint tea, the steam hitting against his face pleasantly. “There's a relaxing aura here, I think.”  
 

A quaint tune played on the overhead speakers; an acoustic guitar chimed a jazzy set of cords with a man, voice low and gentle, singing.

The walls of the cafe were painted lavender, Thor taking notice to this as he did quite often. It amused him how everywhere he visited, the interior was quite customized. The fully risen sun shone through the sizable glass windows, shadows cast from people strolling around outdoors. Inside sat many different customers, a low hum buzzing under the music of chitter-chatter.   
 

Thor thumbed against his mug, dark blue with ridges raised upon its smooth glaze. The drink he ordered, a "coffee", had quite a bitter taste, almost a bit too much for his liking. Regardless, he continued to occasionally drink the hot liquids. 

He nudged at his circular bread, cream cheese filling both sides of the bagel, spilling out moderately through the open space in the middle. He bit off a piece, the taste sweet yet savory in his mouth.   
 

"It is quite charming." He replied with his mouth full.    
 

Loki deterred himself from chuckling.

He could sense what he was feeling, that he was growing a fondness for him, but there was no way in Hell he'd allow Thor to see that.  
 

“Didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full?”  
 

"No."  
 

Loki rolled his eyes as he rested his elbow against the table, placing his head in hand.   
 

"Enjoying yourself?"   
 

Thor nodded, gently placing the bagel back down on its plate, swallowing. “Very much.”  
 

Loki sighed, but rather than a sigh full of resentment or stress, it was more calm. “I had a strange dream last night. I think you were in it, if I recall.”  
 

“Was I?”  
  

"I think so, I can't really remember most of it. But, I do remember there was a magnificent sky. Full of stars and planets. Kind of like the one you said was wherever you grew up.”  
 

Thor gasped, choking on air. Was Loki... starting to remember? No, that couldn't be possible, could it?

It was just a dream, nothing more.  
 

...Right?  
 

He had been there for less than a week, he certainly couldn't already be remembering things. And Thor, as idiotic as he knew it was, he had strong doubts that Loki would be able to recall his memories, despite what his Father had clearly said.  
 

That thought made him uneasy.

He knew at this point that he had been denying the reality, the truth of what Loki had really become. He knew he wasn't complete evil, he proved that true when he would visit him in his cell. Even during the midst of the havoc and crisis, he could still see bits and pieces of the Loki he really  _knew_ come out.  
 

But, what if Odin was right? What if the bad was released, overpowering any other emotion he might feel, and he actually did manage kill him this time?

After so many failed attempts, he surely would conjure a successful plan and carry it out.  
 

“...You okay?” Loki said with a surprised look.   
 

Thor nodded as he peered downwards, thoughts subsiding, clearing his throat. “Quite fine.”  
 

"If you say so." Loki reached into his pocket, placing his phone down on the light-brown wooden table, awaring himself of the current time.

Eight thirty, the store in mind would be opening to the public pretty soon.  
 

“Want to head out?” Loki made notice of Thor's half finished beverage and mostly consumed bagel. "Or, are you still eating?"   
 

"I am finished." Thor said with a nod, coming to a stand. He did feel a hint of guilt for not finishing the items, however he wasn't particularly hungry.

He had lost his sense of hunger ever since Loki had been banished, stress eating at him rather. He had only suggested getting something for Loki's sake, worrying about his well-being as he always did.  
 

They ventured down the streets that were slowly coming to life, the area still quite populated but not nearly as much as it would have been during the middle of the day or night.  
 

The weather lately had been quite dreary, the chill biting at Loki's nose. He shivered, teeth lightly clattering.   
 

Guess he wasn't part Frost Giant anymore, Thor thought in a joking tone.   
  

He knew it was quite a bold move, but he'd rather risk being hit or yelled at or told to go away than watch Loki freeze. He wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder, pulling him in close to his body, Loki nearly stumbling in the suddenness of being tugged.  
 

His entire body tensed, heart beginning to race at a rapid rate, mind screaming at him to retaliate and make a run for it. 

 _You can finally get rid of him. Come on, you don't want this idiot around you.  
_  

 _Shut up,_ he challenged the thoughts.  
 

He had finally found someone he was comfortable around, why couldn't he just let himself enjoy it? Why did he have to be so mad and closed off from everyone, why could he not just take in the simple things in life, or take in life itself?   
 

He basked in the pleasure of his warmth.  
 

“This store, what clothing does it sell?” Thor questioned.   
 

“Nice kinds.”  
 

“What nice kinds?”  
 

“We're almost there, you'll see soon.”  
 

They made it across the street until they reached a brick building that was quite small in comparison to the tall, nearly massive buildings that surrounded. 

Hanging above the door was a wooden sign, swaying in the wind. On it was printed in large black text, "Thrift Shop".   
  

Loki did fancy these kind of shops, usually finding much better deals than he would anywhere else, and the clothes offered here much more interesting than anything bought in a plain department store.  
 

Thor lowered his arm from Loki to grab the silver handle, the door swinging open, a jingle reminiscent of the one played in the convenience store still seeming to amuse him.   
 

“Hello!” A woman's voice traveled through the store.   
 

Loki waved in her general direction but doubted she could see him as she was located behind the register in the far back.   
 

This store wasn't all that sizable as they ventured in, Thor observed. Yet, it was packed to the brim, racks hung above more racks chock full of clothing, all different kinds. 

Thor had never seen such a variety of options and such a vary of colors in one place before.  
 

Jackets ranging from cardigans to winter coats, pants in all the lengths imaginable, tee shirts and polos and button-up dress shirts. Bags were sat high up on wooden shelves, leathers and prints and furs. There were hats even, displayed on Styrofoam wig heads, and a section of a wall dedicated solely to shoes; boots ranging from ankle cut to thigh high, sandals with simple designs, a plethora of sneakers, they were all there.  
 

Everything was impeccably organized, signs regarding what each section contained hanging overhead.   
 

The walls were painted a light blue, he really did take note of how the colors of buildings varied everywhere he went, with framed posters of what he assumed to be fashion designers, black and white photographs of dresses, and a multitude of people who Thor did not recognize.

The store was not flooded with people nor was it empty. People of mixed genders roamed down the aisles with shopping baskets, picking out whatever they fancied.   
  

He was truly in awe. The only memory he could relate to this would be of his Mother's closets and even she did not have nearly as many clothed items as they did here.  
 

"Loki," Thor pointed at the pictures on the walls, "Who is that Goddess?"  
 

Loki examined the pictures in confusion. "Goddess? What Goddess?"  
 

"That woman."  
 

"Uh... Taylor Swift?"   
 

Thor shrugged. "I have never heard of her tales. Who is she the Goddess of?"

Yes, he really still didn't grasp how to normally speak, and was in more danger of setting off Loki's thoughts more than he could ever come to realize.  
 

"Ex-boyfriends."  
 

"I did not know they had Goddesses for that."  
 

"They have plenty."  
 

Loki yanked him by the sleeve over to the men's section. He glanced around the different metal frames, waiting for something to pop out at him, call his name.

Ah yes, there it was. A plaid shirt, in red. He pulled it from the metal racks, holding it by the tip of the hanger.   
 

“This looks like you.” He held it up to Thor. 

It was quite the man's style, and luckily, looked like it could be a perfect fit.  
 

Thor nodded his approval. “I like it.”  
 

Loki continuously participated in the search for more suiting clothing items, pulling out whatever looked interesting. A few shirts here, a pair of pants there, a jacket.

He wasn't quite sure how he was going to pay for all of this, and mentally kicked himself when the thought of paying for it himself crossed his mind, but he did feel ever-so-slightly in debt to this man.   
 

Thor wandered over to the back of the store near the dressing rooms, spotting a long wall displaying a diverse selection of accessories. He removed a pair of thick framed glasses, sliding them on his face. Nearby, he discovered beanies, and opted to try on a red one.   
 

He peered at himself in the narrow mirror. He felt as if he was looking more "Mortal"-esque, which was needed to do if he were to spend the rest of his living days there.  
 

“I found some other things you might like...” Loki trailed, realizing Thor was no longer around. He searched around until he spotted him in the back of the shop, Thor sticking out like a sore thumb. He made his way over to him, large stack of clothes in tow.   
 

Thor could see Loki drawing in near in the mirror. He spun around with a broad smile. “Is this a good look for me?”  
 

Loki sucked in his lip, feeling his body freeze.

 _Dammit, dammit, dammit,_ he screamed mentally.

He was cute,  _way_ too cute.  
 

“Y-yes, actually.” Did he really just stutter? Get a hold of yourself, Loki.   
  

He handed Thor the pile of fabric, gesturing towards the dressing rooms. Thor raised his eyebrows.  
  


“Go try those on.”   
 

Thor went into the changing area furthest to the left, managing to open the door whilst not dropping any article of clothing. Once in, he locked the latch and dropped the heap to the ground with minimal noise.  
 

He begun to unzip the leather jacket, letting it slide off his arms and fall to the ground. He pulled the very worn, tattered blue shirt over his head, the fake glasses falling from his head yet the beanie remained. He searched through the accumulation of items until he found the plaid shirt Loki had first seen.   
 

The fabric was soft underneath his coarse touch, and it really did seem like something he would wear, the color red being his favorite.

Loki did have a keen sense for fashion, as he had noted before, and he hadn't failed him. He stood there for a moment longer, fingers lingering across the fabric, studying how it felt.  
 

He undid he shirt before slipping it over his muscles, the weight of the fabric just right and in a way, comforting. He buttoned it back up steadily, pulling at the collar once it was done.   
 

He now needed a new pair of trousers and he searched until he found ones he liked the most. There were at least a dozen different kinds to pick from; capris in browns and tans, jeans in multiple shades of blue, even skinny jeans in black and dark blue.  
 

And thus, he chose the skinny jeans to match Loki, but instead in the blue and not black. The blue was very similar to the likes he wore in Asgard, and he relished that.  
 

He firstly removed his boots, unlacing the strings with ease. He traded out his previous pants, which were also in a dark tone of blue, for the new, much better, skinny jeans. 

His eyes widened as he remembered to remove the leather pouch, shoving it in the narrow pocket of his newly acquired pants. He slid his feet back into his boots afterwards.  
 

He retrieved the false frames from the floor, adjusting them on his face. He had never worn something to the likes of those before, but it seemed Loki took a liking to them, so they must look alright.   
 

Loki stood around, patiently waiting for Thor, tooling around with his phone in anticipation. He knew he would look killer, much better than he himself would ever look, but he wasn't expecting to look how he would.  
 

He peered up as he heard the door creak open, Thor stepping out, donned in his new attire. Loki felt his breath become shaky, face flushing and ears burning.   
 

God  _dammit_.  
 

“We're buying that.” Loki said quickly.   
 

“It is good?” Thor questioned, wandering over to gaze into the slender mirror. Ah, yes, he really did look like a Mortal now, he thought.  
 

Loki nodded as he forced a cough, trying to calm himself. "Yes... Very." 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

They purchased the outfit Thor had donned along with basically everything else Loki picked out, the woman at the checkout desk being quite alright with Thor wearing the clothes already, and he shells out the last of his money he had to pay for the items.

Thor begged him and pleaded against the notion of him purchasing it all, but Loki snapped and told him he needed to. Thor thanked him over and over again, Loki mentally tallying up the numbers, the amount surpassing fifty at this point.  
 

They walked down the streets, each man towing a large shopping bag in either hand. Loki pondered over where their next location would be to visit.  
 

“You ever been to an arcade?” Loki asked with a grin.  
 

Thor shook his head. “No. What is this 'arcade' you speak of?”  
  


Loki abruptly turns to cross the street, motioning his head in the general direction of a two story building. “You will love this.”

 

 

They ventured into the arcade, gazing around the entirety. The loud buzz of music played and the machines hummed, various games shouting out lines and phrases to convince the nearest by person to play.   
 

Contraptions were sprawled out all over, leaving enough space to walk around but filling up everything else. There were lines of pinball machines against the back walls, dance machines and music playing games surrounding. There were large booths with connected toy guns and stand-up consoles with joysticks attached. 

Thor had no clue where to look first.  
 

It was just all so _exciting,_ truly something he'd never seen before in all of the realms.   
  

Loki snickered as he spotted a photo booth. He latched onto Thor's arm, pulling him over in that direction.   
 

He plopped down on the small bench inside the booth, Thor squishing in beside him. They placed the bags down on the floor, out of the way.  
 

“Let's take a photo together. So we can both remember this day, yeah?" Loki removed his wallet from his jean's pocket. He had a single dollar left, the last of his money.

All of his credit cards maxed out, no dollar bills left. He still did not seem to regret his choices from the day.   
 

He inserted the bill into the slot, screen lighting up in response, displaying a variety of borders and themes to choose from.   
 

“You pick.” Loki said, looking at Thor.  
 

Thor looked at the screen, brows furrowing. He poked at the screen, picking a set of heart frames. He had no clue what he was doing, or what was actually happening.  
 

“Hearts, huh?” Loki said with a slight sneer.   
 

“Why not hearts?”   
 

Loki rolled his eyes in response. "Hey, have you ever done one of these before?"  
 

Thor shook his head.  
 

"Just look at the screen and try to not look dumb. Or do look dumb, whatever you want."  
 

The screen begun to count from three, and Loki mustered a smile, half forced and half sincere. Thor grinned widely, turning mischievous as the counter turned to one.  

Within a split second, he leaned over and pecked Loki on the cheek, the photo capturing the very moment.  
 

Loki jumped in response, pushing Thor away from him, yelping. "Gross!"   
 

Another picture had snapped, capturing Loki's quite priceless reaction, and Thor's ever growing amusement.   
 

Loki pouted with his lip out and arms crossed over his chest in disapproval. The last photo flashed, Thor pushed into Loki with an arm wrapped around him, laughing all the while.   
 

After a few passing moments with Thor recuperating from his fit of laughter, the strips of printed photos fell into a small metal slot with a low clink.   
 

Thor removed the two laminated papers, Loki resentfully glancing over. He wasn't actually upset at Thor, rather he had the urge to just lean in and smother his face in smooches. However, he highly went against that motion.  
 

“Great.” Loki snatched the second photo strip from Thor's grasp, carefully sliding it in his pocket beside his phone.   
 

“Is it not?"   
 

They picked up the white paper bags before one by one exiting the cramped booth. Thor stood still as he gazed around, eyes falling on the air hockey tables in the middle of the massive, dimly lit room. He begun to waltz over in that direction, Loki following closely behind.   
 

He hadn't been to an arcade in quite some time, it had been possibly more than a year. He had forgotten how much fun a place like this could be, how enjoyable a day out around town could be.

It was as if all of the worries about the unknown and the debilitating depression that always had a hold on him had momentarily disappeared. It was as if he hadn't tried to kill himself just a few days prior, as if his life wasn't a living Hell, as if he didn't have to worry about paying his rent...

Ah shit, he forgot about that, yet _again_.  
 

"Let us play this game, Loki!" Thor exclaimed as he raised the white plastic mallet up high in the air.  
 

Loki separated himself from the consuming thoughts.  "Why not."   
 

He peered at the side of the table, searching for the slot for the required amount of coins. He chewed at the bottom of his lip as he read the lit up orange plastic, the game requiring four quarters.   
 

He didn't want to ask Thor, he wish he could have just paid for everything, for his own damn medicine, not having to worry about money every second of the day. But, that was the reality he lived in.   
 

"Hey, uh... Do you have four quarters, possibly?" Loki asked sheepishly.   
 

Thor, without question, removed the pouch. He remembered what a quarter was, that big silver coin. He removed exactly four, placing them in Loki's palm.   
 

"Thanks."  
 

He proceeded to place the needed amount into the slot, the scoreboard lighting up and air activating.   
 

"You ready for this?" Loki grabbed hold of the other handle, removing the neon green disk from the slot on his side of the table. 

This had always been his favorite game, honestly.   
 

"Very ready." Thor grip tightened.

From what he could tell, the objective of this game was to not let the thin puck get into your goal. Simple enough, right?  
 

Loki tossed the puck across the table, as Thor begun to block its entrance. Loki frantically moved the mallet around, swearing to God he would not lose against Thor.   
 

With a single strong hit, the disk slid across the table, passing through Thor's defense, Loki gaining a point.   
 

"Not bad, huh." Loki smirked.  
 

"Oh Loki, it has not even begun." He removed the puck, tossing it aggressively against the table, sliding straight into the other man's goal.   
 

Thor grinned.  
 

"Fuck you."  
 

Loki pulled out the puck, clenching the thin object. He stared at the table for a moment, figuring out what to do before throwing it. It depends on how heavy his hand was, what angle his toss was at. He had to plan it  _just_ right. 

He launched the plastic, and watched in suspense, soon horror, as it bounced all around, shooting right back into his very own goal.  
 

"Are you kidding me."  
 

Thor guffawed, clenching his stomach. His laughter came to a halt when he heard a loud snap, Loki beginning to laugh from across the table.  
 

"Prepare yourself, Loki." Thor reached down to retrieve the disk. This was the one, he would make a perfect goal.  
 

He started off with flinging the disk causing it to have a bit too much leverage from the table, but all was well when Loki snapped it back in his direction.

Thor, with a mighty flick of the wrist, hit it much too hard and it flung off the table, traveling in the air before hitting a random patron in the back of their head.  
 

They both stared at each other, first in shock and terror, before they desperately tried to contain their giggles and chuckles.   
 

The man turned around, glaring in their direction, so they bolted from the arcade as quickly as possible. They were hunched over, bellowing, trying ever so hard to catch their breaths.   
 

"D-Did you see the look on his face!" Loki yelped.   
 

"It was most delightful!" Tears dripped down Thor's cheeks.   
 

Loki's moment of glee was interrupted as he felt a strong continuous vibration from his pocket, however it did not halt his laughter. He reached into his pocket with shaky hands, seeing a number he could not recognize on the screen of his phone.   
 

“H-Hello?” He bit down on his tongue. Thor snorted, Loki giggling in response. 

 

“Loki, this is Selvig. Where are you?”  
 

"Fuck me." He mumbled under his breath, away from the speaker, teeth gritting out of anxiety. He _completely_ forgot about _that_. What another way to add to the shitiness of reality. Couldn't he just enjoy something for once?  
 

“Yeah, we're... out right now.”  
 

“How far away are you from home?”  
 

“About half an hour.”  
 

“I'll see you in half an hour.”  
 

The call unexpectedly ended, leaving Loki with a bad taste in his mouth. 

He was actually glad he agreed to whatever he had initially agreed to, because spending any more time in that prison would literally make him go insane. However, he did not want to deal with any more doctors. He didn't want to deal with  _anything_.  
 

“So, that was Dr. Selvig.”  
 

“Selvig?”  
 

Loki nodded, fidgeting with his phone. "We need to go home. Er,  _my_ home.”

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

The two of them walked side by side up the narrow stairs, laughing gleefully.   
 

"His face, really, was great."   
 

"It honestly was. I wish to see it again."  
 

"Me too."  
 

As they turned the corner to proceed down the hall his door resided on, Dr. Selvig came into view, his face stern. 

Beside him stood a much shorter woman whose hair was nearly as dark as Loki's and fell past her waist. She wore a pristine green dress, tailored and business-y looking. Her expression matched Selvig's, her face plastered with a frown and disappointment.   
 

“You need to take this more seriously, Loki. Not everyone gets a second chance like this, and I'm not just talking about being out of the hospital."  
 

“I am taking it seriously.” He swiftly pulled out his keys to unlock the door, the both of them setting their shopping bags down on the bathroom floor.

Dr. Selvig and the quite mysterious young woman followed close behind, closing the door.    
 

“My sincerest apologies, Selvig. Loki was showing me around the area. This is my fault.”  
 

Loki ventured into the kitchen, turning on the stove. He ran a kettle under the sink, placing it on top of a burner. “Didn't know you would show up so early, anyways.”  
 

“You're supposed to be resting, Loki. Not running around town. Your body is still in the process of recovering.”  
 

“Who said I had to stay cooped up here? It's boring.” He leaned his back against the counter, arms crossing firmly against his chest.  
 

Thor sat down on the sofa, he felt quite uncomfortable, as if he made the doctor mad at Loki. And God forbid he attempt to take him away from him, again.  
 

“You need rest. I'm not going to argue this with you.” Dr. Selvig glanced at the woman next to him as they both stood in the middle of the room awkwardly. “Loki, this is Leah. She will be your therapist.”  
 

The woman who had been ignored up to this point cleared her throat, running a hand over her dress before flipping open the flap on her satchel. She removed a notepad, pen clipped to the side.   
 

Loki silently searched for a mug, removing the kettle to empty the extremely hot water. Without much thought, he removed a tea bag from its cardboard housing, dunking it into the fluids, swishing it around.   
 

“Loki.” The woman glanced at him before gesturing with her hand to his bedroom. “If you don't mind, I'd like to start. And I believe Dr. Selvig would like to speak with Thor.”  
 

"No one goes in my bedroom."   
 

"Please, just this once? I'm not sure where else you'd suggest we meet."  
 

"Why can we not talk out here?"  
 

"I would not like to disturb Thor and Dr. Selvig's meeting, and it would allow for more privacy."  
  

Loki rolled his eyes with a huff, grasping onto the mug. "Fine." They went into his room, door shutting hard behind.   
  


Selvig looked at Thor, who sat there nervously, hands fidgeting with the cuffs on his sleeves. 

He drew in closer to Thor, clearing his throat. Thor looked up at him, expression blank.   
 

“How was last night?”  
 

“Last night?” He echoed. “Oh.”  
 

He tried to recall the previous night's events. 

Let's see. Loki got peeved at him, Thor crossed far too many boundaries, Loki told him to get out, then they both proceeded to cry. Not the best night in all of his memories.   
 

“I had tried to take away sharp objects, son of Selvig, as was instructed. However, Loki was furious, and I... passed a line I should not have. ”  
 

“It was good of you for trying to limit the hazards in the house. What was this line you passed?”  
 

"I do not want to speak of it. However, we are in amends now."   
 

“Would you say last night was overall fine?" Selvig flipped through multiple pieces of papers he had in hand, marking down notes with his black pen.   
 

“Yes. Loki did not try to do any harm. Today, he smiled.”  
 

Selvig nodded. “That's good to hear.”

 

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How are you today, Loki?"

Leah tried to make herself comfortable on Loki's futon, wiggling around until she was slightly pleased. She looked at him, notebook in hand.  
 

Loki scoffed. What a typical thing for a _therapist_ to say, he thought.  

“Fine.” He replied, short and dull. He sipped on his tea, placing it aside on the floor.   
 

Loki was quite uncomfortable with this whole situation, all these doctors and psychiatrist and people. But, being in his room, the one place he could cry alone and feel even remotely safe, made it a hundred times worse.    
 

"Dr. Selvig said they put you on some medication while being in the hospital. Have you been taking it as prescribed?"   
 

"Shit..." He had actually forgotten about that, the thought of taking a medication every night was a concept so foreign to him. "No."  
 

She nodded. "Please do not forget to take it."   
 

He nodded in response.   
 

“That man, Thor was it? Is he a good friend of yours?”  
 

Loki assessed what he could do. He could either be truthful, admit he had only met this man a few days ago, barely knew a thing about him.

Or, go with the whole  _boyfriend_ facade to get them off his back.  
 

Honestly, he was never one known for  _truth_.

Yet, the sly-mouthed silver tongued trickster went against the notion of lying.   
 

“We just met a few days ago.”  
 

“Oh.” She noted that down. “You two seem very close.”  
 

“He's nice."   
 

The moment passed and the air grew more tense. She sensed he did not want to speak about him any further, so she changed the subject onto something far worse.  
 

"Would you like to talk about what happened? What sent you to the hospital?"   
 

He quickly shook his head, peering downwards. “No.”  
 

She nodded. “I understand. We just met, this must be very nerve wracking for you. I didn't expect you to share all of your personal thoughts and feelings with me. But, you can trust me, Loki, just know that.” She said with a warm smile.  
 

“I can't trust anyone.” Loki focused on a poster.   
 

“You trust Thor, don't you?”  
 

He bit his bottom lip. “...Yes.”  
 

“And you trust Dr. Selvig?”  
 

“As much as I can trust a doctor.”  
 

“See! You can trust some people.”  
 

“Barely.” He mumbled.  
 

Leah pulled her phone out of her bag, checking the time briefly. She closed her notepad, tucking it back into the leather satchel. She stood up, once more adjusting her dress.   
 

“Thank you for letting me talk to you, Loki. I'll see you again tomorrow, okay?”  
 

“Fine.”  
 

Leah opened the door to his room, stepping back into the living room, leaving the door behind her open. She glanced at Thor then over to Selvig.   
 

“We will be back to see him tomorrow. Please make sure you stay home in the morning.”

They started to walk towards the front door, until Leah paused, remembering something.  
 

“Oh! Thor.”  
 

“Hmm?” He hummed out.   
 

“Loki mentioned he forgot to take his medication last night. Please remind him to do so tonight. That's a really important one.”  
 

Thor nodded. “I shall.”  
 

With that, they removed themselves from his apartment and slowly closed the door.   
 

Thor stood from the couch, wandering over to Loki's room, standing in the doorway. Loki still sat on his mattress, knees against his chest.  
 

“Are you alright, Loki?”  
 

“Just fine.”  
 

“Do you need anything?”  
 

He shook his head, sighing. “No. I'm good.”  
 

“Are you sure?”  
 

“Yes, Thor, I'm sure.”  
 

Loki tugged a blanket around his shoulders, once again mimicking the look of a cape. He pushed himself to a stand and walked past Thor, venturing into the bathroom. He begun to pick up the multiple amounts of bags that littered the floor.   
 

“Remember how I said you could stay only one day here?”  
 

Thor nodded. “I remember.”  
 

“Well, I still mean it.”  
 

“But, Loki-”  
 

“But, nothing. I was nice enough to let you stay in my house for a night. Go find your own damn place now.”  
 

Thor looked at him in utter shock.

His mood had changed drastically, at the flip of a switch. They had just been laughing, enjoying each other, walking arm in arm, and Loki was _happy,_ or had at least convinced Thor that he was. And now, irritated and bitter, set on isolation.   
 

“Loki, please...”  
 

“You can stay until dinner. Then, we can go find you a... whatever. But, I swear to God, Thor...” He looked him dead in the eyes. “After this week, you better leave me the fuck alone.”  
 

“What have I done? Why must you be so irritated with me?”  
 

“I... Because...” Loki shut his eyes, head shaking. “You wouldn't understand.”  
 

“I bet I would.”  
 

“It's because you... Things about you, about me...about us... confuse me. A lot.”  
 

"About us?"  
 

Loki huffed out a breath. “Just... It doesn't matter. You wouldn't get it.”  
 

Loki returned back to his room, door slamming shut. 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor tried his hand at preparing dinner again, soup from a can and burnt grilled cheese a la mode.

Thor, plate and bowl in hand, knocked on the wooden door. “Loki, I prepared supper.”  
 

No response.  
 

He knocked again. “Loki?”  
 

He turned the doorknob, his room not being locked, surprisingly.

Loki was sat on the middle of his mattress, staring at the photo they took earlier that day, earbuds in. He noticed the sliver of light shining through and peered up, jumping in response when he noticed Thor, yanking the buds out of his ears. The picture flew from his grasp, traveling and landing on the middle of the floor.   
 

“I prepared supper.” Thor reiterated, proceeding as if he had seen nothing. He handed the plate to Loki, leaving him in his room.  
 

Loki looked down, the meal not the most appetizing appearance, however considering the fact he had hardly eaten that day, anything was good at that point.

  

It was quite possibly an hour later before he crept from his chambers, plate and bowl in hand. He placed them in the sink, and before turning to leave, a piece of ripped paper that had been taped to the fridge caught his eye.   
 

In messy handwriting read,

 

' _Loki,_

_Remember to take the healing medicine_

_,_

_Thor'_

 

 

He knew he was smiling, he couldn't help it. He searched around for the white paper bag, the medicine bottle had never even been removed yet. He uncapped the orange bottle, removing a single pill, swallowing it without the need of any liquids. He would have forgotten otherwise, so he was thankful of the reminder.   
  


Thor was passed out on the couch, glasses lain on the floor yet beanie still remained on his head.  
 

He was still set on him going, determined to get him to leave. But, there was  _no_ way he could kick him out now, right?

It would just be inhumane.   
 

He sighed.  
 

He made his way over to Thor, peering down at him as he turned in his sleep, muttering something.   
 

“Goodnight.” 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

Thor stirred from his slumber to the faint noise of a knock on the wall. He groggily glanced around, the room almost a pure black, little light shining in through the windows. Yet, he could hear Loki shift and sit down on the ground, crossing his legs.   
 

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, his tone of voice laced with concern.   
 

Loki nodded. “Yes. It's just...”

He jumped as a bolt of lightening struck, the aftermath of the noise it made, cracking, caused his body to tremble.   
 

Thor chuckled, not demeaning or directly at him, but out of love. He outstretched his arm, reaching to find Loki's shoulder, patting him gently.

“There is no need to be afraid.”  
 

“I know... I know it's stupid. It's just... It scares me. Always has.” He pushed his head into the side of the sofa, shuddering.   
 

“I will protect you. Do not worry."  
 

Following close behind, thunder boomed and nearly shook the whole apartment. “Thunder has always calmed me though. Weird how that works, huh.”  
 

Thor yawned, his fingers traveling to find the top of Loki's head, running through his hair. “Thunder would _never_ hurt you.”  
 

“I know it wouldn't.” Loki glanced up, sucking in his lip.  “Move over.”  
 

Thor lowered his arm, looking around. "There is not much more room."   
 

"Oh well, then." Loki laid next to Thor, and there really was no more room. 

This couch was not meant for two people, it could hardly fit one person, yet he did not want to move. He just wanted to stay there with him, to just listen to his heart beat and focus on the  _two of them_.   
 

He pressed his head into his chest, a sense of tranquility washing over him. 

But, yet another loud bolt of lightning struck and crackled throughout the sky, and Loki jumped in surprise.   
  


Thor carefully nudged Loki closer, muscular arms closing in around him. “I have got you.”  
 

“I know...” Loki closed his eyes.  
 

"Does this mean I do not have to leave?"  
 

Loki snorted. "Why do you have to always ruin the moment?" 

 

 

 

 


	6. The Simple Things in Life Are the Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He shuffled up to Thor, hands tightly gripping onto his shirt's collar, pulling himself in as close to the other man as humanly possible. His hands trembled with fear of the unknown and doubt and uncertainty. He knew he couldn't keep running away from his emotions, the one clear feeling that indicated he madly enjoyed Thor. The thoughts that he wanted to be with him, just wanted to hold him and never let him go. He had to stop ignoring the things he wanted most in life, that main thing he desired being Thor.
> 
> His affection, intimacy, the feeling of his warm skin.
> 
> He gazed into his baby blue eyes, a cold shiver running throughout him as he hesitated, quite a bit too long he assumed. 
> 
> Thor met his glance with an expression of being puzzled, merely from the fact that he wasn't proceeding on with whatever he wanted to do. But, that look slowly transformed into something else, something Loki couldn't quite crack.
> 
> "I just want to kiss you... so bad..." He let himself say in a near whisper.
> 
> "Why are you not?" Thor questioned. 
> 
> "...I'm scared." 
> 
> "I will do it then." Thor said before leaning in, their lips connecting, noses gently brushing together.

 

The air was heavy, the dark thick smoke of burning buildings stale in the air. The wind blew with a strong bite, green cape fluttering with each gust and sway.   
  


“ _BURN!_ ”

Loki cackled with a strong overbearing layer of insanity, the mound of dead corpses once belonging to Mortals, now rotting in agony, surrounded him. He clenched the length of his sceptre, the blue tip radiating, pulsing, with energy.  
 

“ _YOU ALL DESERVE TO BURN!”  
_  

The buildings behind him begun to crumble as they sat ablaze. Dust clouds stirred in the poisonous air as rubble and debris flew in all directions, the houses collapsing under their weak support beams.   
 

Loki's head snapped to the side as he stood staring at the still _alive_ mortals, unsatisfied.  
 

“ _Kneel_.” He demanded.  
 

The lot shook their heads as their bodies trembled in pure fear, shook in anticipation of the worst, cried in terror, coughed from the chaotic environment.   
 

“ _I said..."_ He positioned his sceptre directly at the crowd, bellowing, " _ **KNEEL**_.”

They begun to get on their knees, hands behind heads in defeat.  
 

Except for _one_.  
 

One foolish man stayed standing, an elder.   
 

“I do not bow to men like you.”  
 

Loki proceeded to march down from his mountain of death, bodies toppling as he took heavy steps on the carcasses of what he deemed _useless beings_. Bones shattered under his boots, the sounds of skulls breaking agonizing, yet pure pleasure to Loki's ears.    
 

“ _Oh, trust me, there are no other men like me_.”  
 

The thick silver of his blade scraped against the thin skin of the man's neck, a slender yet clean line of blood trickling down the tip, dripping onto the pavement.   
 

“There are _always_ men like you.” He gurgled on his words, spitting at Loki, the blood hitting his pale face.  
 

He wiped the back of his palm against his face, looking at the blood in disgust. The blade dug further, deeper, into his flesh, the color changing from red to nearly black.  
 

“Brother.” Thor's voice echoed as he approached, landing abruptly on the ground, hammer still being swung in hand.  
  


“That is **enough**.” Thor boomed, like _thunder_.  
 

“ _Do you honestly believe you can stop me?_ ” Loki grimaced deviously. He looked at Thor with such a look of hate, pure  _madness_ clouding those green eyes.   
 

“Brother, please. It does not have to be like this.” Thor dropped his hammer, metal clunking, adding to the congestion of pollution in the air. Thor outstretched his arm, palm open.  
 

“You can come _home_.”  
 

“ _Home?_ ” He snickered, shaking his head. “ _I have **no** home.  
_  

Before his very eyes, before he could grasp the concept of what was happening, everything went _pitch black_.

The buildings faded, the corpses disappeared into thin air, everything was gone. It was just him, and Thor. Like they were the only two in the world.  
 

The only two that mattered.   
  


But Thor, he had changed instantaneously .

He wore a look of disgust, disappointment, utter hate, on his face. He swung Mjölnir furiously, small sparks of lightning shooting from the thick of the head.  
 

“Do not test me, brother.”  
 

“ _Brother, brother._ ” Loki mocked. He once again raised his sceptre, light shining and glistening, reflecting off the silver of Thor's armor. “ _Why do you still bother me with that **petty** sentiment?_ ”  
  


“One more word out of that foolish mouth of yours, and-”  
 

Thor's body vanished, his voice a mere echo.  
 

Loki was left to stand there, alone, with no one but darkness as his company.

He remained still, grip on his weapon tightening, completely overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the _same damn_ _time.  
_  

“... _Thor?_ ”  
 

He called out into the nothingness, reaching around, seeing if there was _anything_ to touch, to grab, to grasp.  
 

He swished his hand to and fro, frantically searching, seeking, the darkness driving into an even further  _madness_.  
 

“ _Thor!_ ” He screamed, his voice echoing, mockingly. 

 

 

 

Loki awoke up in a cold panicky sweat, his head still pressed into Thor's chest. His breath was ragged, uneven, fast.   
 

“What the hell was that...” He said to himself in a mere whisper, shaking his head, trying to rid of the dream from his memory.  
 

“Mm... Loki?” Thor stirred awake, his voice sleepy. He rubbed at his eyes, yawning. “Are you alright?”  
 

“...Yes. I'm fine.” Loki lied, steadily sitting up. He ran his hands across his smooth skin in distress, face warm. “Was just a bad dream.”  
 

“A bad dream? Of what?”  
 

Loki shrugged, his mind hazy. The dream had been so vivid, so vibrant yet it was becoming nothing but faint pictures. “I don't know. But, you were there, again.”  
 

“Was I?” Thor rolled over, his back facing Loki. His eyes closed slowly, sleep re-inviting him.  
 

“Yeah.” He sighed.  
 

Rain plopped against the windows, trickling down, pooling near the metal frames. Lightning illuminated the room, bright but now silent, no longer as nerve wracking to Loki. The storm still went on heavy into the night, no sign of its defeat.   
 

Loki observed Thor, eyes scanning down his body.  
 

He remembered the faces he made in the dream, the looks of disgust and hatred in his expression, in his eyes. It sent chills down his spine.  
 

Loki pushed himself up from the couch, carefully, as to not wake Thor. He walked across to the front door, floor cold underneath his toes.

He opened the door, the chill of the night, wet, however in a way, soothing on his face. He let the door shut behind him as silently as possible.  
  

Loki paced down the hallway, the cement of the floor rough and hard against his bare feet. The gleam of the moon shun down on him, nearly reflecting off his fair skin.  
 

Sometimes when he couldn't sleep, or he needed a break, he would come outside to roam around. He took in a deep breath, listening to the sound of loose leaves scattering in the wind, the sound of the rain trickling down the gutters.  
 

He pushed his back against a bumpy wall, standing for a moment, staring off into the distance before tiredly sliding down. He sat with his legs crossed, arms by his sides.

He hummed a melody, drifting off into a chilled nap. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

_Loki_

 

…

 

 

_**Loki** _

 

 

…

 

 

_**Loki!** _

 

 

...

 

 

 

His tired eyes fluttered open, squinting, the sun shining much too bright on him. A dark figure was squat in front of him, hand on his shoulder, shaking him.

His vision begun to adjust to the light, the dark figure starting to look more like...  
 

“Loki!” Thor called out for the hundredth time.  
 

Loki cocked his head, body cold, numb almost. He opened his mouth to speak, throat dry, voice hoarse. “Y...yeah?”  
 

“For Bor's sake... I thought you had run away.” He pulled Loki up.  
 

Loki leaned against the wall, desperately pawing around for something to grab onto, the world feeling as if it were spinning at a rapid speed. “I didn't mean to fall asleep out here... Woops.”  
 

“Do not do that again, Loki. I was worried. I had not an idea where you would have gone.”  
  


Loki lowered his gaze, focusing on the ground, discolored with dark spots from drops of rain. He felt a strong guilt. “...Sorry.”  
 

“It is alright. Just, please, do not do that again.” Thor sighed a breath of relief.  
  


_Was he actually worried about me?_ , thought Loki. He couldn't grasp that concept. Why would anyone be worried, or even care, about him? He didn't understand.  
 

“Dr. Selvig and Leah are here.” He added.  
 

“Oh, _great_.” Loki begun to walk back to his apartment, but his legs felt like noodles, and he stumbled. Thor hurriedly ran to his side to assist but Loki pushed him away, not wanting any help.   
 

"I can do it my damn self." He grunted before tripping over his own feet, falling on his knees.   
 

"Loki..." Thor, with no hesitation, scooped his arms under Loki's slender body and picked him up, holding him tightly.   
 

"I don't need you constantly treating me like a child..." Loki huffed.  
 

"It is alright to accept help. I do not try to pamper you."   
 

"Well, you do."  
 

Thor brought Loki to the door, carefully setting him upright, opening the door. Erik and Leah sat together on the short couch, the younger woman's face lighting up with glee when she saw him.  
 

“Oh, Loki, we were all worried. We had no idea where you had gone to, we almost called the police.”  
 

“Just took an outdoor nap. Not _that_ big of a deal, seriously."   
 

Leah stood, adjusting the strap of her satchel. "It is a big deal. We didn't know if you ran away and tried to hurt yourself."   
 

"Whatever."  
 

Leah looked at Erik then over at Thor who stood in the kitchen. "Normally it would just be me, but because this was more urgent, may we please meet in your room again?"  
 

Loki angrily rolled his eyes. "Jesus, fine."   
 

They both disappeared into his room, door coming to a slam. Leah settled on the sinking mattress as Loki decided to stand, swaying back and forth on his heels.   
 

She removed her notepad and pen, twirling the writing utensil in her hand. “How are you feeling today, Loki?”  
 

“This shit again? Fine, I'm feeling fine."   
 

“I brought a game for us to play today.” Leah reached back into her satchel as he sat down the book, removing a small purple box. She took the lid off exposing a vast amount of cards. “It's a question game. You answer what is on the card, or, you can ask the other player the question.”  
 

"I don't want to play."  
 

“It's a fun way to get to know each other a little better. I won't force you, but it could be helpful.”  
 

He peered down at the box. "I really do not want to."  
 

"Then," she placed the lid back on top, "what do you suppose we do? Would you like to talk?"  
 

"No."  
 

"It's better to make the best of this rather than sit around and stare at each other, Loki." She said, not giving in to defeat.   
 

Loki blew out a puff of air, sitting down on the futon as far away from the dark haired woman as possible. He removed the cover from the box, glaring at the cards.   
 

"Would you like to go first?" She said with a smile.   
 

Without saying much, Loki reached for a card, reading mentally what it said first before deciding to repeat it out loud. “Name two things you consider yourself good at.”  
 

Loki shrugged. "Nothing."  
 

"Think harder. There is something."  
 

Loki mischievously sneered. "Cutting."   
 

Leah wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. If he did consider himself good at that, she did not want to deny it. However, she did want to keep him more on the positive side of things, as well as she could.

"Maybe something a bit more healthy?"   
 

"It is healthy. I get to relieve my stress and see myself bleed, it's great."  
 

"Are you feeling like doing that right now?" She started to become concerned.   
 

"I always feel like doing  _that_."   
 

She glanced over at the door, wrapping her hand around the bag's strap. "Are you a danger to yourself right now?"  
 

Loki knew where this was heading, so he decided to lay off the act. Yeah, he always wanted to hurt himself. There wasn't a moment where he could look at himself and go, 'Hey, I actually feel fine today and I don't hate you'. He just couldn't do that. But, despite feeling that way, he wasn't going to allow himself to get locked up. Not this time.  
 

"No. I'm not planning on doing anything, today."   
 

"Can you promise me that?"  
 

Loki nodded, fingers crossing. "I can promise you that."  
 

"If you start to feel like you are in a crisis, what will you do?"   
 

He pondered. Usually, he did nothing, just let it consume him. However, if he really did feel like he was going to be in a dangerous situation, he figured he could tell someone.

Do _something_.  
 

"I'll tell Thor, and if we need to, he can call Dr. Selvig."  
 

She nodded in agreement to that plan. "That sounds good. Can I tell Thor about this as well?"  
  


Loki agreed with a nod. He'd rather she didn't, but he  _did_ say those stupid things.

Why did he have to pretend to be so tough when in actuality he was just a scared, weak individual screaming for compassion?   
 

"Now," she begun to redirect him, "do you have any hobbies?"   
 

"Painting. But, I wouldn't consider myself good at it."  
 

"What do others say about your paintings?"  
 

Loki shook his head. "They don't. I don't like showing people despite wanting to become an artist."  
 

“I'd love to see a painting of yours sometime. I've always admired those with artistic abilities.”  
 

"What makes you think I'd show you?"  
 

She shrugged. "You don't have to show me, I am just curious."  
 

"Yeah, whatever." Loki peered out the window. He wasn't quite sure why he was being so hostile, maybe because he despised this woman more than he did Thor.  
 

"My turn now." She kept an optimistic attitude as she pulled a card from the deck.  
 

“Do you have any phobias?” She read, nodding. “I can not _stand_ spiders.”  
 

“That I can relate to.” Loki peered back, hesitating to continue playing this idiotic game. However, he removed a thin rectangular card. “Who is the most important person in your life?”  
 

This actually seemed to have struck some emotion within him, and he choked on his words. “I... don't know how to answer that one.”  
  


Leah pulled out her phone, checking the time. “That's alright, Loki. You don't have to.”  
 

She begun to put the cards back into its container, sealing them up tight. “I'm sorry today's session is much shorter. We can play more of this tomorrow if you'd like?"  
 

“Um, actually...”  
 

She stood up, placing her notepad back into her bag, still holding onto the game box. “Yes, Loki?”  
 

“Could I... borrow that game from you?”  
 

She placed the box next to him on the bed, smiling. “Of course.”  
 

She turned to leave his room. “I'll see you tomorrow, Loki.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Loki crept out of his room in a new set of clothes. He wore a band tee, sleeves cut off and holes ripped purposely in various locations, paired with his favorite pleather vest and a pair of dark green skinny jeans topped with a knock off pair of Doc Martin boots.   
 

“Pssst!” Loki attempted to gain Thor's attention who was sprawled across the couch, one of Loki's books in hand. His mood had begun to improve, he didn't feel quite as aggressive as before, but he knew he could snap within an instance. Never quite sure what would cause him to crash into a spiraling depression or blinding rage or even smothering affection.   
 

Thor glanced up, arching his eyebrows.  “You look rather nice.”  
 

“I thought that maybe, just _maybe_ , we could go outside, get some fresh air. Go sightseeing.” Loki rationed, despite the pleas of Erik.

Fuck what anyone else said, he would do what he wanted, when he wanted.   
 

“Sightseeing? Seeing sight of what?”  
 

Loki leaned on the arm of the couch, shrugging. “Anywhere you'd want to see.”  
 

“Hmmm...” Thor scratched his chin, stroking his fingers through the subtle stubble.

He begun to recall what was listed on that map he had gotten when he first came to Midgard, remembering the enormous buildings that seemed to disappear into the clouds that he would notice everyday, shops and stores not yet explored. “I wish to see–”  
 

“ **Loki!** ” The voice of an angry, _livid_ man screamed from outside. He pounded on the door with enough force that Loki worried the wood would shatter and splinter.  
 

Loki scurried over nervously, noticing the yellow paper still residing on the floor, shushed off to the side. 

 _Fuck, fuck fuck_.   
 

He timidly opened the door, the tall enraged dark man scowling. He was terrified of this man, his landlord. He had never once paid him on time, if at all. It wasn't that he tried not to, he wished so greatly that he could afford the expenses, but he just could not.  
 

Thor became aware of the situation as he drew in closer, hovering behind Loki.  
 

Loki took in a deep breath through his nostrils, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I –”  
 

“I've given you ease on paying, month after month. We made a deal. Payment was due _yesterday._ ” The man crossed his arms, foot tapping impatiently.  
 

“Yes, but you see –”  
 

“What I don't see is the payment.”  
 

Thor peered at the furious man, their eyes level. He had leather pouch in hand. “How much is needed for this payment?”  
 

“He owes me about five thousand dollars now.”  
 

Loki's eyes widened, brows furrowing. “You said I had to only pay two thousand!”  
 

“Now you have to pay the full amount. Surprise.”  
 

Loki gripped the doorknob, slamming the door shut. But the man's foot was in the way, preventing the door from coming to a full close.

“Don't you _ever_ do that again.” He warned.  
 

“I'm not paying you five thousand dollars. If you want five thousand dollars, go fucking mug someone.” Loki spat.  
 

“First you refuse to pay, then you slam the door on me, and now you're being racist?”  
 

“At least I'm not being a moronic _thief_.”  
 

Thor handed the man a wad of cash, counting out the exact amount of green papers. “Is it all good now?”  
 

The man flipped through each bill, holding them up to the sun, nodding his approval.

“It's good.” He moved his foot from the door. "You better pay me on time next month or your ass is  _out_ of here."   
 

Loki closed the door with force, spinning around, nose crinkling at Thor. “Stop fucking paying for me all the time.”  
 

Thor closed the leather pouch back up, the fabric laying flat. He slid it back into his pocket with ease. “Loki, I am trying to help.”  
 

“But you're not!” He yelled, shoving his way past him. “You're always just making things more complicated!”  
 

“More complicated?” Thor questioned.  
 

“Yes! Before you came along, my life was just... How I _needed_ it to be. And now you're here, and you're paying for everything and _protecting_ me and confusing my mind. I just...” Loki breathed, massaging his temples. “You're just making everything so confusing. I don't know wither I hate you or enjoy you or like you or...”

He stopped dead in his tracks, shaking his head. “I need to take a walk.”  
 

He opened the door, walking into the outside world, sun gleaming snug on his face. He proceeded down the halls, his boots squeaking against the pavement, footsteps echoing.  
 

“Loki, wait.” Thor caught up to him, blocking his path. “Why is everything so confusing? Why is _me_ helping _you_ so hard?”  
 

“Just drop it, Thor.”  
 

He frowned. “I am not dropping it.”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes, huffing. “See, now I'm annoyed with you. It's like, you create all these jumbled emotions in my head, and I can't figure out how I ever feel about you.”  
 

“Do you hate me?” He asked, hoping in his mind that the answer would be no.  
 

“Of course I don't.”  
 

“Then, why do you act as if you do?”  
 

“Because I...” Loki's voice grew soft, almost silent. “Because I like you. And that's terrifying to me.”  
 

“Why?”  
 

“Why the hell do you ask so many questions?” Loki shrieked as he turned around, deciding to pace down the other side of the corridors.  
 

“Loki, please.” Thor gripped onto his shoulder. “Why is it terrifying?”  
 

Loki glanced downwards. “... Because. We just met, and it was because I was trying to _kill_ myself and now you're here, and you're trying to help, and for once I actually feel _happy_ and like I want to _live_. And it's just so damn confusing to me and strange, and I don't understand any of it.”  
 

"Must you need understand it?"  
 

"Yes!" Loki yelped.   
 

"Why? Why must there be a set reason?"  
 

Loki dug his nails into his scalp, pulling at his roots. "I don't fucking know! I just..."  
 

He shuffled up to Thor, hands tightly gripping onto his shirt's collar, pulling himself in as close to the other man as humanly possible. His hands trembled with fear of the unknown and doubt and uncertainty. He knew he couldn't keep running away from his emotions, the one clear feeling that indicated he madly enjoyed Thor. The thoughts that he wanted to be with him, just wanted to hold him and never let him go. He had to stop ignoring the things he wanted most in life, that main thing he desired being Thor.

His affection, intimacy, the feeling of his warm skin.  
 

He gazed into his baby blue eyes, a cold shiver running throughout him as he hesitated, quite a bit too long he assumed. 

Thor met his glance with an expression of being puzzled, merely from the fact that he wasn't proceeding on with whatever he wanted to do. But, that look slowly transformed into something else, something Loki couldn't quite crack.  
 

"I just want to kiss you... so bad..." He let himself say in a near whisper.  
 

"Why are you not?" Thor questioned.   
 

"...I'm scared."   
 

"I will do it then." Thor said before leaning in, their lips connecting, noses gently brushing together.   
 

Loki thought he was going to melt right then and there, as if his legs would just give out. The warmth radiating from his mouth, the taste of his lips, not a particular flavor but just quite refreshing, the feelings that this man caused him to have.    
 

But then, his mind started to drift away and devilishly taunt him.

  

_You're such a piece of shit. Falling for any guy you see._

 

_Faggot._

  

_Should have killed yourself a long time ago._

 

 _"_ I..." Loki hastily pulled away, much against his will, the thoughts becoming too overwhelming, running around in a race that none could win. 

Really, why could he not just enjoy a nice moment with this guy? Every time Thor showed him affection, every time Loki thought about him with good spirits, these damned thoughts showed their faces.  
  


 "I can't..."  
 

"Did I do something wrong?" Thor asked worriedly.   
 

"No, it's not at all you, it's..."  
 

"What is it, Loki? Please tell me."  
 

"God dammit." His lip quivered as he felt tears building. 

 

_You know what you need to do now._

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

Loki stood in his room, hands on his dresser, nails gripping into the scratched wood, staring at himself in the mirror. A small razor blade laid in front of him on the flat top of the drawer. He gazed into the rusty silver as if it would speak back to him, answer all of his thoughts and questions and fears.  
 

He hastily shoved up his sleeve, picking up the razor, holding it between two fingers. He held it for a moment longer. observing all of its angles and views.  
 

"Do I really want to..."   
 

He lowered the blade at a snails pace to his arm, the metal pressing into his pale uneven skin. He held it in place, biting into his flesh.   
 

He was so damn confused, he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know how he felt about Thor anymore, he didn't know if he was glad or enraged that he payed for his rent, he wasn't sure why he couldn't just do something like kiss him and, he didn't know why he was standing there, close to cutting himself, stuck in this same shitty mindset he had experienced time and time again.  
 

Thor knocked on his bedroom door as it creaked open to both their horrors.

Loki turned to him in a panic, frozen in his position, and all he could do in that moment was stare.  
 

 _Why did I not lock that?  
_  

Thor leaped into action, ripping the razor from his grasp, clenching it in his palm. 

He felt saddened. Like he had failed him, for Loki to be standing there, coming so close to mutilating himself yet again.  
 

They could have spoken, done an activity together, he could have done so many things to prevent this. 

Was this all because of that kiss? Should he have not done that?   
 

He should have noticed something was off, that something wasn't quite right when he proceeded to stand there, near crying.

He truly was an idiot, as Loki had called him time and time again.  
 

“Please do not do this, Loki. Why do you feel the need to do this?"  
  


“Quite frankly, I have no idea how I feel, Thor.”    
 

"What Leah informed me, if you were to feel endangered, we were to speak. Why did you not come to me?"  
  


"I don't know!" Loki yelled, voice trembling. Tears stung at the corners of his eyes.  
 

Thor spread his fingers, his fist unballing, viewing the weapon.  “Do you have more of these?”  
 

Loki nodded, the embarrassment setting in. “A lot more.”  
 

“May I have them?”  
 

Loki closed his eyes. He could give him all of his tools, attempt to finally make that recovery he desired, improve his life.

Or, be stuck in the Hell he was comfortable with, use to. The life he felt he deserved to live.  
 

 _I could still go out and buy new ones anyways_ , Loki thought.  
 

He dithered, hand wavering over the brass handle of the top drawer in his dresser.

With much delay, thoughts racing through his mind in constant loops, screaming at him to do otherwise, run away, push, scream, anything , he removed a large medical bag, unzipping it. The bag was full of first-aid things; bandages varying in size, antibacterial sprays and packaged wipes, brown stretch gauze and clear tape, Steri-Strips...

Thor's heart dropped as he saw a needle at the bottom, thick thread laced in between its eye.

Loki pulled out a small bag, the black coloring faded, setting it aside.  
 

He handed the little black bag to Thor, biting on his lip. He was nervous, but in a strange sense, he felt relief.   
  

He never could have done this before despite how much he wanted to be free from the pain and hurt.  
 

He hated the scars he wore, he resented what his body had become.  
 

If he could have stopped this when it had started, prevented himself from making that initial scratch, he assumed he'd be at least a bit better off.

This disease consumed him and became an addiction, destroying him from the inside out.  
 

But, he wanted to be free, finally, forever.  
 

“Here.”  
 

Thor took the case, opening it to reveal its horrid contents.  
 

Razors; long, short, small, large, pristine, rusted, broken. 

Broken off blades of scissors.

Safety pins, bent straight.

Bobby pins, protective plastic pieces scratched off.

Shattered remnants of mirrors.

Pretty much anything sharp that Loki could get his hands on went in there.  
 

“Loki...” Thor choked back on his tears.   
  

“I know, it's pathetic.” He put the larger bag back into the drawer, closing it tight.   
 

“This is all of them?”  
   
Loki nodded. “They're all there.”  
 

Thor smiled to the best of his abilities. 

“Thank you Loki. It truly makes me happy knowing you trust me.”  
 

"Yeah..." A tear loosely escaped down Loki's cheek.  
 

Thor knew this was all his fault. If only he had come sooner, if only he had not cast him aside, if only he had not been a total dickhead to Loki when they were younger.

He was the reason for all of Loki's problems.  
 

And, he be damned if he couldn't figure out how to solve each and every one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

“So, how is it that you play this?” Thor removed a card, looking at it with confusion. He set down his bowl of pasta and bread on the coffee table.  
 

Loki took a bite of the bread. “You pick a card and either answer the question, or ask the other person.”  
 

Thor nodded, setting the example down. “I see.”  
 

Loki took his empty bowl to the kitchen, setting it in the sink. He walked back, settling back down on the sofa, getting comfortable. “It'll be fun. I'll go first.”  
 

He pulled a card from the container, raising his eyebrows in response.  
 

“Can you fake any accents?” He read, thinking momentarily. “ 'Ay mate, put the shrimp on the barbie.”  
  


Thor laughed, not quite sure what he was doing, but nonetheless, still hilarious.  
 

“It's not too good, I know.” Loki chuckled.  
 

“It's great.” Thor pulled out a card. “What member of your family are you most proud of...” His voice trailed off, staring at Loki. “My brother.”  
 

“The one who ran away?”  
 

Thor nodded. _You.  
_  

“It sounds like you two were really close.”  
 

“We were.”  
 

“I always wished I had siblings.” He reached around, grabbing a card. “If you had to change your name, what would it be?”  
 

He rubbed his chin, thinking. “Hmmm... Well. I like your name.”  
 

“You would take my name?”  
 

“Yeah. And you could have mine.”  
 

“That would be odd.” Thor said with a laugh, drawing a card. “Name one thing you miss about being a kid.”  
 

He thought back to his memories of him and Loki exploring Asgard; discovering new caves and fields to play in, making up stories and entertaining each other, their shared forbidden kisses.  
 

“I miss exploring. Playing. Having fun, without a care.”  
 

“You're only supposed to name one.”  
 

Thor rolled his eyes, Loki sticking his tongue out in response. He stretched his arms, yawning. He looked out the window, the sky a dark blue.  
 

“It's getting kind of late.” He closed the box back up, setting it aside.  
 

Thor nodded, stretching his legs. “Long day today.”  
 

“Yeah, really.” Loki proceed to stand up. “See you in the morning.”  
 

“So, I can stay?”  
 

He peered out from around the door frame to his bedroom. “Selvig wants you to watch me for the whole week, doesn't he?”  
 

“Yes, he does.”  
 

“Right.” Loki closed the door.  
 

 _I never want you to leave,_ Loki thought as he stood in his bedroom, gazing downwards.  

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

The days flew on by.  
 

Loki had taken Thor out sightseeing, paying a visit to some of his favorite places; the library that was quite reminiscent of the castle's very own, plenty of vintage bookstores where Loki proceeded to gasp and oogle over everything, and even a concert of his favorite band.  
 

Thor wanted to go see more of the touristy things, Loki didn't object; see the Statue of Liberty, take so called "selfies" in front of said Statue of Liberty, eat a lot of messy hot dogs.  
 

Loki had started opening up more in therapy, letting Leah a bit more into his world. He had begun to talk more about his history with self harm; he started when he was in the orphanage. A family had come by, and they were going to adopt Loki. They loved him, and he loved them, but as preparations were being made, they decided to forgo _everything_. And so Loki found a pair of scissors and went at his arm, basking in the pain and  _loving_ the appearance of blood.  
 

He talked about all the things he did with Thor, and how much fun he had been having. However, he did not share the kiss they experienced or all the times Thor held his hand or wrapped a strong arm around him. No one would know about those things.  
 

Every time he talked about him, his face would become brighter. His eyes would glisten, cheeks rosy, smile wide and genuine.   
 

And as the week passed, Loki was truly happy for the first time in his life. He was becoming to feel less worse about liking Thor, he would hardly feel bad about anything when he was so consumed in Thor's presence.   
 

The suicidal ideation, yes, it came and went. The urge to hurt himself, he would reminisce in the memories.

However, what differed was the fact he could prevent himself from acting on these thoughts.   
 

Sure, Thor had thrown away all of his tools, but even nails could be turned into a deadly self harming weapon if needed.  
 

What had changed was his mindset.   
 

But, this honeymoon phase had come to a halt when the last day of the week came by, the final day of him being watched and "baby-sat".

Loki awoke in a sour mood.  
 

He wanted nothing more than to get his therapy session over with then head to a bar and get completely drunk.  
  

They waited, sitting next to each other on the couch, and Thor instantly knew something was off. He had trained himself to obtain a keen sense of detecting when Loki was in emotional distress or feeling not quite himself. He had always thought to be satisfactory at that in the past, detecting when Loki was hurt, however, he now knew that to not be true.   
 

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, turning his head to face the other man.  
  

“Fine. Just fine.” Loki tapped his foot against the floor, smoothing his hands across his hair.  
 

“You don't seem fine.” Thor, with the intent of blending in much more adequately, had begun to adapt to the "Midgardian" way of speech. He still spoke all mighty like, but _causal mighty_ as he affectionately titled it.   
 

“Just leave it, Thor. I'm not in the mood.”  
 

“I'm sorry you are feeling that way..." Thor reached for Loki's hand but the younger man rejected his touch.   
 

“We're gonna go drinking after this.”  
 

“Drinking?” Thor questioned.  
 

“Yes, drinking. I wanna get drunk out of my mind.” He leaned back, resting his head against the sofa.  
 

“I do not think you are supposed to do that.”  
 

“Who cares what I'm _supposed_ to do, it's what I _want_ to do.”  
 

Thor had begun to open his mouth to speak further, but Loki shot up quickly as a faint knock could be heard. He unlocked the door, Leah inviting herself in with Dr. Selvig behind.  
 

Loki lead Leah into his bedroom. He still did not take a liking to the idea of people going in there, but they had crossed that boundary far too many times for him to give a damn anymore.  
 

Dr. Selvig paced over to Thor, standing off to the side of the couch. “He's made major improvements over this past week.”  
 

Thor nodded in agreement. “He has. He seems more... content.”  
 

“He is. And it's all because of you.”  
 

“It's not all me...”  
 

“It is.”  
 

"Loki has done his own work, I am only here as a support."   
 

There was a long pause.  
 

“Dr. Selvig?”  
 

He looked at Thor, nodding. “Yes?”  
 

“Loki... He expressed wanting to drink alcohol. You mentioned before to not drink with his medication.”  
 

“I can talk to him about that. Thank you for letting me know.”  
 

Another pause. The silence was awkward.  
 

Leah came out of the room, Loki by her side.  
 

“I'm proud of you, Loki.” She said with a gentle pat to the shoulder.   
 

“As am I. May I speak to you for a moment?” Erik said with an adjustment to his tie.  
 

Loki nodded. “What is it?”  
 

“Thor said that you wanted to drink. But, mixing your pills with those kind of beverages is really not a good idea.”  
 

Loki shot Thor a venomous glare.  
 

“I know, if you want to drink, then you will do it. But, the side effects aren't worth it.”  
 

“I'll be the judge of that.”  
 

“Well, Loki.” Selvig smiled, looking at Leah. “All of us are very proud of you. You complied to the visits, took it seriously, and made huge improvements.”  
 

“We wish you the best of luck, Loki!”  
 

Loki peered downwards, rubbing the back of his head. “Thank you.”  
 

“If you ever need us in the future, you know where we are.”  
 

And with that, they turned and left through the front door, another chapter of his life being complete.

Loki released a long, heavy sigh that he'd probably been holding in for quite some time.  
 

“Glad that's over.”  
  


He wandered into the kitchen, gazing into the fridge. 

Despite Thor being against his wish to drink anything other than water, really, they had purchased beer a few days prior, more for Thor's own sake. The drinks had been left mainly untouched, minus one bottle. He proceeded to remove a glass from the case.

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

“C'mon, Thor, it'll be _fun_!” Loki said with buzzed glee, half empty beer bottle in hand. He had already had three bottles by now, four if you counted the one in hand.  
 

“I don't think you are to be drinking so much, Loki, if at all.”  
 

“Blah, blah. I just wanna have some fun. There's this great bar down the street–”  
 

“Loki,” Thor growled, a sudden look of anger in his eyes, “you have been speaking of going to this bar all day. You know what Selvig said, you are to not drink with your medication. And this is what I am saying as well.”  
 

“Yeah?” Loki obtained his pill bottle, unscrewing the cap, popping one of the small white tablets into his mouth. He took a swig of beer to wash it down. “Oooh, I'm so _bad_.”  
 

Thor huffed in anger, grabbing the brown leather jacket Loki had lent him from the couch, swinging open the front door. Loki walked by him with a smirk, patting him on the cheek.

 

 

 

 

 

They ventured down the bustling streets of New York City, cars honking loud, people murmuring among one another. The crowd of people during the night was _much_ different than the day crowd; Thor had known the size difference, but the appearance of who was out at these times also differed. 

People with dyed hair- bright blondes and reds and pinks and purples - people wearing the latest fashion trends, tripping over in high heels, all sped by. The signs of bars illuminated the streets, the music from the clubs blasting, and the sounds of signs buzzing with a low toned hum.  
 

Loki stumbled over his feet, gripping onto Thor's tight bicep. The energy between the two was quite unsettling, to say the least.   
 

“This one.” Loki pointed towards a nightclub with a large neon blue sign above it, the wait line short. The bouncer peered over, greeting Loki with a wave.  
 

“Coulson!” Loki shouted with drunken glee, speeding over to give the man a half-hug.  
  


“Loki! I haven't seen you around lately. How have you been?” Coulson reciprocated the hug.   
 

He shrugged as his arm found its way back around Thor. “Busy.”  
 

He nodded in compassion. “Who's your friend there?”  
 

“Oh, him?” Loki giggled, pecking Thor on the cheek. “This here is Thor.”  
 

He breathed from his mouth loudly, more annoyed than he had been in quite some time. “Loki, please. Let us just go in so we can be done with this nonsense.”  
 

Loki leaned into the shorter man's ear, raising his hand to prevent Thor from hearing them. “He's a bit of a sourpuss.”  
 

Coulson chuckled, stepping aside. “Go on ahead.”  
 

“You're the best.”  
 

Loki grinned as they continued down a flight of wooden stairs, each step creaking as they progressed further down, but was soon drowned out by the overpowering music.

The venue was quite bigger than it had appeared outside, but I guess that's why it was underground.  

The club was dark, dimly illuminated by purple lights. There was a stage in the front, a man wearing a large pair of headsets DJing behind a table built from speakers, white laptop resting upon. The actual bar was located in the far back, stools all empty and open, everyone residing on the far too crowded dance floor.   
  


“We are here, get whatever drink you wished for so badly and then, please, let us leave.” Thor headed towards the back, pulling Loki along with him.  
 

“Oh, _Thor_. I'm not here for the drinks,” Loki smirked deviously.   
 

“Then why in Bor's sake are we here!” Thor responded in an awakened rage. He took Loki by the shoulders, leveling their faces. “I swear, Loki, I am in no mood for tricks.”  
 

“Who said anything about tricks?” He removed himself from the much angered God, finding himself traveling towards the highly populated area.  
 

Thor marched to the bar area in exasperation. If Loki was going to fuck around, he figured he might as well _try_ enjoying himself, having at _least_ some drink to calm himself. Or become further enraged, whichever.   
 

“What can I get for you, sir?” The bartender asked, rinsing off a large glass mug.  
 

“Mead.” Thor replied, short.  
 

The bartender looked at him for a moment, nodding. “...Right away.” He set off to the other end of the bar.

He returned, a black and yellow can of Black Thorn in hand, the only mead they carried. He placed it down in front of Thor, swiftly moving to continuously take other customer's orders.   
 

Thor took a long swig, the taste watered down, not as sharp or thick as the mead he was use to back home. He glanced behind him, searching for Loki. He couldn't pinpoint him in the seemingly endless sea of people. Everyone was so mashed and squished together.  
 

Until... 

Loki met his gaze with a devilish smirk as he proceeded to grind into another man, planting kisses among his neck.  
  


Thor's grasp on the tin can tightened, the metal creasing under his touch, knuckles turning white.

Un- _fucking_ -believable.

 

Thor rapidly stood, legs of the stool screeching against the wooden flooring. Even in his feverish haste, he still placed a large bill down on the table, but his rage was bubbling inside of him, building until it could no longer be contained, bursting like a dam. He hurried to the stairs, making his way out of the musty suffocating enclosed space into the open, refreshing air. He pulled and tugged and yanked at his hair, wanting nothing more than to just  _scream._ He spends all of this energy, time, motivation, all of his focus on Loki, and then he goes off and does _that_ with some other guy?  
  


“Fuck.” Thor muttered out, pacing in circles.   
 

Laughter rung in his ears sharply as he craned his neck, Loki standing behind him, giving him a slow applause. He shook his head, bright red hickey on neck.   
 

“Bravo. That was _quite_ the scene."  
 

“Oh right, it's _me_ making the scene. Not _you_ , practically _fucking_ that man.”  
 

“Oh, come now.” Loki leaned into Thor, caressing his cheek. “That was just fun play.”  
 

“Was not fun for me.” He slapped his hand away, infuriation seeping from every pore, his carelessness making his blood boil.   
 

“Thor, _please_.” Loki looked at him, apologetically. “You know I only want _you_.”  
 

“You..." Thor looked at him in confusion, caught off guard by his words.  
 

Instantaneously, Loki shoved him with great force against the brick siding of the building, pushing his body up against the other man's, arms pinned by his sides. Thor's eyes grew wide as his heart felt as if it was about to burst through his rib cage. 

Loki drew his face in centimeters apart from Thor's, the looks from both of the men uncertain with a twinge of fear. He could feel Thor's wavering breath hot on his skin, goosebumps forming among his arms in anticipation.  
 

" _God_ dammit, Loki." Thor nearly begged, hands twitching, pleading to move, but Loki used what little strength he had, anything he could muster to keep Thor from moving.

"Do it already."  
 

"Someone's impatient, hm?" He hummed.  
 

" _Please_." Thor became desperate, craving for this moment again ever since it had happened some days ago, dreaming of his lips, envisioning smothering him in kisses.   
 

"As you wish." Loki replied, hushed.  
 

He filled in the minuscule gap between them, lips locking a bit more passionately than Loki had hoped for. The warmth from the blonde man's mouth shot currents down his body and he felt his hands tremble. 

This was supposed to be out of drunken haze, seeing if he could possibly allow himself to enjoy a kiss with this man, finally. He knew he was falling harder and harder for him every day, savoring the moments as they slowly crept by. He basked in the ecstasy that overcame his whole being.

Thor's desires and wants and needs all mixed together and he relished in the present. He reminisced on their first kiss when they were but young boys; sloppy, unexpected, yet the reaction was quite similar to now.  
 

Loki broke the kiss, noses brushing. He wet his dry lips.  
 

“I've ever only wanted you, ever since the day we met... Just wanted to pull you down and lock the door.” He breathed.   
 

Thor was consumed with hunger, yet he begun to remind himself that Loki was intoxicated.

No, there was no way Loki would speak so openly on a sober mind, this was the alcohol speaking. Yet again, he didn't drink at the bar, but he had earlier... But, maybe it was starting to wear off?

No. This isn't right, he tried to tell himself.  
 

“Loki, you're drunk." Thor said, glancing away.  "You do not know what you are saying.”  
 

“I know perfectly _fine_ what I'm saying. Do you?”  
 

“Yes. Please, let us return home for the night.”  
 

“Mmm, yeah, I'd like that,” He whispered into his ear, breath hot, proving to be far too much for Thor to handle. “I want you to fuck me. So _bad_.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Loki straddled Thor, hands running under his cotton t-shirt. His fingers traced over his pectorals down to his chiseled abs, ending at his waistband. Thor kissed down his neck, pausing to suck on the previously created hickey, marking his territory, making Loki _his_.  
 

Loki bit his tongue to stifle a moan, craning his neck as waves of pleasure sparked throughout him. Thor's hands traveled up and down his back, tugging at the fabric of his jacket.   
 

“God...” Loki grunted, hands crawling up to his hair, fingers twisting in the roots of his messy blonde locks. “I need you. _So_ badly.”  
 

“How do you need me?” Thor's fingers traced down Loki's spine, ending at the brim of his jeans. This had been progressing quite quickly, and Thor felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  
 

Should he stop, push Loki away, for the better, for the both of them?

He knew Loki wouldn't want to rush things, he was far too fragile to be able to do something of this intensity right this moment.  
 

Loki buried his head in Thor's neck. “Need you to...”

His hands fell instantly, taking a hold of the bulge growing in Thor's tight pants that had been forgotten and quite ignored. “To fuck me. So bad.”  
 

Thor grit his teeth, forcing the noises that pleaded to escape from his throat back down. "Yeah? You want that, hm?"   
 

“Yes. God, yes.  _Please_. I  _need_ you." Loki lifted his head, peering at him. His eyes, glossed over and red yet filled with lust.  
 

The thoughts came spilling back. This was wrong. He wasn't overly out of his mind, rather he was probably quite conscious but this felt wrong.

Much too forced.   
 

“This is not right...”  
 

“The hell it isn't. It's _extremely_ right.” Loki leaned in to steal a kiss, but Thor, much against his will, denied the motion.  
 

“No, it is not."   
 

“So, you're just gonna make me stop now? Really?” Loki pushed himself off of Thor's lap, retreating to his room in frustration. "Hypocrite."   
 

Thor watched him walk away, sighing. He knew this was the appropriate thing to do, or else Loki would have been filled with regret the next day.  
 

“Goodnight, Loki.” He called out.   
 

“Goodnight." Loki's voice meekly traveled from his room before he leaned around the door frame, fingers tapping against wood. "Actually..."  
 

Thor peered at him. "We are not going to -"  
 

"No, I... Just come here."   
 

Thor obliged to his request, following behind the younger man, the room consumed with darkness.  
 

Loki turned to gaze into his eyes. “Just stay with me, okay?”  
 

"Stay with you? I will always remain by your side."   
 

Loki reached out for his hand. "I know you will. I just mean for tonight, stay next to me."  
 

Thor faintly smiled. "Okay."   
 

They together laid down on the much uncomfortable mattress that dipped into the hardwood floor, pulling the thin sheets around their bodies.

Loki nuzzled his head into Thor's chest, legs wrapping around him as if he were to float away at any given moment. He indulged in the warmth radiating from the other man's body.

Being together like that, like all of this, made the intolerable situations seem just a bit more hopeful. Wither it was laying on basically the floor or seeing Loki suffer daily in agony... The small moments like this reassured Thor.   
 

Loki wasn't lost.

He wasn't a demon.

He hadn't totally ruined his life just yet.

 

“Goodnight, Loki.” He said, hushed.   
  
 “Goodnight.”

 

 

 

 


	7. The Good Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki moved the plate from his lap, lowering legs off the table. He begun to play with his fingers, the anxiety from earlier creeping its way back in. 
> 
> He couldn't comprehend the concept of anyone enjoying his presence more than they were already subjected to.
> 
> He couldn't envision someone desiring to hear the tone of his voice, wishing to listen to his stories that he deemed boring, someone getting butterflies in their stomach the moment he steps into the room, their heart beating faster by thinking about him. 
> 
> He knew for certain no one could ever like him, positive no one could ever... love him.
> 
> Yet, it was the polar opposite. 
> 
> Loki's voice was beyond precious to Thor, something he treasured and longed to hear for just another moment every day, his tales never ceasing to entertain and fascinate him wither they brought him to tears or a boisterous laugh, his very presence sending electric waves through his body without fail every time, heart swelling with love as he so much as glanced at him.

 

A delicate purple butterfly, its wings dipped faintly in black on the ends, white markings scattered upon open areas, landed on the young Loki's nose, the sensation of its hairy legs a gentle tickle. He nearly went cross-eyed trying to focus on the insect, blowing on the creature.  
  


“He likes you.” The also quite young Thor, who was only but a few years older than his brother, said, sat across from Loki on the long open plains of Asgard.  
  


The wind swayed large pieces of grass back and forth softly. He noticed a single white flower among all the green, picking it from the ground, inspecting its petals curiously.

The butterfly flew away, off into the lush distance, perhaps to return to its own family. Loki glanced down at the book that had been opened on his lap. He closed it, not taking care to mark the page as he had already read most of it before, with a loud thump. He sighed contently, feeling perfectly at ease.  
  


“ _It's peaceful like this_.”  
  


Thor nodded in agreement. “It is.”  
  


“ _Why can it not be like this everyday?_ ” Loki questioned as he ran his fingers through the grass, smooth yet a hint of roughness under his touch.  
  


“ _Thor_?” Loki glanced over for his brother, yet all he was met with was nothingness, the darkness consuming his vision once more.  
  


This was an all too familiar setting and in his dream consciousness, he could recall this scenario from previous experiences. “ _Not again_...”  
  


Loki blinked open his eyes.  That dream... The colors were so vivid, the pictures so life like that he was convinced he had been there, living the moments. These  _memories_ though soon started to fade dully, depicting nothing more than a happy thought.  
  


He glanced around the room, but that as well was quite dim, and he nearly questioned if he were still asleep. He could distinguish between reality and fiction, however.

The bite of the air was quite cold, chilling him, goosebumps forming upon his delicate skin despite being under a mound of various blankets. Beside him was a radiating warmth, comfortable and relaxing. Ah yes, it was Thor. He was practically contorted around his entirety, fingers clawed into the soft fabric of his shirt, leg crossed over a hip.   
  
Thor reciprocated this as his arms wrapped around Loki's slim back. He held onto him, tight, as if he were protecting him from everything bad in the world, shielding him from life itself.  
  


Loki's ear was placed against the other man's chest, heartbeat a calming melody. 

He allowed himself to forgo all thoughts, all the questions at to why Thor was in his room, in _his_ bed, and nuzzled his head further into muscle. Moments like this were pure bliss, not that he'd ever admit that to another soul.   
  


But as his eyes wandered and noticed his bare arms, he questioned why he would be wearing short sleeves at this time of the year, rather wearing no sleeves of any kind.

And with much further consideration, he came to the realization that he was without a shirt all together.  
  


His eyes widened and his mouth gasped open as he hurriedly yanked the sheets up to expose body. His skin, everything that he wanted no man, or alien at that, to see ever, was out in the open. He wore nothing but his undergarments. He yelped loudly, nearly a screech, springing high off the mattress, stirring Thor awake.

He begun to panic, his anxiety climbing at an extreme rate. He frantically searched around the room for clothes, any clothes. Hell, he'd wear a paper bag if it meant covering himself up.  
  


He felt around close to the ground, any clothes he had laying around would have blended in to the dark flooring. Under his fingertips he felt the rough fabric of jeans, yet he could not find a shirt anywhere near by, odd. These were the pants he had been wearing earlier that night, he knew.  
  


And earlier that night... What had even happened? He remembered drinking, hardly anything to be honest, and then going to the club.  
  


But other than that, it was a huge blur, as if his mind purposely blocked out the memories.   
  


He really thanked the Heavens that the room was shadowy enough that Thor could not see him or his body that he deemed horrid. He hastily pulled on the jeans, up his legs and over his hips. The thought of Thor seeing him made him literally nauseous. He was terrified of that day ever coming, the dreaded day that anyone would see him in his full naked glory. Yet, it was quickly approaching, he knew it in the back of his mind.  
  


He knew he would judge him, call him atrocious and a disgrace, an abomination even, as that was what everyone else in the World seemed to think of him.   
  


Thor pushed himself to sit, startled. “Loki, what's –”  
  


“What exactly happened last night?” Loki was on the verge of an anxiety attack. He wasn't quite sure why the thought of Thor seeing him made him want to literally die, but it was causing him such mind-numbing anxiety that he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself. 

"Why... why am I not..." His breathing became harsher. "...Wearing anything?" 

 

_Think harder._

 

He remembered the whole scene now, standing in a still, shocked horror as it played back like a short-film.

He was straddling Thor, hands digging into his tan flesh, whispering to him out of lust, begging him to please his desires. The feeling of their hot warm bodies together, minuscule gap between the two men, the rough feeling of touching, their lips connecting in a haste, palming at Thor's growing...

It was driving him mad, the sensation of lightheadedness washing over him. He really thought he was going to faint, right then and there. The anxiety just kept coming in waves until he was drowning and couldn't be saved, all walls of mental protection crumbling to pieces, the dam bursting.

 

_Yeah, whore._

 

Thor had made quite a smart move, he just  _knew_ this would have been far too much for Loki to handle despite not knowing the extreme phobia of revealing himself. But, this still didn't quite explain the fact Loki was missing his dressings.    
  


“Loki, you asked me to sleep with you.” Thor noticed his breath rapidly changing, nearly a pant, but was unsure if touching him would make this scenario worse than it already was.  
  


“ _Sleep_ with _me_?” He shrieked, numbness filling his body. 

 

_Oh God._

 

_Ooooooh, God._

 

“Please...please don't tell me you... I....”     
  


“Sleep in the same bed as you, we did nothing more.” Thor reassured, realizing his choice of words were quite poor.  
  


“You swear?” Loki said shakily, whole body trembling. Loki wasn't apposed to the notion of him and Thor being intimate like that. Rather, he craved to be like that with him. It was just his damn head getting in the way of everything, always managing to fuck up his life.   
  


“I wouldn't lie to you.” Thor said, but then paused momentarily. "Loki, are you alright..?"  
  


"No... I'm... having a panic attack..." He tried to say, holding himself back from hyperventilating as well as he possibly could.  
  


_Panic attack_? Thor wasn't aware of this term, but he knew Loki was distraught, and the words panic and attack together sounded quite, well, awful, really. This was why he said he was too fragile, his emotions were still frazzled and jumbled together, as he expected they would be for quite some time, if not always.  
  


"Do you want to be touched?"   
  


"I..." Loki choked, tears burning the corners of his eyes, instantaneously releasing without much further warning. He didn't want Thor to feel his bare chest, littered with healed wounds that made the scars on his arms seem "cute".   
  


Thor quickly stood, his eyes adjusting enough to the dimly illuminated surroundings to see Loki's stiff body. He pulled him into his touch, arms once more wrapped around him in a soothing, protective manner.   
  


Loki didn't deny the gesture, hardly flinching as he was tugged into the blonde man's body, far too caught up in his own stress to object.  
  


"It's alright... You will be okay. I am here with you." He reassured, resting his chin on the top of Loki's scalp.   
  


Loki was in a near sob at this point, unable and uncertain how to calm himself down. He felt jittery, full of a nervous energy, his body uncontrollably shaking. It was as if the world was collapsing in on him, just over him being undressed.

As much as his mind fought him, telling him to not be so damn dramatic, he tried to force it through his thick skull that this was a really big important thing for him, and it did cause him quite a bit of discomfort. It had never caused quite this strong of a reaction before, but, that didn't matter, because it was happening, and it had caused this reaction.  
  


Thoughts, kindly fuck off. No, not even kindly.

Just go away.  
  


"W...Why am I not... clothes?" Loki cried out, his voice cracking, asking the question again that he desperately needed an answer for.  
  


"You had taken off your shirt, saying it made you more comfortable. I am not quite too sure why you had removed your trousers. I did not want you to, but you insisted. I apologize, I shouldn't have let you."   
  


Thor's shirt was growing damp, but he was glad Loki was letting it all out, preferring he'd release anything he needed to. Festering in these emotions could only do harm. He did know what that felt like, at least.  
  


"Honest?" He said, monotone.   
  


"That is the truth." Thor nodded, fingers stroking down the small of his back in the most soothing way he could muster.  
  


"Did you... see my body?"   
  


"Not any more than I have already seen."   
  


Loki looked up at him, eyes as wide as a doll's. "How much have you seen?"  
  


Thor mentally kicked himself, not being the most skilled at his words, or conversations in general. "I have seen the back of your body from a distance, and of course arms. This is all."  
  


Then he timidly added, "As well as your face that always seems to take my breath away."  
  


"My face isn't..." Loki sniffled, tears halting but breath still unevenly wavering, pulse frantically racing as fast as a hummingbird's. He did appreciate Thor always attempting to make him feel better and distract him momentarily. He was quite good at that.  
  


"You're just exquisite."  
  


"Thor..." He felt the worries start to drain from him, warmth replacing the nervousness in his heart.   
  


How did he ever find this guy? Really?   
  


Loki heavily sighed, long, biting his lip in response. He felt a sense of new found calmness, that feeling quite foreign. In the past an average anxiety attack would have lasted over an hour for him, but this was like a miracle.  
  


"How do you feel now?" Thor could feel the shifting change in his energy, hoping he was helpful in the slightest, what he doubted himself in.  
  


"A lot better... Thank you."  
  


"Good." Thor slowly released the smaller man, who was, really, the tiniest bit shorter than him, from his grasp.   
  


"I still need a shirt." Loki said, lingering in his standing position by Thor for a moment longer before venturing over to the closet, faintly being able to see and obtain a shirt. He pulled the short-sleeved top over his torso, a sense of relief washing over him.   
  


Against his thigh he felt the rectangular shape of his phone pressing into his skin, must have been left inside the jeans. He removed the device from the tight pocket, pressing the side buttons, screen brightly lighting up. He squinted, the stark contrast upsetting his eyes.  
  


Thor glanced over, noticing the only source of light in the room.   
  


Loki sighed. _It's only five ..._

It was too early to do anything, but now had plenty of pent up energy, doubting he could coax himself back into slumber.  
  


“You still tired?” Loki asked, trying to avoid the awkward growing silence.  
  


“A tad.” Thor replied with a yawn.  
  


“Do you, uh... want to make an early, early breakfast? We can make pancakes.”  
  


“That would be most fun.”

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

Loki held onto a large green plastic bowl that had a tint of transparency. Inside was a mess of gooey pancake mix, a creamy off-white color. He stirred the liquids around with a wooden spoon, cracking an egg into the mixture. Thor filled a glass measuring cup with 240ML of milk, taking extra care to not spill any of its contents. He emptied it into the bowl slowly. 

Loki obtained another measuring tool, this time a soft rubber measuring cup, and poured the required amount of goo into it. He then poured it onto the frying pan on the stove, making three differently formed pancakes. He adjusted the temperature as the mix hissed and sizzled, steam flying from the pan, evaporating into the air.   
  


“Loki.”  
  


Loki reverted his attention back to Thor, snorting when he saw his face, beard coated with flour. “Oh goodness, what _are_ you doing?”  
  


“Is this a good look for me?”  
  


“Very good. Very attractive.”  
  


Thor cupped his hand into the small flour bag, tossing a handful of powder at Loki.  
  


Loki defensively held up his arms however that did not protect him from the attack, black pants turning a grey. He huffed, peering down. “Really? Really, Thor?”  
  


Thor laughed but as he took a breath, he inhaled a sizable heap of the flour. He begun to sneeze and choke simultaneously shortly after.  
  


Loki snickered. “Serves you right.”  
  


Loki pulled out a spatula from a glass jar, pressing it lightly into the growing, fluffy pancakes as more steam escaped. He separated the three breakfast treats apart, admiring their appearance; not too large yet not too small, their consistency even, only the slightest bit burnt, if at all, on the bottoms. Their sweet smell carried into the air, room full of delectable scents. 

He reached for two black plastic plates hidden in the overhead cabinets, gingerly twisting the knob on the stove to diminish the flames of the burner.

Carefully, he transferred the treats onto the plates, giving himself one and Thor the remaining two.  He handed the plate to Thor along with a fork and butter knife, a bitter taste still residing in his mouth as he looked at the cutlery utensil.  
  


“There's syrup in the fridge if you need any.” Loki added, Thor nodding in response.   
  


They sat down together on the couch, light from the kitchen creeping its way into the living space, a dim, yellow almost, glow casting upon the area.

Loki outstretched his long, lean legs, resting his feet on the edge of the glass coffee table. He placed the plate down on his lap, nervously poking at the cake with his fork, twiddling the black piece of metal in his fingers.

Despite how hungry he was, he was much more consumed by thoughts as he would usually be, mind instead eating at him.  
  


He sucked in his lower lip.

“We could make it work.” He decided to say, weakly.   
  


Thor turned his head, mouth full. “Hm?”  
  


Loki stared at him blankly, thoughts rushing and circling through his mind at a hundred miles per hour, yet none would win. They zoomed, leaving him with absolutely no time to process. This man whom he'd think about from the moment he woke up until he went to bed, following him into his dreams... He was so involved with him, some daring folks would label it love even.  
  


“We could make this work." He sheepishly repeated. "Make _us_ work.”  
  


“Us?” Thor swallowed, carefully setting his own plate down.   
  


“Do you actually like me? Or, am I just creating this whole fantasy world up in my mind?”   
  


Loki asked, filled with self doubt, his confidence none. Despite his earlier claim, he could not always differentiate reality from fiction. This reality being that Thor adored him, always had, yet Loki denied to accept this. Or rather, did not have the ability to see it.  
  


“Loki, I lov– ” Thor halted himself quick in the middle of the sentence, rephrasing his words. “You are magnificent.”  
  


Loki moved the plate from his lap, lowering legs off the table. He begun to play with his fingers, the anxiety from earlier creeping its way back in. He couldn't comprehend the concept of anyone enjoying his presence more than they were already subjected to.  
  


He couldn't envision someone desiring to hear the tone of his voice, wishing to listen to his stories that he deemed boring, someone getting butterflies in their stomach the moment he steps into the room, their heart beating faster by thinking about him.

He knew for certain no one could ever like him, positive no one could ever... love him.  
  


Yet, it was the polar opposite. 

Loki's voice was beyond precious to Thor, something he treasured and longed to hear for just another moment every day, his tales never ceasing to entertain and fascinate him wither they brought him to tears or a boisterous laugh, his very presence sending electric waves through his body without fail every time, heart swelling with love as he so much as glanced at him.  
  


“I'm so infatuated with you... You're all I ever think about. And it's scaring me.”  
  


“Why have these thoughts made you scared?” Thor questioned.  
  


“Because, you just... I've never felt like this for anyone before."  
  


And he was being quite honest. Even before these hard times, back in life in Asgard, his strong bond with Thor was not quite to this strength. They loved each other, laughing and sharing fragile touches, however, were they honest with their true feelings? No. Neither of them knew how to express them, therefore neither of them did.  
  


Now, they both were pushing past the uncomfortableness, the unknown, and were raw, more than they ever had been in their lives.  
  


"Emotions, they are complex things. Feelings evolve, they form without consent, without explanation. Occasionally, this is in our favor. However, we do have the power to choose what we do with these thoughts. Do we accept them, or let them fester?"   
  


Loki proceeded to continuously stare at Thor with the blankest expression he could muster.

"What I am saying," Thor tried to redirect himself, "is I have acknowledged my feelings, that you are the apple of my eye."

"I'm the..."

Thor had not a clue how to express himself correctly, so he proceeded to do what he knew could convey at least the slightest bit of the fondness he felt for his _brother_. He knew he should stop referring to him as such, his brother, as they were never in the first place, but that word held sentiment now.

He leaned into Loki's space, one hand placed before his body on the ridged couch, nails digging in to the worn fabric, other hovering above his thigh.   
  


"May I touch you?" He sincerely asked.    
  


Loki nodded, at a loss for words.   
  


With his approval, he touched against his leg, the texture of his jeans rough under his fingertips yet soft with the added element of the loose flour, gazing into his uncertain green eyes. "I cherish every moment we spend together."   
  


"But, why? Why me?"   
  


"Do you wish me to feel otherwise?"  
  


Loki shook his head, slowly. "No..."  
  


"...May I kiss you?" Thor timidly asked.   
  


"Please do."   
  


Thor closed the gap between them, soft lips touching, locking in a tender, passionate kiss. He tried to convey what love he felt for him, however he couldn't use all the words in every language combined and make that exactly clear.  
  


"Are you sure... you like me?" Loki interrupted meekly.   
  


"Very certain."   
  


"You're not just doing this out of pity, are you?"  
  


"No, Loki." He pressed their warm foreheads together, reaching to intertwine their fingers.   
  


"Why would you still care about me after how much of a..." Loki paused, glancing away with shame, "dick I've been?"  
  


"I have not been the kindest myself, I have very much wronged you yet you still accept me for who I am. Why would I do otherwise?"   
  


"I..." Loki spoke in a whisper, voice nearly inaudible, "do you honestly think we can do this?"  
  


"I do."   
  


"And you want to...?"   
  


"I wish to be with you until the end of time."   
  


Loki closed his eyes, nose brushing against the other man's. "I'd like that."

 

And from that moment out, their relationship had _un_ officially begun.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

The week went on by, having its up and its downs, occasionally more downs.

 

The arguing started back up, and they disagreed over more things than either of them had hoped.

 Argued over small things, like who should pick up the groceries, argued over larger-scaled things, such as the big question: where Thor should stay. Loki expressed that he needed his space, he wasn't ready for them to  _officially_ live together yet, expressing that he needed to find his own apartment since he had what seemed like a endless supply of cash, which was exactly what it was. 

He would yell when Thor testified, saying how he was more than kind to have let him stay there for as long as he did, how he shouldn't have even let him come home that first night.   
  


Thor tried to convince him, smooth talking his way out of the situation. That infuriated Loki, angering him enough that he dropped the subject all together and gave in, directing him to sleep on the couch, and  _only_ the couch.

He very clearly marked his bedroom as off limits.   
  


However, they also shared good, heartfelt moments. They relished in their time spent together, chuckling at each other's jokes or embraced in each other's arms or quite often, the small pecks. They begun to learn more things, new things about each other, like how to tell when the other _really_ needed space, or when they needed affection. 

They acted like a  _normal_ couple, going on dates together. One night Loki had introduced Thor to the excitement that was a movie theater, the blonde-haired man being more impressed than ever at the “magical 3D goggles”.  
  


A bright and sunny day came along and with that brought Loki to a chipper mood. He had decided to go job hunting as he didn't want Thor to continue in paying for literally everything. He wanted to be able to reciprocate the action and spoil him, buy him a gift or two here and there. 

 

Loki's thumb traveled down his phone as he scrolled through a long list of job openings. 

He couldn't teach, no proper degree for that, nor did he want to. He couldn't stand working at a fast food joint, something he deemed too degrading for him. He didn't want to work in a grocery store or supermarket, too many unfamiliar faces.  
  


He kept scrolling until he stopped, his finger pressed against the advertisement, the title reading, ' _New York's Biggest Toy Store, Help Wanted_ '  
  


_Yeah, that's surely not crowded with strangers. Idiot.  
  
_

Despite that being quite true, that it could possibly be heavily populated at times, this is where he wanted to go. It could be a great job, he thought. Simple, fun. It was decided, this would be it.  
  


Thor plopped down next to Loki, bowl of cereal in his hands. “Any luck?”  
  


Loki nodded. “Yes, actually. I believe to have found the  _perfect_ one.”  
  


“Where is it?” Thor asked as a shoveled a spoonful of Cheerios into his mouth.  
  


“A toy store.” His face lit up as he spoke.  
  


“A toy store? That does sound most fun.”  
  


“Come on.” Loki stood, tucking his phone into his back pocket. He pulled on Thor's arm. “Let's go check it out.”  
  


“Me as well?” He still held the plastic dish in his hands.   
  


“Yes, you as well. I wouldn't go without you.”   
  


"May I finish eating first?"   
  


Loki rolled his eyes, sitting back down with a chuckle. "Yeah, but you better do it fast."  
  


"Of course, I would not want to keep you waiting, now would I, my dear?"  
  


"Oh, hush." 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

They walked through the large glass doors of the store, stepping into a world of wonders. The shop was multiple stories high, a large escalator going up to floor after floor. There were giant displays of the season's hottest toys, all lined up perfectly neat.  
  


They both looked around in awe, the walls colorful and bright, with toys and large props hanging from the ceiling. The wooden floor had tracks on it, leading into different sections; little Lego blocks led into the Lego and building section where as small foot prints led into the children's toy section.

They ventured through the store, stopping to stare and point out anything they found interesting. They stopped in the Lego section, a table set out with a plain green board, boxes hundreds of different colored blocks surrounding it. The sign on the table read, ' _Let your imagination go wild_!'.  
  


They kept wandering, taking in everything, until they bumped into a store attendant.  
  


“Do you gentlemen need help with anything?” She asked, a smile plastered on her face.

She wore a uniform; white buttoned up short sleeved shirt with a blue cotton vest, a red satin bow tie, and a high-waisted blue skirt, fabric matching with the vest, topped off with knee-high socks.   
  


“Do you know who I'd speak to about working here?” Loki asked.  
  


“Yes, of course! I can get the paperwork for you to fill out, and then I'll take you back.”  
  


“That would be great.”  
  


They trailed behind her, Thor nonchalantly reaching for Loki's hand. He gave him an uncertain glance as they tended to fray from copious amounts of public affection, but perhaps it was time to stop giving a damn.   
  


She went behind the check-out counter, pulling out a clipboard with a yellow piece of paper. She grabbed a pen, handing the two items to him. “Just let me know when you're done.”  
  


“Thank you.”  
  


He looked around, spotting a bench in the far off corner. They sat down, Loki crossing one leg over the other. He put the clipboard down on his lap, reading over all the questions. He filled in the lines, one by one, answering as truthfully as he could.  
  


He tapped the cap of the pen against his lip. “Do you think they'll accept me?”  
  


Thor looked at him, nodding. “Why would they not?”  
  


Loki shrugged, clasping the pen on to the clipboard. “People just don't like me.”  
  


“That's foolish. Everyone likes you.”  
  


“No, I'm pretty sure plenty of people don't.”  
  


Loki stood, handing the clipboard back to the attendant.  
  


“Thank you! Right this way, please.”  
  


She took off in the other direction, Loki following.  
  


Thor sat there, staring mindlessly at the floor. Loki halted in his steps, shooting him a concerned look.  
  


“Are you coming...?”  
  


Thor peered up, clearing his cluttered mind. He hurried over to Loki, walking together.  
  


“You okay?” Loki whispered, now indeed not giving a damn and reached for the blonde haired man's hand, giving him a reassuring squeeze.  
  


Thor nodded. “Just got caught up in thoughts.”  
  


“Thoughts? I didn't know you had those.” He teased.  
  


Thor pinched Loki's face playfully, grinning.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

“So, Loki.” A man with stylized brown hair, short and trimmed yet lifted in the front, as well as a quite intricate mustache and beard duo, flipped through his application papers, licking his finger as he turned the pages. He wore a dark silver suit, stripes falling down among the pattern, a high-class brown tie around his neck resting against a fancy dress shirt. His appearance intimidated Loki, feeling quite under dressed.   
  


“Why is it that you want to work here?”  
  


Loki inhaled deeply, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. “Your store is really magnificent, and working at a toy store would be really fun. And, I... I kind of really need a job.”  
  


The man nodded, setting the thin stack of papers down on his desk, clearing his throat. “When was the last time you had a job?”  
  


Loki thought, counting on his fingers, losing track. "Much over a month ago, maybe even two, I don't remember any more.”  
  


“And what was it that you did?”  
  


“I worked at a coffee shop, doing drive-thru and taking orders.”  
  


He nodded, taking a pen off of his desk, clicking it. He begun to write down on the application papers. “We will see you next week, Mr. Laufeyson.”  
  


Loki looked at him in shock, brows high and eyes wide. “Wait, r-really?”  
  


He nodded, stretching out his arm. Loki gripped his hand, shaking it.  
  


“Thank you so much.” He looked at the golden name plaque on the desk. “Mr. Stark.”

 

Loki proceeded to leave the room, gently closing the door behind him. He shuffled over to Thor, throwing his arms around him in glee. "Well, I got it."  
  


“You got the job?”   
  


He nodded, grinning. “I start next week.”  
  


“Congratulations, Loki! That is wonderful!”  
  


“Let's do something in celebration, hm?" He kissed Thor on the cheek. 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

They returned back to Loki's apartment, a bag full of Chinese take-out in one hand each, a cup full of hot chocolate in the other. They placed the two plastic bags down on the kitchen counter.    
  


“You can get the chair from the kitchen, I'll get the pillows and blankets from the bedroom.” Loki took a generous sip of the warm sweet liquids, placing the paper cup beside the food with a gentle tap. He ventured into his room to gather all the soft material he could find; his various blankets, the few amounts of pillows that he had.

He came back out into the living room to see Thor strategically placing the chair a good distance from the couch however not too far that they could not make a decent tent. 

 Loki placed the pillows down on the hard ground beside the couch followed by the other comfortable materials, making as nice of a sleeping area as possible. They begun to remove nearly all the books from the shelves off in the corner of the room, stacking them up high enough to substitute as a pole.   
  


They stood back, admiring their work.  
  


“That's a good fort.” Loki said with approval as he held up his hand.  
  


Thor looked at him, dumbfounded. Loki grabbed his hand to lift it up then gently slapped it. He laughed as Thor's expression grew even further confused.  
  


“Oh, you're too cute.”  
  


Loki went to snatch up the Chinese food, placing it under the fort. A fort that looked good _and_ smelt delicious, how quaint. They grabbed their cups of the melty chocolatey goodness and crawled under the carefully made tent, cautious not to spill. Loki proceeded to claim the couch as Thor sat on the floor, legs crossed. Loki stretched out, setting his cup down, laying on his stomach. He put his head down on the sofa cushion, his head angled to face Thor.  
  


“What is it?” Thor sipped on his drink.  
  


“Nothing. _I just like to gaze at you._ ” He quoted, snickering.  
  


“How dare you use my words against me.”  
  


“Whatever.” He pushed himself to sit up momentarily. "Come here."  
  


Thor scooted over closer as Loki leaned in, tenderly kissing him, lips tasting vaguely of coco and sugar.  
  


“Cutie.”

 

 

 …♥…

 

 

“Thor.”  
  


No response.  
  


“Thorrr.”  
  


Loki slid down from the couch, crawling on top of the slumbering God, or Mortal, whatever he was technically considered now. He poked his nose. “Wake up, dammit.”  
  


He bent over, whispering in his ear. “Oh no, we're being attacked by monsters!"   
  


Thor's eyes opened, gasping, hand outstretched instinctively. "Where are they?"  
  


Loki's eyebrows raised out of curiosity. “What's that?'  
  


"What's what?" Thor questioned in a sleepy haze.  
  


Loki reached out, mimicking his pose. "This. What's this? You reaching for a sword or something?"  
  


"Oh..." The realization that he had acted like that hit him, and he quickly lowered his arm. "No..."  
  


"Then what were you... Never mind, you don't need to explain."   
  


Thor yawned, his eyes heavy. “Is there something you need, Loki?”  
  


He shook his head, settling to lay beside Thor. "Just wanted to be next to you."  
  


Thor sleepily turned his head, wrapping an arm around Loki to pull him in closer. “You make me very happy, do you know that?"  
  


Loki closed his eyes. " And you make me actually care about living.”  
  


A lopsided smile grew on Thor's face.  
  


“I lov...” Thor quickly paused before that word could even finish coming out. That was much too soon to drop on him, he had not a clue how he would react. 

But, he could not help himself as those three words were always on the tip of his tongue, begging to be released.   
  


“What?"  
  


Thor shook his head, kissing the top of his head. "Nothing. Goodnight.”  
  


“...Goodnight."

 

...Or was it not soon enough?

 

 

 


	8. I'll Do Whatever It Takes To Be the Mistake You Can't Live Without

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a little over two months since they unofficially made their relationship official.
> 
> Loki requested the day off so they could spend it together.
> 
> So they could maybe have a bottle of champagne, or go see a movie, or I don't know, do something romantic.
> 
> Instead, Loki decided they find a bigger apartment to move into, together.
> 
> He had come to the conclusion that he did not want Thor to leave, and this meant staying with him at all times. The current living quarters were a bit cramped, so it wouldn't hurt, right?
> 
> They both happily agreed on this idea.

 

 

Thor awoke to the strong scent of coffee lingering in the air. The sound of faint tunes emitting from a radio, or a phone, something, could be heard, Loki humming along to the gentle melody. He cheerfully moved around the kitchen, swaying his hips as he stirred around a batch of scrambled eggs in the trusty frying pan, separating the protein into two parts . Once pleased with his creation, he scooped it up onto a plate, venturing over to the couch, surprised to see Thor awake. He handed him the plate with a smile.   
  


“You're rather chipper this morning.” Thor said with a tired grin.  
  


“Well, today's a good day.” He plopped himself down on the end of the couch, Thor pulling his legs in to give him more room, body still stretched out.  
  


“It makes me glad to see you like this.” Thor examined the contents of the dish; eggs with cheese, two slices of bacon, and toast with jelly rested on the plate, all smelling quite scrumptious.   
  


“And it feels even better to be like _this_.”  
 

“You should be like this always.”  
 

“If I could, I would.” He stood up, heading into the bedroom. He looked down at the dresser, his uniform folded neatly on top of it.

He thumbed over the smooth of the fabric, slick underneath his touch. He lifted up the shirt, thanking whoever for allowing it to be a long-sleeved shirt.  
 

For the first time, he was excited to be starting a job. Yes, it was not his ideal occupation, and he did doubt he'd ever be able to do something he really wanted to do, the dream of being an artist being long gone by now, but it was something good. Something sustainable.   
 

He could pay for his own apartment now, hopefully. Buy Thor little gifts and surprises. Buy his own food for once.  
  


For once, he felt as if his life didn't completely suck. This wasn't to say he never felt depressed anymore, that his mood was always high, as it wasn't, and the urges for self destruction came. But, everything was quite different now.  
  


He had a great boyfriend, not always in the stress over being in isolation or if he'd make it another day, not currently worrying about being behind on rent...  
  


Life was _okay_.  
  


He removed his long sleeved thermal shirt to replace it with his new work shirt, buttoning it slowly with shaky fingers. He pulled the red tie around the collar, tying and tugging it tight. He threw off his sleep pants, stepping into the navy blue dress pants, pulling the belt around his waist.  
  


He was quite anxious for he didn't know what to expect, that was a given. He just prayed nothing would go wrong, the fear of being fired still in the back of his mind.   
He stepped back out, nervously chuckling when Thor greeted him with a large grin from the couch.   
 

“You look wonderful, Loki.” He came to a stand and waltzed over to his _boyfriend_ , a word he was still unfamiliar with using to address him, pressing a small kiss to his lips. He held him by the waist, stroking up and down the sides of his shirt.  
 

“You're just saying that.”  
 

“But I am not."  
 

They kissed again, short and sweet.  
 

And then that short kiss turned longer, becoming more heated and filled with hunger, at least on Thor's end.

Thor's hands worked themselves up Loki's torso, stroking across his chest. He tugged on the tie that Loki had worked so hard to get perfect, desperate to get it off, to get everything off.   
 

It was becoming harder for Thor to keep his hands off of Loki, all of the time they spent apart agonizing him, making him twitch to feel just an inch of his skin. He was satisfied with cuddling and the short, sweet pecks, but when he saw him, his desires ramped up and he was unsure how exactly to control them.  
  


“I...” Loki panted, pulling away from the kiss. “I have to go.”  
 

“Now?” Thor nearly whined, kissing down the side of his neck, the sensitivity of his touch, the scruff of his beard, driving Loki mad.  
 

“Y...Yeah... Now." Loki craned his neck, hand finding its way up to Thor's long, thick, beach blonde locks, tousling the hair between his fingers.    
 

He swallowed the lump in his throat, gently pushing Thor away despite both their wishes.   
  


“I need to go...” He begun to step towards the door but stopped, turning on his heel to quickly kiss Thor once more.  
 

“I'll see you later, alright?” He said before moving away, looking into the other dear man's beautiful blue eyes.   
 

Thor nodded, brushing the back of his hand against Loki's smooth cheek. “Have a good day."

 

 

 

 

Loki headed towards the train station, a fair walk but not too exhausting. He stood waiting in the growing sea of people for the train to arrive.

In the meantime, he pulled out his phone, clicking it on. He smiled as the background appeared; a picture of him and Thor with their goofy, lopsided grins, both looking genuinely happy.   
  


The train slowly approached, the doors opening with a puff of air. Loads of people rushed out as the new crowd of people stepped on. He sat down on a bench near the door, flipping through the pictures on his phone mindlessly.   
 

All of the dumb selfies they took together, back during that week when they first met until just yesterday; they had been smiling, some laughing, a few hugging, a couple snuggling, even one forbidden shot of them kissing. All of them made him feel giddy.  
  


Thor just made him _so happy_ , he always had.  
  


He'd never had someone like that before in his life. And he didn't know how he even really came into his life, but he was glad.  
  


The thought passed through his mind, that if he weren't here anymore, if his plan had succeeded, he would have never met this man. He would have never come to realize that life could be lived in peace and not twenty four seven despair.   
  


Loki turned the device off as the train was approaching his stop. He pushed his way off the busy car and into the station.

He made his way to the stairs, leading into the brisk air of the streets.  
 

He looked across the street, the toy store large and bright. He took a deep breath. This was it, something new. He did very much dislike doing new things, being placed in situations where he was unsure of the outcome. But, what was life without risks, he thought.  
  


He walked across the street, looking around for the back entrance. He pulled his worker card from his pocket, sliding it into the scanner, the door clicking open. Loki walked into the store, the lights dim and floor empty. He spotted Mr. Stark walking around, clipboard in hand, talking with another worker. He seemed to have noticed him as well as he waved him over.   
  


Loki strolled over, his anxiety mixing with joy. “Hello Mr. Stark.”  
  


“Please, Loki, call me Tony. We don't do that whole last name thing here.”  
 

He flipped through the sheets of paper, licking his finger as he turned the pages, stopping on a sheet with his name.  
  
“You're on stock checking duty today. Your supplies are in the back room. Come to me if you have any questions, alright?”  
  
Loki nodded, giving a thanks before heading into the break room. He looked around, spotting a locker with his name on it.  
 

He opened the grey door, seeing his supplies resting on the shelf inside. There was a clipboard with a yellow pen, and a calculator. He pulled them both out, looking them over. 

New job. First day at work.

He didn't want to screw this up.

  

_Please, please._

_Don't screw this up._

 

 

 

 

………

 

 

 

 

  
“All's good, I think.” Loki glanced over the opened brown cardboard boxes, sets of dolls and various other toys residing in them. He looked down his list, matching the numbers of toys displayed on the boxes to the numbers on his papers.  
  


He checked them over one last time before leaving the large warehouse-like stock room. He walked across the store to the break room; his plan was to take lunch off across the street, try another new thing.

But he froze in his tracks, gasping, his heart beating out of his chest when he saw Thor sitting on a bench. Thor had seemed to take notice as well, smirking in his direction.  
  


Loki rushed over to him, not running or sprinting but walking at a pace to get over as quick as possible. He leaned over to give him a tight hug, resting his head against his shoulder.  
  


“You're the best boyfriend ever.”  
  


“I may be.” Thor reciprocated the hug before letting go. "I brought you a present.”  
 

Loki shook his head. “I told you before to not give me any more gifts, correct?”  
 

“Yes, and I have chosen to ignore that request.” Thor pulled out a hardback book that he had been hiding behind his back, Loki's face instantly lighting up in response.   
 

“This is from my favorite author...” He said, admiring the cover. He timidly glanced around, making sure there were not too many people in sight and kissed Thor. “This is the only book I don't have from her. How did you know that?”  
  


Thor handed it over to him, ignoring his question. “Open it.”   
  


Loki looked at him nervously before opening it to the first page. A gasp escaped from him, his eyes growing wide. 

Thor had slipped in two tickets to a book reading and signing event that the author was hosting. How he had even managed this was beyond anyone. 

Loki thought that he was going to cry.  
 

“How did you... How did this...” He stuttered over his words, not being able to complete a full sentence.  
 

“Magic.”  
 

Loki couldn't help but kiss him again, whispering into his ear. “I'll pay you back. I mean it.”

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Time started to fly by.

But, they say time flies when you're having fun.  
 

Life was almost joyous, you could say. Loki had literally never been happier in his entire life. Bad thoughts to a bare minimum, self doubt not as immensely over powering, anxiety diminishing. 

Loki did quite enjoy his job; he socialized with his co-workers and, Stark had even given him a raise for his performance.

Everyday Thor would show up, waiting for him to go on break. He'd always be standing there with that stupid grin.   
 

Sometimes Thor liked to surprise Loki with a homemade lunch, which was _sometimes_ burnt but, Loki appreciated the thought.

And from time to time, they'd go across the street and dine at a restaurant.  
 

Loki really had a new appreciation for life. He had admittedly felt like giving up quite a few times, one time so consuming that he crumbled on Thor and all he could do was cry.  
 

But overall, he felt grateful when he woke up in the morning to the sound of Thor singing in the shower, he felt grateful when he'd come home to a warm place to sleep, he felt grateful when they ordered take out and watched bad horror movies. 

He couldn't imagine living like he did before. And he really couldn't imagine his life without Thor.  
  


Thor, that little ray of sunshine in his dark room.  
 

Does he love life completely? No.

Does he fully love living? Not always. 

But, he does  _oh_ so much love Thor.  
  


It had been a little over two months since they _un_ officially made their relationship official. Loki requested the day off so they could spend it together, so they could maybe have a bottle of champagne, or go see a movie, or I don't know, do something romantic.  
  


Instead, Loki decided they find a bigger apartment to move into, _together_.

He had come to the conclusion that he did not want Thor to leave, and this meant staying with him at all times. The current living quarters were a bit cramped, so it wouldn't hurt, right?

  
They both happily agreed on this idea.  
 

Loki scrolled down his phone, tapping his finger against his chin.  
 

“There's a new complex downtown, near the store.”  
 

Thor peered over his shoulder, looking at the small screen. He raised his eyebrows. “It could work.”  
 

Thor pointed to the bottom of the screen, the photo of a luxury condo. “What about this one?”  
 

Loki tapped on it. “Well, it does look nice but I doubt either of us could afford it.”  
 

"It's no problem." Thor said with a nod.  
 

"But..." He glanced at the estimated costs for monthly rent. "If we got this one, I'd only be able to chip in a little."  
 

"You would not need to pay for any of it."   
 

Loki frowned. "Yes I would. I won't let you pay for any place just on your own."  
 

"But, why not?" Thor questioned.  
 

"Because... That would be selfish." Loki said, peering away with a new found sense of guilt.  
 

"I am offering to do this, it is not selfish. I assure you."  
 

"...Are you sure?"   
 

Thor nodded, kissing his cheek. "Very sure."  
 

“Should we go check it out, then?” Loki asked, still uncertain.   
 

"Of course." He replied with a smile. 

 

 

 

 

………

 

 

 

 

“I think this could work.” Loki said as he walked around the spacious apartment.   
 

It was very nice, quite an upgrade from his old, shittier place. 

 

As you walked into the room, the first thing you saw was the magnificent view of New York; the buildings, the water, the boats passing by. There was a kitchen off to the side with a breakfast bar built in and marble counters. The living room was open, spacious, with tan hard wood flooring. There were two bedrooms, one a bit bigger than the other, both with walk in closets. And the bathroom, the bathroom was just a bathroom. The shower had hot and cold water... That's something, right?  
No? Okay.  
  


“Do you like it?"   
 

Thor walked up to the windows, looking out into the distance. The water gleamed, sparkled, the blue of it nearly as vibrant as his own eyes.   
 

“I do. It is quite nice.”  
 

Loki put his hands on Thor's broad shoulders, enjoying the scenery with him.  
 

“I can really see us living here, for a long time.”  
 

“Let us get it.”   
 

After hours of filling out paperwork, calling banks and arranging money, contacting moving companies for help in the upcoming days, and his _now_ ex-landlord, the apartment was _theirs_. 

They were _un_ officially living together. Starting a new, better life.  
  


It was quite different for Thor, being used to living in such a grand palace. But, was it ever just his and Loki's?

No. And that's what made it so special.   
  


They stood in the empty apartment, holding each other by the waist.  
  


“Happy anniversary.” Loki said, moving his hand to caress Thor's cheek, stroking his thumb across the smooth of his face.  
  


“Happy anniversary, Loki.” He leaned in, closing the gap between them.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

In the next few days, the movers came to help take over Loki's sparse amount of furniture. They fill up the small van with their clothing, the bookshelves and their belongings, the couch, coffee table, his dresser, the television and dishes, leaving his mattress behind to throw away.

There wasn't much more than that to take.  
  
When they get to their apartment, they take a long look at each other, realizing just _how_ little Loki had.  
  
And then Loki grinned. "Shopping trip."

  

……

   
  


“We need to find beds, chairs, a bigger table, and...” He scratched his head, looking around the massive furniture store. “Maybe a rug or something. The place is way too bare.”  
  
The store was giant, full of furniture and decorations. There were small sets of rooms; bedrooms, living rooms, play rooms, full of different styles of furnishings. In the back, there was a large selection of televisions, ranging in size.  
  
“And I guess we need towels and sheets and pillows and well, a lamp would be nice...” Loki rambled to himself, counting things on his fingers.  
 

“Loki.” Thor said with a chuckle, taking hold of his hands. “One thing at a time. Breathe.”  
 

Loki took a deep breath. “See, this is why I need you.”  
  


They strolled around the floor, peering into the bedroom sets, pointing out anything that caught their eyes.  
  


“That's a nice bed.” Loki pointed at a daybed with a brown wooden backing, drawers underneath it for further storage.   
 

“Is it not a bit... small?”  
 

Loki shrugged. “Not for me.”  
 

Thor bluntly asked, “Are we not sharing a bed?”  
 

Loki looked at him, surprised, but at the same time, not. “N...no... We are not.”  
 

He raised his brows, this being news to him. “Oh.”  
 

Loki bit his lip, feeling quite guilty, like he was the bad guy. “Hey, eventually we will. Okay?”  
 

Thor nodded. “Alright.”  
 

He begun to wander off into the distance, thoughts flooding through his mind. 

Why was he taking this so hard? He wasn't quite sure himself. He just wanted more, craved for more, wanted to feel him every waking moment, wanted to have his skin up against him even in his slumber.  
  


“Hey.” Loki caught up to him, tugging on his sleeve. “You're not mad at me, are you?”  
 

Thor shook his head. “I am not.”  
 

“Are you... upset or something?”  
 

“No."  
 

“Then why did your mood so suddenly change?”  
 

Thor shrugged, continuing to walk on ahead.

Loki furrowed his brows, quickly following behind, grabbing onto his hand.   
 

“Thor, what's up? Why are you acting like this?”  
 

He shrugged again, hastily shoving his hands into his pockets.  
 

Loki looked up at the ceiling, sucking his lips in. He was starting to get frustrated with him.

Was this how he used to behave? Attitude shifting at the blink of the eye?  
 

“Can you _please_ speak to me? Is it something I did?”  
 

He shook his head.  
 

“Then what the hell is it? And don't you dare shrug.”  
 

“I feel as if we're not close.”  
 

Loki looked at him, completely confused. “Not close? You know nearly everything there is to know about me. We talk all the time, we're always together. I... How are we not close?”  
 

“We've always slept in separate rooms, despite a few rare occasions. The most intimate we've gotten has been that night you were out of your senses, and that was only because you were drunk.”  
 

“Wait, wait, back it up,” Loki rubbed his temples, sighing. “Are you saying this is all because I haven't _fucked_ you?”  
  


Thor opened his mouth, shutting it soon after. He really didn't know how to respond to that. The selfish part of his brain was saying yes, that _was_ the reason.  
  


“You're unbelievable.” Loki turned around, making his way out through the front doors.  
  


Thor watched him go, letting him disappear, his thoughts yelling at him to move, to chase after him.

To do anything, _anything_ but stand there.  
 

But he didn't.  
 

Couldn't.  
 

It was like he was frozen in place, cinder blocks tied to his feet.  
 

He just couldn't.  
 

Loki rushed down the street, pushing his way through the mass of people, strangers shouting and swearing at him in response. He kept moving past them, nearly running, until his legs felt weak and he had nowhere else to turn. He looked back. He was a good distance away from that store, a good distance away from Thor.

Loki breathed through his nose, long shaky breaths. He ran his hands through his hair, twisting, curling them into the roots. He kept breathing, trying to focus on regaining an even, steady breath. A tear dripped down his cheek.  
  


He closed his dry eyes, the tears almost painful.  
 

Why was this bothering him so much? So Thor wasn't happy that they hadn't been intimate yet.

It _was_ his fault. He never let it get even close to that point, yet.  
 

Everything was always his fault.  
 

 _Stupid, stupid Loki,_ his thoughts teased. _Weak, stupid Loki.  
  
_

“Shut up,” He muttered out loud.

 

_Always running from your problems._

 

He leaned against the brick wall of an office building, his head falling back, resting against the cold, bumpy surface. He took in another deep breath.

 

_Go back there. Be a fucking man, pussy._

 

He opened his eyes, stroking his hands nervously down his legs, his palms clammy.

 

_Be a man._

 

He pushed himself from the wall, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He began retracing his steps.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

They returned home, arms full of bags, hardly speaking a word to each other. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife.

Loki slammed the door close behind them, setting the bags down with a huff. He bent down, pulling a set of red towels out of the white plastic bag. He carried them into the bathroom, setting them down on the silver towel rack. He walked back and forth, carrying item after item into the bathroom, Thor watching him.  
  


Thor halted him as he was leaving the bathroom once again, grabbing onto his shoulder.  
  


Loki poisonously looked at him, the emotions building within him. “...Let go.”  
 

“We need to talk.”  
 

He rolled his eyes, scoffing. “Oh, so _you_ want to talk, huh?” He crossed his arms. "Alright, go on. I'm listening."   
  


“I am deeply sorry. What I said earlier, it was foolish, selfish, of me. But you leaving like that did not help the matter.”  
 

“So now this is _my_ fault?”  
 

“I am not saying it is your fault. You storming out like that did not make it any better, that is all I am saying.”  
 

“Goodnight, Thor.” Loki walked into one of the empty rooms, carrying a bag full of new fluffy blankets and sheets. He slammed the door behind him. He huffed. The room was completely bare, the movers wouldn't deliver their newly ordered furniture until two or three days from now.  
  


“God dammit.” He laid out the blanket on the floor, curling up into it. The blanket was soft, comforting, like it was his shield. Like he could wrap himself up in it, and all of his problems would just fade away.  
 

But, the floor, _oh_ the floor. It was hard and stiff and solid, and felt like Hell under his head. It was simply uncomfortable.

Everything, in fact, was uncomfortable.  
  


Everything had been going _so_ well, and now it was just all fucked.  
 

“Should have known better... Nothing good ever lasts for me.” He laughed coldly.  
  


Thor knocked on the door, the knocks echoing in the room, piercing and bothersome.  
 

“I don't want to talk to you, you're just going to make this whole mess worse. Or, I am.”  
 

“I'm sorry, Loki.” Thor said, his voice muffled through the tall door.  
 

“Everything will be better in the morning. Just go to bed.” Loki tugged the blanket tighter around him, closing his eyes shut.  
 

“No, it will not be.”  
 

The door creaked open, his footsteps loud against the flooring. “Loki, please.”

He sat down next to him, hesitantly running his fingertips through his long wavy hair. “This is ridiculous. What I said was foolish, and I regret it all. But, Loki, please...”  
  


Thor's voice grew quiet.  
 

“I do not want to lose you over this. Not after all of what we have been through...”  
 

Loki sighed, peeking open his eyes. “Thor, I'm not going anywhere. You'd never lose me, no matter how idiotic you, or I, act. I'm not leaving... Ever.”

  
He breathed out, softly, placing his hand on Thor's knee. “...Couples fight like this. It's gonna happen. And we just have to learn how to deal with things like this, in a healthier manner.”  
 

Thor laid down next to Loki, the shine of the moon glistening in his emerald eyes. “You are so breathtaking.”  
  


Loki adjusted himself, wrapping the blanket around Thor, nuzzling into him. “Thor, please, I'm too tired for sentiment."  
 

“It is just the truth.”  
 

Loki closed his eyes once again, the warmth, the scent, of Thor overwhelmingly comforting. He really couldn't imagine a life without him. “...Are we all good now?”  
  


Thor nodded, kissing the top of Loki's head. “If you can forgive me, then _all is good_.”  
 

“I can never stay mad at you. You know that.”  
 

“I know.”  
 

"...We'll get there one day, okay? We'll be able to be  _close_."  
 

"Okay."

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

The next morning, things continued on like usual. Smiles, cheerful laughter, happiness. The fight was put behind them. And Thor tried to bury away his self-centered desires.    
The delivery company showed up two days later bearing all of their new furnishings; desks, tables, lamps, chairs, beds. They brought in the furniture, setting them all into place and then preparing it, piecing them together.

After the sun had set, they left them with their no longer bare apartment. They were content, at peace, thrilled that _their_ apartment was starting to look a lot more like home.  
  


They returned into their rooms after saying good night and exchanging kisses. Loki looked at his bed, the conversation replaying in his mind.

Beds would be awkward for awhile, he knew that.  
 

The week came to an end, and Loki was thankful.

Thankful that they had been moved in, got past that argument, and thankful that the day he'd finally meet his favorite author had _finally_ arrived.  
 

He could never stay mad at Thor after he got him _that_ kind of gift.  
 

Who even does that? An amazing person is who.

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

Loki buttoned up his white dress shirt, flattening out the creases. He pulled his vest over the shirt, adjusting it accordingly. "Am I too overdressed?" 

  
Thor gazed up at him from the bed, donning his red plaid shirt and dark blue jeans, beanie on top.  
  


“Not at all. You look perfect.” He rolled himself upside down, his head hanging off the end of the bed.  
 

“There's no such thing as perfect.” Loki bent down, kissing Thor's upside-down smile.  
 

“Yes there is. I am looking at him.”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes, huffing, with a sheepish grin. “You're too much.”  
 

“Or am I not enough?” He nearly rolled off the bed, standing up. He pinched Loki's cheek playfully.   
 

“Maybe a little of both.”  
 He viewed himself in the mirror, hands shaking from excitement. He looked over at his bookshelf, pulling down the book Thor had bought for him. He held it tightly, pulling the two tickets from it.

“The author of this series, Jane Foster... She inspired me in a lot of my old paintings, with the star flooded skies and the colors. Her studies always inspired me.”  
  


He flipped open a page of the book, reading a line from it.  
 

He curiously looked at Thor. “Do you think there's life out there, besides us?”  
  


Thor chuckled, nodding. “I am sure of it."  
 

“My father... He had always explained to me that the world has different...” He gestured with his hands, trying to place his words carefully. “Layers, sections... Realms, if you will.” He looked around the room. “Do you have paper?”  
  


Loki nodded, opening the top of his dresser, pulling out a black leather sketch book. He looked around, finding a loose pen. He handed them to Thor.

Thor opened up the book, flipping to a blank page. He hesitated momentarily, pen hovering above the white paper. Should he do this? Introduce Loki to something that could trigger memories this strongly?

   
He stupidly decided to take his chances.

He started to draw circles, names placed inside them, all connected by lines, mimicking a bridge. The different circles had names like Asgard, Alfheim, Jotunheim, Vanhalls, Midgard.  
 

Loki looked over, curious. “What is that?”  
 

“This is what my father always explained to me. The different realms are all connected together, by a bridge. There are many different places out there that you are not aware of, the possibility of other beings is limitless.”  
 

“I had no idea you knew so much about this stuff.” Loki picked up the paper, looking it over.  
 

 _Asgard_ , _Jotunheim_... He focused on those two words, the names echoing in his mind.  
 

 _Asgard_... That one in particular stuck to him, ringing and rattling around in his head. That name was so... familiar.  
  


He closed his eyes, flashes of shocking gold and vibrant sunsets accompanied by dark, endless skies, a radiating bridge sparking every color in the spectrum all appeared. He blinked rapidly, looking around the room in a daze.

“What the hell...” He sat down on the bed, resting a hand on his warm forehead.  
 

“Loki, are you alright?” Thor compassionately put a hand on his shoulder, concerned.  
 

Loki nodded. “I am. I just... got weird visions.”  
 

“Visions? What visions?”  
 

He shrugged. “There were skies and a gold kingdom or something, and... rainbows, for some weird reason.”  
 

Thor's eyes widened, holding a back a gasp in his throat.  
 

Was he... 

He really _was_  able to recall images, thoughts, the past.

Maybe talking about the realms _was_ a completely idiotic idea. No, he knew it to be.   
 

“We should, uh...” Loki shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “We should go.”  
 

Thor nodded, helping him stand up.

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

  

They arrived at the bookstore, a train ride and cab later. The bookstore was packed with a variety of people, all standing around, waiting in a disorganized line. They stood together in the line, Loki fiddling with the strap of the leather bag slung over his shoulder. 

   
“You're so great, Thor.”

  
“I am not.”  
 

“Yes, you are.” He gingerly caressed his bicep.    
 

The line begun to move forward, a staff at the front of the hoard standing by a set of stairs. He took the tickets, ripping off the ends, handing the remainder back.

They quickly reached the staff members, handing over their tickets. They proceeded to venture up the steps, Thor admiring how simply adorable Loki was, how exciting it was to see him this happy. They reached the upper floor, a section in the back roped off. All of the chairs were taken up, so they opted to standing in the small opened area, getting a better view overall. Everyone crowded around, mostly teenagers and young adults.

Thor stood behind Loki, tenderly wrapping his arms around his chest. He rested the tip of his chin against his scalp.  
 

"Is this alright?"   
 

Loki placed his hands against his forearms. "Yes, it's very alright."  
 

"Are you still joyful to be here?"  
 

"I can't even express how happy I am right now."  
 

Thor relished the moments as they passed by, however painfully slow for Loki as he waited in anticipation.  
 

"It makes me happy that you are happy."  
 

"You know..." Loki spoke faintly, nails faintly digging into the fabric of Thor's shirt, "I'm happier that you're here, that you did this for me than the fact that we're actually here. The thought that you would do this for me... I don't understand why you would." He peered at him, Thor re-positioning his stance.  
 

Their eyes had locked and they were lost in their own world, lost in each other's sight.

"Loki, I..."  
 

"You..."   
 

 "I love y-"   
 

Thor's words became disrupted and lost over the sound of cheers and claps, yet Loki remained staring, his heart beating just a bit faster.  
 

"Say it." He nearly demanded, words muffled by the crowd but evident to Thor's ears.  
  


Jane sat down at the small wooden table in the front of the sectioned area, adjusting the microphone. She pushed her long brown hair back behind her ear, waving.  
 

“Hello everyone! Thank you so much for coming out tonight!”  
 

"...We should pay our respect and listen." Thor said, feeling the anxiety that Loki had felt time and time again creep into his body. 

He had been so prepared to speak those words however when the time came, he was simply scared.   
 

"Alright..." Loki reverted his attention back to the reason why they came there. Yet, in the back of his mind, he urged to hear Thor finish that sentence. 

It was clear what his intents to say were. He just needed to hear it, hear those words that he had never heard before in his  _new_ life.  
 

She pulled the microphone from the stand. “I'd like to talk about my new book for a little, and then open up the floor for questions.”

 

As the night carried on, Thor watched Loki as he absorbed every minute, every second.

His eyes glistened and beamed, his smile was wide, and his cheeks were glowing, the lightest tone of pink.

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

The panel had now come to an end, but the autograph signing was what Loki had been mostly looking forward to.

He clutched the book tightly in his hands. He had been awaiting this moment for years, dreaming of meeting her yet never thinking it to actually  _happen_.  
 

He looked over, only one more person in front of him. His heart started beating in his chest at a rapid rate, his palms becoming clammy, his breath ragged.  
  


“Breathe.” Thor said, chuckling.  
  


Loki took in a deep breath. “Thanks.”  
 

“That is why I am here.”  
 

Loki stepped up, dazed as he stood face to face with Jane. He felt like he was going to faint. He really thought he was going to.  
 

“Hello!” She said with a great big grin.  
 

He was at a loss for words. All the things he wanted to say to her just vanished.  
 

“Hello.” He replied quietly, setting the book down on the table.  
 

He bit his lip, breathing in heavily through his nostrils. He tried clearing his racing mind, focusing on what he wanted to say, what he practiced in his mind a hundred times before. “You're such an inspiration for me. Thank you for doing what you do.”  
  


“Thank you.” She looked up at him, opening up the book to the front. She uncapped a silver Sharpie. “What is your name?”  
  


“Loki.”  
 

She signed the book, addressing it to him, writing a small message.  
 

Thor tapped him on the shoulder, pointing to his bag.  
 

Loki held his breath, almost forgetting. He zipped open his bag, pulling out a quite small framed painting of his; a painting of the galaxy, with mixes of purple and pinks and blues, and stars and planets. He set it down on the table, nervously chewing on his lip.  
 

Besides Thor seeing a very limited amount, this was his first time showing anyone else his work. 

He had never thought to do that.  
 

“I painted this for you... I was inspired by your books.”  
 

She set the sharpie down, her mouth opening in awe. “Oh my God, Loki. This is beautiful.” She carefully took it, looking it over. She admired the coloring, the brush strokes, the effort that was put into it.  
 

“Thank you so much, I love it!” She carefully set it down underneath the table, standing up. She went over to him, wrapping her arms around him, giving him a great big hug.  
 

His eyes widened as he hugged her back, not believing that he was _actually_ hugging her.   
  


She picked up the book, handing it to him. “Thank you so much.” Loki said in awe.   
  


“Have a wonderful night, Loki.”  
 

They headed outside, the night time having already fallen as well as flakes of snow. He looked at the signature, a note thanking him for coming, before putting the book back into the now roomier bag.  
  


Loki was so overcome with thoughts and emotions that he threw his arms around Thor briskly, nearly causing him to stumble. He kissed him on either side of his face, ending at his lips.   
  


“She hugged me, oh my god.”  
 

Thor laughed, smiling. “And she loved your painting.”  
 

“You're the best boyfriend _ever_.” He kissed him once more on the cheek. “You better believe I'm going to pay you back when we get home." 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Loki unlocked the front door, the keys shaking in his hands. Their lips met, the pleasure blinding him. He reached around, gripping onto the door handle. He swung open the front door, Thor pushing him inside. He shoved him hard up against the door, slamming it shut. Thor kissed him again and again, sucking on his lower lip. His tongue slipped into his mouth, exploring, tasting him.  
  


Loki grabbed onto Thor's strong broad shoulders, gripping hold, like his life depended on him. His knees started to go weak, his legs feeling as if they were made from jello.   
  


Loki pulled away, breathing heavy. Thor kissed down his neck, sucking on the skin, biting down lightly. He traveled down, unbuttoning what little he could manage, kissing his collar bone, licking across, marking Loki as _his_ , and _only_ his.  
 

He tugged on his dress shirt, nearly ripping it off of him until it slipped down his arms and fell to the floor, buttons loose from their thread. He was too _impatient_ for that bullshit.  
  


Loki's eyes rolled back as he pushed his head hard into the door, enjoying every single ounce of pleasure. Ah yes, he knew Thor was going to see his dreaded chest, what had caused him such anxiety before. But, he felt as if that was alright. 

He owed him, the least he could do was at least let him see him that far.  
 

Thor briefly looked at his chest, a large keloid scar in the form of a gash, a slice, running across the middle. He had small white stripes running down his ribs, growing in size as they reached his stomach.  
 

Thor ran his tongue across the large scar, Loki gasping out loud, shuddering from both pleasure and the anxiety of Thor seeing him, his body... Actually touching these marks he inflicted upon himself.   
  


He leveled his face with the other man's, their noses touching. His hand ran down his chest, ghosting over his nipples.

Loki bit his lip, holding the moan he so badly wanted to yell, in the back of his throat.  
 

“Bed.” Thor said, his voice husky,  filled with hunger.  
  


They blindly traveled into the bedroom, a trail of clothing being left behind. They fell onto the bed, Loki straddling Thor.

Thor wore nothing but his undergarments. Loki on the other hand still wore his _very_ uncomfortable pants. Loki stroked his thin fingers down Thor's sides, and across his hip bones.  
  


Thor pulled on the waistband, tugging. “How about we get you out of these?”  
 

“How about we don't.” Loki moved his hand away, feeling Thor's growing bulge under him. He pressed himself lower, rocking his hips back and forth. The fabric rubbing together tingled, sending nothing but the sensation of pure pleasure throughout both their bodies. Loki's chest started to grow warm.  
  


“How about we do.” Thor pawed at his waistband again, grunting.  
 

“And how about we don't, again.” Loki whacked his hand away.  
 

“Loki, it is going to be a bit hard to... Do things with those on.”  
 

“I'm not taking them off.”

There it was again, that apprehension that prevented him from doing anything he wanted to do.  
 

Thor pushed himself up by his elbows, meeting Loki's gaze, their eyes locking. “Why not?”  
  


“I'm... I'm not comfortable.” He admitted.  
 

“Why did you not say so? We could have stopped long before.”  
 

Loki shook his head, his eyes closing. “Not by what we're doing. I'm... uncomfortable by myself. My body. You've already seen too much...”  
 

“Loki...” Thor ran a hand over his chest, feeling the large scar once more. “There is nothing wrong with your body.”  
 

“You haven't seen what it's like down there. It's even worse. That's why I freaked out that night, because I know you'll hate me after you see it...”  
 

"I would never hate you, anything about you."   
 

Loki opened his eyes, sighing. He moved off of Thor, his erection almost painful. He bit his lip. “I'm sorry.”

Thor sat up, wrapping his arms around Loki. He kissed his neck, resting his chin on his shoulder.  
  


“There is nothing you need to be sorry for.”  
 

“Just... I want to do this, so badly. And I feel like a fucking piece of shit because I just _can't_. I get why you're mad at me.”  
 

“I am not mad at you.”  
 

Loki let his eyes close once again, resting his hands on Thor's forearms. There was a comfortable silence, almost pleasant, despite both of the men being quite uncomfortable now.  
  


“You make me so happy, I just want to show that.” Loki said, barely a whisper.  
 

"You do show me, every day."   
 

"Yeah, just..."   
 

Thor cleared his throat after a long moment of silence passed. "Please excuse me."  

He begun to get off the bed, leaving to exit the room.   
  


"Wait, where are you going?"   
 

He glanced back at Loki as he felt his face grow the slightest bit warm with embarrassment. "To... Take care of something."  
 

"What? Oh..." Loki peered away, nearly snickering. "Yeah, you go do that."

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

“Hey, cutie.” Loki walked into a small store, the walls brick and full of posters. The air smelt heavily of incense. He looked around, the wall shelves were full of small trinkets and odd nick-nacks. The sun shone in through the large glass windows, interrupted by the people passing by on the street.  
  


“Hello, Loki.”  
 

“I'm gonna be home a bit late.” He adjusted the phone, picking up a small wooden figure. He examined it before setting it back down carefully.  
 

“Busy at work?”  
 

Loki shook his head, like Thor could even see that. “This guy got a promotion, so he's out celebrating by buying his boyfriend a gift.”  
 

Thor laughed. “Congratulations, Loki! You should be buying yourself a gift, not me.”  
 

“Yeah well, you deserve a gift way more than I do.” His eyes were caught by the hanging necklaces, the different pendants and jewels shimmering in the sun.  
 

He looked at each one, rubbing his chin. _Would he even like a necklace?  
_  

Then, he saw a necklace. The _perfect_ necklace. A roped necklace with the pendant of a Norse hammer, the pendant silver and the rope black and brown. He picked it up, his eyebrows furrowing.  
  


He felt connected to it. It felt... strangely familiar. Like something from his past. Or childhood.  
  


But, what?  
  
He just couldn't put his finger on it.  
 

“Is everything alright?” Thor said, breaking the long, growing silence.  
 

“Huh? Oh, yes. Just found you the perfect thing.”  
 

“I can't wait to see it."  
 

“I'll be home soon. See you then.”  
 

“Bye, Loki.”  
 

“Bye.”  
 

He held the necklace, the pendant flat on his palm.  
 

 _Mjölnir.  
_  

That hammer was called Mjölnir.  
 

Where the hell did he know that from?

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

“I'm home!” Loki shouted, locking the door behind him.  
 

He stepped into the living room, Thor's back facing him. He was re-doing the shelves, organizing and arranging all of the books alphabetically.  
 

He cleared his throat.  
 

Thor didn't flinch.  
 

Loki tapped him on the shoulder.  
 

Thor turned around, white ear buds in his ears, and a dumb grin on his face.

“Loki!” He yelled, pulling the ear buds out. “This device is most wonderful!”  
 

Loki giggled. “Yeah? Remind me to put new songs on it sometime.”  
 

Loki handed Thor a small red plastic bag, smiling.  
 

Thor took the bag, opening it to see a small black box. He took it out, looking at Loki.  
 

“Go ahead, open it.”  
 

He removed the top off of it, the necklace laying in a bed of tissue paper.  
 

He bit down on his lip, trying not to grin like mad.

What a coincidence it was that he picked _this_ necklace.  
 

Or... was it something more than that?  
 

His earlier visions, the plethora of dreams, the things he could see and recall...  _Loki_ was coming back. Which Loki that was, he wasn't certain, but he would meet him eventually, he knew.  
  


Thor pulled the necklace out, setting the box down to put it around his neck. He clasped it together, a perfect fit.  
 

“It suits you so well.”  
 

 _Better than you think,_ Thor thought. “I love it.”  
  


That made Loki smile even wider, pulling him in close for a hug. “I'm glad you love it.”  
 

Thor kissed his cheek, his mouth next to his ear. He spoke in a hushed tone, barely a whisper. “I love _you_.”

 

 

 


	9. No Time for Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You're the best.”
> 
> “I know.” Thor said with a sheepish grin.
> 
> "Thor... I love..." Loki tried to desperately force the words out, wishing he could just physically pull them from his throat. 
> 
> “I love too.” Thor mockingly said in response. Loki hit him on the arm, pouting.
> 
> "You know what I mean..." 
> 
> "Yes, I do." He stroked his hand through Loki's messy ebony hair.

 

“These past five months, they have been peaceful.” Thor said in between bites of his sandwich.  
  


Loki nodded, uncapping his water bottle. “Five months since we first met, five months since the hospital...” He paused, taking a swig of water. “A couple months since I've done stupid things to myself.”  
  


“I'm proud of you.” Thor ran his hand over Loki's sleeve, rubbing his arm affectionately.  
 

“Thor...” Loki glanced at the carpet, face feeling the slightest bit warm.   
 

“I love you.”  
 

The first time Thor had said those three words, well, he was expecting him to say it. But nonetheless, it had surprised him and made him nearly melt to hear someone speak such compassion to him. To hear such sentiment from someone he adored so much.

Now, Thor would repeatedly add that phrase to the end of sentences at random, shouting it to him before he left in the morning, making sure Loki was reminded every day.  
 

“I...” Loki stuttered over his words. “I...love...” He swallowed the lump in his throat. 

He loved Thor. He _knew_  that he did. But, he just couldn't get the words out. His throat would close up, his voice shaky, as if something was pulling him back, like _someone_  was preventing him from speaking.  
  


Thor placed his finger over Loki's lips, smiling. “I understand.” He kissed him on the forehead.  
  


He packed his food back up, the chair gently screeching as he stood up. “I will see you tonight.”  
 

Loki nodded, blowing him a kiss. Thor dramatically motioned his hands, catching it with a wink.  
 

“I love you!” Thor said before opening the door.  
 

“Stop saying that!”  
 

Thor chuckled, waving him a goodbye, leaving.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Loki stood in the building block section of the store, restocking the shelves.

He slid his box cutter against the brown tape of the cardboard, removing the new shipment of the latest Lego sets. He put them box by box onto the lemon colored shelves, humming to himself.  
  


His sleeves slid down his arm, the worst of his past injuries showing. He glanced over, yanking his sleeve back up. As he continued stacking the boxes, his sleeve kept mockingly slithering back down, like it was just _trying_ to annoy him.

  
He rolled his eyes, deciding to forget about it. No one was around, really. And if anyone did happen to take notice, whatever. This was his body. He had done these things, his arms now told the gruesome story of his past, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

  
He felt a light tap on his shoulder, turning to see a middle-aged mom holding her young son's hand.  
 

“Excuse me.” She said, her bright red lips turning into a frown.  
 

“Is there something you need help with, m'am?”  
 

She gawked at his arm in disgust, ignoring his question its it entirety . “What happened there?”  
  
Loki's brows furrowed. 

 

 _Yeah, of course you'd jinx yourself_. 

 

 Was she _really_ starting this?  
 

“A bad... accident.” Loki half lied, continuing to return back to his duties.   
 

She proceeded to poke him on the shoulder once more.  
 

He craned his neck. “Yes?”  
 

“Can you cover it up? I don't want my son seeing.”  
 

He closed his eyes out of disbelief, biting his bottom lip. “Are you _really_ asking me that?”  
 

“Yes,” She replied bluntly as she leaned into his personal space, reaching for the tip of his sleeve, pulling the fabric up as high as it could possibly go.  
 

He halted from everything he was doing to turn his body fully, facing the rude woman. He glared at her poisonously. “Don't you ever fucking touch me again.”  
 

She covered her son's ears with both hands, her mouth gaping wide. “You won't cover up those nasty marks, but you'll swear like a sailor in front of my six year old? What is wrong with you?”  
  


“ _Me_?” He screeched in awe of how ignorant this lady was. “I'm not the person yanking up people's sleeves and trying to get into their business.”  
 

“If you didn't want people to ask, then why did you do it?” She remarked.   
  


"Why did I do it? Why did I..." He paused, breathing. “You know what, just fuck off.”  
 

Tony walked up to the pair, catching Loki mid-sentence. “Loki!” He yelled. “Why are you speaking like that to this poor lady?”  
  


“Poor lady? She was fucking insulting me, telling me to cover up my arms. Am I not allowed to defend myself?"   
 

He should have been shocked, that would be the natural response. Rather, he was just irritated that anyone would pay him any mind. Perhaps he was growing too comfortable with Thor never asking him questions and forgot about reality, that people in actuality had no filters. 

To be fair, Thor  _was_ like that in the beginning as well. But, he had changed, so why could everyone else not do the same?  
  


Tony glanced downwards at his arm, the sleeve exposing the tiniest bit of scarred skin under the cuff.  “You should cover that up, out of respect.”  
  


“Oh my _God_. Why are you all so ignorant?” Loki huffed.  
 

“Maybe you should have thought more before you did that to yourself. Didn't you know people would feel uncomfortable by it?”  
 

“Oh yeah, like I was thinking about how people would _judge_ me when I was slicing my fucking arm open, trying to _kill myself_.”  
 

Tony sighed, scribbling something down on his clipboard. “Break room, Loki.”  
 

“Good. I need a fucking break from _you_  all.”

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

Loki frantically searched around the back room, lifting up papers and books, moving around the tables and chairs. His hands shook, his head was full of rapid racing thoughts. All of those feelings of guilt and shame and the desire to self destruct were flooding back at an intense rate. He didn't know how to control himself anymore, so he granted himself this wish, an opportunity to act on impulse. 

He scratched at his skin, digging his nail into the smoothest part of flesh that he could find. He frantically dug into himself repeatedly, however they were much too blunt and did not make a mark as _good_ as Loki had hoped for. 

 _  
That won't do.  
_  

He had to find something else to use.

 _Anything_.  
 

He rummaged through his pant's pockets, remembering that he had left the box cutter back outside on the floor.  
  


_Damn.  
_  

His fingers brushed up against the cool glass surface of his phone, and the thought passed through his mind that he could  _stop_. Stop this all together, call up Thor, calm down. This could result in something much better.

His gaze was caught by the long mirror in the bathrooms, door wide open.  
 

But the path that he chose?   
 

Before he could even realize what he was doing, he was standing in the bathroom, staring into the mirror, a pool of never ending doubt and regret and anger and sadness washing over him. The mirror captivated him, capturing him. And with each second that he stared into it, his chest felt heavier, and heavier, with regret and pain.

He wanted it to stop, the pain and uncertainty to just _stop_. The mirror sat there, watching him, _laughing_.

Ironic, the trickster laughing at himself.  
  


His heart started to race in competition with his thoughts. The room felt as if it were spinning, it was just all too _much_.

  

**Crack**

 

Loki punched the mirror, his fists clenched, knuckles white.

 

**Crack**

 

He punched it again, blood starting to drip down, splattering into the sink.

 

_**Crack** _

  

The mirror broke, shards raining down to the floor, like tears of glass. His thoughts came to a harsh pause as he watched the blood trickle down his arm, seeping under his sleeve, staining it darkly.

Ah yes. He basked in how much he loved the sight of blood; it's appearance, the warm, dripping feeling, the faint scent, the pain that it stemmed from.

His gaze fell to the floor, all the glass pieces surrounding him. And then he saw _it_.

A blade like piece of glass, holding his gaze once again.  
 

He squatted down, picking up the shard, clenching it in his hands. It dug in to his palm, crimson streaming down: the consistency thick, color dark and deep, the trickle against his skin pleasant.   

He yanked up his sleeve and stared directly at his arm. The skin had been ruined long before. It was quite like a mountain and valley; indents from where cuts that had required stitches yet never received the proper care healed over, raised up puffy marks from deep gashes, blotches of burn marks between the open areas.  
  


He sliced the glass across his skin, over the healed scars, wincing as the pain was nearly excruciating, the sting sharp, almost foreign now to him.  
 

And then he made another jagged slice, digging the shard deep. One mark after another. His whole arm was soon covered in long uneven slashes, leaking nearly black blood like a river.

One final slash to his wrist.  
  


And then that's where he woke up, snapped.  
 

He panicked, the liquids just _gushing_ out.  
 

“Oh god.” He said in a frenzy. His whole arm began to go numb, the pain fading into nothing but sharp tingles.

 

 _All those months down the drain_.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” He scurried into a stall, leaving a trail of red splotches on the tiled floor, dabbing toilet paper onto the open gaping wounds.

The blood soaked in, turning the thin paper instantly red, pieces ripping and sticking to the cuts.  
  


“What was that noise...”  
 

Tony walked into the room, spotting the hundreds of small glass pieces on the linoleum flooring, some having flew out on to the dark blue carpet. He took small paced steps, glass crunching under his shoes. He noticed Loki, the path of blood surrounding him, the mound of wet toilet paper beside him.  
  


He sat there on his knees, crying until his eyes burnt, desperately trying to make it stop.

Trying to make it all just  _stop_.   
 

“Call someone, _please_!” Loki shouted as he choked on tears.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor tapped his foot against the floor, checking the clock on the wall periodically. Loki had said to be home around six or seven that day, yet it was nearly midnight and the time kept on slipping by. It was starting to worry him.  
  


_Really_ worry him.  
 

He had thought him to just be late, but with each passing hour, he grew more and more concerned.  
 

He jumped, the ringing of the phone loud, startling. He pulled the device off of its cradle, clicking the call button.  
 

“Loki?”  
 

“Hello, is this Thor?” Said a man's voice, low and calm.  
 

“It is. Who is this?”  
 

“I'm Dr. Banner, from the psychiatric unit. You are Loki's boyfriend, correct?”  
 

Thor's heart nearly stopped right then and there.

 

 _Psychiatric unit_?

 

He _knew_ those words.  
 

“Is he alright?” Thor asked, dismissing the question.  
 

“There was an incident while he was at work that involved severe damage to his arm that required stitching. We've decided to keep him here for a few days, for observation.”  
 

Stitching?  
 

Observation?  
 

Thor had so many questions, he didn't know where to start first.  
 

“I need to see him. Please.”  
 

“Visiting hours are over at this time, but you can see him in the morn-”  
  


“I need to see him, now.” Thor said abruptly, slamming the phone back into the cradle. He ran his hands over his rugged face, sighing.

He thought Loki was doing well.  
  


He thought everything was fine.  
 

Why are they suddenly going back to the beginning, back to where they started from?  
 

Thor prepared a small bag. He packed some of Loki's favorite clothing; his green knitted sweater, his vest, his striped thermal. He threw in some of the books he knew he loved; the book Jane had signed, his art books, books about the galaxy. 

He threw on his jacket, slinging the bag over his shoulder. He left the apartment, rushing to catch the last train before the subway shut down for the night.

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

Thor arrived at the hospital that he Loki would be at, the painful memories returning as soon as he entered the building. He panted as he leaned against the front desk, out of air from running. He had ran from the train station to the hospital, deciding there was _no_ time to waste.  
  


“I need to see someone.” He said, trying to catch his breath.  
 

“What is the patients name?” The man at the desk asked, his fingers tapping on the keyboard in front of him.  
 

“Loki. He is in the, what is it called, psychiatric unit?”  
 

The man looked at him. “Visiting hours are over, sir.”  
 

“Please, I need to see him.”  
 

“Visiting hours are from twelve to two PM daily. Please return between those times.”  
 

“ _No_.” Thor's voice raised, his arms shaking. “I need to see him, _now_.”  
 

“I'm sorry sir.” The man reverted his gaze back to the computer screen.  
 

Thor peered over at the empty waiting area.

He sat down, the chair uncomfortable and the room unnerving. He glanced at the white clock on the wall, watching as the hands painstakingly moved at a snail's pace.

   
This was going to be a _long_ night.  
 

He stayed down in the lobby, checking the time every hour or so, which was more like every five minutes. He sat, waiting, watching people come in the entrance, people coming out of the discharge doors from the Emergency Room.  
He removed the photo strip they had taken together, always carrying that little piece of laminated paper around with him. It had seemed like years ago. He looked at Loki, his smiles small yet pure.  
  


By the time the sun started to shine in through the large glass doors, Thor had already drifted off. His arms were crossed, his head up against the wall. He awoke when he felt a gentle tap to his shoulder, his eyes adjusting to the brightness.  
  


“You've been waiting all night, right? You can go in. It's visiting hours now.” A different man than before had said, a compassionate smile on his face.  
  


“Thank you.” He responded sleepily.   
  


Thor stood and followed the man behind a set of doors, stopping at a tiny room with a few different benches and a set of lockers. He instructed Thor to lock up any belongings he had, such as keys or a phone or wallet, items that could not be brought in. 

He proceeded to lock his lone wallet and apartment key in the grey box, twisting a key that had a large yellow tag to it, labeling which number locker it belonged to.  
  


Afterwards, he took him through another set of large doors, buzzing in through an intercom, the entrance unlocking loudly. The man led Thor into a back room with a variety of chairs and tables, wide windows decorating the walls, a television in the corner as well as a partial kitchen off to the side. 

The room was not as glum as he had imagined a place like this to be.  
 

He still held the shoulder bag in his hands, full of Loki's belongings. The other man took it from his grasp carefully, informing him that the items needed to be looked over and inspected before they were able to be given to him.  
  


“I'll let them know that you are here to visit him. Loki, right?”   
  


Thor nodded.  
 

"Oh, and next time, you can just come and lock up your things then buzz to enter. Just say you are here for him and they'll let you in."  
 

"Alright, thank you."   
 

"Ah, and one last thing, we have Loki's phone, he said he'd rather you have it than us locking it up in the safe. I will give it to you now, but please take it with you when you leave."  
 

He nodded once more.   
 

He tapped his fingers against the hard table, the room void of people and otherwise silent. Within a few minutes, which had felt like an eternity, the door opened and Loki came walking in.

  
He glanced at the man sitting at the table, taking him a moment longer to process all of what was happening. His face so unfamiliar as it was familiar, as was this setting. Everything seemed quite surreal.

Was this really happening?  
  


Thor felt his heart beating heavy in his ears, tears peaking at the corners of his eyes. He stood, chair screeching against the floor, echoing.   
  


Loki rushed towards him, nearly leaping into his arms, grasping his arms around his neck. He kissed his cheek, the face that he wasn't quite sure if he'd ever see again. When he was in the ER awaiting stitches, the blood proceeding to flow from his body as they couldn't fully stop it from gushing... He did question if he'd make it.

If that had been his time to finally go. And he prayed, begged, for it to not be. He still wanted plenty of time to see Thor, grow with him, enjoy life with him.   
  


Thor's smile was full of pain. Pain that he could not help him further, that he wasn't able to prevent this event from occurring. However, as much agony that he felt, as well as the other man, he also felt a stronger sense of love and compassion. He held Loki tightly, caressing the small of his back.  
  


“Thor...” Loki muffled, head pushed into his shoulder. He breathed in his strong scent, the faint tinge of soap mixed in with something that he could only describe as what happiness smelt like.

He missed his warmth, his touch, only after a day apart.   
 

They stayed in that position for much longer than what was necessary, attempting to freeze time, relishing each passing second.

Loki took in a deep shaky breath as they both proceeded to sit down at the table, Loki moving the chair closer to Thor. He wrapped his slender fingers around Thor's larger hand, thumb stroking over his palm.   
  


“What happened, Loki?” Thor said, eyes visibly red, eyelashes damp. A tear loosely escaped down his cheek.  
Loki brushed it away with his other hand, leaning their foreheads together, noses brushing.  
  


“Bad shit.”  
 

“You hurt yourself?”   
  


Loki gazed downwards with shame. “Yeah.”  
 

“Why?”  
 

He breathed loud. “This bitch started making comments about my scars, and it just... I don't know. I really lost control.”  
 

“Can I...” Thor looked at his covered arm.  
 

Loki nodded, sliding the sleeve of his work shirt up, they had managed to get most of the blood stains out upon washing it. As the fabric slid up, he exposed white stained gauze. He begun to undo the dressings. 

Thor held himself back from gasping, not wanting to put him off.  
 

His arm was coated in a thick antibacterial spread, skin shiny. All of the cuts had been cleaned, surrounding skin puffy and red and irritated. Every injury had been stitched, thick black thread in all of them.   
  


“Pretty, huh.” He tugged his sleeve back down, forgoing wrapping it back up.  
 

Thor stole an unexpected kiss.  
 

“Why did you not call me? We could have talked it through.”  
 

Loki sighed. “I don't know, Thor. I wasn't thinking.”  
 

Loki glanced around the room, a window that observed the hallway revealing that a nurse stood outside of the room. It was probably now on his record that he tried to escape.

Yep, that was Loki, he was a runner.  
 

He spoke in a low, hushed tone. “Get me out of here.”  
 

“I will.” Thor promised. “I did it once before, I can do it again.”  
  


When Loki had opened his mouth to speak, the front door opened, the gentleman that had brought Thor in returning with a brown paper bag, handing it to Thor as well as a small vanilla envelope. He left with a smile on his face.   
  


"What's that?" Loki questioned curiously.   
 

Thor placed it on the table, the paper crinkling under his touch. “Clothes and a few books that I thought you would enjoy.”  
 

“You're the best.”  
 

“I know,” Thor said with a sheepish grin.  
 

 "Thor... I love..." Loki tried to desperately force the words out, wishing he could just physically pull them from his throat.   
 

“I love too.” Thor mockingly said in response. Loki hit him on the arm, pouting.  
  


"You know what I mean..."   
 

"Yes, I do." He stroked his hand through Loki's messy ebony hair.  
 

He glanced at the nurse outside the window slyly as he proceeded to hurriedly shove the enclosed envelope into the bottom of the bag underneath all the thick clothes.  
 

Loki looked at him questioningly, to which Thor held a finger to his lips.

 

 

 

……

 

  

The day had quickly turned to night, the outside darkness seeping in through the window in his room, fighting against the overhead lights. Nurses came around to check each room, opening the door to quietly close it again. Loki had not felt tired yet glancing at the clock, it was nearly eleven. He decided he'd at least try to lay down, rest a little, possibly then he could drift off. He decided to turn off the lights, room nearly pitch black.

Thankfully the bed was not as uncomfortable as some. The mattress resembled a thick mat and the white sheets were quite thin, the pillow a rubbery plastic material, however not too bad. The bed itself was a box with dark brown wood, nailed into the floor.   
  


The rest of the room was simple. Painted walls, clock, as was noticed before, above the door that he was thankfully allowed to close, tall, spacious dresser off in the corner, a recliner chair in the color green near the window, and a bathroom even.

The bathroom's door was half slit on both ends and of course, did not lock, as did nothing else in the vicinity.   
 

 As soon as his head hit the lumpy pillow, a weird vibration sounded. 

  

_**Bzzzz** _

 

The hum grew more aggressive. 

  

_**Bzzzz** _

 

“What the hell...?” He sat up, kicking his legs off the bed. He knelt down, the vibration coming from the pile of clothing Thor had brought.  
 

He searched through the lot, examining each article of clothing until he could feel his phone shaking inside its paper confinement. He ripped open the seal to remove the device. It was ringing. He picked it up, holding it to his ear.  
  


“...Hello?”  
 

“Hello!” Thor said with excitement.  
 

Loki perked up, smiling cheerfully, impressed. “Ah, I see. That's what you did earlier.” He moved himself to lay back down on the bed, pulling the sheets to surround him.  
  


“I missed the sound of your voice.”  
 

“After a few hours?”  
 

“It's dumb, I know.”  
 

“I missed the sound of your voice as well, Loki.”  
 

Loki's cheeks turned lightly pink, his heart always seeming to beat faster when he talked to Thor. “I really wish you were here. Well, no. I wish I was there with you. I don't want to be here.”  
  


Thor chuckled. “I will get you out of there as I promised.”  
 

There was a long pause.  
 

Loki bit his lip. “I miss you.”  
 

“I am right here.”  
 

“But, I miss seeing you, and touching you, and your wonderful smile.”  
 

Thor breathed out a laugh, his voice deepening. “If I was there with you, I would not be able to keep my hands off of you.”  
  


“...Yeah?” Loki turned to lay on his side.   
 

“If I was there with you, right now, you would not even be able to talk. Your mouth would be too busy.”  
 

Loki smirked, quite liking where this conversation was going. “And what would my mouth be doing?”  
 

“Kissing me. Going down on me. Your pick.”  
 

Loki laughed. “God, you're just _too_ cute, you know.”  
 

“What is your choice?”  
  


Loki raised his eyebrows. “Still on that, are we? I'd have to pick the latter.”  
 

“Good choice.” Static came from Thor's end, the sounds of fabric being bustled around could be heard.  
  
“Getting comfortable there?”  
 

“Quite.”  
 

“Might have to do the same.”  
 

When the element of sight was removed, Loki could ease himself into the situation and actually enjoy it. He slid one hand down under the covers, his fingertips brushing over the brim of his waistband. He carefully let his hand into his pants, a devious smile growing on his face.  
  


“Comfortable?” Thor said with a muffled chuckled.   
  


“Oh yeah.” He stroked his hand over the front of his boxers, resting it over the forming bulge.  
 

“I want to fuck you so hard...” Thor's voice came in and out, faint and distant to loud. He grunted. “So hard into the mattress that an indent would be left. Make you scream so loud that your voice would go hoarse.”  
  


Loki closed his eyes, his hand going into his boxers, his thin dainty fingers wrapping around himself. He moved his hand up and down, slowly, stroking his length almost teasingly. The fabric bustled and moved, static now resonating from his end.  
  


Thor laughed, a stifled moan at the end. “Yeah, you like that?”  
  


“Love it.” He bit his tongue, trying to hold back a yell, the tips of his fingers rubbing the head of his cock. The sensation was unbelievable, sparks of electric pleasure running throughout his body.  
 

He stroked himself faster, pumping stronger. “If I was there with you, I'd straddle you. Ride you until you couldn't take it anymore, until you had to _beg_ me to stop.”  
  


“I would never ask you to stop.” Thor moaned, high, his voice cracking.  
 

And that noise, his voice like that made him get even more turned on, even more hot, even more hard.

He stroked faster however careful to not creak the bed _too_ much. With each frantic movement of his hand, ecstasy filled him.  
 

“Oh, _fuck_ , Loki.” Thor breathed heavy, his name coming out in a moan.  
 

Loki bit down hard on his lip. “Got you all...” A whine escaped from his throat. “Hot and bothered, huh?”  
 

Thor's voice grew steady, the phone closer to his mouth. “Seems like _you're_ the one all hot and bothered.”  
  


“Yes, well...”  
 

He heard footsteps coming closer and closer, the door creaking open, a slither of light shining in. Loki quickly shoved the phone under the pillow, freezing in place, not making the slightest movement. He held onto his erection, paused mid-orgasm.

The door gently closed, metal clicking. She walked away, footsteps no longer heard.

   
He pulled his phone back up to his ear, Thor laughing.   
  


“Almost got caught jacking off by the healers, huh?”  
 

“It's all your fucking fault.” Loki said with a sigh.  
 

Loki pulled his hand out from his pants, the mood ruined. He flickered his eyes open, the room far too dark and uninteresting.  
  


“Have I ever told you that I just _love_ your laugh?” Loki said.  
 

“Have I ever...” Thor yawned loudly. “Excuse me.”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes. “Go to sleep, dork.”  
 

“Dork? What is with all of the name calling?”  
 

“It's 'cause you're a dork.”  
 

“ _Cutie_.” Thor mimicked Loki this time around.  
 

“God, I love y...” Loki sucked in his lips.   
  


He was so close to saying it. So _close_.

Just _why_ couldn't he get the words out?  
 

“What do you love?”  
 

“You know what I love.”  
 

“Do I?”  
 

“Okay, smartass.”  
 

Thor chuckled, yawning again.  
 

“Go to bed. You're tired.”  
 

“I want to keep talking to you.”  
 

“I'll see you in the morning.”  
 

“But, Loki, the morning is... In the morning. It is so far away.”  
 

Loki sighed, rolling over to face the door. “I guess you have a point there.”  
 

“Of course I do.”  
 

There was a long pause. Loki looked at the phone, making sure they were still actually talking.  
Maybe he fell asleep.  
 

“Loki?”  
  


“Yes?”  
 

“I love you.”  
 

“Ditto.”  
 

Thor sleepily laughed. “I'll... see you soon...”  
 

Then Thor fell silent. Yeah, he was asleep.  
  


“Goodnight, Thor.” Loki hung up the phone, carefully placing it under the pillow. He closed his eyes, curling up tightly, trying his hardest to get comfortable.  
 

He pictured that Thor was there with him, his strong arms wrapped around him, imagining the sound of his strong heartbeat in his ear. 

He drifted off into the dark inviting sensation of sleep, everything around him starting to fade away.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 _We want to keep him a few days, for observation_.  
  


Thor remembered the words of the doctor on the phone.  
  


_Days_.  
  


It had been a _week_ since Loki had been put in there. Locked up and not allowed out. And it didn't look like he was leaving anytime soon.

Loki had isolated himself, always staying in his room and never leaving except for when he saw Thor, the only time he'd ever interact with _anyone_. Thor made sure to visit every single day, for as long as he was able, never missing. There from beginning to end.

They would usually cry, kiss, hug. Loki never wanted him to go.

The nurses had to _pry_ him from Thor one day as he screamed and yelled at them, telling them to _fuck off_ and just _let him be with him_.  
 

Loki refused to do anything at the hospital. He refused to go to any of the therapies, group or individual, wither it be fun arts and crafts or boring awkward talk. He refused to go into the kitchen and eat with other people, hardly eating anything anyways.

He refused his medication, to which they held him down and injected it into him after the third day.  
 

It was total and complete hell. He just wanted to be _out_ of there.  
 

And then the day that they started taking away his privileges came... No recreational time, no television, no visitors, even threatening to him with a one on one if he did not leave his room.  
  


He screamed and yelled and threatened them that he was just going to kill himself. That they were making all of his problems worse. That he just needed to be out, and with Thor, who made him happy.  
  


The only reason he wanted to live.  
 

And so, he spent the night in a small white room, with locked doors and no windows. There was a small bathroom with a sink and a toilet, and a barely big enough bed.

This was called the "quiet room". He felt like a caged animal.

Loki hid his phone before leaving to the room, protecting it with his life. That was his last connection to Thor, and he'd be damned if he was going to lose it that easily.  
 

The next day, Loki feels like he's on the verge of having a meltdown. His whole body is trembling, in a cold sweat, he's uncontrollably crying. He had managed to break the button off of his jeans, and with the small nail-like part, he was going to scrape up his arm.

Scrape it up until it was bleeding and bruised and hurt like _hell_.  
  


He pulled out his phone, turning it on. The battery was low, almost too low to make a call. But, he dialed for Thor regardless.   
  


“I can't take this anymore.” Loki said in a frantic panic.  
 

“I can't take this anymore, Thor. I _can't_.” He repeated, staring at the metal button in competition.   
 

“Loki, breathe.” Thor said, his voice calm and soothing.  
 

Loki took in a deep breath, his chest puffing out. He let it out through his nostrils. 

  
“I took apart the button from my jeans, and now it's sitting next to me, and I just want to so badly cut up my arm. But, I don't want to. Because I want to be healthy and happy.”  
 

“Loki, give that to the healers. _Please_. Do not hurt yourself with it.”  
 

Loki glared at the little sharp metal object, picking it up with a hand, examining it closely. He didn't want to hurt himself.

He blinked his eyes, his eyelashes wet, tears running down his cheeks. 

“I can't...”  
  


He set down the phone, facing the underneath of his forearm upwards, opposite from the arm that had once contained the stitches, being removed at this point. He pressed the object into his arm, sliding it across with force. A thin slice.

Small bubbles of blood formed; sticky, relaxing, soothing.  
  


“Loki!” Thor yelled, trying to regain his attention.  
  


But Loki was gone. Too far gone in what he was doing to pay him any more mind.

He attacked his arm, sobbing. It hurt. Emotionally more than psychically.

Each cut was like an insult. Like a major set back in all the progress he had made. Like he was going back to his old ways, how he was before he met Thor. He gawked at his wrist, having a mental argument with that area of his body.   
  


_Do it_.  
 

 _You know you want to, do it_.

 

Loki's door had already been cracked open, doctors denying him to close it after he threatened to kill himself. A nurse came around to check in on him, checking about every ten minutes or so.

She saw him crumpled on the floor, his arm outstretched, a bleeding mess, the phone placed to the side of him, Thor still desperately trying to get his attention.  
 

“Loki...” She sighed.

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

Five more days had passed. He had been restrained, threatened with tranquilizer darts if he didn't behave. He had been put into the back “quiet room” once again to calm down, where he had just banged his head against the wall until he bled.

He felt awful. He hated himself again, not that he had ever stopped. He just so badly wanted to be with Thor.

  
It was _tearing_ him _apart_.

 And that alone was just terrifying to him, that being away from him made such an impact. That he couldn't function without his presence. He often questioned why he felt so strongly connected to him, wondering about plenty of things regarding them. It was as if he had no common sense anymore. No sense of who he really was.  
  


Who was he?

A depressed, mopey, young man? An uncertain, lost, artist? A trickster?  
  


Wait, what, a trickster?  
 

Loki paced around his room, chewing on his lip, trying to decide if he should go and finally leave his room, or not. A nurse peered in from outside the door, watching him walk around.

  
She cleared her throat. “It's time for group therapy.”  
 

He paused, standing stock still, staring her down.

This was his chance.

 _  
Breathe._ He reminded himself.

  
He walked over to her, stepping foot outside of his room, outside of his small comfort zone. He walked by her side, down the long white halls. He passed by other patients who roamed down the halls, some with blankets draped over their backs, others mumbling nonsense to themselves. They reached a room with chairs formed in a circle, a fireplace against the wall. People sat in the chairs, legs crossed,a younger looking male in the corner rocking back and forth slowly, something Loki use to do out of anxiety as well in the past.  
  


Loki took a seat, picking the chair that looked most comfortable. And quite frankly, none of them really did.  
 

“Let's start off group today with introductions, hm? I see a few new faces." A psychologist said, his hair grey and slicked back, and his printed vest not matching well with his blue dress shirt.

  
"Who would like to go first? You can say your name and what brought you here, if you'd like."   
 

A man spoke up, running a hand through his short dark blonde hair. "I'm Clint. Here for depression."  
 

And then the next person spoke, going around the circle, counter clockwise.   
 

"Peter. Anxiety and depression."   
 

"My name is Steve... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." The man had a distant look in his blue-green eyes, his posture slumped. Loki gazed at him for quite possibly too long - he seemed very familiar, as if someone had mentioned his name before, had told him all about his life story.  
  
He shook his head, paying attention to the rest of the other patients. 

"Natasha. I'm here because I tried overdosing."  
  


"I am Darcy. I have an eating disorder."  
 

Now, everyone was focused on Loki, and he felt his leg start to shake. "I'm Loki, I uh... cut too deep, I guess."   
  


"Do we want to go over group rules or is everyone familiar with them?"   
 

No response.  
 

"Seems we're all familiar. Just remember, no interrupting, and what is said in group stays in group."   
 

Loki still dreaded therapy. He just never found it helpful, stressing him out even further in the end. Despite being in the hospital many times before, forced to participate in this vile treatment, he never accepted it, never wanted the help. 

He did want help now but refused to believe talking out his problems would "cure" him of anything.   
 

The psychologist cleared his throat. “Is there anything anyone would like to talk about? Something anyone has on their mind?”  
 

Loki bit his nail. True, he always had things wandering through his mind. But, would he share it with strangers? No one would judge, he believed that. Everyone was here for their own tough shit so they would hardly care about his stuff.

He thought, long and hard.

“I just want to get out of here so I can see my boyfriend again. And it's terrifying me how dependent I am on him.” He said shakily, twiddling his fingers.  
  


The psychologist made note in his clipboard, flipping through a large stack of papers. “What is it that scares you?”  
  


Loki shrugged. “I just feel like I use to be independent, I guess. Or rather, didn't care about anyone. It's just... What if he does leave me some day? What am I going to do with myself then? I don't want to end up here  _again_.”  
 

"Do you think this type of relationship is helpful for you? Or, is it maybe worse for your health?"  
 

 "I mean, it is good. I've been happy. I just feel..." Loki paused.  
 

The images of Thor he saw in his mind, the pictures depicted... Why was he always wearing a cape? A silver helmet? A hammer similar to the one on the necklace?  
  


"I don't know. I'm just really lost. It's like I have no idea who I am anymore. Maybe I just really miss him."  
 

"Does he come to visit you?"   
 

“Not in six days now. They took away my ability to see anyone."  
 

"Do you think that is what's bothering you? That your independence has been taken away because of that, as you expressed you felt like that?"   
 

"Maybe..." Loki pondered, glancing downwards. He still felt quite odd, as if that weren't the reason.   
  


He came to a speculation that every man he'd been with before Thor, they all resembled him in some sense. Long beach-boy hair, tan skin, muscular. 

He didn't know if that was just his taste or if there was more significance to that.    
  


At least one thing they didn't have in common with him was compassion. They were all just using him, taking advantage of his fragile state. He had refused to expose his body to them at first as well until they threatened and nearly forced him to go through with it.   
  


Loki rearranged himself, sliding his legs up into the chair, tugging them into his chest. He wrapped his arms around them, resting his head on his knees. “I just... I don't know. I just want to see him again.”  
  


“There's visitation today. I'll try talking to your doctor and see what I can do.” He said with a gentle, warm smile.  
 

Loki's face brightened up. “Really, you could do that? That would be amazing.”  
 

The rest of group was a mix of short conversations coupled with unbearable silence. 

Clint briefly expressed that he had become so caught up in his depression that he wouldn't leave his house for days at a time, quitting his job even. 

Natasha, or Nat as she liked to be called, talked about how her overdose affected all her friends and family. She had not realized how much of an effect it would have on everyone.

Darcy spoke of her Anorexia, how the emotions were complex. She desired recovery yet she did not want to give the disease up, claiming it to be her best friend.   
  


Loki listened to each person speak, relating deeply. He use to not leave his apartment, curled up inside all day, calling in to work sick as an excuse. He never realized how much his death could affect those around him, in the sense that he would have never met Thor, never met some of the people he had. He too wanted to get better yet basked in the moments of despair, where he felt most comfortable. It _was_ like a friend to him, something he could rely on when he had not a clue where to go.  
  


A nurse escorted Loki back to his room once the session had ended, not being allowed into the day rooms currently, being on strict supervision.   
 

He sat down on the bed, fiddling with his sleeve.  
 

Why was he so connected to Thor, he just kept repeating over and over in his mind. There was an aspect to him that made him seem like they'd known each other for years, hundreds of years. Like they had grown together.  
  


_Why did you not come sooner_... 

  

He closed his eyes, Thor's smile radiating in his mind.

 

 _You might see him today. You don't need to figure this all out right now,_ He told himself.

 

_It'll be okay._

 

He laid down, his head dropping onto the pillow, sinking into the plastic. He took a long, deep breath. He felt himself start to drift off. Sleep was better than dealing with reality, he supposed.

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

“Loki.”  
  


His eyes fluttered open, the bright overhead lights of the room giving him an instant headache. He gazed up, a nurse standing over him with a wrinkled piece of paper in her hands.  
 

“I'm sorry to wake you. But, you have a visitor.” She said with a grin.  
 

"What?" Loki said in a sleepy haze. "No I don't."  
 

"You do. He's waiting for you right now."  
 

"Wait... Really?" He looked at her with a growing smile.  
 

He had thought he might cry. He honestly was excited to see Thor despite the confusion surrounding their relationship, in general, wither they had been friends or more, just knowing him.

  
They left his room, walking down the hallway until they reached the kitchen area. The sparse amounts of tables were full, other patients sitting around with loved ones, chattering. Among the people, he saw Thor, sticking out quite obviously, catching each other's gaze. 

He quickly shuffled over to him, both catching each other in a tight embrace. Thor was his anchor, he just had to accept that. And of course, Thor did not mind this. He would always be there for Loki, through the tough, the worst, and the best.   
  


“I missed you so fucking badly.” Loki breathed, digging his dull nails into the fabric of his shirt. When he was with Thor, he felt as if he were at home. Thor  _was_ his  _home_.  
  


“I am getting you out of here, today.” Thor said, husked. He kissed the top of Loki's head.  
 

“How do you even think you're gonna do that?” Loki looked at him. “I know, you promised. But, all the doors are locked. You _can't_ get me out. It's illegal.”  
 

“I have my ways.” Thor reached into his pocket, mischievously looking around the room. He slid out a small white card with a picture of an employee on it from his pocket, grinning.  
 

Loki stifled a laugh. Oh, this man was far crazier than he was.  
 

"So you have some idiotic plan, huh?"  
  


Thor nodded. "Of course. Why would I not?"  
 

Yes, he had a plan, and yes it was very idiotic. He wasn't even sure himself if it would work.

He hoped with every part of his soul that the Norns would be on his side today.  
 

"I will explain it to you later." He kissed him on the cheek. “Go back to your chambers. I will be there shortly.”  
 

He walked back over over to the brown entrance door to the room, speaking with a nurse. She escorted him from the room and down the building. He watched him leave as the door shut loudly behind them, seeing his figure pass by the glass window.

 

_He's really going to do this. He's insane._

 

A nurse shortly came by to escort Loki back to his room, assuring that he felt alright, was not a harm to himself. She made him promise that he did not feel in danger and allowed him to be by himself without constant watch as long as his door remained open. 

  
He gingerly twirled his hair between his fingers, pacing around nervously.

There were so many things wrong with this, despite not knowing the full plan. He knew he was going to pose as a nurse, but then what? They could get caught, they could get put in jail, they could keep Loki even longer, send him to a state hospital where he could be locked up for years.

Who knows what would happen if they were caught?

 

_You use to do this all the time with him, tricking everyone._

 

"No I didn't..." Loki responded to himself, out loud.

 

_**Knock** _

 

Loki halted in his tracks, his anxiety bursting through his every pore. Standing outside of the door was a certain blonde-haired idiot, dressed in dark blue hospital scrubs, a white face mask worn to conceal his identity, which was quite hard considering you'd remember someone that tall.

  
He held a stack of white papers in his hand, flipping through each one, making sure he had everything required, not that he had a clue of what he was doing. He had been watching nurses previously, determining what he needed to do, but still, was quite confused. And on top of that, it had been quite troublesome to gather all of the documents, sneaking into a doctor's office.  
  


"Good god, you almost gave me a heart attack." Loki laughed as Thor stepped into the room, holding the shoulder bag he had brought in as well as Loki's phone that they had confiscated. “You're fucking crazy.”   
  


Together they packed away all of his clothing and books into the book bag, removing each article of fabric from the dresser, placing the phone inside as well. 

“I know. I should be in one of these 'coo-coo huts' as well.”  
  


Loki took the bag from Thor, slinging it over his shoulder.

   
“Let's go.” Thor said, determined.  
 

He peered his head out from Loki's room, looking down the hallways. He had not a clue where to go first. He watched as nurses walked down the long hallways, turning right, disappearing behind closed doors.

He followed their paths, Loki sticking closely by his side. There were no signs to read, no indications of where to go next.

He had no damn clue what he was doing, and this was evident to Loki.  
  


Once they reached a locked door, Thor scanned the card from earlier that he had stolen, the door jolting open with a low beep.

They proceeded to venture down the halls behind other shuffling nurses, both terrified.  
 

This was a stupid risky idea, but, Thor was stupid and liked to do risky things. He'd do anything stupid and risky if it was for Loki.  
  


After a few minutes of mindlessly walking, Thor was stopped, a lady behind a desk calling for him. She impatiently tapped her painted nails against the wooden counter, standing up from her desk chair.  
  


He looked at her, worry in his eyes.  
 

“I need his discharge papers.” She said with little to no interest in her voice, admiring her orange manicure.   
 

“Sure.” Thor flipped through the stack of papers, trying to figure out _which_ ones were the discharge papers exactly.

He pulled out a bright yellow paper, clearly reading **Discharge** on the top. He set it down, holding his breath.

  
She grabbed it, sighing, looking at him. “Don't screw around with me. This hasn't been signed yet.”

  
Thor gulped.

 

 _Shit_.

  

He panicked. What was he going to do? He didn't know how to sign that. And, they'd probably figure it out sooner or later. Oh god, what was he to do--

  
A tall man with a long white coat next to him snatched up the paper, signing it quickly, handing it back to her.   
“He's good.” He said plainly, voice familiar.

  
They turned their heads in unison, looking at each other then the man. They _knew_ that voice.

  
“Selvig?” Loki asked questioningly.  
 

He looked at Loki, a warm smile on his face. He adjusted his tie, walking towards a large set of brown doors with small glass windows. He hit a button on the wall, the doors opening slowly.

“I'll walk them both out.” He said, leading them in the _right_ direction.  
 

They trailed behind, shocked. This definitely was not part of Thor's plan.  
 

His plan was to just sneak Loki out and pray they'd never find out he was a fake. They never expected _this_. And of course, they never expected him to actually help them with a devious ploy like this.

They walked out into the nearly empty intake room, the sun shining through the large glass windows. Erik turned around, clamping his hands on either of their shoulders.

  
He cleared his throat, eyes locking with Thor. “I'm doing this only because I know he's in good hands.”  
  


“Thank you, Selvig.”   
 

“Now please, keep him safe. I don't want to see you two ever again.”  
 

“I promise, you won't.” Loki said with a nod.  
 

“Good.”

 

 

……

 

 

The door to their apartment swung open, the both of them walking in tiredly. The sky was already growing dark, time having ticked away. Thor shut the door behind them gently, pulling a cold refreshing beer out from the refrigerator.

He still detested to Loki drinking with his medication, not that he even did drink much, the drinks being more for Thor's own purpose.   
  


Loki walked over to the sofa, laying down with his legs stretched out, arm hanging off the side. "Well, that was something."   
  


Thor sat down on the end of the couch, Loki putting his legs across his lap. Thor leaned back and relaxed, sipping on the alcoholic beverage, the taste rich and sharp in his mouth. “But, it worked, did it not?”  
  


“Yeah, only by fate.” Loki sighed.  
 

"The things I do for you." Thor leaned his head against the wall, laughing.  
 

"I didn't say you had to."   
 

"You did. You asked me to get you out of there."  
 

"Yeah well, you didn't  _have_ to agree to it."   
 

"It was not a complaint. What is life without a bit of excitement, yes?"  
 

Loki rolled his eyes, smiling. "Yeah, sure."   
 

"May I say one last thing?" Thor inquired.   
 

"Why are you asking for my permission?"   
 

Thor shrugged, placing the glass bottle down on the coffee table. He moved the other man's feet off of him, instead opting to lean over him, knees on either side of his body, hands by his head. Thankfully they had gotten a new couch, much bigger than the other.   
  


"I love you."   
 

"I should have been expecting that." Loki said with a chuckle as Thor kissed him, brushing his hair away from his face.  
 

"Do you feel the same way?" Thor gingerly asked.   
 

"You know I do." Loki replied with a nod. "Very much."   
 

"How much?"  
 

"Far too much."   
 

"May I say it again?"  
 

Loki tried his hardest to not grin. "You can say it a million times. I'll never get tired of hearing it."  
 

Thor kissed his forehead. "I love you, Loki."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Sweet Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know I would never judge you.” Thor pulled Loki back closer to the side of the couch, kissing the top of his hand.
> 
> “But, you have judged me.” Loki said coldly, forcing his hand away from Thor's grasp. “I could see it in your eyes, when we first met, how much you despised of my scars. You thought I was disgusting.”
> 
> Thor's brows lowered. “I have never thought you were disgusting, Loki. I would never think of you in such a way. I was angry at myself for not coming sooner.”
> 
> “Yeah?” Loki crossed his arms. “What about when you grabbed my arm and said 'Who does that', huh? That was just because you were 'angry at yourself' ?”
> 
> “Loki, please, I love you... You are so precious to--”
> 
> “Oh God, none of that bullshit! You've been judging me all this time. You've just been trying to change me, trying to make me what you want, that's why you won't tell me the fucking truth.”
> 
> “Loki, what the Hel are you going on about?”
> 
> Loki rolled his eyes, scoffing. “Goodnight, Thor.”

 

Loki peered up from his book, the contents being something regarding magic and spell constructing, of course.

He batted his eyelashes, trying to move the loose strands of black hair that obstructed his vision.  
  


Thor walked into Loki's quiet prison cell, the walls a bright white, all of the furnishings in the room neat and perfectly in place. In the cell stood a tall wooden bookshelf that was stuffed tightly, full of all sorts of books, some small, some thick, all of the spines being a different color.

In the corner of the room rested a small bed, a mound of green and black quilts laying on top of white sheets.  
  


Thor balanced a glistening silver plate in one hand, a golden book in the other. He smiled a great wide grin, his baby blue eyes twinkling.  
  


Everyday he would come and pay Loki a visit, always with a new book for him to read, per his request.

He didn't mind being in prison as much when he could sit and read all day, not that he didn't do that _before_ anyways.

 

“I thought you would enjoy cooked Boar tonight. I know it is your favorite.”

He set the metal platter down next to the content God along with the reading material, settling himself on the petite, but neatly arranged bed.  
 

“You do know me best.”  
 

Loki set down his book, bending the tip of the page to mark his place. He examined the new one Thor had brought, tracing his fingers over the smooth cover, the skin of his fingertips gliding over the textured indents of the embossed title.  
 

The smell of the meat started to waft in the room, bringing his senses to a pleased state, but leaving his mouth in a watery mess. The scent was savory, smelling most delightful. He did love cooked Boar, one of the finest delicacies of Asgard.  
 

Thor yawned, stretching his muscular arms behind him as he laid across the mattress, stretching his long legs out, feet nestled in the mass of quilts.  
 

“Comfortable there?” Loki stifled a chuckle as he eagerly picked up the butter knife, jamming it into the thick piece of meat.  
 

“I think I may sleep, if you do not mind, brother.” Thor's eyes fluttered shut before the last of his words even left his mouth, sleep sounding like a wonderful, and better, ordeal.  
 

“Fine by me. You _were_ always boring.” Loki said teasingly, biting a piece of the meat off of his fork.

It melted in his mouth, his tongue feeling as if it were in Valhalla, absolutely delicious.  
 

“Yes, yes...” Thor drifted off, losing himself to sleep.  
 

Loki glanced at him. He looked at ease, peaceful.

Serene.

 

 _It would be a shame if_... 

 

Loki set the fork down, scooting the platter away from him, the metal scratching against the marble flooring. He glanced to his side, a small dagger with a sharp silver blade laying beside his book - and he gave the question of where did it possibly come from no further mind - catching his attention.  
 

As if it were screaming for him, calling his name, _demanding_ his attention.  
 

 _Loki..._ it whispered.  
 

He looked around the room in suspicion. The Guards, his _Father,_ they were trying to tempt him, trying to set him up. They knew he wouldn't be able to resist the temptation of such a fine blade, in such a quiet room, with no one other than his _brother_.  
 

But, when he looked around and saw no one else, when no one was standing outside his cell watching him like a caged animal, his mind started to think otherwise. Maybe this weren't a trick, or a test after all. Maybe this was just a nice chance of fate.  
 

He reached his arm out, slender fingers wrapping around the firm handle of the blade, the weapon feeling just so _right_ in his grasp.  
 

He examined it over, running a finger across the flat of the silver, the metal reflecting in the light.

It was smooth, cold...  
 

 _Deadly_.  
 

He stood up, his footsteps loud, boots creaking, disturbing the comfortable growing silence.  
 

He crept over towards the unaware God of Thunder, closer and closer to approaching Thor, until he was standing above him, lowering his arm, the blade in close contact with his _brother_ 's neck.  
 

The blade hissed against his skin, the bite of it ice cold, breaking the tranquility in the air.

He pressed it gently against the warmth of his flesh, a thin layer of blood dripping down, his Adam's apple acting as a mountain for the small river of crimson, red against silver.  
 

He glanced downwards at the blade, his own reflection staring back, the madness in his eyes unsettling. The look of a crazed man meeting his gaze.  
 

He gasped, the realization that he in fact _was_ a crazed man, that the mad man staring back at him, locking eyes with him, was indeed, himself, hit him. The dagger slipped from his grasp, his hands shaking with a new found sense of fear and confusion and doubt.  
 

The dagger fell down, and the whole scene played in slow motion for Loki, like a clip of a very suspenseful movie. The edge of the weapon dug into Thor's neck, much deeper than even he desired, a smooth clean slice through the jugular. Thor's eyes shot open, the gaping wound in his neck now pouring out thick, dark blood.  
 

“Loki... How could you do this?”  
 

He held tightly onto the wound, applying all the pressure he could muster, but to no avail. The blood seeped in between his fingers, coating them in sticky crimson liquids.  
 

“How could you do this to me?” He repeated, the sparkle in his eye starting to fade, the blue looking more and more washed out as the seconds quickly passed by.  
 

Loki trembled, covering his mouth with both of his hands. His lip quivered, the numb feeling of fear consuming him, his body stock still, and mind racing furiously.  
 

“I...” Loki stuttered over his words.  
 

He didn't know what to say.  
 

He didn't know what he _could_ say.  
 

He had just killed his brother.

  

Thor.

 

He had just _killed_ _Thor_.

 

Loki looked around, the cell growing seemingly darker, everything dim and dull and help seeming so far out of his reach.  
 

“Guards!” He screamed as loud as he possibly could, his throat burning, voice growing hoarse.

He didn't know what to do.  
 

He didn't know what he _could_ do.  
 

There was nothing he could do besides sit there and watch his brother suffer and die in agony - a sad, slow, painful death.  
 

Tears started to trail down his cheeks, his throat closing up, the realization of the situation hitting him in the face like a bag of bricks.

 

 

 

 

 

Loki stirred awake, tears in the corners of his eyes, screaming out for help. He looked around; he was still in the apartment, everything was still the same, Thor still by his side. He stared at him, eyes wide, body trembling, shaking. He held his breath, waiting for Thor to move, breath, _anything_.  
 

He whimpered, lip quivering, body un-still, still feeling as if he were in a dream-like state. He cried out again, yelling for help, for the Guards, for _anybody_ to pay attention to him. He was suffering, why could no one see that? Why would no one notice him?  
 

He dug his fingernails into the roots of his hair, scraping into his scalp, pushing himself to sit up. Faint amounts of blood formed around the crescent shaped marks on his head, the tips of his nails becoming coated in light red.  
 

He pulled his knees into his chest as he started to lose control of his breath, hyperventilating as the tears fell down his face, hot on his skin.  
 

“God...” He cried, hushed, in a tone almost inaudible. “Help me...”  
 

Thor's eyes fluttered open as he stirred awake, turning his head to look at the shaking, crying, loudly gasping for air, Loki. Sound was still muffled in his ears, his mind groggy, eyes tired and heavy. It took him a long moment to process what was happening in front of him, and a minute longer to react to it.  
 

“God, help me!” Loki repeated, louder. He felt dizzy, like the world was turning at a thousand miles per hour, as if he were going to lose consciousness. Each racing breath he took was ragged, his chest puffing with every inhale.  
 

Thor shook his head, eyes blinking. “Loki?”  
 

Loki froze, holding his breath, hands sliding out from the strands of his dark hair.  

  
Thor's voice was piercing, like a firework shooting off. It was both the best thing to hear, and the worse, for it made him get into a further panicked state, anxiety overwhelming him, taking over his whole body, consuming his thoughts.  
  


“T...Thor...” Loki stuttered, craning his neck timidly. He could faintly see him, the moon shining in through the blinds on the windows, illuminating the outline of his face.  
 

“Breathe.” Thor spoke calmly as he sat up. He extended an arm, rubbing the small of his back in an attempt to be comforting.

But quite frankly, he didn't know what to do in this situation. Last time Loki had experienced something like this, a, what did he label it? 

A panic attack?  
 

He solely just held Loki and then he calmed himself down on his own.  
 

Loki had always been the one to be cool, calm... collected. _He_ was the one to always have his shit composed, meanwhile Thor would be the one acting on his emotions.

Thor would become visibly angered while Loki would put into words what was going on through his head, sometimes resulting in hurtful words but nonetheless, much better than Thor's reaction of destroying whatever was nearby.   
 

This was still new for Thor, seeing Loki in these states.  
 

It was actually a bit refreshing to see him like this - showing his true colors and not bottling them all inside and letting them out through chaos, in this case, self destruction.  
 

Loki pulled away, jolting upwards in retaliation. He rushed out of the room, struggling to unlock the front door in a scared haste, his sweaty fingers slipping from the bronze lock. He twisted the doorknob, door flying open as he ran out into the corridors. He dashed down the many flights of stairs, running, sprinting, his body being pushed to its limits, until he reached the open, nearly empty streets.  
 

He ran down the sidewalk, the scattered bits of snow on the pavement cool and the concrete rough against the soles of his feet. Tears kept falling down his cheeks, warm on his chilled face. He kept moving, panting, his breath visible in the air, until his body wouldn't let him go anymore, his knees giving out, legs going completely limp. He buckled, collapsing almost, bending over in agony and struggling to catch a good breath. He rested his head in his lap.  
 

“I didn't mean to...” He cried out, heart racing like a hummingbird, pounding in his ears.  
 

Thor ran down the streets after him, seeing Loki sitting off in the distance, all curled up in a little ball. He hurriedly made his way down to the much distressed man, snow crunching under his steps, the air bitter against his tan skin. In his arms he held a dark green blanket, it was bunched up and wrinkled, but he knew that Loki would need it.  
 

“Loki!” He yelled.  
 

He stood behind him, hunched over with a hand to the knee, breathing in deeply, trying to catch his own breath. His breath left him in hot puffs of air, evaporating into the night sky. He wasn't expecting to have to chase down Loki in the middle of the night. Hell, he wasn't expecting _any_ of this.  
 

Sure, he had just recently returned home from the hospital, and he was aware he would not be in the best state of mind. But, regardless, this had still caught him off guard.  
 

He wrapped the blanket around the smaller man's shivering shoulders, kneeling down beside him on one knee, bare skin pressing into a patch of snow. He wrapped a strong arm around him, pulling him in close, protectively. He brushed away the long strands of frizzed, messy hair covering his face, kissing his cheek. He rubbed his hand up and down his arm in a somewhat soothing manner, trying to transport his body heat to Loki as much as he possibly could.  
 

“You're okay.” Thor said quietly, kissing Loki on the top of his head. “You're okay, Loki.”  
 

“I didn't mean to.” Loki repeated, not responding back to Thor, as if he were in a trance. After a long moment, Loki opened his tightly clenched eyes, turning his head away from his lap, peering up. Everything was foggy and hazy and so unreal.  
 

He winced as Thor's face slowly came into focus, the godawful visuals of his dream flashing before his eyes. He could see the blood dripping down his neck, his hands covered, the deadly tool laying on the floor next to him.  
 

It was all so overwhelming, and he gasped as his eyes widened, the blood kept continuously flowing down, the wound in his neck getting seemingly bigger after each second that passed by.  
 

“I didn't mean to!” Loki screamed, his voice echoing in the silence of the twilight, a flock of birds scattering from a near-by tree.  
 

Thor pulled Loki's head into his chest, hands traveling across his body above the blanket.  
 

“Shhhh...” Thor hummed out as his fingers found their way back up to his scalp and danced through his hair. “You're okay.”  
 

“Don't hate me.” Loki sobbed out, muffled. His body started to rock in attempt to calm himself down, a defense mechanism. Thor naturally swayed with him, his grip around him tight and secure, like he was a shield around him from all things bad and evil.  
 

“I would never _ever_ hate you.” Thor said, their bodies ever-so-slightly moving back and forth, together.  
 

“I'm so sorry.”  
 

Loki pulled his head away from Thor's chest, rubbing his wet eyes with the back of his hand. He blinked once more, observing the other man's face, his gaze captured by those sparkling, absolutely breath taking blue eyes. Those eyes that still had life in them, that still shun and glowed, that belonged to Thor. The man that was _still alive_.  
 

And, he really was still alive. Still _breathing_. Loki kept trying to remind himself that, trying to hammer it into his mind that he didn't actually kill him.  
 

 _It was only a dream,_ he kept repeating in his head, over and over again, on a loop.  
 

“Breathe.” Loki said out-loud, raising his hand as he inhaled deeply through his nostrils. He held it in for a few seconds too long, letting his breath out, trying to flush out all of his worries with a loud huff.  
 

He bit his lip in embarrassment, gingerly reverting his gaze from Thor. He felt stupid, absolutely moronic, for getting so worked up over some dumb nightmare.  
 

And some nightmare that wasn't even plausible. I mean, prison cells, palaces, Thor as his _brother_?

It was all poppycock. He knew that.  
 

But still, the images were burnt into the back of his skull and he couldn't stop replaying the memories of Thor dying. The thoughts of Loki being useless, helpless, just sitting there and allowing Thor to die like that. It still _scared_ him. Hell, it fucking _terrified_ him. He questioned why he had remembered this particular dream so vividly as they all seemed to fade.  
 

And he didn't know what actually scared him more, the fact that Thor had died in his dreams, or the idea that he was so afraid of him dying because he had such deep emotions for him.  
 

His emotions took over his sensibility now, and they controlled him with a harness, guiding him based on how _they_ wanted to, acting on their own terms.  
 

Thor snapped his fingers, brows low and mouth gaped slightly. Thor was dearly and ever so sincerely concerned about him. Loki had been getting a lot of these nightmares, hell, he was getting strange dreams almost every night. But, they'd never gotten this out of control. Never _this_ bad. And he didn't know what was causing them. He didn't know if it was Loki regaining his memory in an awful, cruel way, or if it was just the stress breaking through.  
 

“Loki, you were not answering me. Please, look at me.”  
 

Their eyes locked.  
 

“It should have been me.” he said with a darkness in his voice. “I should have died.”  
 

Thor looked around, brows furrowing together in confusion and, he didn't have any clue how to react to that. He was wondering what Loki had dreamt, but more so, where did this coldness suddenly come from? This heavy, evil almost, tone of voice, and him saying he wanted to die...  
 

“Loki, your dream, it was only a dream. It was nothing more than a picture illusion, pure fantasy. Nothing bad happened nor will it ever.” Thor reassured, nodding his head, trying to believe those last words himself.  
 

Loki's head jerked, his hair falling back into his face, casting a dark shadow around his green eyes. There was a venom in his look, madness brewing in a storm cloud in that brain of his. The hysteria was visible from a mile away.  
 

“You died, and it should have been me.” Loki snickered, shaking his head. “It should have been me in the first place.”  
 

Thor felt shocked, surprised. So _that's_ what his dream was about? He was dreaming of _him_ dying? He felt a new found sense of compassion for Loki, gaining a bit more understanding of why he was acting so dramatically, but also the tremble of terror surfing through his body. Why the fuck was he dreaming about him _dying_?  
 

“Loki, I am not dead. I am still here.” He held his hand up, pinching his skin lightly. “See? No one needs to die.”  
 

“I do.” Loki said matter-of-factly in a hushed tone, without missing a beat. “I need to die.”  
 

Thor shook his head. “No. You need to _live_.”  
 

Loki looked Thor straight in the eyes, and with the smuggest face, little expression showing through that facade of his, his mouth opened. “Kill me.”  
  


Thor just stared at him, silent. His expression, his words, everything in this exact moment reminded him of when he first found Loki, in the hospital. When he was screaming, begging him, to kill him, to just end him then and there.  
 

He didn't like it one bit, this scene too reminiscent of what was a scary as _Hell_ time for Thor, finding his brother like that, in such an awful mindset. He didn't want Loki going back there, not after all the _good_ things they'd been through.  
 

After the words had left his mouth, the air grew stale, and the silence between them grew tense and just so _damn_ awkward.  
 

The minutes passed by painfully slow, neither of them speaking a word, giving Loki enough time to cool down and come to the realization of his nasty words. He started to comprehend what he had said, almost wondering if he had even heard that right.

Did those words really leave his mouth?  
 

“...I... I didn't mean to say that.” Loki said, almost apologetically.  
 

Thor took Loki's smaller hand into his own, thumb stroking over the top of his palm, his skin smooth but chilling under his touch. “Good. Because I am not killing you, Loki. Not now, not ever.”  
  


“That's good, cause I... really don't want to die.”  
 

Thor kissed his cheek, that feeling of shock still residing within him, coupled with all those others emotions. Those confused and dumbfounded ones, and they all mixed together like a boiling pot of stew, everything stirred in and mushed together in one big bowl. He was overwhelmed, to say the least.  
 

Thor felt like Loki was doing better, that he wasn't still stuck in that deep dark depression, and that he didn't want to die, that he actually _enjoyed_ living.

But, he had thought that before, then Loki ended up in that dreaded hospital for a little over  _three wee_ _ks_.   
 

So, maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was wrong this whole time. Maybe he was being fooled all along, that Loki, his _brother,_  playing yet another sneaky trick on him to try to fool him and make things _seem_ better, when in actuality they weren't.

Maybe he was toxic for Loki, and he needed to leave him alone.

 _Maybe_ , just _maybe_ , reuniting with him was a bad idea after all.  
 

But, those are a whole lot of _maybes_.

Neither true or false.  
 

“Loki?”   
  
They stood up together, slowly, the blanket was still wrapped tightly around Loki's shoulders. Thor pulled Loki in closer to him, his arm still slung around his shivering shoulders.  
 

“Hm?”  
 

“You are not tricking me, yes? This is not a charade, correct?”  
 

Loki bit his lip. Thor knew that that alone was not a good sign.  
 

“Thor, I...” They locked eyes with each other once more. “Let's just go home.”  
 

He started to walk back home at his own pace, fingers digging into the soft fabric of the heavy plush blanket. He kept moving his legs, taking baby steps until his pathway was blocked by, of course, Thor.

He stood, arms crossed, acting as a barricade.  
 

“Thor.” Loki said, impatiently.  
 

“We need to talk, Loki. _Are_ you playing me for a fool?”  
 

“Move.”  
 

He tried to side-step around him, but alas, Thor caught on to his sneakiness and blocked him.

He was getting better at this, but of course, he had many years of practice with his tricks under his belt.  
 

“I will not. We must speak.”  
 

Loki let out a loud huff as he rolled his emerald eyes. He swore he was going to develop grooves in his eyelids soon from all of this eye rolling he had been doing.  
 

“Jesus Christ, Thor. It's freezing out here.”  
 

Thor gave him his sternest look, tapping a finger against his forearm. He wouldn't budge, not one bit.  
 

“Okay, we can talk.” Loki rubbed the temples of his forehead, sighing in annoyance and defeat. “But, inside. Please.”  
 

Thor took a step to the left, no longer standing in Loki's way. “Fine.”  
 

“Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Thor poured a packet of instant hot chocolate into a cup full of warm water, swirling it around and mixing it all together with a small silver spoon. He picked up the mug by the handle, steam sizzling out from the brim, the chocolate thick with little marshmallows scattered around. He carried it carefully over to Loki, making sure not to spill any of the mug's contents.  
 

Loki looked at him with half-lidded eyes, tugging the blanket closer to himself, trying to take in all the warmth, absorbing it. His body shivered uncontrollably, he swore he had been frostbitten.   
 

Ironic, a Frost Giant being Frost Bitten.   
 

Thor handed him the mug as he took a seat beside him, the sofa dipping and creaking.  
 

The room was dark, the television illuminating it with a light blue cast, the audio of the movie that was playing nearly silent.  
 

“Feeling any better?” Thor asked, the concern heavy in his voice. He was still very worried, and of course, albeit confused and shaken from that whole ordeal.  
 

Loki nodded, resting his lips on the brim of the mug, the steam feeling nice as it rose against his nose. He took a small sip of the chocolatey liquids, sweet against his tongue.  
 

“A lot better. I... I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm breaking.”  
 

“There is not a thing wrong with you.” Thor wrapped a strong arm around his shoulders, patting him lightly. He pulled him closer, giving him a smooch to the cheek, leaving Loki to crinkle his nose in disapproval. Thor grinned, shaking his head before the smile faded.   
 

Loki sneered. "Oh, Thor, there is  _so_ much wrong with me. I feel like I'm becoming a completely different person, like someone is trying to play with my every move and is controlling  _me_."   
 

A wave of guilt washed across Thor. 

This was his fault, putting Loki through torment within his own head. Yes, if he had not shown up when he did, he would no longer be here.

But, was it really worth how much he was truly falling apart? That other side, whatever it may be, urging to be released?   
 

He did question daily what would happen if, and when, the true God of Mischief returned. Would he be conscious of the way he felt for Thor, what he expressed, or would he instinctively return to his angst and denial of truth?

Would his powers return even? He had not a clue, and that as well mesmerized him in fear.  
 

“Can we speak about what happened?” Thor swiftly changed the subject, face stern.  
 

Loki nodded, setting down the hot mug on the glass coffee table, fully turning his body to look at him. He pulled his legs up onto the sofa, crossing them one over another.  
 

“Yes.”  
 

“Are you deceiving me? About feeling better?”  
 

Loki chewed on his lip nervously, adverting his gaze towards the nearly silent television, the image of a young woman talking to an older man in a suit distracting him momentarily.  
 

“No... I just... I guess I know where you are coming from, feeling like our...  _this_... isn't going anywhere.”  
 

“What do you mean?”  
 

Loki looked back at Thor as he started to stroke his palms against his thighs, something he started doing recently when he became nervous.  
 

“You're always doing nice things for me, taking care of me when I act like a little bitch, never hesitating to say how much you love me, and... You're this great person, and I'm just here doing nothing. Just being _me_.”  
 

“What is wrong with being you?”  
 

Loki scoffed as his eyes rolled. He crossed his arms, fingernails digging lightly into his skin.

“Oh, where do I even begin.” He started, his head shaking. “Everything. I mean, for fucks sake, I'm too much of a pansy to even let you touch me. We've been together for... I don't even know anymore. I've known you for almost half a year now, if not more.”  
 

“It does not bother me. There is no need to rush such things.”  
 

He snickered, his nostrils flaring with a huff of air. “Remember your little hissy fit? And, oh God, that way you look at me when I deny going any further, whenever I reject your sentiment.”  
 

“Does it bother _you_?” Thor asked, ignoring Loki's demeaning response.  
 

“I mean... Of course it does. I feel like I need to be closer with you. Like, every fiber in my being just screams at me to either completely delete you from my life or never let you go. Recently, the connection I've been feeling between us...” He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it nervously. “You just mean so much to me.”  
 

Loki adjusted his sitting position so he was now sat on his knees. He begun to lean in closer to Thor, his face inching nearer towards the blonde man's. His hands slowly moved from his own lap to Thor's, his palms pressing down on his thighs. He observed him momentarily, possibly a moment _too_ long before giving him a soft, gentle peck on the lips.  
 

“I keep questioning if we've met before. Have we..?”  
 

Thor's face started to grow warm, his cheeks the faintest color of pink, which Loki thought was way too cute.

He swallowed, rather loudly, before reciprocating the kiss as he took Loki's hands into his own, holding onto them gently, like he was a precious doll that would break within any second.

“Truthfully?”

  

_Do not._

 

_Do not say it._

 

_Don't.  
  
_

"I do not recall."  
 

"You always assume I'm hiding things from you. I feel like you're hiding so much from me."   
  


"I am not." his voice wavered ever-so-slightly.   
 

Loki rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that sounded confident."   
 

"Loki, I..." Ah shit, he was  _stuttering_ over his words now. "I am not, I promise you that."  
 

"Why won't you just tell me?" Loki questioned with a near innocent look in his eyes.   
 

"...You are not ready."  
 

"Ready for what?" he asked hastily. "What, are you like an alien or something?"  
 

Thor didn't respond. He had no idea how to. 

Loki was doubting Thor's own charade, seeing through his inconsistent bluffs.

But, he knew Loki wasn't ready to know the truth. _He_ wasn't ready to see what would happen, not yet.   
 

"Have you been fucking with me all this time? Are you even who you say you are?"  
 

"I am me. I am truthful. One day, Loki, you will know everything you desire. It is too soon right now."  
 

Loki peered downwards. "It's hard to believe you. Hey, I know I lie about stuff but... Whatever."  
 

Thor let go of Loki's grasp as he let his hand travel up Loki's chest, trailing his neck and then stopping to cup his cheek, taking his soft, delicate face into his touch, fingers rough yet he wouldn't want it otherwise.

He admired him, looking at him closely, taking in every little detail on him.

He loved everything about him, from his beautiful emerald eyes to his tiny, perfectly shaped nose to his plump pink lips. He was so dear to him that he would never want to purposely hurt him, not again.   
  


He had always thought the other man to be perfect, ever since they were children.   
 

Loki _was_ perfect.  _Is_ perfect.  
 

With all of his many flaws, he was flawless. He was impeccable just the way he was, just the way he was being _Loki_. He'd never wish for him to change, not one bit. And, he'd never wish for anyone to ever replace him. 

Yet, if he was replaced, he did have doubts that it would change him fully. He would still be Loki.

Deep down he would have to love him, right? Could the heart change that rapidly?   
 

Thor raised his other hand to push the heavy blanket from Loki's shoulders, the large piece of cloth falling to the floor with a loud thwump.  
 

He gazed down at his bare arms, Loki wearing a short sleeved band t-shirt, not well suited for the cold weather, one might say. He trailed his finger down Loki's pale, bumpy skin, drawing goosebumps from under his touch.  
 

“I am sorry Loki, for everything I have ever done. Please trust me and know that I only mean well."  
 

"...I do trust you, more than I have anyone. I just..." he paused with a shaky breath, "Am I a monster?"  
 

Thor's eyes widened. "What do you mean by that?"  
 

" _What am I_?"   
 

Thor hesitated. "You are perfect."  
 

“Thor, please... Enough with this flattery. That is not what I meant.” Loki sighed. "Chance didn't just bring us together. You already knew me. I assume I already know you."  
 

Thor swallowed, hard, giving in. "I do know you, yes."  
  


Loki's expression became puzzled rather than something of shock. "Why don't I remember you?"  
 

"I can not tell."  
 

"Thor,  _please_." Loki nearly begged.   
 

"Not yet." He gingerly kissed him once again. "I have always cherished you."  
 

"Did I like you?"   
 

"I am unsure."   
 

"Do I have amnesia? Is anything real?" Loki looked distraught, his sense of realism crashing down on him.  
 

"I... am unsure."  
 

"Unsure of what? If anything is real? Or if I have amnesia?"  
 

"You were made to forget everything you once knew." Thor admitted.  
 

"How does someone force memory loss on another person?" Loki's eyes distanced. "Are we related?"  
 

"What?"   
 

"In my dream, we were brothers, I think. Are we..?"  
 

Thor shook his head. 

Despite how much they were taught to believe, tried to believe, they were not related. 

Are not related. Which is probably for the best.   
 

"No, we are not."  
  


"Are you actually human?"   
 

Loki's questions were causing cold sweat to drip down the back of Thor's neck. "No."  
 

Loki caressed Thor's cheek, his skin just  _so_ familiar and it deeply frustrated him that he could not remember where he knew him from, what this big secret was.

"Am I human?"  
 

"Loki, please. I can not answer any more of these."   
 

"Is that a yes? We're both not from Earth or something?"   
 

Thor sighed.   
 

"How come you can remember everything?"   
 

"I came to search for you, my memories were not erased."   
 

"You... You came to look for me?" Loki could sense the uncomfortableness radiating from Thor so he frayed from his interrogation. "If I ever remember whatever there is to remember, how I feel about you won't change. I promise. If I hated you before or something, I don't know why I would, but... If I did, this won't change. Okay?"  
  


Thor wanted to believe that, he so desperately wanted that to be true. He prayed to the Norns to make that a reality, please let him keep that one promise.  
 

 _Please_.  
 

"I'll always be yours, okay?"  
 

He pushed Thor by the shoulders down onto the sofa, the wooden legs of it creaking, the leather under them dipping further.

He kissed Thor, long, this time more aggressive, like he was hunting for something.  
 

Thor smiled up at him, his hands finding their spots on his hips, holding onto him by either side. “I know you will.”  
 

He allowed Thor's hands to grow a bit more curious and travel up under his shirt. He slowly lifted the fabric up, the gentle material sliding against his skin. He pulled it carefully over his head, flicking it off to the side, the clothing falling to the ground with minimal noise. He trailed his hands around his chest, his warm fingertips brushing over Loki's nipples. Loki stifled a moan in the back of his throat, the sensation sending a series of warm sparks throughout his chest.  
 

Loki looked down at Thor. He didn't know what to think anymore, what to believe. However, even in this state, he still desired intimacy, craved for it, his being becoming filled with lust.

His fingers shook with eagerness as he yanked on Thor's grey tank top, pulling it off of him quickly. He took a moment to observe his bare chest. Sure, he had seen him shirtless quite a few times before, but he never really got a good full look at him. Surprisingly, Thor wasn't the kind to walk around without a shirt on, but Loki _wished_ he would.  
 

Loki bit down onto his plump lip, the hunger that was building in him clearly visible. He didn't know wither the eagerness was from lack of ever doing this with his _lover_ and seeing him like this gave him a bit of a high, or because he felt a new sense of connection for him, strangely, despite knowing that Thor was keeping a whole story from him, denying him access to a novel that he was part of.

 He didn't know, and he didn't really care at that moment. He took in the sight of Thor, his perfectly toned muscles bulging. But, something in particular caught his eye, something that he didn't really expect Thor to have.  
 

Across his pecs were three thick kelodial scars, pink and raised. He didn't know how he had never noticed those before. And all this time, he had imagined Thor to be completely and utterly _flawless_.  
 

He had always thought him to be like a statue, _Godly_ almost, with his perfectly carved muscles and nicely tanned skin, and everything about him resembling what the typical “perfect male” would be like.  
 

He had never thought Thor would have battle wounds of his own. Even though these scars were probably caused by something vastly different, he and Thor were much more similar than he had ever thought.  
 

He wanted to know more, craved the information just as much as he craved Thor. A thought passed through his mind.

He wasn't human, he finally admitted to that; the way he spoke with such eloquence, his accent quite different than anything he had heard, the way he was shaped...  
 

"Are you a  _God_?"   
 

Thor blankly met his gaze.   
 

"Am... am I a God?"  
 

Silence.  
 

They both breathed heavily, mouths open and chests puffing.

They stayed there for a long minute, just staring, blinks the only thing that interrupted their views of each other.  
 

Loki broke the stare-down as he leaned in, his lips ghosting teasingly against Thor's, breath hot on his lips. Thor tried to break the very small space between them, trying to steal a kiss from him, dying to taste his lips, but Loki would not let that happen. No, he was too sly, too _tricky_ to allow that, of course.  
 

"Those places you showed me, realms or whatever you called them, which one are you... we... from?"  
 

"Loki, if I say the name, you might remember."  
 

"So we are Gods." He replied with a smirk. If he would not admit outright to the truth, he could dissect it, slowly but surely.  
 

Once a trickster always a trickster.  
 

He put a finger against Thor's lips as he was about to speak once more, leaning in towards his ear. He whispered to him, in a voice that sent chills down Thor's spine.  
 

“If you really are a God, prove it.”  
 

Thor closed his eyes momentarily, then with haste, flipped them around so Loki was under him, his legs spread apart and arms wrapped around his neck. Thor stared down with a large goofy grin on his face, looking so sure of himself.  
 

“I will.” He replied back, lowering his head to suck on Loki's neck, nibbling lightly. He didn't stop until a bright red hickey, that he was satisfied with, was created.  
 

He let a hand travel down his body, strolling across his chest, down his navel to the brim of his plaid sleep pants. He pulled on the waist band, slipping on under. He gripped his hand firmly over the growing bulge in Loki's undergarments.  
 

Loki's breath hitched, his eyes shutting tightly.  
 

Thor kissed down his chest, stopping at his nipples to suck on them until they were hard. He pressed his palm flat against Loki's erection, rubbing around in circular motions, the sound of the fabric bustling under his fingers loud in the otherwise silent room.  
 

Loki bit his tongue, the pleasure traveling down his spine in waves of ecstasy.

“ _Damn._ ”  
 

Thor teasingly traced his fingers over the still growing bulge, slithering his hand into his briefs, wrapping his rough fingers around his hard length.  
 

Loki gripped his hands onto Thor's broad shoulders, his blunt nails digging into his tan skin, red crescent shaped marks forming.  
 

Thor gave him a slow, steady stroke, the pure pleasure sparking through Loki's body. His heart was racing in his ears, palms began to go sweaty, his mind becoming numb.  
 

Loki sucked in his bottom lip, chewing on it, sweat dripping down his forehead. His nails dug harder into his flesh, skin going white under his grip. He held back the moans that so _desperately_ wanted to escape in the back of his throat.  
 

“How do you think it feels to fuck a God?” Thor breathed as he kissed Loki's cheek, lips ghosting over his warm skin. His fingers teasingly stroked his length one good time and then, with a smug grin on his face, traced around his wet tip. His hand ghosted above him, his fingers loosely dangling, barely touching, the heat between his hand and Loki's _painful_ erection almost too much to bear. Loki whined, and mentally kicked himself for even thinking to let that noise escape him.  
 

“I don't know, but I want to remember.” Loki grunted, his hips bucking ever-so-slightly when Thor pulled his hand away. He longed for his touch, hell, he needed it.  
 

“Thor...” Loki huffed, his gaze capturing Thor's, eyes heavy and _desperate_.

Why must he tease him so?  
 

Thor looked at him, the poor pathetic Loki laying there, wriggling in agony. He lowered his head, capturing his lips in a deep kiss, tongue slipping into his mouth, searching around. He tasted sweet, and he felt even better.  
 

Thor eagerly pulled at the waistband of Loki's sleep pants, sliding them down his skinny legs as they messily kissed. His pants slid down further and further with ease, hitching over his knees and almost to his ankles when Thor felt a sharp slap.  
 

Loki hastily shot up, pushing Thor off and away from him, covering his own mouth. “I...”  
 

He let out a loud, long sigh of air, jolting off the couch. He started heading towards his bedroom, tripping over his loose pants, yanking them back up to his waist, where they belonged.  
 

“Loki...” Thor leaned over from the couch, extending his arm, grabbing onto his wrist. “You said you wanted this. We are both confused, uncertain, scared. But, why do you continue to push me away?”  
 

Loki looked at him. He felt ashamed, embarrassed, like he just up and ruined everything.

He felt _terribly awful_.  
 

“I do want this...” Thor could feel Loki shaking under his touch, the shame running throughout his body, like it was releasing through his skin. “I hate my body. It's fucking terrible. I don't want _anyone_ seeing it, alright.”  
 

“Not even me?” Thor questioned.  
 

Loki looked down at the ground, shrugging after a moment. “I don't know.”  
 

“You know I would never judge you.” Thor pulled Loki back closer to the side of the couch, kissing the top of his hand.  
 

“But, you _have_ judged me.” Loki said coldly, forcing his hand away from Thor's grasp. “I could see it in your eyes, when we first met, how much you _despised_ of my scars. You thought I was disgusting.”  
 

Thor's brows lowered. “I have never thought you were disgusting, Loki. I would never think of you in such a way. I was _angry_ at  _myself_ for not coming sooner.”  
 

“Yeah?” Loki crossed his arms. “What about when you grabbed my arm and said 'Who does that', huh? That was just because you were ' _angry at yourself_ ' ?”  
 

“Loki, please, I love you... You are so precious to--”  
 

“Oh God, none of that bullshit! You've been judging me all this time. You've just been trying to change me, trying to make me what _you_ want, that's why you won't tell me the fucking truth.”  
 

“Loki, what the _Hel_ are you going on about?”  
 

Loki rolled his eyes, scoffing. “Goodnight, Thor.”  
 

And with that, the door to his bedroom slammed shut, shaking the whole apartment. Thor ran a hand down his face, pushing loose strands of blonde hair out of his face.

 

 

 

 

 

Loki sat on his bed, legs crossed, head in his palms. “God, why can't I just be fucking normal? Whatever the fuck normal is...”

 

 

He raised his head from his hands, staring down into his palms. He kept staring into his empty hands, looking, focusing on just them until something switched in him. He sharply raised his hand, hitting his head with a loud smack. He raised his hand again, hitting himself over and over until a red mark started to form and his arms begun to shake and he felt completely overwhelmed with his thoughts.

 

 

“Loki?” Thor called from behind the closed wooden door.

 

 

“Fuck off, Thor.” Loki shouted, his voice ringing in his ears, nearly echoing off the bare walls. He slapped his cheek, the sound of skin smacking against skin violent. His face tingled, skin turning a new shade of color, and Loki felt a sick sense of accomplishment.

 

 

“Loki, please do not do this to yourself.” Thor leaned against the door, palming over the cold bronze doorknob.

 

 

“I am coming in.” Thor announced after the silence grew, the door creaking open before Loki had any chance to object. Loki sat there on his bed in the dim room, faint light cast on his face from the nearby buildings out on the busy streets. Thor could see the discoloring on his face, his forehead red and cheek pink. Thor closed his eyes momentarily, taking in a deep breath. “Loki...”

 

 

Loki lifted his arm, pointing at him. “See, right there! This is the only way I know how to deal with things, Thor! You can't change that part about me. I don't know if I did this before, but I do now.”

 

 

“There are other ways to deal with stress. You do not deserve to keep beating yourself up, emotionally  _and_ physically.”

 

 

“I don't know _how_ to use other methods to cope with shit. This is the only way I know how to do anything. If you hate that I do this, then just leave me alone.”

 

 

Thor closed the door behind him, carefully and quietly, thumb tracing around the circular handle.

“When did you get this idea in your head that I judged you, that I never supported you? Loki, I was there for you _every damn day_ when you were in the hospital. I was there for you in the _beginning,_ the first time I laid eyes on you. I helped you bandage up your arms when it got too much, I held you when you sobbed, I have always been there telling you how much I love you. I am sorry that I had never done that as we grew, possibly this is why we are in this predicament but, why are you pretending that I am the bad guy when I have only been here _for_ you _?”_

 

 

Loki sat still, his eyes bouncing in all directions around the room. Thor could tell that he stopped Loki and made him rethink everything, that he caught him right in his tracks, that he said the things that Loki didn't want to hear.

 

 

Loki opened his mouth, but closed it shortly after. He twiddled with his fingers before gingerly patting the spot next to him on the bed, the words finally leaving his mouth in a hushed tone. “...Sit.”

 

 

Thor walked slowly over to him, the sound of the carpet sliding against his bare feet quiet. He crawled up onto the bed, the mattress adjusting, sheets shifting.

 

 

Loki leaned over, resting his head against his shoulder, closing his eyes. “We've both done wrong, okay, let's just agree on that. I just... I really really like you.”

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

Loki nodded as he let his hand travel down Thor's arm, meeting his hand, their fingers intertwining. “Yeah.”

 

 

“I really really really like you too, Loki.”

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

Thor nodded, kissing the top of Loki's head. “Yeah.”

 

 

“I'm still really tired... I know you are too.” Loki looked at his pillow. “Sleep with me?”

 

 

Thor smiled, gentle. “That sounds like it would be nice.”

 

 

Loki wrapped his arms around Thor's neck, slowly pulling him down onto the bed with him, Thor pulling the sheets up around them. He snuggled his head into Thor's chest with a smile.

 

 

“I'm sorry I can be a total ass sometimes.”

 

 

“It's alright.”

 

 

Loki looked up at him. “So you're agreeing I'm an ass?”

 

 

“Only sometimes.” Thor said with a cocky grin.

 

 

 "Was I an ass before?" Loki questioned.

 

 

"I do not think so. I still do not believe it, I am only teasing you."

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Uhn...”

 

 

 

 

“Uff...”

 

 

 

“Hah...”

 

 

Loki tossed and turned all night, blankets thrown off his body, hair all over his face, sweat dripping down his neck. He kept dreaming of that damn Thor.

Dreams of him touching him with those rough fingers. He'd first undress him, throw his clothes aside, and kiss down his bare body. His lips would be warm, hot, wet against his skin, and he wouldn't stop until he reached his hard cock. His head would be low, he'd be stroking Loki's inner thighs, and his tongue would be working his way around his length, doing everything just _so_ right.

 

 

And when he was done with that, he'd turn him over and push him into the mattress, arms wrapped around his slender waist. His knees would dig into the soft surface, blankets touching his burning hot flesh, and Thor would push into him, thrusting over and over and...

 

 

 

Loki jolted awake, panting. He wiped the loose strands of sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand, his cheeks warm, chest scorching. He gazed over at Thor, his face calm and peaceful and still very much asleep.

 

 

He bit down on his plump lip, trying to decide wither he should wake up Thor to better please his own situation or let him sleep because, well, he was probably damn tired from the earlier shenanigans. 

 

 

...He was an ass anyways.

 

 

Loki reached out, shaking his shoulder, but to no avail. He didn't stir, toss, nothing.

 

 

He shook again, harder, with more force. What was he, a rock?

 

 

He shook him harder and harder until he gave up and nudged him in the stomach with his knee.

 

 

“Good God, what the Hel...” Thor awoke, everything was hazy and blurry. He was more than a bit confused as to what had just happened.

 

 

“You awake?” Loki whispered, his eyes fluttering.

 

 

Thor's brows lowered, his eyes still heavy and mind filled with a cloud of sleep. “Y-yes... May I ask you _why_ it is that you awoke me right now?”

 

 

Loki glanced upwards, breathing in hard through his nostrils. “I'm horny.”

 

 

“What?” Thor said, a little too loud.

 

 

“Jesus Christ, don't make me say it again...”

 

 

“I did not hear what you had said.”

 

 

Loki cursed under his breath. “I'm fucking horny is what I said. I need you to fix that, pronto.”

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

“Oh, you heard me that time.”

 

 

Thor yawned, stretching his arms behind him. “Yeah, I heard you the first time, loud and clear.” He rolled over, back facing Loki.

 

 

“Oh come on, _please_.” Loki was practically begging at this point.

 

 

“You had your chance for that, now I am busy with my own arrangements. Try again in the morning, good night.”

 

 

Loki pushed himself into Thor's back, head craning over his neck so he could whisper into his ear. “I swear to fucking God, if you go back to sleep right now...”

 

 

Thor glanced at him, a wide grin on his face, those baby blue eyes mischievously sparkling. “What are you going to do, castrate me? That would not be very helpful to your situation.”

 

 

Loki huffed. “Why was I destined to be stuck with a jackass?”

 

 

Thor snickered, flipping himself back around. He pushed a strong hand against Loki's chest, pushing him down flat against the bed. He adjusted himself, scooching back over on top of the smaller man, gleaming at him. “You are not going to push my hand away this time, are you?”

 

 

“No.”

 

 

“You swear?”

 

 

“Thor, please, I'm fucking _begging_ you, you don't know how bad I want this right now.”

 

 

“You are right, I _don't_ know. Maybe you can enlighten me.”

 

 

Loki spread his legs as he felt Thor's hand travel down his chest, fingering along the lines of his waistband. “I'm fucking shaking from how bad I need you right now.”

 

 

“Need, huh?” He pushed his lips against Loki's, sloppily kissing him, Loki's breath escaping him in small hot puffs.

 

 

“Yes, need. I _need_ you so goddamn badly right now.”

 

 

“Yeah?” Thor kissed down Loki's neck, licking and nibbling and marking his spots along the way. His fingers danced along the elastic of his pants. Loki grabbed onto Thor's wrist and forcibly placed his hand down his pants, under his briefs, on top of his cock that was so so so badly needing attention. “Someone's feisty tonight, huh?”

 

 

“Thor, I've needed you my whole life...” Loki grabbed him by the chin, with maybe a little more force than he had intended, and kissed him hard. "We're from Asgard, right?"

 

 

“Does that really matter right in this moment?” Thor let Loki lead the kiss, giving him all the dominance that he would ever dream of. The kiss was strong, hot, and more teeth than lips, but it pleased him. His fingers stroked along Loki's length, a little less teasing this time around, knowing Loki was in _no_ mood for games.

 

 

“I guess not." Loki breathed. "Get these off me.” He begun trying his own hand at tossing aside his sleep pants. He fingered at the strings, the seams, yanking them down his pale legs. They caught at his ankles, and with a little readjusting, Thor pulled them off him and threw them off to the floor, the fabric falling with a quiet flick.

 

 

Thor pulled his hand out of Loki's black briefs, pulling away enough to look over him, observing him with the little light that was shining down. He looked at Loki's legs, the things that had him so damn embarrassed. He bit down on his tongue.

It really wasn't a pretty sight. 

 

 

His legs were even worse than his arms, which he didn't think could actually be possible.

Words had been carved into his legs, letters spelling out ' _hate_ ' and ' _ugly_ ' and ' _fat_ ', which he was anything but, inside or out.

 

 

Loki looked up at him, his arm hanging down from the bed, blindly fishing around for his pants. Thor shook his head, leaning over to grab his hand.

 

 

It made his heart ache to see what his brother had done to himself, to see all the hatred he had towards _himself._ But, this was part of him now, part of his story, part of _Loki,_ and he loved Loki, every last bit of him.

He had come to the final realization that Loki had not been able to control the actions performed against himself. He could not stop it.

 

 

“Don't you ever be ashamed of this again. There is nothing wrong with you, Loki.”

 

 

Thor bent down to plant a kiss upon his lips, then released his hand and traveled down his stomach to his legs, mouth ghosting over his skin. He stopped at his inner thigh, taking his leg into his arms. He lifted the limb up from the bed, and Loki gripped down onto the sheets, arms by his sides. Thor kissed his thigh, cold air escaping through his nostrils on against skin, but warmth emitting from his his touch.

He kissed down his leg, a small gentle kiss planted to each bumpy pink or white or brown raised scar. Each scar was different, some short, some long, but each one had a memory behind it, something they could express.

He kissed down to his knee, hitching over it and down his calf, stopping once he reached his ankle.

 

 

Loki held his breath. He'd never been treated like this before, not by himself, not by anyone, ever. This was all new for him, he never knew what it felt like to actually be wanted.

 

 

He had always been treated like a freak. Like scum.

 

 

He was hated by his family, so they put him up for adoption. Did his _real_ birth family do the same, he wondered. 

He was shunned by his ex-boyfriend, always ridiculed for having his battle wounds and being the way _he_ was, being perfectly normal.

Being Loki.

 

 

He was an outcast by societies terms because he wasn't afraid to say what he wanted, or be who he knew he was.

 

 

He wasn't used to this treatment.

 

 

Tears peaked up in the corners of his green eyes, dripping down his pretty little pale face.

 

 

Thor looked back up at Loki, swiping the loose tears from his cheeks with his finger.

 

 

“You are absolutely breathtaking, Loki.”

 

 

“Thor...” Loki said, in a tone that was barely a whisper. He didn't know what to say. All of his emotions were mixing into one big mess that he just didn't know how to convey.

 

 

 

“All of this sentiment is-”

 

 

Thor stopped him, placing a finger over his lips.

 

 

“I mean every word I speak. I know you are not one for such words, but I try to only speak truth to you." He ended his sentence with a deep kiss, filled with love and passion and desire and a whole bunch of other things that he didn't quite understand.

 

 

Loki was terrified. He had never felt this emotionally connected to someone ever before in his life. He didn't know how to deal with it. How to deal with loving someone _this_ much.

 

 

And Thor, even he felt a bit lost and confused and scared, because Loki usually pushed him away and rejected him.

He never imagined him allowing him to get this close to him again, the few times he had ever allowed it before not the fondest of memories. He had never imagined him to cry over his words.

 

 

When they were younger, they shared their lot of stolen kisses, and passionate heated nights as they grew older. But, it was just always about the sex for Loki.

Never the sentiment. He _hated_ sentiment oh so much.

 

 

The second Thor would start acting compassionate towards him, he'd bail out. They became less close after a while because of this, and it tore Thor's heart apart.

 

 

He kissed him again, this time hungrier, hotter, with more of a need than a want. With the deepest desire that he had, the desire to just push him down and feel him and have him melt in his arms.

 

 

He hastily tugged down his own pants, kissing Loki again and again between breaths. They both craved each other, like nothing ever before. They craved each other more than they craved air.

 

 

Loki helped him, tugging down the rest of his clothing, until Thor was completely bare.

 

 

“Now we just have one problem...” Thor said slyly, smirk on his face. He tugged Loki's briefs down with no time to spare, sliding them down his slender legs, tossing them aside.

 

 

He took a moment to admire his younger brother's, boyfriend's, what have you's, body. It had been so long since he had seen him like this.

 

 

Loki was completely at ease.

 

 

No tricks, no hate, no foolery.

 

 

They'd always be in constant worry that either Odin or Frigga, or one of the guards would catch them. They knew what they did was more than frowned upon.

 

 

Now they wouldn't have to worry. He had Loki all to himself.

Just them, together.

 

 

 

Thor flicked his tongue out, lowering his head, licking a path down Loki's navel, stopping at his boney hips. He kissed a path down his hips, each kiss growing slower than the one before, taking up all the time he could.

 

 

Loki's eyes grew heavier, nearly closed, their deep green clouded with passion. A whine escaped his throat, his erection growing even harder, the tension from waiting getting to him.

 

 

“For God's sake, Thor...”

 

 

Thor smiled deviously, pleased with his reaction, taking his much too ignored cock into his hands, rubbing his thumb across the tip of it.

 

 

“Someone's a bit impatient.”

 

 

“Someone's stalling just a _tad bit_ too much.” Loki snapped back, Thor laughing in response.

 

 

Yes, Loki _never_ was the one for foreplay.

 

 

Thor licked a thin line across the red tip of his hard cock, Loki instantly squirming. Thor licked again, slowly, his tounge smoothly gliding across his slit.

 

 

“Fuck...” Loki's breathing grew louder, more ragged. He rested his arm across his forehead, his eyes fully shutting close.

 

 

Thor curled his lips over his teeth, taking his length into his warm mouth. He started off slowly, his head bobbing up and down gingerly, his tongue doing the tiniest of laps.

 

 

Loki's body shuddered, the feeling of his mouth on him _amazing_. He stretched out his arm, curling his fingers into the base of his messy blonde hair.

 

 

Thor urged to get as much of Loki into his mouth as possible; he wasn't too overly big, but Thor never was the one to have the greatest gag reflex either.

 

 

His cock rubbed against the roof of his mouth, Loki's toes curling in response. The pleasure was almost overwhelming, his mind fogging, thoughts going numb.

 

 

He licked against the veiny length of his shaft, sucking him in.

 

 

Loki curled his fingers deeper into his hair, tugging as he traveled further down, his nose touching the curly hairs at the base.

 

 

Then, Thor suddenly started to fondle his scrotum, his rough hands rubbing over sensitive skin.

 

 

Loki bit down on his lip, drawing blood, digging his blunt nails into Thor's scalp. Shivers traveled up his spine, his chest growing hotter and hotter, his skin turning a faint pink color. He grunted loudly, suppressing the moan, the screams, that wanted so desperately to leave him.

 

 

“F-fuck...Thor...” Loki murmured, clenching his jaw. He felt that familiar sensation building in his stomach, his body tensing, heart beating faster and faster.

 

 

Loki pulled his hand from Thor's hair, pushing himself quickly up on his elbows. The room started to spin, his vision foggy, his head sweating.

 

 

"God, Thor...” He panted, digging his nails into the mattress.

 

 

He was going to come. He knew it. It was far too soon for _this_ to be over.

 

 

 

“Thor!” He yelled, grinding his teeth, his head falling back. He felt like he was melting, collapsing into a dysfunctional little puddle.

 

 

Thor looked up at him, his eyebrows raised. He slowly slid him out of his mouth, teasingly licking the tiny drops of pre-cum up.

 

 

“You enjoy that?” He kissed him gently, caressing his cheek sweetly.

 

 

“ _Please_ don't tell me you're done.”

 

 

  
“Of course not. We are just getting started.”

 

 

“Oh, joy.”

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

“Jesus...” Loki panted, grinding his teeth together, nails digging into the mattress underneath them, sweat falling onto the sheets in small drops.

 

 

Thor let a small grunt escape from his lips as he pushed harder into Loki, one arm wrapped around his slender waist, his other hand pushing into the cushion besides Loki's hand. He continued to thrust more and more into him, the air growing heavy and hot, Loki's arms going limp like noodles.

 

 

Loki tightly closed his eyes as he bit down on his lips, he could feel familiar sensation of pleasure starting to pool in his stomach, and he cursed himself for it was too soon to already being _that_ close to the end.

 

 

“F-fuck...” Loki could feel his arms growing weaker, but he swore he could keep himself up, he wasn't weak.

 

 

Thor thrusted harder, stronger, and then within a split second, hit Loki's prostate, and everything Loki had just said to himself went right out of his head and his arms gave out. Thor pushed him into the bed, his grip tighter around his waist, the friction between Loki's dick and the sheets too much to handle.

 

 

Pleasure spilled out through his body and it felt like fireworks were going off, everything became oversensitive and just felt _so damn good_.

 

 

He cried out as his orgasm filled him, Thor quickly following behind him with his own orgasm, filling Loki with his release.

 

 

They sat there for a few more long moments, breathing hard, riding out the wave of ecstasy.

 

 

Loki panted, blunt nails nearly ripping the sheets with how tight his grip was on them. “Christ Thor, I lov-” He began before stopping right after.

His mind shot in all directions, pictures appearing rapidly before his eyes.

He saw vivid depictions of the rich golden city of Asgard, flashbacks of them as kids, growing up by each other's side and battling on the training grounds and exploring throughout the different Realms and an old man yelling at them for kissing.

That old man... He could not see his face clearly however he knew was important. Possibly the key to figuring out this whole mess. 

 

 

“Loki, are you alright...?” Thor asked, slowly pulling out of him, laying down on the bed. He wiped the loose sweat from his forehead with the back of his palm, strands of hair sticking to his face and neck.

 

 

Loki nodded, laying down. The visuals were flooding back, and the whole story was starting to take place. 

They were Gods, or Demi-Gods, something like that, from this place called Asgard. They grew together, he pieced out, but was unsure if they had different parents despite Thor denying this. He had been sent to Earth, but why, he was unsure.

As much as he could figure out he was still left quite clueless.

Who was Loki, really?

 

“You should just tell me whatever you're hiding because these dreams... These images I've been seeing in my head... They're related to the memories that were erased, I assume.”

 

 

 Thor wrapped his strong arms around Loki's torso, pulling him into him, resting his head on Loki's shoulder. "Tell me what you know." 

 

 

He peered at the ground. "We _are_ from Asgard, the buildings are all golden and the sun always shines down and at night... Those skies. And, there's a rainbow something, not sure about that one."

 

He stopped momentarily to catch his breath. "I was in prison, you'd always come see me. I think I loved reading, which I still do. We were raised together, or at least that's what it seems like. And... I did like you. I was always fond of you."

 

 

Thor sucked in his lips. "Every day I would visit you."

 

 

"Why was I there? What could I have possibly done?"

 

 

"You were not in control, chaos had consumed your every fiber." 

 

 

"Chaos..." Loki blinked long. "Did I... Did I kill anyone?"

 

 

Thor choked back on his words, not allowing even himself to think of those moments.

 "Is there anything else you know?"

 

 

"Did I?" Loki peered at him, not liking his reaction to avoiding the subject. 

However, when his face came into sight, the faint tremble of his body, the muted, held back tears, he was caught off-guard.

 

 

Thor had allowed himself to cry before in front of him but he did not present himself to be just as vulnerable as he was in this exact moment.

 

 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked all these questions... I..." He carefully swiveled his body to face the fraught man, desperate to make this better, if he could at all.

He softly kissed the tip of his nose. 

 

 

"I... There are other things I know. You have a hammer whose name, well, I can't recall it right now but it starts with an "M". That's why you would stick out your hand, why I was so attracted to that necklace. Please, please, don't be upset." Loki frantically attempted to calm his nerves, fingers dragging through his blonde locks.

 

 

"Is this because I  _did_ kill and you're scared of me?" 

 

 

"It pains me how the tales were twisted and spun..." Thor could hardly catch his breath. "You are not a Monster, Loki. What you had done..."

Thor shuddered. He kept these memories locked up tight inside of him, never once speaking of them, never once letting them back out.

 

 

Yes, Loki had slaughtered many across the Realms. He had caused complete anarchy, threatening to destroy all of Asgard with help from Jötnar, spewing details of how his plan to regain the throne would go. He had killed many without regret. 

 

Yet, this itself wasn't the most unnerving fact for Thor. No, that would be how everyone begun to call him  _mad_ and a  _danger_ and a  _Demon_ , begging for his execution. 

He did not believe what everyone had said. He still yo-yo'd on accepting if these beliefs were fact or fiction. 

 

 

"Why would you ever leave and find my stupid ass? I just don't get it. It sounds like I _am_ a terrible person, or whatever I am. Why would you give everything up for me?"

 

 

"I did not give up anything. I obtained everything I have ever needed." 

 

 

"But..."

 

 

Thor bit his tongue, rushing the discomfort of emotions to simmer.

"You are all I need, Loki."

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

Thor slowly emerged from behind the bedroom door, his hair a blonde mess, sleep pants not his own and worn askew. 

 

 

Loki turned to look back at him from the kitchen, tea kettle in one hand, empty green mug in the other. A grin formed on his face as he set the two objects down, noting that they had apparently traded clothes as he was wearing Thor's dark grey tank top. 

 

 

Everything felt a bit uneasy with the new information revealed and the fact that Loki had to face one of his biggest fears, however they still proceeded to giggle as they met each other's glance, feeling like giddy teenagers. 

Thor strolled into the kitchen, the linoleum cold underneath his soles. Loki leaned against the counter, hands palming against the edge of marble.

He tenderly pecked him on the lips, holding him on either side of his waist.

 

 

“Good morning." Thor grinned.

 

 

“Good morning, you.” Loki twisted around, picking up the kettle and mug, pouring the hot water in the cup. He swished around the tea bag until the water started to turn a light brown.

 

 

“Have a good sleep?” Thor took a step back away from Loki, leaning against the opposite counter top, arms crossed.

 

 

“Fairly good. There was _someone_ that kept me up.” Loki raised his eyebrows, sipping from the mug.

 

 

Thor nodded.  “And, who was this  _someone_?”

 

 

“I don't know, but I don't think you'd like him." 

 

 

“Oh?”

 

 

Loki set his mug down before taking a step in closer to Thor, kissing his cheek.

 

 

“I had been thinking.” Thor took Loki by the hands, his thumb stroking over his knuckles, “How does the idea of going to a park sound?”

 

 

“Park?” Loki questioned.

 

 

Thor nodded. “Today seems like it could be nice.”

 

 

Loki shrugged. “Why not, then?”

 

 

Thor smiled. “First, I must go do something.”

 

 

Loki cocked his head. “Go do something?”

 

 

“Yes, it is a secret.”

 

 

Loki rolled his eyes. "Oh,  _great_. More secrets."

 

 

Thor slid away from Loki. “I will reveal both to you in given time.”

 

 

Loki picked back up his cup, sipping from it. “Sure you will. I'll be here, I guess.”

 

 

Thor went into his bedroom, throwing open the closet doors, rifling through his selection of clothing. He picked out his trusty plaid shirt, a blue undershirt and his jeans. He quickly threw them all on and slid on a pair of converse. He looked around for his small leather pouch, making a small noise when he found it, shoving it into his pocket.

 

 

“I will see you soon.” Thor waved to Loki, receiving a wave in return before he closed the door.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor waltzed down the busy New York streets, looking around at all the signs of the buildings. He kept a steady pace, searching until a particular building had caught his eye. He had never done this kind of thing before, for they had none of these shops in Asgard, but he saw this in one of those movies Loki liked to watch on the picture screen that he still refused to call properly a television. 

 

 

The sign with the golden lettering “Jewelers” interested him, and he entered the small neatly organized shop, the bell above the glass door ringing as he stepped in.

 

 

“Good morning, sir.” A man called out from behind the counters.

 

 

Thor gave him a small wave as he entered the store, looking around at all the beautiful pieces of jewelry enclosed in their glass cases. Golden necklaces with gorgeous sapphires and silver rings with sparkling diamonds all caught his gaze as he looked around, stepping in closer, squatting to look at everything.

 

 

“Is there something in particular you are looking for?” The man in the suit behind the counter said as he adjusted his purple tie.

 

 

Thor nodded, standing upright. “I am looking for a...” He didn't quite know the words for what he was looking for. He tried to remember what the man in the movie had called it. He knew it was the kind of ring that bonded two people together. Ah, right, an engagement ring.

 Yes, they had engagements on Asgard but it was quite a different ceremony and tradition than here on Earth.

 

 

“I am looking for a ring for someone. An engagement ring.”

 

 

Thor had been thinking a lot about that lately. He had always wanted to marry Loki, ever since he was a kid, but he obviously knew that his father, and most likely mother as well, would object to it, as well as Loki. He would have scoffed in his face, mocked his idiotic idea.

But now, in this new life they had together, there was no one to tell him what he could and could not do. And this is certainly what he wanted to do.

It was quite a bold move and just this alone could trigger everything back within a blink of an eye, but Loki already had a large knowledge of the basics, at least.

Thor was prepared for whatever the future held, wither it be the best or the worst. 

 

 

“An engagement ring, huh? Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?”

 

 

Thor held back a sigh of annoyance out of respect, he didn't want to piss off the guy he was trying to buy something from.

This was another thing that he did quite like about Asgard. They did not label wither you fancied men or women or both or neither.

It was addressed as love. That was not to say that everyone there accepted this belief, that other residents did not despise the thought of two men or two women being together, his Father included in that mix.

Even still, he did not participate in giving his preferences a name. He loved Loki, and that was all that mattered. 

 

“His name is Loki.”

 

 

“Oh, I'm sorry.” The man took back his words. “He must be a very lucky man.” He said with a forced smile.  

 

 

“I am the one lucky enough to be with him.” Thor said with a grin.

You could tell from the way he spoke about him just how deep his passion went, the way his eyes lit up, how he always had that stupid grin on his face the moment he spoke his name.

 

 

“I assure you, I will be able to help you find the _perfect_ ring for him.” The man leaned over on the glass counter, looking at Thor. “Tell me more about him. What is he like?”

 

 

Thor pondered for a moment, stroking his coarse fingers through his blonde stubble. There was so much he could say about Loki, he could practically write a novel on him.

“He is kind deep down, but is not afraid to voice his opinions. He is passionate about reading and absolutely _loves_ books. He is my best friend, has been nearly my entire existence.”

 

 

“He sounds special.”

 

 

Thor nodded. “He is.”

 

 

“What kind of ring did you have in mind? Something big and flashy or maybe something a little more simple?”

 

 

Thor took a moment to think again, scratching the back of his head. He hadn't thought a ton about what the design of the ring would be like. He just knew that he wanted to get Loki something nice. “I am not exactly sure...”

 

 

“What are his favorite colors?”

 

 

“Green.” Thor said quickly. “He adores green.”

 

 

The man with the tie looked around, pulling a key out of his pocket to unlock the glass case. He slid the panel aside and reached in, pulling a few boxes off of the shelves. He set them down on the counter.

 

 

All the boxes were a light grey, and each ring itself was very impressive. One was silver with small crystals in its metal, and in the center was a large emerald. Another was gold with a similar design.

 

 

He admired all the rings until one caught his attention, the one sitting in the middle of the four rings. The band was not too thick yet not too thin, the middle a curved design, and inside the metal-work were three beautiful emeralds gems. Not too extravagant yet not too simple that it would bore Loki, for he did like the fancier things in life, he would say.  

 

 

“This one.” Thor said, pointing to the box. “This is the one.”

 

 

The man turned the box around, picking it up to look at it. He nodded, setting it back down. “That is a very good choice.” He picked up the other boxes and put them back into the case, locking it. “It's made from 14k yellow gold and features 3 round .35ct emeralds.”

 

 

Thor listened to the man speak, and he didn't quite understand what he was saying, but whatever he said sounded good.

“I will take it.”

 

 

The man closed up the small grey box and carried over to the black register, placing it beside it. He looked around and picked up a small white paper bag, placing the ring in it. “That will come to two thousand four hundred and fifty. Will this be cash or credit?”

 

 

"Cash." he replied. 

Thor reached into his pocket, pulling out the leather wallet. He searched around, the endless amount of money that was in there never ceasing to amuse and please him.

He pulled out the correct amount of bills and handed them over to the man.

 

 

“Thank you.” He said as he took them and put them in the cash register. He picked up the bag by its string handles and handed it to Thor. “Here you go sir. Good luck and congratulations.”

 

 

“Thank you.” Thor said with a smile before turning to leave. The bells jingled as he exited the store, bag in his hand. 

This might have been the utter most idiotic idea of his entire life, however, he would not know until he made the move and the plan went into play.

Worst case scenario,  _Loki_ is released and attempts to, or succeeds, to murder him. But, ideally, he pictured him responding with a gleeful yes, possible hesitation and general nervousness. 

 

If he did respond with yes, he made a self promise that he would not break. He would reveal all of his past to him, inform him of everything he missed, the information he begged for. 

 

 

Thor trailed back to the apartment, the fifteen minute walk being good exercise. He opened the large glass doors to the lobby, walking in, the squeaks of his shoes loud against the black marble flooring. He stopped before going on the elevators, looking around for a trashcan. He decided throwing away the paper bag and just keeping the box in his pocket would make it less... suspicious.

 

 

He didn't want the bag giving away the surprise.

 

 

He found a trashcan and carefully removed the box before throwing the white paper bag away. He shoved the ring box into his back pocket.

 

 

He pressed the plastic up button, waiting for it to light up and for the sound of the elevator to ding. He waited a few moments before the elevator arrived. He stepped on and pressed the floor number, 16.

 

 

He stood around, twiddling his fingers, waiting a bit impatiently. He finally reached their floor and he happily strolled down the hallways until he reached their door, unlocking it with his set of keys.

 

 

Loki's head turned to look at him from the couch, mug still in his hands, book in his lap. He was dressed up nicely, sporting his favorite pair of skinny jeans, and a green beanie reminiscent of Thor's own.

 

 

The look in his eyes was once again distanced, removed, quite lost. He had been in heavy thought, pondering and questioning his very existence. 

 

 

 “Back so soon?” He responded a moment later, voice meek.

 

 

“Are you alright?"

 

 

“Yeah... Just, you know, really confused. Not like I haven't been every day.”

 

 

Thor leaned up against the door frame. "I understand. I am sorry Loki, I wish to tell you, I will tell you. It is for your own safety." 

 

 

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah,  _my_ safety. You're probably just terrified of me. Was I really bad or something? Evil?"

 

 

"Not to me." 

 

 

 

"But to others, I was?"

 

 

"I did not say that."

 

 

"Well, you implied it."

 

 

Thor once again changed subjects, redirecting Loki so often now, as he was the one to usually do such a thing.

"Do you care to go to the park? If you do not feel able to, we can stay."  

 

 

"No, that would be fine." He closed the book that rested on his lap, placing it down on the couch cushions. He passed Thor through the open door, glancing briefly at him. 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

They roamed around the park hand in hand, the chill of the air actually pleasant and the sound of birds chirping and children playing calming. The park was quite lovely itself, grass vibrantly green and gardens wide and full of colorful flowers, reds and oranges and yellows and purples, and floating butterflies. There was a large concrete fountain in the middle with benches all around it.

 

 

Loki looked over at the grinning Thor, his eyebrows raising. “You seem happy. What's up?”

 

 

“Nothing.” Thor squeezed Loki's hand, his grin widening.

 

 

“It doesn't seem like nothing. You're scaring me, what is it?”

 

 

“I can assure you, it is nothing.”

 

 

“Okay...” Loki said with a nervous chuckle.

 

 

“Speaking of nothing, let us go over there.” Thor pointed to the large fountain, trailing them over in that direction. They stood before the fountain, Thor sitting down, Loki reciprocating his action.

 

 

“Nice day.” Thor said, still holding onto Loki's dainty hands.

 

 

“It is.”

 

 

Thor glanced side to side momentarily. He was beyond nervous despite acting against that. 

He didn't exactly know how he was going to go about this. He didn't know all of what he wanted to say, and he most certainly did not know how Loki was going to react.

Perhaps he was just weaving a wicked fantasy where everyone ended up happy.

 

 

“Loki.” Thor said, catching his attention. Loki glanced over at him.

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

“There _is_ actually a reason I brought you here.”

 

 

“Of course there is." 

 

 

“Yes, yes. Well...” Thor trailed off, trying to gather all his thoughts together. “Loki, there are not enough words in the English language... In any language, for that matter, that can describe how deeply I feel for you. You do not know fully of it yet, but our entire lives, I adored you, watching as you slept, observing as you played." 

 

 

Loki looked at him, and Thor for the love of Odin could not decipher at all what he was thinking.

He was like a sphinx, he was a master at hiding his expression and emotions when he desired to. He'd probably be a master at poker.

 

 

“Loki, I am not even quite sure what to say anymore. I can not imagine a day of my life without you by my side, for it was agony without you. I understand how terrifying this must all be for I am quite terrified myself, but together, we can stay and learn and grow even further."

 

 

Thor knelt to one knee, much what Loki had always wanted _everyone_ to do for him, hands still in his grasp, hold possibly a bit too tight. 

 

 

Thor swallowed the growing lump in his throat.

 

 

No turning back now.

 

 

Not even for a second. 

 

 

“Will you marry me?"

 

 

 

 


	11. I'll See You From the Beginning to the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's eyebrows lowered. “Why do you doubt my sincerity?”
> 
> “Because honestly, I don't think anyone cares. I mean, I was cast down by the man who claimed to love me, sent to be all on my own, given a shitty place with no source of income and a terrible back story. Are you any different?”
> 
> "Loki, of course I am different. There has not been a day where my feelings have differed, where I have not been there for you." Thor eyed the door, pondering a way of possibly breaking it down, anything he could do to get in there with Loki. 
> 
> "But, were you always there for me?" 
> 
> "No." Thor spoke truthfully. "Now I have changed." 
> 
> "...You've really changed me, you know. But..." 
> 
> Footsteps tapped against the hardwood flooring, drawing away from the door, Loki's voice becoming distant. "I can't do this anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE! Oh my gosh, I really do apologize that I haven't updated in uh...... a year. 
> 
> I was so extremely busy with life and had lost everything I wrote for the chapter originally, but recently I started wanting to write again and got back into the story. 
> 
> I have been going back and rewriting parts of this story and fixing up things for about a month now, so I really encourage everyone to reread the story as I majorly changed a few parts that play in to the ending and generally just wrote things better. I went from like 50,000 words to 71,000, and now more because of this chapter.  
> SO YES, I would really suggest rereading everything. 
> 
> So, this is the last and final chapter for this series! It makes me quite sad as I've been working on this for nearly two years now, but hopefully I can write other stories after this. c: 
> 
> I really do hope you all enjoy it. The ending was going to be extremely different at first so I hope this version is alright, I'm not too sure myself. It's a much lighter approach than I had planned for. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for supporting this story, reading it, and posting your comments!!

 

 

_  
The Day of Banishment:_

_Asgard_

 

 

“My dear Husband, you need not do this.” Frigga stood beside the disheartened All-Father who sat upon his throne, coarse skin meeting his palm, eye closed tight in stress.

 

 

 

“It is what must be done, for the safety of Asgard, for the sake of my family.” He huffed discontent.

 

 

 

“You are doing this to protect your own, however Thor, my dear, he would not take this punishment kindly. The boys, they have distanced but regardless, this would tear the both of them apart.” Frigga begun to speak in her soothing, motherly voice before the King's eye opened, head snapping to face her.

 

 

 

“They have much already been torn apart by Loki's foolish actions.” He spoke with vex but then his voice lowered to a tone much gentler. “This is not my wish.”

 

 

 

She placed her hand tenderly on his tense shoulder, smooth metal of his armor cold under her touch. “I know it is not.”

 

 

……

 

 

Loki had been brought from his cell abruptly, his long tunic askew and hair a matted black mess. His skin was as pale as a ghost and his eyes dull of their vibrant color with dark circles surrounding them.

He had been put in the chains he familiarized himself with; two cuffs around his thin wrists, clasped on tight, a pair wrapped around his ankles, one cradled his neck.

 

 

 

“Loki,” Odin begun to speak, grasp on his spear tightening, “a decision has been made.”

 

 

 

“A wise decision, perhaps?” Loki spoke in a demeaning sense which was much ignored. 

 

 

 

“You are to be banished.”

 

 

 

His eyes widened as he attempted to free his hands, urging to step forward but the guards behind him held tightly onto the clanking metal preventing him from going any further, like a dog on a leash.

 

 

 

“What? What do you mean,  _banished_?”

 

 

 

“You are to be cast down unto Midgard.” Odin replied sternly.

 

 

 

“You... You can not possibly do this to me.” Loki yelled, visibly distraught.

 

Odin harshly retaliated, “This is in your best interest.”

 

 

 

“Sending me down to a Realm which I have never been is in my favor? What am I to possibly do there?” Loki glanced around, his brows low and mouth gaping. “I... I know I am not of this family, but-”

 

 

 

Frigga peered downwards, wishing to never see any of her boys in this state. This punishment was cruel, they both acknowledged this, but she also knew there would be no other way to convince Odin once his mind was set. 

As well as the risk of keeping him, worse ploys of destruction would brew resulting in hurt for everyone involved.

 

 

 

“Do not get in to your head that this is in vain of your heritage, my boy. You have been my son since you were a babe. This Loki, is in relation to your actions that have made you a true Monster.”

 

 

 

“Oh, so you  _do_  think me a monster, then? I did not ask to be made this way, I did not wish to be  _stolen_.” Loki spat as his eyes rolled. 

 

 

 

“ **Enough**.” Odin boomed.

 

 

 

“If you are going to send me away for eternity, may I at least see Thor?” Loki asked meekly.

 

Despite acting as if he despised of his brother, pretending as if he were the cause of all his problems, as if he truly hated him, the fear of being separated ate away at him.

The mere thought of not being with Thor tormented him more than he would have liked to accept. 

 

 

 

“Yes.” Frigga spoke to which Odin gave her a spine-chilling glare.

 

 

……

 

 

Heimdall was met at the end of the Bifrost, Odin grasping onto Loki's bindings.

They proceeded to enter the vast, golden, circular dome that rested at the very edge of the bridge.

 

 

 

The All-Mother trailed behind with Thor by her side, the God of Thunder discombobulated. He had not a clue as to what were to come, all he had been told was his presence was required.

 

 

 

They gathered around in the building, Odin and Loki standing on the left of the spacious room, Thor and Frigga across, Heimdall centered.

 

 

 

The elder man released Loki from his confinement, but sternly held onto his forearm. “Do not you dare attempt an escape.”

 

 

 

He scoffed. “Where possibly would I go?”

 

 

 

“Father,” Thor spoke up as he caught glance of Loki timidly eyeing him, “Why was I summoned?”

 

 

 

“Loki requested to see you one last time.”

 

 

 

“What?” Thor looked at him dumbfounded, echoing, “One last time?”

 

 

 

“You did not even tell him?” Loki sneered as he proceeded to roll his eyes again in annoyance. 

Of course the All-Father would not inform even his most cherished son of the situation, typical.

 

 

 

“We have decided on punishment fit for Loki.” Odin spoke.

 

 

 

“And, that being?”

 

 

 

“He is to be sent away.”

 

 

“For how long?” Thor responded with haste, his hands beginning to visibly shudder.

 

 

“Forever, Thor.” Loki peered downwards as he chewed on his bottom lip. “This is our last meeting.”

 

 

“You could not have told me this sooner?” Thor glared with irritation at Odin. “You could have not given Loki and I time to say our goodbyes?”

 

 

“Dear, this is not in your Father's enjoyment. He does not wish for this to happen.” The All-Mother spoke. 

 

 

“Then why is he allowing it?” Thor shouted as he proceeded to walk over to Loki with heavy steps, Frigga reaching to halt him but only grasped air.

 

He looped their arms together, Odin still having hold on the other side of Loki.

 

 

“Thor, what is being done will be done. Let us face the reality, I did create quite a mess.” He looked into his older brother's eyes with regret.

 

 

“I do not wish to see you go.” Thor spoke softly, to Loki. Only for his ears to hear.

 

 

“I do not wish to leave. I  _really_  do not.”

 

 

“Loki...” Thor desired to feel his skin, caress his cheek, taste his lips once more. However, he knew acting in this behavior would only cause further confusion and disapproval, as well as quite angering his Father in ways he did not want to see.

 

 

“Thor, I...” Loki was abruptly tugged, nearly shoved into standing in the far center of the dome. He planted his feet firm on the ground, staring his adoptive Father in the eye.

“This will be the last time I ever lay eyes upon him yet you do not allow me to speak for even a moment.”

 

 

“The sooner this is done is better.” Odin spoke with a concealed sadness. 

 

 

“You had never answered me previously. What am I to do there? Wallow in my own self pity?”

 

 

“Your past will not follow so you needn't worry.”

 

 

“What?” Thor and Loki both loudly said in unison.

 

 

Odin peered downwards. “Goodbye, my Son.”

 

 

“Wait!” Loki shouted, but before he knew it, he awoke on a short-lengthed couch whose color was dark green and fabric was quite worn.

 

 

 

 

 

_The Night of Banishment:_

_Midgard_

 

 

 

He yawned in the dead silent apartment, space cramped and illumination to a minimum. He palmed against his jeans nervously, mind blank.

It felt like everything was missing, as if his whole world had just drastically changed on him, but he wasn't quite sure why he felt this way, not able to put his finger on it.

 

 

“Where am I...” He spoke quietly, gazing around at his surroundings.

 

 

Home. He was home, he recognized.

Where was home? New York, right.

 

 

Yes, he was Loki  _Laufeyson_ from New York City. He took residence in a crappy cramped apartment which he did not have the funds to ever pay for. He did have a job but he knew no one there nor did they care about him.

He was without friends, his only escape through books, which he did quite enjoy. In his spare time he liked to experiment with painting, varying from watercolor to acrylic. 

 

 

This was Loki. 

 

 

Yep.

 

 

Loki, born alone and would probably die alone. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Two Months Past Banishment_

 

 

 

Loki was sat at the counter of a bar, feet hanging from the bar stool, glass bottle in hand.

He fancied this particular joint, visiting here as often as he possibly could on a tight budget after work, making friends with the usual bouncer as well.

 

 

His new interests had involved getting far too drunk and picking up guys that he deemed alright in his inebriated state. All of these men however did have quite similar styles; tall, had to at least match Loki's height, preferably taller, long blonde hair that fell onto their tan, muscular chests, sometimes their eyes were in the color of the ocean.

 

 

He wasn't quite sure why that was his taste in particular, but he didn't deny the attraction to the look.

 

 

Plenty of times he wandered home with these strangers and awoke on unknown beds wearing nothing but shame, regretting his previous actions if they had even made it that far. Often times, the men would push Loki away at the reveal of his scarred body, further serving as an insult to Loki that he was garbage, something he had also been told from a handful of people.

 

 

On this night in particular though, as he sipped on his drink, a man sat at the stool beside him.

His hair was pulled into a neat pony tail, the golden blonde hue of it reminding Loki of someone from his past.

 

 

He wore a wide grin, teeth showing as he ordered from the bartender, baby blue eyes twinkling, biceps peaking out from under his loose red short sleeved shirt.

He met Loki's stare and begun to speak in a deep voice. “Hey.”

 

 

“Hello.” Loki replied meek.

 

 

“May I buy you another drink?” The man said, gesturing towards the glass whose contents were mostly consumed.

 

 

“S-sure.” Loki said with a nod.

 

 

“What's your name?”

 

 

“Loki. And, you?”

 

 

“Wade.” He outstretched his hand, Loki meeting his firm grasp.

 

 

……

 

 

The night continued and had quite a twist from how all of Loki's other “dates” would have gone. Instead of proceeding back to one of their apartments with fired lust, they strolled down the streets, speaking to each other, revealing information and stories.

 

 

“Hey, Thor,” Loki spoke to receive a confused look from the other man whose name was most definitely not  _Thor_.

 

 

“Thor?” He replied, puzzled.

 

 

“...Shit, I'm sorry.” Loki bit his lip in embarrassment. “You just remind me of him.”

 

 

“A friend of yours?”

 

 

Loki pondered, never having thought of that name previously.

Where did he know that name from that had seemed so familiar, a word that he had said thousands of times once before?

A depiction of a blurred face came into mind, a man with sun-kissed skin and yellow locks and cobalt eyes, but he couldn't put the two together. 

 

 

“I'm... not actually sure.”

 

  

He laughed. “You don't know if he's a friend of yours?”

 

 

Loki shrugged.

 

 

 

 

_Four Months Past Banishment_

 

 

 

Loki peered down at his exposed arms as he laid shirtless on his current  _boyfriend_ 's bed.

He had judged him time and time again once seeing how tortured his skin was, deeming how much he was messed up mentally.

 

 

The demeanor that he held the night they met was not kept, instead his true colors being revealed slowly. 

He would question him, asking why he would perform such vile acts against himself, pestering him to explain his history in further detail. Any time he would spot a new scratch upon his body, no matter how small or large, he would berate him. 

 

 

But, every time Loki caught glance of his arms, rather any part of his body, he was met with muddled memories.

His recollection of his past was so dull and he remembered so little that he questioned if what he experienced was even real.

He recalls faint moments of hurting himself wither it had been with lighters or knives or razor blades, but he still questioned how it ever got  _so bad_  where he had to be hospitalized.

Even those hospital trips all seemed webbed together and spun into a perfect little unperfect story.

It all seemed too unrealistic.

 

 

These memories were not all conceived from lies, however. Some of these thoughts were true, seeping from the acts Loki performed upon himself in his cell. What else were he to do to pass time?

 

 

Instead of lighters he would conjure up shocks with his magic, shooting pains down his arms and legs until a mark was left. He traded out razors for broken pieces of porcelain from the plates his meals were sent on, bent and sharpened pieces of silverware instead of knifes.

 

 

These habits had followed him into his new “human” life, and he proceeded to further ruin himself.

Thor had not a clue of the things he did. No one had any idea.

 

 

Odin, as cruel as he was, would not have placed that into the lie. These memories of hospital visits and therapy appointments and medication, that all stemmed from Loki's inner conscious, a story creating itself based on his previous acts.  

Most of this carried on from reality, the hurt he inflicted on himself, feeling as if he had always deserved to be punished for the stupidity he caused across the Realms, to his parents, and most importantly, to Thor.

 

 

He wished so desperately that he could reverse time, regretting ever making that initial wound.

 

 

 

 

 

_The Night of the Rash Decision_

 

 

 

Loki sat in his room on his floor mattress, legs crossed, phone in his quivering palms.

His boyfriend texted him that they could no longer be together, not much further explanation following. He never felt an emotional connection to him yet he resented the thought of him letting go, craving the presence of another being.

He had assumed this originated from being alone most of his life.

 

 

His job decided to fire him, saying his looks were wrong for the job, bluffing that he scared away customers when in actuality they were just uncomfortable. He also did not care much for any of the people at his work nor the actual store in general, however he did need the money, quite desperately.

 

 

Plots begun to rush through his distraught, demented mind, not unfamiliar to him at all. Ploys of how he could successfully end his suffering came to him and he processed each thought.

He was determined to follow through, confident that he would not wake another day, living in never-ending confusion. 

 

 

Against his desires, something in the back of his mind screamed at him, begged him to rethink, something pulling him away as if it were trying to protect him.

For quite some time he had felt as if someone were watching over him, viewing his every move.

Perhaps this thing was trying to communicate with him, urging him to hold on, that possibly life  _could_  get better.

 

 

He didn't know if these thoughts were conceived from paranoid delusions or if a higher power had sincerely been watching over him.

 

 

Despite all of the perplexing questions, he stalled no further.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The Dream from the Day they were Reunited_

 

 

 

“Loki!” Thor yelled at his brother as they were entwined in the thick of battle, the metal handle that was wrapped delicately in brown leather of the hammer pressed into the thin blade that resided at the end of Loki's staff, the rich color reflecting from the silver of the blonde God's own armor. “Come to your senses!”

 

 

Loki strengthened his push, the sharp edge urging to come in closer contact with the thin skin of Thor's neck.

 

 

“It is too late for that now.” He hissed.

 

 

“What drove you to this?” Thor grit his teeth, knuckles white from his tight grasp.

 

 

“It serves you no interest.”

 

 

“I wish to know.” Thor said as he met his gaze, the look in those green eyes; scared, lost, hurt.

 

 

“You never cared, why do you act as if you do now?” he spoke lowly, voice quiet underneath the noise of war.

 

 

“I have always cared.” Thor, in the heat of the moment, reached out to lay his fingers across the other man's hand. “Loki, please. We can end this madness, together. I do not wish to fight you any further.”

 

 

Loki momentarily peered away, basking in his touch for a minute too long.

“These were not my wishes either...” He thrust his weapon aside, the piece of metal falling on to the ground with a thump, dirt flying into the already polluted air, Thor stumbling back in recoil.

 

 

“Take me.” He stuck his hands out in defeat.

 

 

He begun to stroll forward, closer to the blonde man. “I know you can end the pain, the chaos. Take me.”

 

 

With a strong step, he slipped and fell into a dark abyss, his surroundings turning more familiar, the air cold and lit-up buildings in sight.

He was reliving that moment of falling from the skyscraper, regret heavy in his heart.

 

 

He was terrified of what was to come.

 

 

 

 

 

_Current Day_

 

 

 

 

The sun glistened down, snow melting into slushy puddles on the cement, forming small pools between the cracks in the sidewalk.

Birds chirped loudly from their perches upon the tall pine trees, some strayed from their groups to feast on forgotten crumbs.

Children shouted with glee as they ran repeatedly around the large park fountain, tossing a red ball that was about the size of their small heads back and forth.

The water residing in the fountain shone brightly, liquids clear and reflective of all its surroundings.

 

 

Thor positioned himself carefully, a knee to the ground, mimicking what he had seen a Midgardian engagement to be like in those movies Loki quite liked. 

 

 

He held a small silver box in his grasp, gold metal glistening and green gems twinkling.

His left hand was grasping Loki's hand albeit possibly too tight, the both of them visibly shaking with anticipation, fearfulness, and for Loki, he was petrified with anxious passing thoughts.

 

 

“Will you marry me?”

 

 

Those words overwhelmed the shit out of Loki and his body went into shock, nerves tingling, heart beat heard in his ears at a rapid, booming, rate.

 

 

His breath shook and was wavering quite heavily. Thor's voice, despite the actuality of his low tone, was piercing like a gun shot, the combination of his speech and his body pumping blood the only two things he could hear, could sense, was thinking about.

 

 

Those words, those four words that were even bigger than the ultimate three spun around in his mind on a constant loop, as if a record player had broken.

 

 

He was too far consumed to react, his body too shot to do anything in the slightest.

He wanted to cry, he wanted to yell, he wanted to just  _speak_ , but as always, something was holding him back, not granting him the ability to act on his own free will. 

 

 

Loki desperately tried to regain control of himself, everything scattering in his mind and soul all at once.

He begun to panic, the silence growing longer, words seeming foreign to him, English like a tenth language.

 

 

What was English? How do you even respond to this?

 

 

“...Yes.” Loki choked after a mere minute painfully passed by, which had felt like  _days_.

 

 

His trembling hand made its way to his mouth, covering it in shock, the other still grasping onto Thor as if he were his life line, which he was, really.

 

 

Thor grinned large at him as he carefully removed the ring from its box and spread Loki's hand.

He slid the ring slowly up his thin finger, the fit not too snug yet not too large, just  _perfect_ considering the ring had not been sized.

 

 

Loki practically fell down from the ridge of the fountain, leveling with Thor. He gazed into the blonde God's dazzling eyes, captivating him. They were so full of life and confidence, he thought.

Yes, he had not been fully honest with him about everything, but maybe it was for the best, he tried to believe.

He knew enough, he thought.

 

 

“I love you, Loki.” Thor breathed heavily.

He powerfully wrapped strong arms around his torso, grin so wide his cheeks begun to hurt, however it was a good pain, something enjoyable, memorable, worth it.

 

 

Anything was worth it for Loki.

 

 

He loved this man, wither he be introduced as brother or a complete stranger.

He would protect him until the very end of time, following past the grave.

 

 

Nothing would ever tear them apart, he thought.

Nothing could destroy what they had, he promised.

 

 

“I love you, Thor. I love you so so so much.” Loki whispered, breath fast paced and unsteady, tears refusing to fall down despite the strong feeling building in his throat.

 

 

He really  _did_  love Thor, with every fiber in his body, wither he could remember his past with him or not.

 

 

And... wait,  _holy shit_ , did those words actually manage to escape from his throat?

They had finally gushed out, bursting like a dam with nothing further holding him back.

He was surprised as he thought he'd never be able to express the emotion feeling despite Thor being fully aware.

 

 

He had been so infatuated with Thor ever since the minute they had newly met.

When he first spoke to him as he laid on that uncomfortable bed in the hospital, their eyes meeting, he knew he was hooked and caught in his hold. He had been infuriated yet relieved he stopped him.

 

 

As he proceeded to stay in his apartment, arguing against him, acting in his goofy self, love formed and it swelled and grew stronger and became more prominent until it completely consumed him and he was all he could think about.

 

 

He had never wanted him to leave, couldn't bear to think of the thought, wishing for him to not go before he could recall who he was.

 

 

As soon as the words had left his mouth, as quickly as he spoke that mere sentence, his head begun to sting at an intensity he couldn't fathom, the acidic burn mind-numbing.

He placed a hand to his head in an attempt to nurture the pain, attempting to keep the uncomfortableness to himself to not ruin the moment. He roughly bit down on his lip, skin breaking. 

 

 

Thor took notice, of course, why wouldn't he, and started to grow concerned.

He backed away from him enough to view his face, gently resting fingers against his warm forehead that was gradually increasing in temperature.

 

 

“Loki, are you alright?” Thor asked, worry laced in his voice.

 

 

Loki nodded, eyes squinted, brows low, pain visible across his face.

 

 

“No, I... I'm fine. I'm sorry, I fuck up everything, I know.”

 

 

“You do not fuck up everything.” Thor reasoned with him.

Loki shook his head, hand blindly searching around for the cement rim of the fountain, using that as leverage to push himself up.

 

 

“Yes I do.” Loki dusted off his pants as a ringing noise sounded through his ears, the throbbing sensation pulsing through his skull.

 

 

Thor slowly rose, arm wrapping around his shoulders. “I am telling you, you do not.”

 

 

 

……

 

 

The sun beamed down, cast across the towering buildings of Asgard, the Palace most prominent. The wind blew, not too harsh, enough to sway the long pieces of moss green grass and enough to cast around loose strands of hair. The long lush plains were nearly empty, not much could be heard except the young giggles and pure chuckles and excited glees of enjoyment from the two still growing Gods, the two who ran around with dulled sticks, playing, pretending themselves as warriors.

 

 

The boys dashed and sprinted until their short legs gave out and they fell side-by-side, grasp releasing on the twigs they carried. They stared at each other, blue meeting green, an unforgettable color combination.

They both grinned, pearly white teeth showing, dimples emerging, cheeks a light pink.

Their chests puffed as they breathed heavily, huffing.

 

 

“Someday, when I become King, you shall sit right beside me.” Thor announced, pushing himself to sit, grass tickling against his smooth palms and slender wrists.

 

 

Loki placed his arms behind his head, admiring the radiating energy from the blonde haired boy.

“Someday, when  _I_ become King,” Loki said, emphasizing the word  _I_ , “we will rule all of Asgard together, like Mother and Father. Not a thing can tear us apart.”

 

 

Loki slid his hand across the grass, searching blindly for Thor's own.

They met each others passing glance with still grinning faces, fingers lacing together.

 

 

“I do love you, brother.” Thor lent over, hovering above Loki. His long hair hung down, gold streaking over the others pale, fresh face.

He giggled as it brushed against his nose, their hands still held tightly together.

 

 

Their plump pink lips met in a timid, shy, kiss.

 

 

Loki pulled away from his brother's touch, catching a strong breath. He did not reciprocate the informal words for he was not sure how to.

 

 

The young Thor caressed his hand down Loki's cheek bones, brushing a loose strand out of his perfectly formed face. As he parted the hair from his sight, he noticed a bruise on the corner of his forehead, a blueish-blackish uneven circle, not a pretty sight.

 

“Who did this to you?” Thor questioned.

 

 

Loki swiped his hand away, quickly covering the mark.

He hastily sat up, pushing Thor off and a good distance away.

 

 

“No one.” He said in retaliation, his mood beginning to shift.

 

 

“It is not no one. Tell me, Loki, who dare lay their hands on you?” Thor nearly demanded.

 

 

“I said no one. Leave it be.” Loki huffed in annoyance as he stood, his arms crossed.

 

 

“Who did this to you!?” Thor shouted at his younger brother to which he received the view of his back.

 

 

“Enough, Thor!” He yelled in response.

 

 

……

 

 

Loki snapped, pushing his arm away with force from his shoulders.

“ _I just want to go home._ ” He said with slight irritation as the voice of his young self screamed it.

 

 

Loki froze like a statue, mouth agape, vision locked on Thor.

The voice of a child, which he recognized as himself, bounced around in his head, replaying, a multitude of conversations he had once had with Thor replicating the sound as if one were walking down a busy street.

 

 

Loki had thought that he had finally lost it, was truly going mad.

 

 

Thor glanced around nervously, the distant, far-gone look in his eyes unnerving.

 

 

“...Loki?” He said out-loud after a long moment of awkward silence and eerie stares.

 

 

_I was meant to be King, born unto the Throne. Do not patronize me with this petty sentiment._

 

 

The fantasy that Loki had pictured a hundred times prior appeared, the sweet tragedy when he rid of his Father, rather, Thor's Father, and claimed his Kingship.

He planned the attack around the time he would fall into Odinsleep. He would shift his shape into a Guard, sneakily making his way to the slumbering man.

 

He had almost succeeded in his plan in the past, why could he not do this again?

 

 

Loki felt as if he were watching a very odd play where he was the star.

He was flooded with confusion yet not, acknowledging that those lost memories were becoming regained, his history was making itself known once again.

 

 

He could confidently admit that he was scared though.

Did he  _really_ want to know all of this information?

He wondered if he'd be almost better off and happier living forever in ignorance.

 

 

Loki rubbed his palm in circular motions against his forehead.

He felt like he was going to faint, or throw up, or both.

His eyes fluttered to the back of his head, vision starting to darken, sound groggy and heavy in his ears as if there was a downpour of rain.

 

 

He stumbled over his own two feet, blinking rapidly, legs feeling like someone had jabbed a million tiny pins into them. He yelped as his knees buckled and he fell to the ground on all fours.

 

 

Thor hurriedly bent down, hesitating to lay a hand on him as if he would shatter under his touch.

After a long moment of consideration, he cautiously pulled him to a stand. Loki swayed around in place, sense of balance being forgotten.

 

 

“It's happening...” Loki panted, breath escaping him, leaving him gasping for air.

His vision had shifted to pure darkness, encompassed in nothingness. He clenched his fingers into the thick fabric of Thor's shirt, holding on as if his life depended on him.

 

 

“What is happening?” Thor questioned.

 

 

“Loki?” He called out, voice coming in waves of three, echoing.

Loki shook his head. He could feel beads of sweat drip down his skin, sliding on to his nose.

 

 

“I... It's overwhelming...” Loki was speaking in a tone almost inaudible, Thor had to leave no distance between their heads to hear him.

 

 

“You are going to be okay, Loki.” Thor sucked in his lip, mouth dry and heart racing from the apprehension that had started to struck him. He swore he was going to feel one of those 'panic attack' things himself.

 

 

“Hold on.” Thor swooped his arm under his weak legs, clenching onto his body tightly, one hand placed against his back.

Loki buried his head into the nook of Thor's neck.

 

 

Sound was so muffled, it was as if his head was trapped inside a thick glass box.

His body was absolutely burning yet freezing at the same exact time, he had thought he was going to die.

 

 

Noises continuously played back as if his sense of hearing was ultra sensitive, feeling like he could pick up on any conversation being held across the world.

He had never heard voices prior, and well, he didn't particularly like it.

 

 

“I love you.” Loki mouthed before he faded, body going limp, eyes shutting.

 

 

“Loki?” Thor looked down at him with widened eyes.

He swore his heart was going to just fly right out of his chest at this rate.

 

 

“Loki!” Thor shouted, shaking the unconscious man in his arms.

He glared up at the sky, lip trembling. “Damn you Odin, I swear, if this is a twisted trick of yours...”

 

 

Loki's eyes blinked open faintly, the emerald coloring seeming just a tad more vibrant.

He looked around, vision grainy like an old film and tints being dim but, he could at least see  _something_.

 

 

Thor let out a sigh of relief. He planted a kiss to the top of Loki's scalp, nose brushing against his soft hair. “Stay awake, Loki. Keep looking at me,  _please_  stay with me.”

 

 

Loki nodded as he glanced up at Thor, arm stretching out, hand cupping around his cheek.

“Home.” He breathed, burning sensation traveling from his skull down his throat that felt hoarse and dry, as if he had swallowed a bucket of glass.

 

 

“Home.” Thor repeated as he started to walk out of the park, grasp on his lover tight.

He was mustering an act to seem like he was well put together, handling the situation with grace.

In the inside, he was freaking out.

 

 

Seeing him fainting like that and now having him in his arms, hardly awake, hardly able to function, scared the living Hel out of him.

 

 

And, what did he mean by  _It's Happening_? The only realistic assumption would be that he was regaining the memories of his past in a gruesome fashion.

Was this idea idiotic? Was proposing to him the key factor to triggering back everything?

 

 

Loki's gaze drifted, eyes begging to be closed.

 

 

“Loki,” Thor said sternly, “look at me. Do not you look away.”

 

 

Loki's eyelashes batted against his cheeks.

He was trying his hardest to stay awake out of fear of leaving Thor, in whatever sense that meant.

The thought of never waking up again passed through his mind if he were to be perfectly honest.

 

 

Thor traveled down the crowded streets, adjusting his grasp on Loki every so often.

People stared and shouted slurs when he pushed past them, but he urged to get back to their home as quickly as it was humanly, or rather, Godly, possible.

 

 

By the time he reached the doors of the apartment lobby, he was out of breath – feet sore from near running, legs almost at the point of giving out themselves, sweat dripping down the back of his neck.

He clenched onto Loki, positioning his knee up to balance his body on him as he reached for the handles, glass door swinging open to invite them into the much warmer surroundings.

He scurried over to the elevators, pressing the up button, watching as the arrow light up red.

 

 

“Are you still with me?” Thor asked as he stepped into the elevator, pressing the white button for their floor number.

 

 

He nodded, head nuzzling into his shoulder.

 

 

 

“ _Loki_...”

 

 

His eyes shot open, the visual of the lift quickly shifted into towering snowy mountains that were surrounded by what he could only describe as Giants who wore frosty blue skin and distinct markings, their glares evil and judgmental.

 

 

They stood in a vast wasteland, a city that looked as if it had been torn down seen off in the far distance.

This scene was as familiar as it was foreign.

 

 

He took a step forward, snow crunching under his black boots.

A man stood before him, his skin the palest color of all the nearby monsters, eyes a glowing apple red. He met Loki's stare, mouth opening and lips moving, but he fell silent, words not escaping.

 

 

Loki's gaze traveled down, his arms donned embossed leather sleeves mixed with metal shards beaded together in an interesting pattern.

His hands were adorned in thick pure black gloves, flakes of snow falling upon them in a random order.

 

 

He pulled one off of his hand, feeling quite trapped. Much to his disbelief, his own skin begun to morph hue, pale turning to lapis at a rapid rate.

 

 

He adverted his glance in shock back to the man, who he did not perceive as his Father just yet.

He could feel himself talking, the vibrations from his words shaking throughout his very soul, but sound fell deaf to his ears.

He begun to yell, scream, his hands shaking as the tint became vibrant, not fleeting from his skin.

 

 

Loki shook his head as the loud creak of the front door caught his attention.

He peered at his palms, the same color as they had been before. He wasn't any odd tone, those creatures were not present.

 

 

Where did he just travel to?

 

 

 

_Am I a monster?_

 

 

_What do you mean by that?_

 

 

_What am I?_

 

 

That conversations buzzed in his mind. So, he  _was_ a Monster, but he had not envisioned himself to be something like... that. Foul and frightening. 

Nor did he actually picture it in the literal sense. 

 

 

Was he truly one of those things? Was that what the big secret was?

 

 

“Are you still here with me?” Thor's deep voice was soothing.

 

 

Loki gave another nod as he glanced around the apartment, the setting familiar and everything placed in correct order, nothing appearing out of the ordinary.

He was safe, at home.

 

 

He carried Loki over to the bedroom, door already open to his convenience, placing him down on the warm, inviting bed. He wrapped a blanket tenderly around his stiff body.

 

 

“Thor...” He murmured.

 

 

“Yes?” Thor drew his touch around Loki's jawline.

 

 

“Can you... Medicine, buy some.” He nuzzled into the soft fabric.

 

 

“I do not want to leave you.” Thor replied with a troubled glance.

 

 

“Please.” Loki pleaded, the voices instructing him to get rid of Thor. “I need... headache stuff.”

 

 

“Do we not have any?” Thor questioned, reluctant to have him be alone in this vulnerable state.

 

 

“No. Please, Thor.”

 

 

“...Alright.” He gave in, much against his senses. “May I borrow your phone?”

 

 

Loki nodded and searched into the pockets of his pants with trembling hands. He yanked out the device, giving it over.

 

 

He carefully placed it into the pocket in his jeans beside the leather pouch. “If you start to feel bad, Loki, or if anything happens, please call me, I beg of you.”

 

 

“Okay.” Loki mumbled, burying his head into his fluffy white pillow.

 

 

“I love you, Loki.”

 

 

“I... love you too, Thor.” He replied weak.

 

 

Thor turned on his heels, walking until the front door heavily shut with a loud bang. He leaned up against the outside frame, his pulse still frantic.

He should not be leaving Loki like this, he knew that deep in his heart. He did not know what could happen, especially if his memories all  _did_  fly back.

He would be distressed, fazed, upset to say the least.

 

 

He wanted to be there for him to ensure his safety, to comfort him in his arms, to make sure Loki would keep his promise of not forgetting his feelings.

 

 

Doing what he did today, suggesting the idea that they take their love to the furthest state it could possibly be, both of them raw with each other... Loki would have never approved.

 

 

What had changed him so much, he was not sure. Possibly the way he treated him in the past was far more damaging than he had ever come to realize.

Or, maybe Loki felt more at ease without constant supervision of literally  _everyone_. When you are a Prince, there is not much you can hide from the public, the boys had grown to learn, as well as the added factor of their relationship being taboo.

 

 

He made his way down the hallway, hands resting inside his shirt pockets. He fiddled with his thumbs as he took slow, baby steps.

 

 

Loki shuffled around on the mattress, restless.

 

 

 

“ _Loki..._ ” A mysterious voice called out in the silent apartment.

 

 

“Who's there?” He shot up and without further thought, swung his legs off the side of the bed frame, rubber soles of shoes touching the ground. He was still consumed in a dizzy haze.

 

 

_Do you not know what you are? Who you are?_

 

 

“N-no...” He responded as he peered around from the door frame, white walls morphing into a deep lustrous yellow, furniture fading away, replaced instead with columns and wide arches exposing the magnificent scenery of the city.

 

 

He took a small step forward, wandering into Odin's hall, the throne room, the floor a reflective dark brown decorated with curved golden designs.

The throne itself was bestowed upon a high standing platform, a plethora of stairs ranging from quite wide to very narrow led up to the magnificent chair itself with its curved centerpiece and tall standing back piece.

 

 

  _A t_ _rickster. A sly-mouthed liar._

 

 

 

_A murderer._

 

 

 

“I am not!” He shouted as he watched two young children burst through the large doors, dashing down the long halls, standing before the Throne where an elder man whose hair was pure white faded unto.

 

 

These two were so full of energy, giddy and giggling. The one whose slicked back ebony hair fell to his shoulders and wore a long sleeved green tunic huffed, bent over to catch his breath.

The boy standing beside him wore sun kissed skin, his yellow hair short, apparel red and blue fabric.

 

 

He identified the boys as them when they were lads, the voice radiating from the dark haired fellow the same as what was in his mind previously.

 

 

Thor had sworn them to not be related, however, he had not gone as far to say they were not from the same family.

 

 

 

_Are we related?_

 

 

_What?_

 

 

_In my dream, we were brothers. Are we?_

 

 

_No._

 

 

The scene drastically shifted to depict Loki as much older, the man elder man, the one whom he addressed as Father for so long, explaining to him of his past; he  _was_  a Jötunn, taken as a babe during the war with the Frost Giants and grew up to know Thor  _as_ a Brother, but they were not, for the better.

 

 

He had been adopted, fed a series of lies, promised a chance as King when they all knew for certain they'd never let the  _Monster_  they feared most sit on the throne of Asgard.

 

 

He reflected on the emotions he once felt when this had actually played out before his very eyes, the terror and uncertainty and doubt rushing through his veins as well as disgust, fury, self-hate. 

 

 

Loki fell to his knees, gripping onto the bare walls for support before collapsing once again to a petrified heap, nails traveling down, scraping off bits of egg-white paint.

His breath's pattern was lost and the hyperventilation set in.

 

 

He pulled his knees tight into his chest, hair clouding his vision.

 

 

 

_Chance didn't just bring us together. You already knew me. I assume I already know you._

 

 

_I do know you, yes._

 

 

_How come you can remember everything?_

 

 

_I came to search for you, my memories were not erased._

 

 

 

He remembers.

 

 

He remembers  _everything_. From the first moment he could recall Thor gazing at him to their secret adventures to their arguments and fights and all the times he announced his hatred to the way he killed thousands of innocent beings, destroying villages and everything in his sight.

And he remembers Thor tossing him aside to please his own selfish being, mocking him when he would cry, treating him as if he were a baby.

At least, that's what he convinced himself to believe. 

 

 

Thor knew he had messed up and yes, he wasn't always the kindest, but he deeply cared for the younger boy. He would cautiously protect him from anything he deemed dangerous, teaching him the basics of combat in their spare time, snuggling him to sleep when he became upset. 

 

 

He had perceived himself to just be Thor's shadow, always remembered as  _just_  his brother and not himself, as  _Loki_.

That was not the slightest bit true.

 

 

No.

 

 

Everyone remembered him as the adopted brother that snapped, the one that frayed from the truth.

 

 

_Killer._

 

 

“I... I am not!” Loki shouted, muffled.

 

 

_He does not love you. He has never._

 

 

"Anyone with a speck of common sense can see that's not true..."

 

 

Magic. Ah, yes, magic. How he missed weaving spells together, craving for those powers once more, being able to fool others to do as he pleased. Yet, he never dared to cast anything upon Thor other than playful gimmicks. His favorite trick, he remembers now, was fooling Thor into thinking a clone of him was truly the  _real_  Loki, sometimes Thor having long conversations with this illusion.

 

 

The All-Father had stripped him of these powers yet they were surging through him, the electric shocks strong in his muscles and fingertips. Guess he couldn't completely take that away from him.

 

 

He begun to remember Thor's face when he admitted to fantasizing over killing him, when he  _did_  attempt to kill him all those times... His eyes full of terror, expressing that he was intimidated, his body stock still.

 

 

It sent further havoc upon Loki and made him break down completely into a sobbing mess.

Everything is hitting him all at once and the acidic stinging rushes back, head throbbing like it were on fire.

 

 

_Evil, evil man._

 

 

“I do not wish to be bad or... Or...”

 

 

He peered up from his lap, tears halting, the demented God,  _himself_ , appearing before his very eyes, pain diminishing. 

He were dressed in a knee-length leather coat that was lined with thick, green twill, metal clasps outlining the edges, golden armor decked on top.

 

 

Upon his forearms he wore bracers with intricate details similar to the design on the rest of the armored pieces. Behind him was a floor-length cape, and resting on his head he wore a helmet with large curved horns.

 

 

The figure outstretched his hand, devious grin upon his face. “We can become one.”

 

 

Loki was mesmerized, however in his trance induced state, slapped his open palm away. “I don't want to become you. Never again. Leave me the  _fuck_ alone.”

 

 

“ _Oh_ , now you may have wished you had not said that.” The illusion of the trickster smirked.

 

 

Loki pushed himself to stand, the duplicate removing a blade hidden upon his thigh, placing it in Loki's grasp.

 

 

“You know what to do.” The shadow faded into thin air, room reverting back to its previous state; walls a stark white however now with faint fingernail markings, Loki lone in the apartment, no more voices echoing, no more delusions.

 

 

 

However, he was left to stand with the blade in tow.

 

 

“No... I can't...”

 

 

He threw the dagger aside, metal clanking loud against the wooden floorboards.

He continuously peered at the weapon, silver shimmering.

 

 

“I...” He was drawn in and once again found himself cradling the object.

 

 

The demented crazed God wanted him to mutilate himself then proceed to finish the job with Thor.

 

 

“No...” Loki shook. He did not want to act on any of those requests.

He wanted to rid of his terrible past and name and start a new life. He felt like he could actually change, become what Thor seemed to think of him.

 

 

“I can't do this...” He met his gaze in the blade's reflection. “But...”

 

 

He hastily pulled up his sleeve, regret pooling in his stomach.

 

 

“No.” He said sternly.

 

 

He twirled his fingers in an elegant manner, a shimmering yellow flick of light appearing as his scars begun to fade away, concealed in a well-thought out illusion.

They were not gone permanently for they would never be, always being one with Loki, but for now, this appearance would ease him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The Day Their Trust Strengthened_

 

 

 

 

 

Thor was stretched out on the couch, trying to make himself as comfortable as possible, long legs crammed against the arm-rests at the edge of the sofa.

 

 

“I'm going to go to bed. Good night.” Loki said plainly.

 

 

“Goodnight, Loki.”

 

 

He disappeared behind his bedroom door, closing it gently. He stared at himself in the mirror on his dresser, failure meeting his gaze.

He dreaded himself, mind full of hate. His reflection often terrified him.

He didn't know who he was anymore, he hadn't for a long time.

 

 

He had surrendered his tools of self injury over to Thor and together, forgoing all the painful memories, but without Thor's knowledge, Loki had purchased a brand new, small, shiny, blade.

He had been hiding it deep inside his dresser drawer underneath a pile of clothes.

 

 

He grimaced at himself as he begun to remove the small exacto knife piece from its hiding spot.

It was as if he had blacked out because when he looked back down, he was a mess.

 

 

He  _was_ a mess.

 

 

“T...Thor!” Loki called, holding his arm out away from his body as if it were poisonous.

 

 

He quickly entered the room, mouth gaping when he took notice of Loki.

 

 

“Please, do not freak out.” He glanced away. “I just need you to help me, okay?”

 

 

They sat together on the floor after Thor fetched the dressings Loki still held on to from the same drawer, unwrapping a roll of tan gauze and unpackaging a packet of disinfectant wipe.

 

 

Thor played doctor as he cleaned his arm carefully as to not cause too much extra pain. He wrapped the bandages across his arms until the layers had built and the dressing was tightly done. 

 

 

 _Oh,_ the things he did for him.

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor peered around the medicine aisle of the grocery store that was far bigger than he had imagined, package after package of remedies for coughing and nausea and the common cold.

 

 

“Headache...” he muttered to himself. He picked up two different boxes, comparing whatever he possibly could, trying to determine which would be better suited for Loki.

 

 

“I should phone him.” He quietly announced, placing the medicines back down on the white shelves. He removed the phone from his pocket, dialing their home number.

 

 

The number rung. Once, twice, three times until it went to voice mail.

 

 

 _Odd_.

 

 

He tried again, waiting for an answer.

 

 

Nothing.

 

 

Thor tried to think logically. Perhaps he drifted off into a slumber and couldn't hear the phone ringing.

Or maybe he was doing something to distract himself and got too caught up.

 

 

But, what if the worst was occurring? That was a logical option as well that he tried to ignore as much as he could.

 

 

He jumped from his thoughts as the phone in his hand vibrated softly.

 

 

“Loki, are you alright?”

 

 

“Thor...” Loki's breath hitched. “Do not come home. Please.”

 

 

His brows furrowed. “Why? Loki, I am returning right now.”

 

 

“No!” Loki yelled. “I do not want to hurt you, please, do not come near me. I... don't know if I can control myself.”

 

 

Thor noticed his tone had regained part of that accent that he use to bear, Thor never having realized they possessed accents until Loki's had diminished. But, he still spoke in what he would call a “Midgardian dialect”.

 

 

“Why would you hurt me?” Thor naively questioned.

 

 

“It's telling me to. It wants me to kill you, it wants me to be furious at you. Please, stay away. I...” His voice trailed. “I made mistakes in the past. I don't want to do this all over again.”

 

 

“I am coming home.” Thor replied sternly.

 

 

“Please, don't!” Loki screeched as Thor ended the conversation.

 

 

The worst  _had_ happened. He wanted to smack himself for agreeing to leave, wishing to be there to comfort Loki and guide him through this torment.

 He could handle his threats, his attacks. He was a master at dodging his light punches and sharp jabs, why would this be any different?

 

 

It's not like he had regained all of his strength and powers, right?

 

 

...Right?

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

Thor twisted the bronze handle to no avail, the door seeming to not budge.

Loki had locked it as if that would deter Thor away from entering.

 

 

He searched around his pockets to come to the crippling realization that he had not brought his keys with him, cursing under his breath.

 

 

“Loki, please open the door.” Thor said firmly, pressing his ear against the wood, hearing the muffled, faint sounds of sobbing followed by hurried footsteps.

 

 

“Go away, Thor, I mean it.” He cried out.

 

 

“I am not going anywhere, I made that promise to you ages ago. Loki, I am sorry, what I did today was not in the consideration that this would happen... I subjected you to something you needn't be worried about.”

 

 

Loki leaned his back against the wall adjacent to the door, sighing deeply. “...That's why I need you to leave. I want to be with you, I... You asking that question and me saying yes is like, the best thing that has ever happened to me, okay? I know that's probably hard to believe coming from  _me_ , but, that's the  _truth_." 

He sniffled loudly. 

 

“I've always looked up to you, and yeah, we both have made our mistakes, but my love for you has never been stronger, and that's saying something because I really loved you. I really  _do_ love you. Stay away from me, Thor. I don't want this to end in something I severely regret.”

 

 

“Together, we can conquer this. I will not allow you to act in rage or against your right mind, I promise you.”

 

 

“How do you think you can stop me when I'm a  _Demon_?”

 

 

“You are not a demon, Loki.” Thor still believed this with every fiber in his being.

He knew Loki to not be a monster or this creature everyone made him out to be in their tales.

Yes, technically he was a monster, but that's not what he was referring to.

He knew him. He knew the sincerity he could express, the innocence that still traveled throughout him and showed, his heart corrupted by madness yet still purer than most.

 

 

“Move.”

 

 

“I will not.”

 

 

“Move!” He shouted from the other side.

 

 

“No.” Thor replied firmly.

 

 

A clear huff could be heard. “Fine. But if this ends badly, it's all your fault.”

 

 

The excruciating loud noise of wood splintering was piercing as Loki proceeded to jab the acquired dagger into the door, blade peaking out through the other side, ending just inches before Thor's eyes.

 

 

He jumped back in response but didn't budge much further.

He recognized that dagger, the one Loki had always carried with him, hidden underneath his coat for safekeeping. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

 

 

It was no coincidence that this knife resembled, no, matched entirely, the one from before that he treasured. If he had obtained this, did that mean...

 

 

He couldn't have his sorcery back, could he? If Thor's own powers were stripped, why would Loki's be returning?

 

 

“...I didn't get you, did I?” Loki timidly asked.

 

 

“No.”

 

 

“I just... Thor...” The sound of fabric rustling against the wall was clear as he slid to the floor. “Why did you not come sooner?”

 

 

Thor sucked in his lips. “I would view you daily with Heimdall's support. I had thought you happy, believed you to be better without me.”

 

 

“ _Oh_ , Thor,” he chuckled lightheartedly, “I am nothing without you.”

 

 

Thor's eyelashes batted against his seemingly damp eyes.

“I do understand the feeling of no longer wanting to push through another day. I resented myself for awaking another morning often.”

 

 

“Sucks, huh?”

 

 

“Yes...” Thor took in a deep breath. “Loki, I am sorry I have failed you.”

 

 

Loki scoffed. “ _Please_. I'm the reason we're here on Midgard sitting outside of a now broken door feeling awful. Everything is my fault, okay.”

 

 

“It is equally my fault.”

 

 

“...Not really. Still all me.”

 

 

"Loki, may I come in now?" Thor questioned as he brushed his fingers over the sharp, clean tip of the dagger.

 

 

"...No. You can't be near me.”

 

 

"Loki, please, I beg of you." Thor breathed out a warm puff of air.

 

  

A moment passed with no answer.

 

 

"Would you honestly care? If I was gone?” he spoke quietly.

 

 

Thor's eyebrows lowered. “Why do you doubt my sincerity?”

 

 

“Because honestly, I don't think anyone cares. I mean, I was cast down by the man who claimed to love me, sent to be all on my own, given a shitty place with no source of income and a terrible back story. Are you any different?”

 

 

"Loki, there has not been a day where my feelings have differed, where I have not been there for you." Thor eyed the door, pondering a way of possibly breaking it down, anything he could do to get in there with Loki. 

 

 

"But, were you always there for me?" 

 

 

"No." Thor glanced downwards, speaking truthfully. "Now I have changed." 

 

 

"...You've really changed me, you know. But..." 

 

 

Footsteps tapped against the hardwood flooring, drawing away from the door, Loki's voice becoming distant. "I can't do this anymore." 

 

 

"Do what?" Thor desperately called out. 

 

 

No response. 

 

 

"Loki please, talk to me." 

 

 

The sound of glass being shattered sent ice cold shocks down Thor's spine, breath hitching.

 

 

"Please, Loki, do not do this..." He nearly cried out, tears forming in the corners of his dry eyes. "I need you."

 

 

"I know I have wronged you, we have both done disservice, but together... we..." Thor slid to his knees, helpless. Hopeless. 

"Do not leave me, Loki." 

 

 

The door clicked to unlock with a small green spark, creaking open with limited inches. Thor gazed upwards to peer through the small opening it allowed. 

The window had been harshly shattered, spray of glass shards spread nearly everywhere. 

 

 

"Thor!" The scream was as silent as it was loud. 

 

 

He sprung off the ground, rushing into the apartment, his steps crunching. He immediately made his way over to the window and to his horror, rather everyone's horror, the distressed dark haired man was hanging on for his dear life, one hand grasping strongly against the wooden frame.

 

 

Thor reached out his arm, pawing for Loki, but as soon as he touched him, he let go of his grip. 

In the nick of time, Thor feverishly grabbed his hand with all his might, one hand digging into the wall as support, the other man swaying, dangling by a thread. 

 

 

"Loki, please, do not you let go. I... I can save you." 

 

 

"I don't want to be saved again, Thor. Once is enough." 

 

 

"No, please..." Thor was nearly speechless, words leaving his quivering lips in a shock-induced whisper. 

 

 

"You've shown me what it really is like to love." He said meekly with a timid smile. 

 

 

"Loki..." 

 

 

"I can't live without you, but I can't live with you." 

 

 

"No..." 

 

 

"I love you. Remember that, okay?" 

 

 

He shook and thrashed around until his hold was released, slipping from his touch, falling to his death once more.

Yet, this time there would be no saving. No more hospitals. No happy endings.

 

Or at least, that's what Thor was fed to believe. 

 

 

Thor collapsed as his body went completely numb, legs giving out under his weight, feeling as if he had cement blocks tied to his shoulders. 

He was too distraught to cry. He couldn't mourn. He didn't know how to do anything. 

 

 

He travels back to being a child, seeing Loki as a baby for the first time when his Father brought him into the family.

He teared and made quite a fuss, but once his tiny eyes met Thor's gaze, he calmed and came to a quiet state. 

 

 

"I... I have failed you..." 

 

 

The surrounding blue sky begun to morph into dark grey, heavy clouds littering from all directions, a burst of thunder vaguely booming. 

The wind kicked up, air traveling briskly into the room, his hair blowing fiercely. 

 

 

"You will not be alone..." 

 

His eyes closed, mouth feeling like sandpaper, mind a jumbled mess. 

He was so consumed in sorrow that he did not feel the flicker of magic touch him, everyday clothes changing to mimic the armor he once donned daily; arms enclosed in thick, metal plates, pants a blue leather with red lining, chest silver with circular pieces, long red cape.

 

 

"I will join you, brother." 

 

 

Loki peered from the bedroom as he stood in the door, adorned in his regular fancy dressings as well, chills sent down his spine.

He crossed his arms, biting his lip. The instantaneous change of weather took him aback and brought forward memories of when Thor would express his mood in a similar fashion, tornadoes being cast, lightning strikes. 

 

He noted that Thor still had some sense of control as well.

Odin didn't do a very good job taking away their abilities, now did he?

 

 

 

"...I'm so sorry, I just had to see it for myself... What would happen." 

He uncast the illusion, glass returning back to its previous state. 

 

 

"Loki." Thor's head shot up, eyes bloodshot, face flushed of all its color. "You are..."

 

 

"I'm still here."  He strolled over to sit beside him, arms wrapping around his trembling body. "I'm really an ass, I know, I just..."

 

 

"Yes, you are." Thor rested his head against the other man's chest plate, which was more than uncomfortable, but he didn't care anymore. All he cared about was being with Loki, making sure that he was alive and safe and alright.

 

 

"I love you so much, I have no idea how to express it."

 

 

"You just did." Thor said cockily in a low tone. 

 

 

Loki rolled his eyes. "Shut up..."

 

 

"Do not ever do that again... I swore I lost you this time." His body shook as tears finally begun to release, the man who always acted so tough sobbing. 

 

 

"I promise, I won't." Loki twirled his fingers through Thor's long soft hair, tracing down the back of his cape. 

He wanted to see them as how they were one last time, the odd feeling of no longer dressing in that fashion still lingering. 

 

 

"Do not you ever leave me." 

 

 

"...I won't. _Promise_ me you won't either, okay? I don't want to hear you talk like that." 

 

 

"I promise for as long as you are here, I will be as well." He cried. 

 

 

"Even if I wasn't here, you still need to be." 

 

 

"It would be hard. It is impossible for me to go on without you." he choked on his breath. "I love you, Loki." 

 

 

"I love you too, Thor. Very very much." 

 

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

The sun fell and the two whom were quite exhausted physically but very much so mentally had decided to relax and put the long day to rest.

Thor had still felt the emotional trauma from the earlier events settling in his mind. He knew he wouldn't forget that visual any time soon, if ever. 

 

Thor sprawled out on Loki's bed, which at this point in time, bed ownership no longer mattered. They were always together, crossing each others invisible boundaries, invading each others spaces.

 

 

Loki pulled the cotton t-shirt over his head, tossing it aside without much further thought.

A lamp had been turned on in the far corner, light casting across Loki, his illusion of smooth skin visible.

 

 

Thor glanced over, eyes trailing down his body. “You need not disguise yourself from me.”

 

 

Loki peered back at him as he fingered the waistband of his jeans. “Do you like it better, this look?”

 

 

“I have grown to see you with those marks. They are part of you, telling a battle of hurt and acceptance. However, I prefer what makes you most comfortable.”

 

  

Loki diminished the spell, scars reappearing, skin raising. “You still promise you won't judge me?”

 

 

“There is nothing to judge.”

 

  

"Are you sure...?" 

 

 

"Loki, I am very sure." 

 

 

He slid the tight pants down his legs before crawling under the covers with Thor, resting his head next to his. "Please don't blame yourself for all of this. You never failed me." 

 

 

 "Are _you_ sure?" Thor spoke hushed.

 

 

 "I am  _very_  sure." He said before they shared a gentle kiss. 

 

 

……

 

 

Loki shot awake in a cold sweat, greeted by a deception of visuals. He urged himself to move from Thor's arm which had been wrapped around him, stepping barefooted off the bed.

 

 

They had been warped back in time, room transformed into the long halls of the palace.

Loki stood beside the bed that slowly vanished from his sight, watching as a depiction of himself came in to play.

 

 

He wore a thick muzzle, sharp silver metal digging into his jaw, brown leather accenting. On his hands he wore those same shackles from past visions, guards leading him by chains.

He glanced around, fingers swaying in a failed attempt to somehow escape.

 

 

He relives the moments of being practically dragged to his cell, a man behind with a shield in tow and a sharpened sword, multiple men in front guiding the way.

Loki thrashed, bindings rattling. He screamed until his throat felt as if it were bleeding, yelling whatever angry thoughts came to mind.

He had been enraged at the All-Father for deciding to stow him away to rot in solitaire, he made his wrath visible and wallowed in the powerful emotions.

He cursed, pinpointing this on anyone else except himself for what was happening, Thor taking the majority of the blame.

 

 

He sees how Thor would come to visit him, standing outside of the force field that enclosed him like an animal at the zoo. Loki would shoot him venomous glares as he paced around the white flooring.

 

 

 

“Is this out of pity?” He would sneer.

 

 

“You act as if this is my fault.”

 

 

“Is it not?” Loki paused from his steps, his stare haunting. His personality had been washed away and replaced with vex. “Who put me here?”

 

 

“Loki...” Thor replied sternly.

 

 

“Who put me here!?” He shouted as he moved as close as he possibly could to Thor, the buzz of the magic shield noisy.

 

 

“You know damn well who!”

 

 

Loki bashed his hand into the energy, shocks vibrating through his entire arm, skin nearly burnt.

“I swear,  _Odinson_ , when I am done with you, you will crave for pain, beg for more, plead to be put out of your misery.”

 

 

“You act as if you are evil, Loki.”

 

 

“Am I not?” He spat.

 

 

“Love triumphs hate.” Thor simply replied.

 

 

“Do not you bring that  _petty_ sentiment into this.”

 

 

The present Loki trembled as he listened to himself spew threats of death, his desires to mutilate this man he half-jokingly called his brother until he was no more.

The look in his distant eyes shocked him to his very core.

 

 

In the background he could hear sounds of faint footsteps that did not resonate from the flashback.

Thor stood off in the distance as he watched Loki's wavering posture, the enchantment of the illusion he projected strong and nearly mesmerizing.

 

 

“You should be afraid of me,” he said with faltering breath, “because I am.”

 

 

Thor came behind Loki to wrap his strong arms around slender waist, holding him tight, serving as protection from his own mind, acting as his rock.

 

 

“I am not afraid.” He replied, kissing the crook of his neck.

 

 

“You are moronic.”

 

 

“I may be. Is that bad?”

 

 

The surroundings shifted from white walls and glossy marble to endless open dark skies littered with stars and planets, the floor flooding with colors, replicating a rainbow.

 

 

“I don't know...”

 

 

Thor had thought to never see the Bifrost again despite this being nothing other than a duplicate, but still. Those vibrant radiating colors, the sights of the night, the reflection from the golden city.

 

 

They stood together taking in the sights, reminiscing on the memories they spent together on the bridge.

Growing up, they were both as captivated as they were terrified by the endless abyss. One wrong step and you could be lost forever, sucked into the void.

However, as they grew, this just served as a reminder that life as you knew it could change at the blink of an eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

It had been a month since the day of Loki's revelation towards his truth. Every single day was a struggle, the realization of his history strengthening their bond but he was haunted by his  _old self_  with taunts and threats. He had to fight with the demon that resided inside him with all his might.

 

 

 _Kill him_ , his mind would feed him.

 

 

 _Kill yourself_ , it would go as far to say.

 

 

There had not been a single night of decent rest, Loki abruptly waking to flashing visuals of painful times, hearing things he regretted saying even in that moment, witnessing scenes that he wished to never view again.

 

Thor would wake up at the break of dawn, panting, shaking Loki awake to ensure he was still breathing, panic striking him deeply if he did not respond. 

 

 

Both of them were mentally scarred. 

 

 

A dreary night in particular, Loki rushed from their newly shared bedroom into the vacant room across the way, locking the door behind. He cried in distress as Thor tried to coax him out to which he shushed him away, expressing his wants and temptation of hurting him.

 

 

He wasn't sure why these urges were still so strong, shifting from the desire to injure himself to the want to slash Thor. It scared him.

He didn't want to hurt Thor, not again, not this time. He wanted to change, to be _free._

 

 

Thor reasoned with him, saying he was going to be alright, that if he did attack him in the least probable case, he could defend himself. He still had his strength, he could hold his own.

 

 

They begun to conjure ways of dealing with this, Thor having already accepted that Loki would most likely always be in anguish from his past.

Loki himself however did not want to accept this as reality and tried desperately to act as “normal” as he could muster, always crumbling when it became too much, much like he was use to.

 

 

They figured out ways to calm him down in the moment; Thor would force a positive memory out of him, the scene shifting into something much more pleasant. He would still use his breathing tactic when Loki was petrified in anxiety as well as using his senses; feel something comforting, usually Thor's embrace, taste something sweet, often times Thor's lips, hear Thor speak love-filled nothingness into his ears.

 

 

For Thor's sake, he would always sleep with a firm hard pressed against Loki's chest, his heartbeat felt underneath his fingertips. 

 

 

Eventually Thor had come to the conclusion that they should move once more, leaving this apartment behind in the past, the remembrance of the living space being glum and depressing.

He suggested purchasing a house for them and only them, restarting their lives from scratch.

Of course, Loki had to fix the front door to the best of his abilities first. 

 

 

Loki was reluctant at first but after a week of pondering, he agreed.

The search for a new space to live in was difficult as they would search online for hours, traveling far distances to view houses for sale.

 

 

Eventually, much to their surprise, they stumbled upon something quaint, a place they could truly call  _home_.

They worked with the Realtor, made an agreement with the ex-owners and before they knew it, it was theirs.

This whole process had taken quite some time and Loki's condition worsened, but, in a sense, he felt much better knowing that Thor would always be with him.

 

 

Even if he could never forgive himself for the deeds he had done, the resentment he had once held for that blonde haired man, Thor did.

Thor always accepted his apologies with open arms. 

And that was what truly mattered to him.

 

 

The day had come when the moving trucks arrived, the movers hauling their furniture out and over to where they would restart. Thor grinned as they took only one of the beds, Loki rolling his eyes in response.

 

 

The house itself wasn't the largest but, that didn't matter to them in the end.

 

 

They spent a good few weeks organizing and rearranging furniture, firstly painting the walls vibrant colors that they both enjoyed before adorning them with pictures that reminded them of the good memories from Asgard, paintings of the places they visited together in the heart of New York when Thor first arrived.

 

 

Of course, Loki claimed a room to be painted a dark green as Thor suggested their bedroom be a cherry tint.

 

 

They begun to learn their way around the neighborhood, discovering nearby grocery stores and shopping centers, small family-run coffee shops and, which this was not good for their wallet despite the vacant fear of money, a store that sold used books which Loki fell in love with instantly.

 

 

They had met their neighbors briefly, most of which seemed fairly nice. A family lived next door, their children occasionally running around outside in glee.

 

 

Loki had decided to try his hand at a job again after Thor told him he was not allowed to conjure up any more counterfeit money.

He still wished to buy things for Thor himself, be as independent as he possibly could.

 

 

He decided, of course, that the book store would fit his interests the best. However, when he was left with plenty of down time, he would be found sitting in the corner flipping through pages of novels.

When he did not feel in the mood to organize or open boxes containing pre-owned books, they would sometimes float right onto the shelves, to which Thor caught him in the act and gave him a warning.

When a rude customer would come by or someone he just seemed to dislike, he would play light tricks on them; pages tearing off with one gentle tug, hardcovers jumping from the walls with a mind of their own, wallets suddenly missing.

 

He got a scolding from Thor this time to which he just laughed.

 

 

When Loki is away, Thor as well busies himself, attempting to do things in his spare time.

Loki had bought him his very own smart phone and Thor had discovered the amazing thing called “Social Media”.

He would venture to cafes, snapping photos of his meals, which Loki would always favorite despite saying how dumb he was.

 

 

Sometimes he would try his hand at building things, he was quite familiar with hammers after all.

 

 

After much consideration, they arranged for a private marriage.

They had not really any friends to invite nor did they want anyone else involved.

 

 

Loki requested a day off from work to venture around the area with Thor, fingers laced together, spirits high. They decided to go shopping for their wedding bands with one another, placing an order for the perfect custom made bands.

 

 

The day leading up to the event, Thor was the one consumed with anxiety this time.

 

 

He paced around the bedroom as he rambled to himself mindlessly.

 

 

Loki gazed at him from outside the door, arms crossed, smirk upon his face.

 

 

“Nervous?”

 

 

Thor met his glance with a surprise, not taking notice to him standing there.

 

 

“I feel as if I am not good enough.”

 

 

“Not good enough? For me?”

 

Thor nodded.

 

 

“Thor, you are just  _perfect_.” Loki said, still wearing that smug grin, quoting what Thor had once said, and still continued to tell him to this day.

 

 

“I am not...” He protested.

 

 

“Oh, so if you say it to me, it's true, but if I say it, it's not?”

 

 

“It is because you  _are_ perfect.”

 

 

Loki rolled his eyes.

 

 

 

_The Cherished Day_

 

 

 

It was happening, and neither of them could even begin to comprehend it.

Getting to this point was hard in itself as neither of them possessed birth certificates or, in Thor's case, any identification in that matter, Loki at least having an ID card. 

Thor allowed Loki to work his magic, and just this once he said, whipping up false certificates. 

 

 

That was when their second problem arose; two men getting married. They searched for what had seemed like years until they found someone to hold a private ceremony and wed them.

 

 

But, that was all behind them and now, here they were.

 

 

They stood holding each others hands tightly, bodies trembling but hearts racing with exhilaration. Loki opted to dress more causally with his usual stylish vest and a nice pair of black pants while Thor proclaimed he would be formal.

And formal he was, donning a tailored black suit, collar unbuttoned _just_ the  _right_ amount.

 

 

This moment was something they had always dreamed of, visualizing how it would feel to become even closer, imagining the sights of the location, which in their current case was in a garden in solitude.

 

 

No one in their right mind would have approved of this ceremony for the sake of their treasured heritage not being ridiculed.

Now, they could do whatever the Hell they wanted, and they loved that nearly as much as they loved one another.

 

 

“Loki...” Thor begun, his voice shaking, “Our lives have not been easy, but what does make it less difficult is knowing that I have you by my side. You have been my closest friend since we were but children. I had known since the moment I laid eyes on you that the love I felt for you would be the strongest bond I could feel for another being. I have always admired you, craved nothing more than to spend all of my time with you. Your courage and honesty has created who I am today. I may not be quite as worthy anymore, but I hope to be worthy of your love, worthy of you.”

 

 

Loki met his honest gaze with tear-filled eyes, trying desperately to hold himself back from sobbing.

 

 

He cleared his throat, voice cracking.

“I'm supposed to be silver tongued but, I don't think I can really express how strongly I feel for you. I don't quite understand why you still forgave me after everything I have done, but I am thankful because I have no clue what I would do without you. I always made it seem like I despised you, but I yearned for your affection. And, I just...” he paused, “I love you so much.”

 

 

“You complete me.” Thor said in a mere whisper.

 

 

Loki removed the small velvet box from his vest's side pocket, carefully opening the case to reveal the golden band that rested inside. With vibrating hands, he removed the ring from its protective casing.

The ring itself was quite special. To the naked eye it appeared as just a simple golden band but upon further inspection, the triangular shape of Asgard's symbol had been engraved.

 

 

This was to represent that their past not be forgotten for they will always be part of Asgard, wither being banned or not. This was to represent that they had moved on and forward, creating new adventures, here on Earth.

 

 

He slid the object that signified their commitment through the thick and thin, the best and the worst, their devotion for one another, timidly onto his finger with endearment.

 

 

Thor couldn't contain his grin. It was now his turn to reciprocate the action, to remove his own matching box, but instead he firstly took the engagement ring from Loki's slender finger with cautious ease.

He felt around in the pocket of his suit jacket, a thin golden chain resting in his palm. He unclasped the latch as he slid the ring down the line of metal.

 

 

“Come closer.” He said softly as Loki stepped in, leaving the space between their bodies minimum.

 

 

His breath hitched as Thor secured the latch behind his neck, the ring resting softly against his chest.

 

 

“I...” Loki wanted to speak but was unsure if words could actually come out.

 

 

Thor placed a gentle finger across his lips. “Shhh.”

 

 

He proceeded to take out the wedding ring, mimicking Loki's actions, warmth spreading throughout his entire body. They gazed into each others eyes, shamrock green meeting sky blue.

 

 

Their lips met, locked in a pure blissful kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

Thor ventured around a park solo, the sun shining down bright, an orange leaf falling down from a shedding tree. He peered around the general area, hardly any other bodies occupied the place.

 

 

He gazed up at the sky. He was unsure if Heimdall still overlooked him, if he did ever, uncertain if his Father was aware of all the events that had occurred.

 

 

“I am not sure if you are able to hear this,” he begun to say, “I am grateful of your allowance for me to venture here. Father, your conception of Loki is far from accurate, I do hope you can see this.”

 

 

He begun to take small, steady steps. “I do wish the outcome had not been this, however, it does not matter. As long as I have Loki and he has me...”

 

 

He smiled to himself. “All is well.”

 

 

 

……

 

 

“I'm homeeeee.” Loki announced as he ventured into the living room, Thor proceeding to stand up to greet him.

 

  

“Welcome home,  _honey_.” He said, his now  _husband_  scrunching his nose up in disapproval.

Loki really did not enjoy being called names like that, or any name in general, however he did not detest.

 

 

Loki gently kissed him as he wrapped his arms around his neck. “Did you have a good day?”

 

 

Thor nodded as he reciprocated the kiss once, then twice, traveling down his neck, nibbling lightly on his skin. “Yes. But, I do have an idea of how to make it better.”

 

 

“Yeah?” Loki hummed.

 

 

“Mhm. And I do think you will enjoy it.”

 

 

 “Oh, I am  _certain_  I will.”

 

 

This is what their life was now, living on Midgard, content, savoring each others love and affection.

Of course Thor missed Asgard as he was sure Loki did too in a sense, and he wished they could go back, live as a remotely happy family.

 

 

He would often still ponder about what it would be like to be King with Loki by his side, but the more he thought about it, the happier he was that he didn't have that mound of responsibility on him.

 

  

This journey had not been easy in the slightest.

Heartbreak, hate, overpowering love, consuming depression, intense fear, on both ends.

 

 

 

The night he had rescued Loki from his rash decision, he was struck with the fright that he would never hear his voice again, feel the warmth of his skin, earn more stories to share with him.

 

 

 

The next day, strange men in long white coats threatened to take Loki away from him and when these words fell on his ears, he felt as if he were a helpless child unable to stand up to his dad.

 

 

 

When Loki snapped at him and shouted for him to leave, he doubted that coming there was a good idea. He had thought for a moment that he should just leave him alone and, if he wanted to end his life so badly, why not just let him do it?

 

 

 

That phone call he received in the early night, hearing those words basically saying “Yes, we've taken the love of your life away and you can't rescue him”, that is when the heartbreak sat in.

He knew he needed to stay strong for Loki, but he had not a clue how.

 

 

 

He cherished the moments that Loki could release a heartfelt smile, the moments he would publicly acknowledge their relationship, making it known that he was not ashamed to be seen with him.

 

 

 

He was proud of Loki for pushing through his fears, and he acknowledged them as being very real, allowing Thor to see his body, expressing his innermost emotions.

That moment was heartwarming, instead.

 

 

 

Would he do this all over again? If he had to, yes.

He would do anything for Loki, he made that very clear.

 

  

Loki was everything he needed in life, and vice versa.

 

 

He truly and honestly loved him.

 

 

This was not a perfect story with a fairy tale ending. Their life was far from perfect.

It was broken and messy.

 

 

He knew that they would have many more arguments in the future, Loki snapping and yelling, Thor as well being consumed in rage.

He knew that Loki may have fleeting thoughts of “exiting”, or still inflict further marks to his own flesh.

 

  

But, that did not change a thing. They could handle anything, he knew.

They had been through Hell and back, and now they sat on top.

 

 

 

They could Rewrite their Stories.

 

 

 

 

…♥…

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting on Ao3.
> 
> I had this idea in my mind for awhile, and finally got around to writing it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reads this, and a special huge thank you to my best friend and proof-reader Scoot. 
> 
> Enjoy!


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